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I THINK I MAY BE AT THE END OF MY ROPE

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Spookygrl
7/30/2012 3:20:10 PM | IP

I have been with a Taurus man for almost 3 years now. We met onlne, talked almost everyday for hours, and after 6 months of knowing eachother I moved cross-country to be with him. Once I moved in I started seeing things I did not exactly like. He was very possesive of his things and didnt really want to integrate any of my furniture or kitchen items or wall decorations into his home. When he got angry he would say things liek I dint respect his home or what he had done for me by letting me move into his home. Well after almost 3 years of numerous arguments and thr roller coaster ride of happy and miserable, I think I may have gotten to my breaking point. I have signed 2 leases in the past and then backed out the next day because I couldn't bear to actually leave and end the relationship. But the clincher may have been our most recent argument...it happened 2 days ago and it went something like this: I was working a 12hour shift and he had the day off, but he went into work to fabricate some parts for a car he is re-building. Towards the mid-afternoon I called him to say hi while I took a break form working and we briefly spoke. He wasn't saying much but he did say that he was going to be leaving to go to a car cruise in a couple of hours. This event was something we had done together in previous years, but this year I would be working as it started. He didnt ask me if I wanted to go, he just said he was going. I felt a little miffed by it, so I just said "well have fun". At that point he asked me if that comment was supposed to make him feel bad,and I said no and that I didnt care of he went to the cruise but that he didnt even ask if I wanted to go at all. Anyway....a little while later I sent a text saying that I might be late at work and that if he was waiting for me, that it was okay to just go ahead and go. He texted back saying well if you want to go when you get home then I will come and pick you up and then we can go back. I replied, no thats okay. Later that evening I when I called him to find out how things were and everything, he was pissed because he didnt like my response of "no thats okay". He took it as I didnt want to spend time with him. Well we proceeded to end up not speaking to eachother for the next few hours and when I came to try to talk to him (like I ALWAYS have to, because he NEVER comes to me to smooth things out), he was acting like he didnt give a crap about anything. So I said fine if you wanna be mad...
Spookygrl
7/30/2012 3:33:27 PM | IP

...and I walked away. Well, in our relationship I am the one is gets bothered when we arent getting along. It makes me physically ill and physically unable to calm down. I had to be up very very early the next day and couldnt settle down to even get close to falling alseep...he was downstairs watching tv, looking like there was nothing bothering him. So I got frustrated and said I cant calm down and this sucks, and I started to cry a little. He came upstairs, got into bed and just layed there while I was crying. He didnt acknowledge me, try to comfort me or anything. And after about 10 minutes, with tears rolling down my face, I turned and looked at him. And all he said was "what?". And thatw as just it for me. I launched into asking why he never comforts me, why he always just leaves me crying and does nothing, like he just ignores whats happening in front of him. He responed in anger and threw his arms open and I just sat there thinking, "is this a choe for him? why doesnt he willingly give me comfort?", and he said "I am not going to stay liek this forever..." and because I felt like it wasnt genuine, I didnt move into his arms. I asked him again, " why dont you just hug and comfort me when I am crying? Why dont you ever do it, whether or not I am crying becaus eof you or somehting else, why dont you comfort me?"... and he said, "why so you can push me away?, No Im' not goint o be doing that?". And I said how doyou know I would do that? All I wan tit comfort, I come to you with everything! Even when I am mad at you, I STILL come to you!" ANd we went round and round, he got madder and madder, and refused to answer any of my questions or even acknowledge me at all. He said that "I was bad-mouthing him in his own house and I was just lucky he ddidnt throw my a$$ out on the street." Well, I went from frustrated and crying to downright mad at that point. So I said, you know I dont feel like you love me....people comfort those that they love and you just WONT...you REFUSE!! So why dont you just tell me to move out then?! And he said since you're the one bringing it up, if thats what you wnat to do then do it!
Spookygrl
7/30/2012 3:57:57 PM | IP

I pleaded with him to talk to me, to just give me an answer to my question and he just wouldnt even say anything. He had his back turned to me the whole time and wouldnt even respect me enough to talk about any of it. Anytime I try to talk things out he doesnt give me his full attention. He watches tv, plays on the computer, works on the car....he doesnt stop what he is doing....just keeps right on going, without answering me or acknowledging me and it just makes me feel belittled. Well this felt like the last straw for me.

