6 Ways to Recognize And Stop Dating A Narcissist

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3/9/2013 4:40:44 PM | More
CluelessCancer



Grumpy.

6 Ways to Recognize And Stop Dating A Narcissist
Posted: 02/27/2013 1:20 am

"I didn't see it coming," said Gina (not her real name). "The chemistry was through the roof, the sex off the charts! I thought he was my soul mate. And then he disappeared. I'm devastated." My client Gina had dated another narcissist, a man who cared more about his needs than hers, a guy who ran for the hills when Gina began to fall in love.

As her dating coach, I worked with Gina after divorce to help her stop dating the same toxic guy with a different face. I taught her how to easily spot a narcissist so she could steer clear from the start. And I worked with her on developing the inner strength and confidence to attract a man with character, someone with whom she could forge a healthy relationship after her marriage ended.

How do you easily spot a narcissist so you can stop dating him/her for once and for all?

(Author's note: for the purpose of this article, I refer to a woman dating a male narcissist, but the same holds true if you switched genders. Feel free to substitute woman for man).

It's pretty easy to spot the classic narcissist as defined by Merriam-Webster. Narcissism is defined as extreme selfishness, with a grandiose view of one's own talents and a craving for admiration.

It's a bit more complex when it's not so black and white, when the man you're dating is cleverly cloaked as the charming "nice guy." It's intoxicating to be around him. He's fun and exciting. It feels like he's your true soul connection. It's easy to lose your head and heart once you become emotionally or sexually involved.

If you learn how to spot a narcissist from the outset of a relationship, you can stop dating him right away. You won't experience the shock and heartbreak that Gina did. And soon you'll begin to attract healthier relationships into your life.

Here are six ways to recognize and stop dating a narcissist:

When you express your needs, he gets defensive. A narcissist puts his own needs first. He doesn't care about what matters to you, and will defend himself instead of apologizing. Address it the first time this happens and see how he responds. If he can't respect and honor your needs, walk away.
When the going gets tough, he gets going. A narcissist can't handle the pressures of your emotional life. He will be there for the fun times, but as soon as you have any type of personal crisis, he won't be there to support you. A good relationship is built on mu
3/9/2013 4:42:37 PM | More
CluelessCancer



Grumpy.

When he's hurt, he doesn't feel sad. He feels rage. If you express that you're upset with something he said or did, he will rage at you and deflect responsibility for his actions. A healthy relationship is one in which both parties feel safe, can express their needs without judgment, and take full responsibility for their contribution to the problem. If he can't do this, you should not stay with him.

He runs hot and cold. Narcissists will give you mixed signals. He'll be really into you, telling you that you're the most incredible woman he's ever met, and the next day, he is pulling away, acting aloof. It is crazy making. If you see these signs early on, it'll be easier for you to make a clean break.

He gets angry when you discuss exclusivity. Narcissists are often enamored with their freedom. If you talk to him about commitment after you've been dating for a few months, he will probably feel like a caged bird and blame you for wanting to box him in. In a healthy relationship, if one person is not ready to be exclusive, you can talk about it in a respectful way. You both get to choose whether it makes sense to stay or go. If a man is not on the same page as you in terms of monogamy, leave him to make room for one who wants an exclusive relationship.

His actions and words don't match. Pay attention to what he does more than what he says. Many narcissists are wordsmiths. They lure you in with their charming words, but they don't follow through with their actions. If it's too good to be true, it usually is.
3/9/2013 4:43:05 PM | More
CluelessCancer



Grumpy.

If he exhibits any of the above behaviors, you should get out of this relationship as soon as possible. How?

Don't make demands on him to change. He won't.

Don't nag him or play games with him, such as making him chase you by playing hard to get. These tactics will never get him to be the kind of guy with whom you can forge a healthy relationship.

Do speak to him with firm conviction. Tell him that this relationship is not working for you.

