Libra guy and lying...
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|But if the lying complicates the relationship, shouldn't we be honest enough and tell our SO the truth, no matter how it hurts?|
Absolutely.. and I feel this is one of a Libra's "challenges" as a Libra... to learn that even "hurtful" honesty is better than the smallest "white lie"... especially if with someone who values honesty over being "protected" from harsh truths. My Libra and I have finally reached the point where I feel he's finally learned this.. but there have been a few bumps along the road... little white lies and unmentionables along the way. Sometimes I felt like I was talking to a wall, over and over telling him that i want FULL disclosure... but he finally got it through his head.. I MEANT that I'd rather hear the TRUTH, always. I wasn't just saying I wanted the truth, but then reacting like a cookiemonster or a drama queen over it. Yes, if the truth hurt me (like mentioning the 10 lbs I've gained.. jerk! Who wants to hear their ass is getting fat?! lol) I SAY that I'm feeling a bit hurt, weird, uncomfortable, disappointed, whatever about the information.. but I never make him regret telling me by going Defcon One on his ass.
Keep telling him (calmly) that you want the TRUTH always.. that even the white lies hurt more than the painful truth, and damage trust. It WILL sink in eventually.. it's not that he's stupid.. it's that he has to relearn or change behaviors he's always had.. he has a natural tendency to gloss things over, to soften the blow, to "protect" peoples' feelings - and avoid confrontation with his lover. Give him some time to learn to adjust and to believe that you REALLY want the truth AND that you won't make him sorry he told you the truth.
|Mmmmm.. well, *I* don't lie. But mine's probably pathological, so I could be the exception. But I really, really hate liars. being lied to or kept in the dark makes me angrier than any truth ever did! Even little lies drive me bonkers. While I agree that most people do at least occasionally fib, I've found that Libras tend to lie about stupid butter, stuff they really didn't NEED to lie about. Like what's mentioned in this thread by other Libras, what time they went to bed, what they had for lunch - a Libra I once knew lied about how many kids he had, saying one instead of two. (Like that was such a huge difference??) They also don't mention things they feel are potentially hurtful OR could potentially get them into trouble or cause a scene. Until a Libra knows how you will react, he won't mention butter -- it'll be all sweetness and light, talking about the good and refraining from mentioning the bad. And if he thinks he'll hurt your feelings or piss you off... he'll speak carefully... and probably lie. They're peace keepers and people pleasers, and HATE confrontation, drama, strife, fighting.|
And I've also found that they don't usually "come clean" unless and until confronted with irrefutable proof that they can't talk their way out of again, with their head-spinning Libra way. MOST of these things are "little white lies" or fibs... small ones, totally justified in the Libra's mind.. it was for a good reason. But with SOME people (maybe most people!) even the little lies break down trust.. For example, if they lied about being home in bed with the 'flu Friday, but hung out with their buddies that night instead.. or that they hate your meatloaf... or don't mention that their ex called to try hooking up... or that they actually really hate your new haircut... or that they don't like those comfy baggy sweats you wear around the house, etc... you might start wondering what ELSE they lied about. Lies still hurt, even small ones. Lies breed distrust. Trust is SO important in relationships. But Libra's natural tendency is to ignore these things, refrain from mentioning, leave parts out, or outright lie... to keep the peace, to avoid hurting you, to not piss you off, to not fight. Honesty is a learned behavior, esp with a lot of Libras.
Posted by Nefer
I guess I have to work on "Keep telling him (calmly) that you want the TRUTH always.." thing. On my part I easily get frustrated when he doesn't want to open up. Being in a LDR adds up to our miscommunication. And lately each time we talk on-line he just wants us to discuss only fun topics which add up to my frustration. When we're together, we can easily discuss and settle whatever issues/problems we have. But doing it on-line is hard cause he always evades the topic, and being a libra that he is he always says that he doesn't want arguments.
About the white lies, I would prefer too that my guy would tell me the truth about anything, the way I dress or how I fair with my cooking. If my guy would tell me that, my lasagna doesn't taste good and that I can do better next time just do this and that...it may hurt me a bit by telling me the truth that I'm not a good cook but at least I know and I was told so I could improve on it next time. In a relationship if you keep on saying positive things about your partner and leaving the negatives just to avoid confrontation it will be detrimental to your partner and to yourself as well in the long run, cause your partner would think that everything he/she does is fine by your standards so he/she will not improve himself/herself and continue to be like that. If you leave the negative behind there would be no dynamic in the relationship.
Posted by QLIbraMale
It's still better to say that your ex did call you and tell your girl exactly what you just said that you have no feelings with ex anymore. I'm sure your girl would understand that as long as you'd assure her that you love her. If she does end up being a drama queen in spite of the reassurance it's either she is insecure or doesn't trust you.
When my guy mentioned to me that he met his ex for dinner several days after it happened, he was apologetic about it that he didn't mention it before they had dinner and told me that he taught that I need to know. I said it's ok and I was even thankful that he brought it up. Even if he mentioned it late at least I knew about it and that he had told me. But when he lied that he visited his old friends and to this day he is still hiding the details from me, I was really pissed off with it. When it comes to his friends he is too gullible, one of his female friends tricked him into sending her some money for some medical expenses, it turned out that she lied to him just to get some money. And there are other friends who just used him and was taken advantage of in the past, so this is why I needed to know the details.
|I've lied, many times...in order to avoid being the bearer of bad news. Don't get me wrong; when I screw up I will own up to my mistake and explain the incident although it's always rough. |
But if I'm in on an unfortunate truth which would devastate a friend upon revelation I choke up and hope they figure out through another source than myself.
For instance, a close friend's former boyfriend had an inappropriate habit of hitting on me whenever she would leave the room. To make matters worse he obtained my number from HER contact list without her or my knowledge and called me.