(I asked him once if he ever thought about what life would be like if I wasnt there and he said yes. And I asked, what? when we are fighting? Is that when you think about it? and he said yeah. And then I asked, so what did you come up with? ANd he said I dont like it. He said I think I would be sitting in my car crying.)

So, in the midst of this whole bad moment that was happening upstairs in bed, I said to him...so are ya thinking about life without me here now? How does that look to you now? Pretty good, I bet....and of course no response.

The next morning, I went to work without kissing him or saying goodbye...which we have tried not to do when we are mad at eachother...and we did not speak at all that day or night. I went and looked at a house for rent. We slept in the same bed, but never said a word. This morning I woke up for work again, left without kissing him again, and have not spoken all day... again. I always come to him to smooth things out in the aftermath and this time, I just wont do it. I feel like he really hurt me with his cold nature and dismssive treatment of my feelings and I just wont give in. He doesnt have the balls to talk to me, whether to work things out or tell me to get out of his house. He wont make a choice, he will leave me to do it. And at this point, I believe I will move out...without us speaking a single word. I think he is just THAT stubborn. I feel that I am only valuable to him when he wants something from me and he is unwilling to give me what I need...even when I ask for it. I deserve better and I thought that because he had been alone for so long before we met and his previous relationships didnt work out so great, that he would try harder with me to make it all work. But....it seems he has just given up. And I have almost moved out 3 times before, signed leases, paid deposits and everything without him even knowing I did...and ultimately couldnt bring myself to leave him.
Nefer
7/30/2012 4:07:22 PM | IP
Nefer

41 years old female from Michigan  

Totally freakin' awesome, LOVE being me!

Well, if you can't find it in yourself to leave a relationship that is grinding you down like this.. what do you want from us? A magic wand to wave and make him Mr. Perfect Boyfriend? Sorry, I left it in my other pants.

Tell me again why you love this man so much? And why you loving him is more important than you loving you?
ArticleL
7/30/2012 5:18:40 PM | IP
ArticleL

I find this cute for some reason. Hmmmmmmm just people in love doing the usual. Relationship wise we rarely fall out with mothers but when it comes to others the norm is the usual.

1. First mistake is not knowng the standards of his house in which regaurdless of who you are you are still a guest in.

2. Your being a whiny baby because of your own mistakes and the tension of crap and love mixed together.

3. Both of you have communcation problems.

4. You said I almost moved out and broke up with him but you went with him before you ever stepped into a house so who do you go with the house or him.

5. Your being a whiny baby which is cute and shows your love but your stupidity as well.

6. Hes in a state where you and your emotions have wobbled onto his ignore list this type of thing is hard to predict when and how it happens but regaurdless you have ticked him off.

6. I think you need to remove yourself from the house which is where everything started from.

7. Stop crying.
tiki33
7/30/2012 6:25:20 PM | IP
tiki33

female

Oxytocin, when it’s got you hooked on

6 months is not a long time to get to know one another, he was a complete stranger when you moved in with him and honestly I'm surprised that you 2 lasted 6 months but given that you lasted 3 years, I believe there is something between the 2 of you, love, you both genuinely care for one another but given that you are from 2 different countries, communication is hard between the both of you, if he could express how he felt and that he'd cry if you both broke let's me know he's in love with you but he's frustrated with your immaturity eg inability to communicate in a way that doesn't make him feel like he's being manipulated.

Counseling would be good, learning his culture and how the women communicate with their men is another way of learning a few boundaries and if that's not an option be "HONEST", you told him you were not bothered by him not asking you to go to the car show but clearly you were bothered and how hard would it have been to say "I want to go with you to the show. Can you wait for me or come pick me up when I get off work"

I suggest you be more forthcoming with how you truly feel, it's frustrating when a woman won't be up front and forthcoming with the truth and instead reverts into manipulating a persons feelings to get the kind of reaction SHE wants.

If you can learn how to communicate in a way that's mature and open and honest things could change dramatically and if it doesn't change then by all means move.

