| lol... on the phone with him now. |
letting go
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| He just got off work at 11:30 and I know he'll be calling any minute. I'll just do what you said and act aloof, laid back. That's actually how I really feel, after talking to you and seeing things from a new perspective. I didn't technically break it off since there is no title to take back.. but I did tell him I didn't think we should talk anymore but he completely ignored that anyway because he text me today while I was at work. But I am definitely sticking to the no-intimacy part, and I am going to allow myself to enjoy the company of other men without worrying about what he might think or might do. I'll still be his friend but I'll stop playing the girlfriend part. You were right, I gave that up too freely & didn't make him work for it. |
| Oh and about the hero thing, you broke it off but it's not over, my suggestion is to LET HIM DO SOMETHING TO FIX IT that is how you know he wants you in his future even when he says he doesn't, it's not always his words, it's his actions, he will make it right if you sit back and allow him to do it on his own.... |
| your welcome and good luck!! |
| If you can accept his stance and agree with him then you open up a space for him to feel safe, to feel like your not trying to TAKE away from him and if you give him a dose of apathy and aloofness he will be back into pursuit mode and giving you a relationship and a bond and inevitably as time goes on he will not want to lose his INVESTMENT and he will move forward but it takes patience and I guess you have to ask yourself do you have that kind of patience, they are worth the wait especially a cap that wants to make you happy. |
| gotcha!!!!!!!!! sounds good to me. I can do that.. I understand exactly what you're saying. Thanks again girl |
Posted by scorpio_chic What do hero's do? They save, they DO things to help others, they support, they give, they fix things so let him, you lean back as you have been doing, you stop setting him up to fail by putting him on a pedestal and you ACCEPT his decision not to move forwaard right now, it's not written in stone SC, you accept what he has to give you and when he's taking you for granted you remove yourself as you once did to inspire him to give more of himself to you and to the relationship. You are doing it all right but stop letting him BAIT you into a corner with these relationship talks, that is him looking for a way out due to his own fears, instead listen to what he has to say and let it go becasue the minute you begin to talk and he senses you really are anxious to move forward he puts his heels into the ground and wants out due to his commitment phobic fears, my point is don't ENABLE him to be afraid, relationships move forward through him and if he's trying to talk about it then he's stalling, if you recognize that is what he's doing then you will not enable him to stall, you will end the conversation by validating his words and moving on to a new issue one that is not so heavy. He will move it forward on his own if you let him and if he's not then you can create distance to help him figure it out for himself. You will fall right back into sync with one another so give it some time and while he's figuring it out be a bit aloof and unavailable, don't enable his commitment issues by discussing and talking it to death, your attitude should be a bit aloof with a twist of so what get over it already. |
| You are also right about me putting him on a pedestal maybe to avoid men. After reading up on caps, my understanding was they had trust issues, etc.. I didn't want to do anything that would make him think I wouldn't be the kind of woman who could be faithful. His ex cheated on him, so he already had trust issues. I was trying to prove myself... I see now that I went wrong with that. You know it's crazy cuz when we first met, I was fresh out of a relationship. Honestly he was only supposed to be a rebound. I never thought it would get this serious. Back then, he probably felt like he was the knight in shining armor, cuz he was the one who was there for me. And now I see very clearly what I did wrong & how I took that away from him. By the way, thank you for taking the time to talk back n forth with me. It's starting to make a little more sense. |
| so now I'm confused LOL I understand completely about what you're saying though, the whole heroic thing. You are right about that, the man even collects comics. LOL Once he even had a dream he was a super hero.. i was like wow. So yeah, I can definitely see that and I see where you are coming from you are right.. I took that away from him by jumping the gun. I do see that. The part I'm confused about though, is if I've already failed by doing all that, why would I go back? That's the only part I don't understand. If he's not idealizing me as the one, how would I fix that? It doesn't sound like it can be fixed.. it sounds like a dead end road to me. So why go back?? |
| From what I know a cap man loves to be heroic, the knight and shining armor but if the pressure to maintain that gets too strong he will back out, give him some time SC, he took a year for you to hear I love you, it will most likely take another year or longer to move forward, I think you jumped the gun by letting him go....stop being so emotional, go back to your man, you know you want to and for gawd's sake be patient. |
