Cap Male making me soooooooo confused...help
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|I'm jumping out of lurk mode for some advice. I have a situation with a Cappy, I'm hoping you all can just be blunt and clairify what you think is happening here so I can stop pulling my hair out. |
I'll try to make it short.
We work together, and had no initial attraction. (at least no on my part). After going on group lunches for 6 months, we've become friendly. Then most of our coworkers were laid off so now it's just us. Around 4 months ago, the vibe began to change. He started coming to my office every morning to say hello, and asked me to lunch about twice a week. Made me notice him. Started dressing nicer, being a total gentlemen, treating me like a queen. Well, you all know...he turned on the capricorn charm, and suddenly, I fell for him.
shoot. I hate crushes.
The chips are stacked against this too. We are different races, I'm a gemini- he's cap, I'm a single mom, we work together, and I'm older. Alot older. I thought once he found out my age, he'd back off. He did for a week, but that's it.
What I can't figure out is, does he like me or not?
The vibe now is highly charged with attraction, yet he never lets on, and neither do I. We just laugh and joke as usual. I flirt with him, of course cause I'm a gem and we have to flirt. I can tell he loves it, but is very cautious about flirting back. I dont want to look like a fool and throw my cards on the table, so I'm sure my actions may be confusing to him too. I rarely go to his office, I let him come to me.
He has never asked me out outside of work, never asked for my phone number, never commented on my appearance, all though he stares plenty.
I always ask him about girlfriends, tease him about all the girls who like him, but he's a reserved guy. Is very single, but always looking.
Here's the deal. I hate that I'm crushing on him. I want to know how he feels so I can feel better or get over it. What do you think his actions mean?
He listens to everything I say and does little things to please me. He comes to visit me in my office at least twice a day. He comes to see if I want to join him for lunch at least once a week. Each lunch seems like a date- kinda formal, very polite, very gentlemanly, talks about subjects I'm interested in.
This last lunch though, he asked my advice about two girls he's interested in. That's a first! and I was so mad I wanted to throw my plate at him.
(to be continued)
|But I didn't. I was calm and cool and gave him the advice he sought. but I was hurt and thinking, what am I chopped liver? If he doesn't like me like that, WHY does he keep making contact with me?! Is he using me for something? I can't benefit his career in any way. I can't figure this out. Now I want to avoid him like the plague, but that would be obvious, plus I enjoy his company. |
This sounds kinda pitiful I know, but what do you think is going on here?
I have been with 2 cappys in the past and am one myself:p
We usually choose office relationships, well the men caps I know do for sure. I find the idea a little problematic if it doesn't work out, then you are stuck wiht the person their daily. And I don't want my workplace of peace bothered with. But that is just me.
We don't warm up quickly to you and usually we watch you from afar then become friends with you. All the things you say he did are things to get to know you, learn you and get closer to you , trusting you etc. Typical cap stuff. However, I do know too we are very aloof with feelings when we are deeply feeling something too- but also very much in need of reassurance that you like us before we let our emotions be shown or known. WE need security before we make a move.
With that said sometimes if someone likes us you literally have to hit us over the head with a billboard sign to get your point across sometimes unfortunatly..if not we will just pursue the friendship we started, because we love and value are friends so much on any level.
He may have been testing to see your reaction about mentioning the other women. However if one cap likes you, they focus intently on you too. The eye contact is a major one. If they are looking at you like you are the only person in the room-you usually are in our heads then.
So he may just be putting his feelers out there to see how you react to him probing you. Becuase its a "safeway" to test it. (even though its a flawed test I feel, still I know some to pull that) I dunno what to offer as advice though.
I think in any case-if your situation is healthy and he is available, everything else makes sense, and you like who he is then, why not to push the envelope a bit and see where it takes you. Do you want to wonder or possibly be a happy woman with a great cap then? If you want him let him know in a sweet way you can find youself. If its anything, caps hate game playing, they will flirt however no games they are attracted to straight forward assertiveness from someone and honesty. If you are honest with us, its like you just bought us a home really. WE abhor anything fake and superfical. So the fact that you can be blunt and honest may get you exactly that you wish for, if that is what you truly desire and if not, most caps will still respect you and be compassionate about your feelings.
So if you got it and want it, give him a try, but thats just my veiwpoint. I wish you luck!!!
|Gosh it's good to have some opinons on this. |
He is 25, and I'm 10 years older. Very mature which is why this is so upsetting to me. I think my age is what's making me so completely insecure about this. I dont DO this type of thing, mooning over ANY guy for that matter, and especially someone from work. We are exact opposites, hence the no attraction in the beginnig. He's not even my type. But what I can't ignore is simply that it is, that it developed out of nowhere, and how I feel when I'm around him.
I should add that when he asked me about these women, it wasn't in general, he was very forthcoming and detailed. How he met them, time they've spent together(met them both very recently), and which one he should choose. Seems like he was very direct in asking one of them out for coffee, and he's just met her. So I think if he wanted something from me, he would just ask. Like let's go to a movie or whatever. I was so furious that I didnt look directly at him when I was giving him the advice but the one time I did, he was looking deeply in my eyes, like trying to really figure me out.
Capricorn31, loved your post for the cap p.o.v- I guess I would ask you- Do you think cappy males like to mess or play games with women. I mean what if he senses I'm attracted to him, has decided he's too traditional to try a relationship, and is now just messing with me. Using me for companionship, and advice about women.
Things are delicate now. I can't just tell him how I feel, because if he doesnt feel the same, he'll be all embarrassed and avoid me, then I'll feel like an idiot. Yet if I dont say anything, he'll be telling me all about these women and I'll feel disrespected.
