How long does it take a man to get over a divorce?

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4/6/2011 12:55:04 PM | More
mahogany2

This man divorce was final a year ago and the marriage only last for 2 years and he said the wife took him down through it financially and emotionally. He said he was really in love with her and I dont know exactly what happened because no one never tell the entire story. But they have been apart for 2 years now so how long is it going to take him to want another relationship or even think about it?


And I am married going through a divorce myself so Am I the problem?

Male responses too.
4/6/2011 1:56:09 PM | More
venusianbull

43 years old female from A Lush Meadow, US of A  

In the dead of night, it's the anti-sig.

Depends on the man. Some are ready quite soon after, some never are. They retire into bachelorhood with great aplomb, bidding such things adieu. If you listen carefully...you can hear the gentle strains of "Taps" being played.
4/6/2011 4:07:37 PM | More
mahogany2

He wanted to go to counseling but she would not and they had a fight and he put her out. And she did not come back and she filed for divorce a year later. And he signed but he did not want it to be over but he thought that was the best thing so they were only in the marriage together for one year. But they I think they dated for 2 years and they didnt live together until after they got married. they do not have any kids and I think he is depressed because the marriage did not work and it was his second one.

So now the question is can I help him come out of his depression since in his eyes I am the one that got away? Or since I am in such a happy place right that it might make him sadder to see or hear form me? I just want to know do i just let him walk out of my life again, or should I just get myself together and check on him every now and then?
4/6/2011 7:54:42 PM | More
krysrenee7

female

Popcorn is best for these kinds of occas

It's about what trauma he went through during the course of the relationship moreso than it is about how long they were actually together. Whether or not he moves on quickly/harps depends on the kind of man he is

Him forgiving his wife & healing from it all is 1 thing. Him being ready to move on is another. Once this guy finally heals, forgives her, or whatever, that still doesn't guarantee that he'll be ready to start the process all over again with someone else.

We don't have alot of details to work with, so my guess would be that it takes the average man who was truly THAT hurt (married or not) quite a while to consciously want/seek another relationship with the right person, for all the right reasons & at the right time.

If you're in his life & trying to get the ball rolling with you two around this time when he's still got unfinished emotional anger/business with his ex wive, then you being around is just going to complicate things. Even if he feels that you're the sweetest thing he's ever laid eyes on, his fear of being hurt or starting all over again may EASILY over-shadow & outweigh his admiration for you.

The rules still apply to even you married people! Don't jump into a relationship until you're BOTH ready (not just 1 person) AND don't start 1 thing until you finish another
4/6/2011 8:59:26 PM | More
virgodreamz

female


Aw Purr poor dad ♥

@Mahogany, I don't know how long it will take this guy to get over his divorce, he sounds like he has a lot to get over, but I agree with this:

Posted by krysrenee7

Don't jump into a relationship until you're BOTH ready (not just 1 person) AND don't start 1 thing until you finish another
4/6/2011 10:50:47 PM | More
mahogany2

I wasnt going to jump into the relationship I just wanted to know how much time do I have to get my stuff together. I am going through a divorce and I am not leaving empty handed so I got some work to do. I figure I need at least another year to really be ready for him, but I really wanted to just be his friend right now and no sex. Sometimes people just need a friend to talk to. Eventhough there is a strong sexual attraction there so I am talking just the phone and sometimes out on a date but never alone.


But I will give him time because I need time too. Do I call every now & then?

4/7/2011 12:07:53 AM | More
tiki33

female

Oxytocin, when it’s got you hooked on

A man that didn't initiate a divorce can take years to get over the failure and loss of his marriage especially if loved the woman deeply despite her issues and shortcomings, some men never get over it. Your situation is complex I'm sure yet try to focus more on yourself and your life. Right now it doesn't seem he's moving towards a relationship with you so maybe you shouldn't worry about that and just be there when he show up if you can.

"So now the question is can I help him come out of his depression since in his eyes I am the one that got away? Or since I am in such a happy place right that it might make him sadder to see or hear form me? I just want to know do i just let him walk out of my life again, or should I just get myself together and check on him every now and then?"