| Well I believe you have put cap on a pedestal to AVOID other men forgive me if I'm wrong but that is what I see, you also compare other men to this IDEA of what you believe is perfect, I'm starting to feel it's not your caps fault nor is he the problem, you have created a problem by accepting a relationship on his terms in hopes that he will give more and you have boxed yourself in by putting him on a pedestal and pushing other men out. Your stuck LOL Wow what pressure you cap must feel to maintain this idea of perfection, he's being pedestaled and he's feeling the heat, he's being made out to be this perfect man in your eyes, I would not go forward with you either not because your not a great woman to have but because if I were a man I would be too afraid to disappoint you and I would be too afraid to fail to be that IDEAL man you have created me out to be which is the man of your dreams, I can see why he's backing out thus the whole conversation he brought up, he felt pressured to man up and again I'm not saying you pressured him intentionally but he felt it. I honestly can say he's probably not idealizing you in this way, he most likely isn't even close to feeling your his dream girl because you took that position from him when you decided he was the one for you, you beat him to it which means you were probably giving this man way more than he actually deserves. you sort of set yourself up to fail with this man |
Posted by tiki33 I've dated other caps in the past but none has ever had this impact on me. So over the past year I have done some research too, and I've grown an appreciation for caps. I can relate with them in a lot of ways, in the beginning I actually LIKED that he moves so slow because I see relationships around me that moved fast only to crash & burn just as quickly. It took him a whole year to tell me he loved me, and that only came after a week of me not talking to him cuz I was mad at him & distancing myself. When he finally said it, I knew he meant it because he's clearly not the type to throw those words around. So although he frustrates me, I adore him & appreciate him, even for his slow pace & for the way he handles me. He knows I'm emotional & sensitive.. he has never provoked me or set out to hurt my feelings like other men have in my past. He's the most gentle, yet strong & masculine men I have met in my life. Awwww damn, here I go again. LOL :/ |
Posted by tiki33 Throughout this year and a half there have been a number of men who have pursued me.. I'm just not good at the circle dating. I wish it were easier for me.. I really do. It's just that none of the men appeal to me like he does because there's that thing about love. But I guess you were right when you said I don't even have to be attracted to them.. just hang out. But anytime I've done this I end up feeling guilty. LOL that's another thing that makes no sense to me because I technically shouldn't feel any obligation to be loyal to him as a girlfriend would, since I am NOT his girl. OR, the guy just annoys me. Like I remember one guy told me to go to the store for him. he didn't ASK me, he told me. Then automatically I compared him to my cap in my mind & thought to myself, B would have asked me, not told me. And today, there is this guy from high school trying to pursue me... and we have good conversation, but it annoys me because a lot of times he makes it obvious that he wasn't really listening. Cuz he'll ask me a question that I already answered and it annoys the hell out of me. then I just want to get off the phone with him. So my only problem with that has been that the guys don't really measure up to him. Even if they're relationship focused, there is something else that's just OFF about them. I dunno.. I'll still remain friends with him though. You were right.. he is a good source of happiness. I'm just afraid of slippin backward again. But if I avoid seeing him then I won't have to worry about us being intimate, and eventually over time, my feelings will fade to black. That's how it usually works 4 me. |
Posted by scorpio_chicPosted by tiki33 Yes I have dated a capricorn, my venus is capricorn and I'm on the cusp of Aquarius and Capricorn Jan 20th, I know because I made it my mission to know...I'm more Aquarius than Capricorn but I can relate to capricorn equally as well. |
Posted by scorpio_chicPosted by tiki33 If it were me and I'm not saying this to influence you but to give you an OPTION, a choice I wouldn't let him go, he's a source of happiness, I would continue but I would definitely date other people to ensure I'm not waiting for him to change his mind, dating and flirting is letting men know your available and inevitably you will meet another man and cap will most likely bore you to death once you get a good dose of a man that is ready to be your Mr.Right and you will move on anyway but until then why walk away from a guy that makes you feel happy, it's really your call, you know were he stands, you can accept it or let it go but whatever you choose you will be fine I'm sure. |
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