And this is crucial: walk away, never to look back and hope for reconciliation.
3/9/2013 4:46:27 PM | More
tiziani



The man with the golden fence

Even if the article is valid for avoiding the behaviour listed, this has very little to do with narcissism. It rarely plays itself out this neatly packaged. One of the reasons I hate hack writing. Because people actually read it and misuse words. There's a little healthy narcissism within us all.
3/9/2013 4:47:46 PM | More
Marmotini

female

Gemini Sun, Capricorn Moon, Scorpio Asce

Yes, I think narcissists can come in the highly attentive, nice guy package. That's why they're appealing to codependents, they provide a lot of time and attention, and it makes the codependent feel like they've found someone to dote on and who appreciates all of their attention.

However, if the narcissist gets bored, he's just gone with no apologies.

Or becomes abusive and controlling.

I've known both types. I even wonder if the same man could do both, just at different times in his life or with different types of women, or even with the same woman if she behaves differently toward him (if she's over-enabling, he gets bored and disappears, if she's hard to control, he becomes possessive and possibly abusive).

The craving for attention and admiration they have can be confusing, because they will eat up the empathy of a codependent with a spoon, and can do it for months or years, and then it's mistaken as them actually giving a treetrunk about someone other than themselves.

I think it's good to avoid men who obsess a little too much on having a physical ideal. That's a weird objectifying way of seeing women, and even if they get a woman with that particular "look" it doesn't mean the relationship will work, it will be healthy, she will stay with him, or that he'll even be happy; meanwhile he would reject a more suitable partner who did not fit his imaginary ideal.

It's kind of pathetic actually, because the narcissist only loves himself, and even when he thinks he's "in love," it's about HIM and his perfect image, not the woman he's actually with.
3/9/2013 5:20:04 PM | More
CluelessCancer



Grumpy.

"It's kind of pathetic actually, because the narcissist only loves himself, and even when he thinks he's "in love," it's about HIM and his perfect image, not the woman he's actually with."

Exactly if a man talks about how smart and hot he is, is he a narcissist or just insecure???..or asks questions like should I buy these shoes for $190...isn't that selfish him buying himself items like that and claiming self love, when he never gives to his significant other...nor isn't it kind of absurd to spend like that when he doesn't even have the $$$$$...

i mean how can you complain a laptop is way too expensive at $400-500 but you would consider shoes at $190.


3/9/2013 5:45:42 PM | More
seraph

37 years old male from Canada  

First Decan, Mercurian and Venusian Leo.

Posted by Pecheresse
im in love with this narcissistic man because he knows he is one, and is willing to make us aware of how narcissistic people behave


http://samvak.tripod.com/


LOL there he is.

This guy's hilarious. But he was a good sport for allowing that bio to be done about him. No doubt it was his narcissism at work then too. LOL
3/9/2013 5:50:54 PM | More
seraph

37 years old male from Canada  

First Decan, Mercurian and Venusian Leo.

The bio starts here:



3/9/2013 5:51:59 PM | More
CluelessCancer



Grumpy.

Posted by msmarilynmanson
been chatting with the ex again clueless?


he asked that yesterday if he should buy shoes for $190 bucks. He never bought me flowers. I hate him. He is a sick sick sick human being.
3/9/2013 5:56:09 PM | More
CluelessCancer



Grumpy.

the other day he said "you hate when i go ummmm ummmmmmmmmmmm ummmm in our conversations, don't you?" than he goes "ummmmmmmmmm"...Is that a real reply "ummmmmm ummmmmmm ummmmmm" or "dead silence"...he's sick I tell you. He is so observant, but i think only to abuse. Narcissistic.
3/9/2013 5:58:41 PM | More
tiziani



The man with the golden fence

Funny thing is CC, a Cancer just posted in the Libra forum for advice on a Libra male and described pretty much the same behaviour in this article. Looks like she could do with your help Cancer to Cancer.

3/9/2013 6:02:15 PM | More
CluelessCancer



Grumpy.