No don't help him, that will only make him feel like a helpless mess, of course if he approaches you for emotional support then be there for him within limits. As for walking way well you have your own life to sort out and you won't be fully available for him for a few years and he may not want to deal with all the heavy emotional stuff that comes with being with an emotionally unavailable woman, he already did that with his emotionally unavailable ex-wife and he probably doesn't want to go through that drama and pain again.

Yet you can reach out to see how he responds but don't push too hard or he may disappear on you forever...If it were me I would just get my life together first and then seek him out but everyone chooses there own path.
4/7/2011 12:20:02 AM | More
dofacc



Dumpy Old Fart

So, I was with my scorp ex for 30 years. We really should have separated well before that, but really couldn't for family reasons. When the time came that we could separate, it was actually fairly easy, certainly easier than I thought it would be. I sort of wondered why, after all we had been together for a long, long time.

I mentioned this to one of my sisters. She told me a story about a time when my parents separated for a time. My mother went to stay with sister. Sister asked mother why mother didn't seem down or sad. Mother's response was that the mourning period had come and gone before they had actually separated.

I have to admit that this was true for me. Perhaps the person in question has never gotten through the mourning period. Maybe they never will, hard for me to know, but they obviously have not put this behind them.
4/11/2011 11:22:42 PM | More
mahogany2

I agree, so I want make another move and I haven't because I haven't talked to him in 5 weeks now. But I was thinking could I run into him in another 2 months. Because I know how to find him if I want to, because my dad lives in the same neighborhood? Not that i would stop by his house or anything but maybe run into him at the store or something. I am in the mourning stage of my marriage right now. And like I said I just want my friend back, and i am thinking maybe he don't want me as his friend.

Do you think that is why his business is going under, and now he is always sleeping, eating, an drinking? And this is something he did not do much of ; eventhough it has been like 12 years since we have been together but drinking alot and sleeping alot is not him. And the thing of him going out to clubs is really not him but I do understand the thing of getting over someone.


I am confussed because I don't want to loose him again or have I already?
4/13/2011 9:12:57 PM | More
krysrenee7

female

Popcorn is best for these kinds of occas

I get that you still want to be his friend, BUT the problem is that you've already emotionally acknowledged deep feelings for this man. And whether you're single or not, the same theory that 2 people who have deep feelings for eachother CAN'T be friends, applies to even you, even though you're still married to someone else.

But hey, you could be the exception. If you truly believe that you 2 can be strictly platonic friends (b/c anything more than that will complicate things), then go for it.

If not, you're only setting yourself up for disaster. But not b/c you 2 don't deserve eachother. No, moreso b/c having feelings for someone that you can't have will cloud your judgement & cause you to make the most common crucial mistakes: allowing your emotions to take over logic. There's a reason people advise others NOT to try to downgrade back to being "just friends" after feelings have already gotten involved.

2 people who would be a perfect match together HAD they just waited until they were fully done with past relationship may end up being 2 people who never work out simply b/c they tried to "make it work" or create a semi-committed relationship while they still had unfinished business with others.

I'm not saying that your relationship with him can't possibly work out now or in the future. BUT I think the relationship's success rate would be 10Xs HIGHER if you BOTH waited to "try" after you've both cut off all strings from the past. Waiting can be a bxtch, b/c hey the heart wants what it wants! BUT if you truly love him, you'd be willing to do what it takes, hence the famous saying "If you love him, you'll let him go."
4/13/2011 9:13:25 PM | More
krysrenee7

female

Popcorn is best for these kinds of occas

You 2 may be right for eachother, but just NOT right for eachother right NOW. And there's a difference.

4/14/2011 4:17:24 AM | More
ReallyNiceAriesPerson



thrill seeking dare devil who loves to l

RE:
"If you love him, you'll let him go."

If one lets someone go, there is no guaranteeing that the "someone" or anyone else for that matter, will come (back) into your life, is there?

