Capricorn Men and breakups?
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|I'm a Cancer woman and my Cap and I recently broke up. For almost a year we had a great relationship, were best friends, and were very happy together. But I tend to be very guarded, and we began to fight about it. He felt that he was making all of the effort in our relationship, and that I was very distant and not reciprocating love. I insisted that we keep working through it and he explained that he just wasn't in it anymore, was burnt out, and couldn't keep trying to make it better when he felt it would only get worse. I now agree that we need to be apart for a while, but he doesn't want us to stop talking or seeing each other. He was extremely upset by that idea and said that he still needs me and wants me in his life--and that we'll try be friends after taking some needed space and see where that leads.|
I'm very skeptical about this and am not sure if it's something I should let go of entirely or remain hopeful. I love this man, but I'm not sure what to expect of him now that we're no longer together. He's a typical Cap, and can be very stubborn.
|"I have about 4 exes as close friends, that I talk to on a regular basis, out of dozens of people I have dated."|
Me too! Exes make the BEST male friends - there is no sexual tension whatsoever! Plus, you already know the best and worst about each other, so its easy to relax; as long as there are no hard feelings.
|For a cancer, it may be more difficult to transition to the "friends" relationship. We tend to live in the past. You will probably end up hurt.|
|Why in the hell are you trying to form a relationship with an marker?|
Get rid of him, since he obviously makes you "work" on the relationship.
Here's a hint:
If you have to "work" on a relationship, you need to get the hell out of it.
Companionship comes from real relationships, and companions don't have to "work" to stay together.
|@Scorpiofish it wasn't a matter of me working to keep him happy. It was a matter of me opening up and reciprocating the effort and affection he gave to me. |
That all makes sense about friends, we still care a lot about each other but need that space. Since we did have a good relationship I was hoping that this would be a good way to start over again and hopefully end up back together. He mentioned it as a possible outcome of being friends, but I'm still skeptical if that's something I should hope for.
|@Capgirl yeah he always talks about how he let me see the real him and that he still needs me. But I don't know if I'm willing to be friends so quickly when I'm still hoping it will work out, unless it's a possibility. I've heard once they wipe their hands clean of you, the decision is final.|
|From a Cap male who knows several other Cap males quite well, I have never known one to try to maintain a friendship with a former significant other. For me, you can be a friend, or a significant other, and you can be promoted to significant other, but amiable demotions are not allowed. If the romantic relationship doesn't work - for whatever reason - friendship is not an option.|
|@stoicgoat Hmmm that's interesting; that's what I was expecting originally. Our relationship never started as just friends and right now, that's what he says he wants to try and see what happens. When I mentioned complete separation he was strongly against it.|
|This is intriguing, because it's actually the exact opposite of the situation we normally see on these boards with a Cap breakup. |
Please let me summarize to keep it all straight:
Good relationship for about a year, were best friends, very happy together.
You were more guarded than he (No small feat in a relationship with most Capricorn guys).
You wanted to keep working on it, but he wasn't in it any more, was burnt out, and did not want to keep trying.
He was the one who wanted to be apart, now you agree, and HE doesn't want to stop talking and seeing one another since you agreed to that, which he wanted in the first place. He became extremely upset when you agreed to that.
Have I got all of those points above right, or did I misinterpret some of your original post? The reason I ask is, if all that is correct, it sounds to me like the guy is jerking you around, and was trying the "I don't want to work on it anymore" as an ultimatum to shock you into seeing things his way. Now that you have agreed to the separation that he only put forth as a tool to push you into seeing things his way.. it's time for him to go into panic mode and backpeddle any way he can manage to do it. That's what I'm seeing there.
It could also be that he wants to keep you around because he has a hard time letting go, sometimes we do. Or, it could be because he still wants some occasional company when he's lonely, or a booty call. Without knowing more about the situation and the guy, I couldn't tell you for sure, but those are some possibilities.
I have managed to be friends with a few ex's, but not many. I also had one resurface 4 years after we split, and we thought we would be friends, started fooling around again, did Relationship round #2, and it was a HUGE mistake. That's the only gf who ever got a second chance. I think most Capricorn men would not take back an ex... I only did it once and probably never will again.
Whatever you decide, good luck. No matter what you do, make sure you are getting what you need. I strongly suspect I'm right that the guy is jerking you around, and the whole breakup/separation is a manipulative ultimatum that backfired when you agreed to it, rather than caving in and giving him his way. If you can't open up to the guy fast enough to suit him, you just can't. He can either be patient, or you can move on and find somebody willing to go at the speed you are comfortable with next time.
Posted by CanceritaBonita
It's easy for me. Once I'm done, there are no more romantic feelings. (Cap moon). But I'll admit its hard to get a Cancer to let go. I've had to be mean to one and I don't like being mean.
|@metoo I did express how I wanted to let my guard down, actually did it, and he was responsive but he held back at that point. I fought for him during the breakup; we had a two and a half hour conversation about what we were going to do. I wanted to keep working through my issues but he felt that we were making it worse because of all of the fighting that was transpiring so he wanted to take steps back and try out being friends and see what happens. I agreed that we needed a change, however at the time I was fighting for our relationship. Trust me, I don't want to let this guy go. |
@cowpuncher He wanted to try being friends to see what happens, whereas I like a clean break and complete separation when I'm officially done and over someone. This guy has treated me better than anyone I have ever known, and even now that we are broken up still goes out of his way to help me/be there for me. So I'm not sure if he's the marker-drag-you-around type. I'm not sure what you mean about his plan backfiring with the breakup though. I really fought to keep him and figured that if it was what he wanted he would work it out. But he didn't, he stood firm and so I agreed. He really seemed to be exasperated from the whole situation in our relationship but couldn't let go of me necessarily yet.
In any relationship, the partner in control is the one who is most willing to end it. That's not a nice observation, but it is a true one. What sometimes happens is.. in an otherwise decent relationship, one partner really wants their way about something. Eventually, if that partner doesn't get his or her way, they come up with the big, bright idea: "Hey! I'll just throw out an ultimatum... do it my way or else we are over!" even if that partner absolutely does NOT want to split up. It's a butterty tactic, sort of a nuclear bomb for getting your way. Unfortunately, sometimes it works.
But sometimes, it backfires on them and blows up in their face, when they miscalculate... and the other partner agrees "Yes, fine, you're not getting what you want and I can't give that to you. Okay, we're over, better luck next time "friend!"
THEN, the partner who dropped the nuclear bomb to get their way is in a real fix - They didn't really want to split up, they just wanted to get their way. So, they try to hold on any way they can. "Let's be friends! Maybe we can even get back together! I want to break up, but I really don't want to break up!" blah blah blah.
imho, your guy sounds like he's either hit a point where he's really confused... or else he did what I just outlined above: Dropped a nuclear bomb on the relationship in a conniving attempt to make you see things his way, and now he's doing a big "OH butter! Backpeddle!" after having that nuclear bomb blow up right in his face.
Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm not. I don't know you guys *shrug*
|@cowpunch I definitely understand what you're saying now, you explained it quite well. I think confused is probably the best label to place on him. It could be possible that this was an ultimatum, but he seemed very adamant about it which is why I finally agreed to it. Out of the situations he presented, he said that we could stay together and our fighting/relationship would get worse, be friends and restart, and not talk (which is fought strongly against). Either way it pointed to us being apart so I agreed to the second option. |
The only real sign I think I've had of him backpeddling is him insisting on being in my life still. It's like he wants to let go of the problems of our relationship, but not me.
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