Maybe there is so much more to your story and it's not just the communication factoring in as to why you feel you want to leave, if you must leave do it, after 3 years no marriage proposal it's about time to be moving on anyway especially if marriage is a goal of yours for your future.
Nala13
7/30/2012 6:32:01 PM | IP
Nala13

37 years old female from A place called Happy, the journey was all about getting to know me  

Pretty funny, almost always on time. I c

It's easy to focus on the negative because you are in a dark place. Let's focus on the positive for a minute, shall we? You didn't get pregnant. You didn't marry him. You didn't buy a home together. He hasn't beat you or worse murdered you. All of these things could have but did not happen. Consider yourself lucky and buy a one way ticket home. Go where people love you. You are not at the end of your rope but rather at the beginning of the next chapter in your life. Go forth with the knowledge that this experience has taught you something and that right now, you are exactly where you are supposed to be. Sometimes things just don't work out.
SwimmingLioness
7/30/2012 8:32:02 PM | IP
SwimmingLioness

female from The Great Plains  USA  

Leo Sun/Merc/Venus

The user who posted this message has hidden it.

SwimmingLioness
7/30/2012 8:33:15 PM | IP
SwimmingLioness

female from The Great Plains  USA  

Leo Sun/Merc/Venus

Heh ^^^ typo.

@OP, he's a Taurus? What's your sign? Just curious?
Spookygrl
7/31/2012 7:32:13 AM | IP

SwimmingLioness, I am a Scorpio. And although I am typically pretty strong-willed and confident, with all the Taurus men I have dated (except one) I am typically emotionally wrecked and more needy than with other men. I'm not really sure why that is, except to say that with Taurus I feel completely attached and afraid that it isnt real, but also taken advantage of and afraid to accept that I may be just a toy. There has been only one Taurus man, my very first boyfriend ever, who was a doormat where I was concerned and did everything I wanted, which is ultimately why I left him. Since him, any Taurus I date, doesnt seem to have the tools to deal with me and certainly wont give me what I want....at least in my eyes. Of course, they always seem to say that no matter what they do, it isnt right....

Spookygrl
7/31/2012 7:42:55 AM | IP

Nala13... I very much appreciate your words and your perspective. It is easy to see all the negatives, but you are completely right and I am thankful that I have not complicated matters by buying a house or becomming pregnant. I am very afraid to irretrievably link myself to this man, because I ultimately feel he is looking out for himself above all else.

tiki33...I see your point and in the beginning of our relationship I did ASK when I wanted something and speak my mind, but that quickly fell to the wayside when I never really got to have adult conversations with him to resolve issues. He would shut me down because he didnt like what I was saying. So I have bottled a lot up and am now at the point where I feel he just digs his heels in anytime I bring up an issue or how I would like things to be.
RoseTheTaurus
7/31/2012 10:48:14 AM | IP
RoseTheTaurus

female from Pasadena, California  

Person, Escape Artist ..................

My first and last Scorpio relationship ended because of power struggles. It was great in the beginning, but then the non stop fighting started. I actually felt like I was fighting for the right to keep my soul. I personally feel like Scorpios can sense the innate stability and self-respect in Taurus and it makes them feel a bit out of control. You keep saying you don't want to irretrievably attach yourself to him b/c your afraid he's in it for himself- well that "selfishness" is self-respect and self-diginity. That is just INNATE in a taurus. With my Scorpio ex, I was faithful and trustworthy and I did love him. However, he felt like I was holding back from him, since I never became a bumbling emotional wreck around him. Like he needed to have control over my soul. He needed to feel like he at least had the POTENTIAL to make me an unstable emotional catastrophe. I'm not capable of it. Even through tears, I always felt that no matter what, I know who I am and I will always have my core strength. Your Taurus can care deeply for you and be a sturdy force in your life. But if you need him to *emotionally submit* to you, in order to feel secure, that's not going to happen. At the end of the day, no matter what happens, Taurus will always keep their self-respect and won't submit to anyone. I know your probably thinking that you don't want to dominate him, but that is probably what it feels like to him. Relationships should be an equal partnership, a SHARING. I feel like Scorpios need to feel like your emotionally dependent on them, to feel in control. Being the "Dependee" keeps you in a constant state of anxiety, because IT IS NOT HEALTHY. However, if you NEED your partner to be as emotionally dependent on you as you are on them- please get with a fellow water sign. Earth wants to be nurtured, not molded into a different shape.