Is it possible to have the same awesome connection with more than one person?
4/14/2011 6:49:45 AM | More
krysrenee7

female

Popcorn is best for these kinds of occas

Posted by ReallyNiceAriesPerson
RE:
"If you love him, you'll let him go."

If one lets someone go, there is no guaranteeing that the "someone" or anyone else for that matter, will come (back) into your life, is there?

Is it possible to have the same awesome connection with more than one person?


Of course there's no guarantee, BUT that's the risk we gotta take sometimes. In love, we all take risks, it's just that some risks are more likely to breed a bad or disappointing outcome more than others.

She has just as BIG of a risk of losing him if she STAYS than she does if she leaves him alone! Either way, she's taking a risk! If she stays, she's taking the risk of being led on, played, wasting her precious time (time that she WON'T ever get back), being more heartbroken, being more drained, running this guy off completely, etc.

If she leaves for "right now," sure she may lose out on him forever, BUT the good thing that'd come out of it all is that she walked away with her head held high, with high standards & expectations that she's NOT willing to give up on AND a sane mind! Those things are priceless!

If you're more drained, hurt, lonely, confused, etc. when you're WITH someone, you've now defeated the purpose of being in a relationship OR atleast having a companion. In most cases, you can do bad all by yourself. OR atleast be by yourself UNTIL your relationship with the other person actually has a real chance at being one that both parties aren't so drained from as a result of trying to be together. If you're more hurt/confused than you are happy, that's an indication that it's time to go! Well, atleast for right NOW.

And if that person NEVER comes back after you left, they were never "yours" to begin with! It wouldn't have worked out anyways! 2 people that TRULY want to be together will NOT let anything stop them from being together ESPECIALLY after they've both gotten themselves together! If they want you when you're down, it doesn't make sense that they wouldn't STILL want you when you're at your best
4/14/2011 7:08:59 AM | More
ReallyNiceAriesPerson



thrill seeking dare devil who loves to l

"...If she leaves for "right now," sure she may lose out on him forever, BUT the good thing that'd come out of it all is that she walked away with her head held high, with high standards & expectations that she's NOT willing to give up on AND a sane mind! Those things are priceless!..."


I did all this (except for the part of having the sane mind of course!!) and I am left with...... nothing.
It's all very well to say things like "men respect women with standards and backbone" but I tried it and found out that NO - THEY DON'T!!
Now I have no one to have great sex with, no hairy back for me to rub, no one to give a blow job to in the middle of the night and I may never have that again. Most unlikely at my age if you believe the statistics.
It doesn't feel priceless at this end, I can tell you.
Where are all the good things?????????

I don't want other people to just give up like I did and walk away from what might be the love of their lives.
Aren't we supposed to give it everything? Try harder, MAKE it work??
Don't just fold and walk away.

Really Failed Aries Person - disgrace to the Aries family
4/14/2011 7:17:38 AM | More
krysrenee7

female

Popcorn is best for these kinds of occas

Well here's the key factor you're story is missing. The guy YOU were dating actually didn't like standards. That doesn't mean that the average guy won't like standards or a woman with a backbone.

Giving a relationship all you've got IS something we oughta do, BUT it 1st has to be the RIGHT relationship. It has to 1st be a relationship that's being had with the RIGHT person. If not, NO you're absolutely NOT going to gain anything from being a ride-or-die for the wrong person...the only common outcome in those situations is exactly what you described--you get NOTHING in return.

BUT know that this only happens when you weren't with the right person to begin with.

Personally, I won't date a man who is turned off, insulted OR offended by me or any women having a backbone. Sometimes loving someone else means loving YOURSELF 1st & harder 1st. And unfortunately, sometimes when we've finally mastered the art of loving self, we finally realize that doing so involves leaving alot of people behind.

If the ONLY way for you to keep a relationship peaceful or running is to lose your backbone, settle or keep giving more than you're receiving, that's a clear indication that you're in the WRONG relationship.

Look at it this way: Of course you'll never get your $$ back if you keep loaning it to a homeless man! Had you loaned your $$ to a man who had income to begin with, being stood up or left empty-handed when you finally need compensation won't be so hard or impossible!

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