Al Qaeda Using The Elderly As Terrorist Tools
Fresno, CA (DE) – Using techniques developed by the Soviet Union during the Cold War, Al Qaeda is slowly causing the destruction of the Western world by using the elderly as their weapons of choice. Instead of another spectacular attack, Al Qaeda has created an army of slow, cranky, and mobile senior citizens to carry out anonymous acts of frustration to undermine western economies.
"The elderly used to be valued for their wisdom, but since the 1950's drugs and subliminal messages have programmed them to wreak havoc in the lives of the younger generations," Kevin Muscar, noted historical researcher, said.
Muscar points to everyday occurrences of the elderly asking useless and obvious questions in retail stores and senior citizens driving slowly and dangerously as proof of his theory.
"The Soviets developed this technology that they found in hidden labs of the Nazis during the end of World War 2. I believe Al Qaeda discovered this during the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan in the 1980's," Muscar said.
Muscar clams that Soviet defectors and prisoners told Al Qaeda leadership of the eventual downfall of America and Europe by the elderly. "I think they were mistaken in their belief that Al Qaeda would join with the Soviets. The Soviets still had not worked out all of the kinks in their time machine yet."
Muscar says that the American government is aware of the plot and suggests that the availability of Viagra as one of the ways George Bush is fighting Al Qaeda.
"The thought of your grandparents being intimate twice a day might be disgusting, especially if one of them is deceased, but anything that keeps grandma and grandpa out of the line at the grocery store is a good thing for America," Muscar stated.
Senior citizen advocacy groups decried Muscar's theories that the elderly are part of a nefarious plot by Al Qaeda and are outraged at the suggestion that elderly sexual intercourse is disgusting. "Wrinkled bodies with sagging skin mashed up against each other is beautiful and any contradictory statement is racist," Barbara Paulson said.
