playing mind games

As for giving him your body, YOU DON'T HAVE TO, you don't have to give him anything and that may just be the catalyst to move it forward but try not giving him anything with less attitude which creates guilt and more issues...just go, go do what is best for you, you don't need permission to do that SC.

With his in and out behavior as great as he is you can't trust him, you can't trust that he's going to be YOURs and so your feelings of anxiety, impatience are very vaild feelings because in and out creates those kind of feelings in a woman and with mistrust comes anger, resentment EVEN IF HE'S A GOOD MAN you still feel this things but you can still CHOOSE to be happy irregardless of what he chooses to do or not do, you have wrapped your life, your world, you reason to breathe around him and to a man that makes him feel engulfed and suffocated and as much as a man may love you, want you he will still run away because no man wants a woman that NEEDS him....you have to stop making him so important, making him your reason for being, let him go, accept his love if he wants to give it ON YOUR TERMS but at the same time your not going to shut down your options and opportunities to date men that are willing to give you more and as long as you feel you have options you will begin to SEE and FEEL and REGAIN your power back.

scorpio_chic

11/7/2009 2:50:28 AM | IP

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lol okay yeah I need to go to bed anyway. Well I hope other people, especially male caps, might come in & share their opinions about the situation. Thanks again girl, you're a lifesaver. :]

tiki33

11/7/2009 2:43:29 AM | IP

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See you are thinking OBJECTIVELY and you are in control, you will be fine, I have to let other people help you LOL, stop hogging your thread but I do hope you pull it together and gain some inner strength because it doesn't have to be doom and gloom, it's normal for us to feel down when something doesn't work out and it feels awful when we can't influence our men to move forward but the best thing you can do is lean back, let him do the work of sending you his love and go on with your busy life and include some extra curricular activities that don't include him and let him find a way to get to you, find you, love you, need you, be with you and he WILL if you let him and inevitably he will move it forward on it's own without your help but if you start to pile on more drama and more negativity because you can't get your way then it's just will keep you both at a stall and I know that isn't what you want...

scorpio_chic

11/7/2009 2:40:26 AM | IP

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I think my defenses are just up because like I said, we've been through this before. And it's not that I can't accept that we should just be friends, but he is always the one to push me away & then pull me close. I feel like I'm in a damn game of tug-o-war. So my defenses are up because after his "I miss you" comment, now I feel like next he will be asking to see me. And then next he'll be asking me to spend the night. (I'm starting to see a pattern) I've folded in the past, and it got me nowhere. Obviously. I mean overtime our feelings have grown stronger, but he's still not any closer to committing. So I CANNOT FOLD this time. I guess that's why my defenses are up, and I'm so damn tense & rigid. I can just feel the 'test' coming & I'm trying to prepare.

I understand that I am flipping the relationship & that might disrupt things. But can you blame me for not wanting to sleep with him anymore? It's not so much a power struggle, or maybe it is. I don't know. I just feel like I have been settling, and I need to raise my standards. I'm not saying I'm settling by dealing with HIM, he is a wonderful man. But settling in this situation. In all honesty, he is right. I do want a relationship, I do want commitment. So can anyone blame me for not wanting to keep giving my body over to him if he's not capable of giving me what I want???

scorpio_chic

11/7/2009 2:33:27 AM | IP

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yeah I'm gonna work on my control issues, trying to control the situation etc. Women do that sometimes, we do give all of ourselves thinking that eventually a man will learn to appreciate us & lock it down with us (like they do in the love songs LOL) but men definitely don't think like women do. That is becoming obvious to me. I'm usually not a negative person I'm usually really posiitive but I think you're right.. I think that my little hurt feelings are projecting some negativity and it might show to him as much as I don't want it to. I will just continue to be me i guess, in small doses. I do believe him when he says he loves me, so there must be SOMETHING about me that he loves. But maybe I just do too much, and it's like an overdose or overwhelming for him. I'll be more careful...

tiki33

11/7/2009 2:23:14 AM | IP

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Well don't play the tit for tat game, just be how you always have been but LESS OF IT and at the same time give yourself permission to take care of yourself, stop the negativity it just makes matters WORSE, see it as an opportunity to build with him, so he doesn't want to be what you want him to be and with that there has to come a level of acceptance that has to happen before you can be NATURAL with him and before things can change, accepting his decision tells him you are not trying to CONTROL him and the quickest way to get a man on your side is to agree with him, yep your right school, friends, family is way more important than me and go on about your busy life and then he will stop and say that's so not what I meant, then he can tap into his fears and shift into doing something to fix the problem, acceptance doesn't make it hurt any less, what it does is help you see the REALITY of your situation and take responsibility for YOURSELF and give yourself permission to create your own happiness with him or without him.