Posted by tiziani
Funny thing is CC, a Cancer just posted in the Libra forum for advice on a Libra male and described pretty much the same behaviour in this article. Looks like she could do with your help Cancer to Cancer.


How can I help anybody, if i can't help myself???
3/9/2013 6:28:29 PM | More
Marmotini

female

Gemini Sun, Capricorn Moon, Scorpio Asce

Posted by CluelessCancer
Posted by msmarilynmanson
been chatting with the ex again clueless?


he asked that yesterday if he should buy shoes for $190 bucks. He never bought me flowers. I hate him. He is a sick sick sick human being.


Has he ever bragged that his jeans cost more than your entire wardrobe or asked you why you wear such ugly shoes, when he knows you wear them because your mom who lives 3,000 miles away sent them to you as a gift and they're comfortable?

The problem with narcissists is that most people (I think women in particular, though sometimes men) don't even realized who they're being pulled in by.

Sociopaths and narcissists are capable of such persistent charm, and usually are so adept at appearing physically attractive, that it has the "halo effect," causing people to fall all over themselves praising his (or her) wit and charm, cleaning up his toddler-like emotional messes for him (because poor baby he just doesn't know how to do it himself), and generally just being seduced.

Sociopaths and narcissists are VERY seductive, on average, and the "nice guy" racket is the scariest, because the sociopath is completely pretending, BUT THE NARCISSIST MAY ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT HE IS A NICE GUY AND DESERVES BETTER TREATMENT.

And there's usually no shortage of gullible strangers on Internet forums, or lonely attractive women, that will agree with him.

A lot of times, too, people seem to believe that just because a narcissist has treated 10, 15, or 100 people a certain way, that they're somehow "special" and he really will treat them better, when in the end, he's just not emotionally capable of it.

That's key to remember, so that you don't want to choke them, that they're emotionally about four years old, that their parents did it to them, and the best thing to do is to stay away from them and maybe try to warn others, because telling them what's wrong usually doesn't affect them in the slightest.

It's even difficult for licensed therapists to cure pathological narcissists, because they don't CARE that they're hurting other people, as long as they don't lose what they want or need at that time, and may even think that other people are always the other problem.

There is hope, though. If you can get someone to admit they're a narcissist, that they need and will
3/9/2013 6:34:13 PM | More
Marmotini

female

Gemini Sun, Capricorn Moon, Scorpio Asce

..if you can get the narcissist to admit that he or she is a narcissist, and that he or she needs professional help because all of their relationships become disasters, then sometimes they do change and heal. BUT THEY HAVE TO BE ABLE TO SEE IT THEMSELVES, HOW ITS treetrunkING UP THEIR OWN LIFE.

Also, if you are attracted to narcissists, you need therapy yourself of some kind to learn to be attracted to people who are healthier.

Codependents are easily pulled in by narcissists, and need to learn to change their own behavior, as well, as the only person you can "help" or "fix" in the end is YOURSELF.

3/9/2013 6:39:58 PM | More
Marmotini

female

Gemini Sun, Capricorn Moon, Scorpio Asce

Posted by CluelessCancer
the other day he said "you hate when i go ummmm ummmmmmmmmmmm ummmm in our conversations, don't you?" than he goes "ummmmmmmmmm"...Is that a real reply "ummmmmm ummmmmmm ummmmmm" or "dead silence"...he's sick I tell you. He is so observant, but i think only to abuse. Narcissistic.


YES.YES.

Narcissists have great people-smarts for this kind of thing, that's part of the reason I think that people hope that they actually have more emotional intelligence than they actually do.

Because they can see what pushes your buttons, and they push them. All day long. Every day.

Mainly for abuse and control and their own amusement, yes.

Narcissists are the trolls of IRL.

I was confused by this trait, at first, thinking no, a person who is so uncomfortable with feelings isn't really capable of being this inter-relationally manipulative.

Yes, yes he is.

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