I fear your communications are just too far damaged to be fixed simply. He's SUSPICIOUS of you and feels like he has protect himself, every time you speak to him. How do you resolve anything, if his defenses go up the second you open your mouth? Trust is really important and it's obvious you both don't trust each other. Not even enough, to communicate openly.
Things go up and down with this pairing because, he wants emotional stability and you want emotional intensity. Doesn't always blend well. I would move on. But your both fixed signs and will do whatever you want.

Spookygrl
7/31/2012 12:21:02 PM | IP

Thank you RoseTheTaurus. Your insight is an amazing help! It perfectly describes a lot of what is happening and helps me see where he may be coming from, because he wont tell me himself. I do believe that I need him to emotionally open up to me and he always says "I dont know" to everything. I just dont understand that response and it drives me crazy...how can you not know your own mind or how you feel about things that have to do with our relationship. I dont know if there is something even more about this particular Taurus that prevents him from just letting go and trusting me, but he has only had one pretty good relationship with a woman in his whole life (and he is 42 years old), and the only reason that one ended is because she got cancer and he decided she should go home to be with her parents after she staretd treatment. He says that he was concerned that if something happened to her, like she died, that her family wouldnt be around her. I thought this was a little weird when he told me the story, since they had been together for 2 years and lived with his parents...but, I digress.

He will not indulge me with his emotions. I think that is a hugs part of my problem; I cant get him to just melt and tell me everything. I want to know that he has such love for me that he can express it easily and deeply...maybe I am just too concerned about trying to have him "submit emotionally" as you have said...that makes a lot of sense to me and is the absolute truth. He told me today, when we finally had a chat, that he never stops loving me and that maybe I just need to relax. So hard for me...I am an intense person. When I am happy I practically glow, and when I am irritated or angry, it is an internal battle not to ice him out or seek revenge...and when I am sad or hurt or insecure, the tears easily flow. I feel like he sees this as weakness...when I see it as a way to connect deeper...to have a chance to console and be consoled.
RoseTheTaurus
7/31/2012 3:56:22 PM | IP
RoseTheTaurus

female from Pasadena, California  

Person, Escape Artist ..................

Oh I remember constantly telling my ex to just relax. "I told you I love you! Do you think I'm lying?!"lol Taurus and Scorpio treat expressing emotions very differently. I think its all about having different love languages. I like to show love through actions, not words. When my Scorpio ex asked(pressed, pushed, bullied) me to express my emotions- my mind literally goes blank and I feel attacked. I have no idea how to SAY how I feel. I just know how to feel it. I don't know how else to explain. It truly is fustrating.lol
Xin
7/31/2012 4:13:46 PM | IP
Xin

female

Gemini all the way baby! :) *~*~*~*

Posted by tiki33
6 months is not a long time to get to know one another, he was a complete stranger when you moved in with him and honestly I'm surprised that you 2 lasted 6 months but given that you lasted 3 years, I believe there is something between the 2 of you, love, you both genuinely care for one another but given that you are from 2 different countries, communication is hard between the both of you, if he could express how he felt and that he'd cry if you both broke let's me know he's in love with you but he's frustrated with your immaturity eg inability to communicate in a way that doesn't make him feel like he's being manipulated.

Counseling would be good, learning his culture and how the women communicate with their men is another way of learning a few boundaries and if that's not an option be "HONEST", you told him you were not bothered by him not asking you to go to the car show but clearly you were bothered and how hard would it have been to say "I want to go with you to the show. Can you wait for me or come pick me up when I get off work"

I suggest you be more forthcoming with how you truly feel, it's frustrating when a woman won't be up front and forthcoming with the truth and instead reverts into manipulating a persons feelings to get the kind of reaction SHE wants.

If you can learn how to communicate in a way that's mature and open and honest things could change dramatically and if it doesn't change then by all means move.

Maybe there is so much more to your story and it's not just the communication factoring in as to why you feel you want to leave, if you must leave do it, after 3 years no marriage proposal it's about time to be moving on anyway especially if marriage is a goal of yours for your future.


+1

Six months = You don't really know someone let alone to move in with them.

 

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