IMO you made it too easy for him and now you want to change the dynamics of the relationship because you can't take it anymore, you have to have more but it doesn't work like that, once you establish a pattern with a man he's going to stick with it until he decides otherwise....you gave him all the power and now it's a power struggle, you did what many many women do, they TRADE, they go by his terms to get instant gratification of having a man in your life and then you sit there in hopes of him changing his mind and that day seems to never come and when that never comes she wants to punish him, guilt him into giving her more, IT DOESN'T WORK like that.

What you can do regain a sense of power is shift your focus off of him but not in a cruel mean I want to scare you silly kind of way, dating and flirting is a start and opens the door for other men to fill your love cup up LOL so you can stop being so dependent on a man that isn't interested in what you want because the more you depend on his love and don't get it the way you need it the more angrier and needy you will become OR you can let him go and when he comes back you have a better chance of negotiating a FAIR relationship were your both getting your needs met.

scorpio_chic

11/7/2009 2:07:15 AM | IP

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and as far as turning my ringer off that night, that was not punishing him it was already almost midnight, he'd just got off work at 11:30 and I had to work at 9 am so I just wanted to go to sleep & not be disturbed. But in the past, I have always waited up for him when he got off work or I would answer his call anytime at night or in the morning. So things are changing just a little bit... but if I am available to take the call, I will take it. But I won't MAKE MYSELF available like I have in the past.

scorpio_chic

11/7/2009 2:02:42 AM | IP

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u make some good points. I am all wound up, lol he doesn't know of course cuz I haven't talked to him since earlier tonight. It's just this frustration... why does it have to be so difficult? It could all be so simple. But you are right. I'm not trying to punish him but you're right, when I called him "homie' it was thru a text message, and I smirked.. LOL luckily he couldn't see that. So I'm not TRYING to punish him, but maybe I am without really meaning to.
I'm trying like hell to be natural, I would love to be able to be natural & just be real about the way I feel. When he told me he missed me it caught me off guard, it's not something he says regularly so I didn't know how to respond because I remembered you telling me to be indifferent. So I was trying, and probably trying too hard. Even hearing the words come out of my mouth, when I said 'No you don't', and it was followed with a nervous laugh. I would've much rather said I missed him too but I was trying to play it cool but I was caught off guard & had to think fast.
So do you think he's mad at me for hanging up with him while I was at the bowling alley or do u think he's just trying to make me sweat it out? After a year and a half I hate that we have to play these games... because that's what it feels like to me. I'm so used to just being an open book lol but obviously that gets me no where.

tiki33

11/7/2009 2:01:03 AM | IP

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sorry for the typo's, sleepy

meant to say...he's now FOCUSED ON YOU and that is what he NEEDS and what need to help him get over his fears and excuses.

the less you express reciprocations of intimacy the HOTTER he will pursue you and the hotter he pursues the more FOCUSED he will be ON YOU and that helps him throw away his fears as time goes by, he just has to have what he can't have anymore which is YOU.

it's good not to be 100% available to a man that is NOT sure about you,

then he's going to associate how you handle negative situations with him as negative immature person and RESIST giving you more.

tiki33

11/7/2009 1:59:04 AM | IP

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tiki33

11/7/2009 1:52:04 AM | IP

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Well strap up because now your changing the dynamics of the relationship, one were you had little to no power to recapturing your power and he won't like it and he will mirror back your behavior which is FINE, let him because he's now FOCUSED ON YOU and that he NEEDS adn what you want and need to help him get over his fears and excuses.

I would suggest you stop punishing him over his decision to not be what you want him to be, that will only create more problems on top of the MAIN issue which is his stalling to give you a proper relationship. Treat him like you always treat him, you can still be kind and patient as you always have been but you can hold back on the intimate talk when he's expressing himself, the less you express the HOTTER he will get and the hotter is becomes the more FOCUSED he will be ON YOU, that is what he needs to help himself get to a comfortable space were he can give more but be careful to not tread on his pride and ego, if he says I miss you, try saying thank's babe or ditto as a form of reciprocation. Also turning your ringer off sometimes is fine, it's good not to be 100% available to a man that is sure about you, it's ATTRACTIVE to be mysterious by being slightly out of his reaach but again tread careful on that kind of behavior as to not wound his pride/ego or he will retreat.

Listen SC don't make this hard on the both of you, JUST RELAX and live your life but be careful that you don't try to play games by punishing him with the homie talk and turning off your ringer to the point you drive him into an emotional break were he shuts down completely. Try just being OKAY with his decision, he will at some point give you a real relationship but if you can't accept his decision today right now and you punish him for it then he's going to stall and then he's going to associate how you handle negative situations with him as negative and immature and RESIST giving you more.

Use distance not as a form of punishment but as a way to regain your emotional INDEPENDENCE back so you can kill your neediness over needing him to be what you want him to be which is your REAL BOYFRIEND and use distance to spend some quality time with yourself because you really can't RUSH a man to hurry up and commit, there is nothing you can do but love you and keep it moving and that will give him some time to catch up.

tiki33

11/7/2009 1:49:20 AM | IP

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