Thanks MsPices and Moro192000- I should also add when getting to know each other in the beginning we are both very conservative about sex. We'd probably be friends and date for a long time before I'd have to worry about that.
|"TwinVirgo listen to your heart it never lies...And make him step up to the plate, stand back don't do anything, if he wants you for anything other then friends make him responsible for it and earn it..Start out being straight up then you will see who your dealing with. He will either run or get with the program"|
This is excellent advice. except for the being straight up part, that makes me feel extremely vunerable to even think it.
I think if I did, he'd run. flat out.
So that should tell me something right there.
|thank you AutumnC. Your post is exactly what I wanted to hear of course. but I think it makes me even more confused. Are you a cap?|
|Here's what I see within this situation ....|
This is all your own feelings for him .. let me tell you something, I have many male friends who talk about their girls, sometimes in detail and it doesn't bother me a bit .. because I don't have feelings for the men. When this man talks to you about women, he is doing so openly because he believes you are friends, so why not be open ... it's only because you have feelings for him that is making you read into the situaion completely wrong.
For example ...
"We work together, and had no initial attraction."
"most of our coworkers were laid off so now it's just us."
"Around 4 months ago, the vibe began to change. He started coming to my office every morning to say hello, and asked me to lunch about twice a week."
The above quotes only mean that you are the only person left in the office for him to have a working relationship with. Naturally, he's going to come by and say hello and want to do an occassional lunch. It's either you, or the copy machine and doubt the copy machine or coffee maker would be as good company during friendly conversations.
"Made me notice him. Started dressing nicer, being a total gentlemen, treating me like a queen. Well, you all know...he turned on the capricorn charm, and suddenly, I fell for him."
Alls he did was be friendly to you more because there wasn't anybody else ... you've taken it to mean more than it is, so started dressing nicer. You know .. Cap men are just charming anyway. He's probably talking to you the way he has always been .. the difference now is that you want to believe it's more because now YOU like HIM in a different way and you WANT it to mean more .... but, it doesn't and here's the proof.
"He has never asked me out outside of work, never asked for my phone number, never commented on my appearance"
And yet ... when he tells you about women he is interested in, he's not shy about it. He'll ASK these women out. Why does he ask them out? Because he likes them and wants to check out a relationship. Why doesn't he ask you out? Because he sees you as a friend and co-worker and treats you the way he always has .... a friendly co-worker.
|As for him talking to you about his female friends .... well, I'm afraid you opened that door of giving him the impression that you are just his friend that he could talk to about girls openly. He's not trying to make you feel jealous or hurt .. for he has no clue that everytime he breathes you wet your pants.|
"I always ask him about girlfriends, tease him about all the girls who like him"
This is why he talks to you about girls ... because you ask him.
Men will likely never understand women, just as women will likely never men ... and it's not uncommon for a guy to ask his female friends about women. Men do it all the time. If a female friend opens the doorway to discuss issues with his girlfriends .. then you can't turn around and foolishly think he's only talking to you about it because he has some hidden agenda.
You friggin ASK him about it ... he answers ... hello ...
The reason why he treats you like the only co-worker in the office by stopping by your office to chat for a second and doing weekly lunches with you is because you are his ONLY co-worker. The reason why he is talking to you about his girlfriends is because you ask him about them. The reason why he isn't asking you out anywhere is because he thinks you are his friend.
This is all in your head ..... you want it to mean more, but, it doesn't and that's why you are confused.
In fact ... women reading more into situations because of their own unchecked feelings is why 99% of the female population is confused.
|I think you need to get him outside the work environment. See how you guys vibe together without the safety net of your familiar environment. I would plan a small get together at your house some weekend. A card party or something? Maybe a Super Bowl party if you live here in the States? Most Cap men I know are into sports, so he would most likely show up. If you don't have any other work mates you want to invite, invite some of your family/friends. A group atmosphere would be more comfortable for both of you right now, but it may open the door to more "outside of work" hanging out. Good luck!|
What I do know from knowing them is they can have more female friends and not have a clue that the females are into them. They are friendly, after they warm up and trust you. Usually after a long knowing someone they pursue farther then there are some that just dive right in. I find the ones that are most direct and assertive are born before January. The latter, seem to take their time more in friendship and trusting you first.
I meant by the gazing moreso if you were in a different setting, like at your place or out somewhere. When they are into you they watch you when you don't think they are, observing you. Mine used to watch me as I cooked dinner for him when we were friends, he'd just show up in the corner or if we were out soemwhere and he'd just watch me then walk away and return. You could always feel his gaze set on you and when he looked in your eyes he was just focused on you intently in a room full of people.
I think SeaSiren has an excellent idea about just asking him to hang out, thats the best thing for your mind in question then. The rest of that experiment can lead you elsewhere to knowing I suppose. Everyone has great pov on the situation.
There is no set way. One I met, we liked eachother but were late bloomers and shy, wasn't until 3 years later he asked me out and confessed he liked me when he first met me but didn't know what to do. The latter one I dated, I worked with for 3 years and he started asking around about me, then one day he just approached me seriously and asked me out for coffee. Then confessed everything to me how he felt over time. So, that is the only way I know from my end here with them.
Im more used to knowing someone for a while as friends then diving into anything and straight out flirting. In fact if someone comes on too strong flirtng I kinda step back to check them out to not be tricked that they just want some fun and tats all outta me. But still, as a cap I will be assertive with forming something of a frienship and focus with someone im interested (like making plans to do something fun) in even though I may not be planning to "make a move" with them romantically till I learn more about them first. Still, its showing interest. And so then yes, caps do make plans with people they are interested in seeing a future with may be then.
Hope that helps any If you have any questions just send me a message, good luck!
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