So all I did in response was ignore him, not acknowledging his creepy gestures. At times I wanted to tell her, however I knew it would be destructive if I did. He never ended up cheating although his behavior made me feel pretty uneasy.
Soon after, they broke up over unrelated reasons. I never told her about any of this--which I justify with the fact I made the right move by not making a big issue of it, simply ignoring him.
|Then there is the stubborn side of us...|
I know with me personally there is this one question that I get asked all the time when my mother, children call me and it's simply "Where are you?" Grrrrrrr it gets my back up all the time!!! If I want you to know, I will tell you, I feel like I'm being interrogated and have to have permission to be wherever I may be! Majority of the time I am sacastic with the answer or I just say "Why?"
I know it's just to them like a form of greeting because they want to ask me something but Hi, where are you??? Yep still raises my blood everytime!!! Oh and by the way...I will hardly ever tell you where I am if I'm asked like that!
Then again, "what you doing" doesn't have the same impact.... go figure!
|A question popped into my mind, have you ever nagged about his friends? Have you ever complained on why he spends time with them and not you .. etc? Is there certain people that you want him to cut relationships with? There has to be a reason!|
Manipulation: I noticed Libras not being direct in some topics and while answering questions because I think that's a part of them not wanting to hurt anyone. They like to please others and keep the harmony and balance.
Interegation: They hate that it's like your questioning their honesty and your trust in them. It puts them under pressure and I noticed the best way to get information from a Libra is to be calm, understanding, and ask questions softly in between the lines lol.
Nagging/complaining: They would lie to you if they thought that telling the truth would make you complain or nag or if it was a topic you've been complaining about to make him stop it. Say for example you hate the fact that he smokes and you keep on and on bringing that subject up or complaining and nagging about it whenever it comes up. Result: He won't stop he would lie to avoid that complaining/nagging/confrontation.
Lie in general: They're more of honest people, but they might lie for different reasons from making you jealous, joking, testing the waters ... etc.
Finally, be direct with your Libra and let him know in a very understanding calm way. Smart, between the lines, calm, soft, understanding interagation works too lol.
|Thanks GS, I do understand what everyone is trying to say on how a woman should treat her libra guy. |
Actually I used to be the loving, sweet and understanding Sag to my Libra, and we were the best of friends back then. He did tell me everything, but eventually I found out that there are still bits and pieces that he wasn't telling me. Like there is one friend of his that he used to pursue that he hadn't mentioned to me, and that he stays in contact with up to this day. And when I did voice out my annoyance to some of his friends he started to hide that he was chatting with them. Of course when I found out all of this I reacted in a way that I was hurt and kinda betrayed, cause I thought our line of communication was open. In my mind it's like, why is he being unfair when I do tell him when my exes are contacting me. As Nefer had said the lies were not malicious but it hurts, if Scorpios are hurt by those little lies and some left-out details what more to a SAG? If one of the tag-lines of libras is "WE LIE TO KEEP THE PEACE" to sagittarians it's like "DARE TO LIE AND ALL HELL BREAK LOSE". And I did turn to be the ugly Sag, all naggy and preachy to my libra guy cause I was hurt, even more hurt when he lied big time on his whereabouts, to the point that even his sister couldn't contact him cause he turned off his phone for a week. Although he was sending IMs it was just brief and short, and was really avoiding on being asked.
But I had to realize the hard way that the more you become a lioness or a horsey to a libra guy the more he will run away from you. And the moment you become sweet and understanding again to your guy, that's the time when you can have him back. I had to be sweet again to him yesterday, so he would speak to me (plus it's his bday today, so I really have to be kind to him...lol!), if I ended up annoyed and irritated again I would have to really stop and shut my mouth off or should I say stop typing lengthy and preachy novels that could annoy him. lol! But that's how we are Sags so you should understand too that we have our quirks.
All I have to do now is practice what Nefer said and that I should try and learn THE ART OF QUESTIONING A LIBRA. So, sweethearts, can you suggest me how I should rephrase "WHERE ARE YOU?".
|As I said "What you doing?" doesn't have the same impact...or say what is on your mind and what you are wanting before finding out what he's doing....like Hi hun, I'm thinking we should go out to dinner tonight, have you any other plans?|
Reading peoples thoughts are not a strong point as with making decisions and when you dont even present a decision to make in the first place...then of course we arent even going to go there!
|^^ "Where you at?" gets an irritated response from my Libra. "What you up to?" works great. Sweet is right on track, esp with the direct, non-demanding statements like, "Hi hun, I'm thinking we should go out to dinner tonight, have you any other plans?" That tells him what YOU would like to do, but without pressure or demand, because you leave it open-ended by asking if he has other plans.|
|Thanks Nefer, sweethearts, GeminiSoul and to the rest who have responded. Sometimes, even if I know before that I have to back down and try not to push the issue, I even aggravated it when I showed signs of mistrust and jealousy when I spoke to my guy. It takes several heads to tell me and my guy to ignore and give me cold treatment before I could truly understand that doing it MY WAY will only push my man away.|
I started to communicate with my guy in a sweet and loving way again, and really trying hard to delete in my brain that my guy lied to me, so it will not affect how I communicate with him. Today he did respond with sweet endearment and shared cute and mushy videos on-line. I would try to ask him again about the incident but only when we get the chance to see each other again in person in a couple of months time. Till then I'll just have to be the kind and sweet girl to him on-line, so I could maintain the daily communication that we had before the "lying" incident happened.
Posted by QLIbraMale
Yup, thanks for reminding me QLM.
I need to erase that word in my head and replace it with misterpretation so my Sag-brain will not think of it as lying otherwise I'll continue to be the ugly Sag.
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