Confused about my Virgo bf.
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|Regarding the title, what's new, right? lol|
But I'm not confused in the sense that what he does is baffling to me, I'm confused about what I, myself, should do.
We've been together for 10 months now and I feel like we're in a relationship slump. Neither of us have yet to exchange "I love you"s, which is kind of a relief, because I don't love him yet. We also seem to have become so mundane.
Things aren't bad, but they aren't good either. They just simply...are. Sometimes in our relationship, I feel taken for granted. Everything feels like it is orchestrated on his time, not mine. He responds to my texts when he wants to, or simply doesn't respond--even when I ask a question; something that he would never leave open-ended previously. When *I* have suggestions for dates or hangouts, he says "maybe", which in reality is just a passive-aggressive "no." When we do hangout, he's very affectionate and tells me he likes me a lot. He tells me he's "addicted" to me and acts that way. Though, the second we are apart, *poof*, addiction gone.I might as well not even have a boyfriend.
Lately, I feel like I've been treated like an afterthought. Somehow, he is intuitive about when I feel this way, because he apologizes, but things just don't feel right. I still like him so much, but some of this relationship is beginning to feel rehearsed and contrived. It's like we're "performing" this relationship on a schedule; there's no room for spontaneity.
I don't require rose petals and diamond necklaces and all of those cheesy things, but at the very least, I ask that I be with someone who doesn't make me feel like an obligation. And sometimes he can be quite selfish. I get him little gifts and pay for both of us when we go out, and not once does he ever feel inclined to do the same for me. I LIKE doing those things but not when someone takes the gesture for granted.
I used to always be the first to text him, yet as of late, haven't felt inclined to talk to him much, so he's been texting me first. It's a trivial thing to notice, yes, but it gives me some hope that he IS still interested.
I just don't know if we should break-up, or if I should give us more time to see if things change.
|I don't know whether I should talk to him yet, or not. I would like to resolve this, but I feel that perhaps I am making a big deal out of nothing. Sometimes I feel I get angry over trivial things, and with some time, I come to a realization that there really was nothing to be upset over. I don't know if this is similar or not. I've never been in a serious relationship before this.|
|He's not feeding your ego enough *hand up*. Softly lady, softly. You seem to require many reassurances, pats and strokes to feel like you are on solid ground in relationship. He is not doing this, which compounds things and makes you feel as though he does not care.|
What I would suggest ( as CancerMoon did ) is bring this to him, all of it. See what he says. What his feelings are. Go from there.
|Ah, but if that IS the case, I would feel embarrassed to bring it up to him. "Oh hey, could you stroke my ego some more? No? Then we're over." What a horrible trait to admit defeat over. I mean, I do require some reassurance, but is it unruly or demanding to ask that my boyfriend seem interested in me and acknowledge my existence when we aren't standing next to one another? Or that I would like him to try new things I suggest, like he used to be willing to do? As I mentioned, I've never been in a serious relationship, so I don't know if my expectations are too idealistic or not. Of course, I have the common sense to know the basics of being mistreated, but I don't know if I'm being too hasty about deeming his actions as insensitive and uncaring. |
The last time I considered breaking up with him, we talked, resolved things and became closer. The problem is, I never want to tell someone to do something that doesn't seem natural to them. I want to be in a relationship with how a person naturally is, not with how a person feels they SHOULD be. It's not my place to tell him how to act. Suppose he does start texting and calling me more regularly, that would seem like a superficial resolution because he'd only be doing it since I asked, not because he wants to.
I don't know, I really am very confused!
|How can you be that friggin' gorgeous and somebody doesn't treat you like a queen?!? Baffles the crap outta me. Anywho, how old is he? Does he wear you on his arm in public (i.e. show you off and go nya nya look what you don't have)? Have you had sex with him? Have you both met eachothers' parents? What relationship-building activities do you do with him when you are together?|
|This isn't about asking him to do anything unnatural to self or his personality in general. This is about your comfort level, and his. A common meeting ground, not bending someone to your will in that regard. |
Case in point; you let this continue you will get more and more resolute that he does not give two flips about you, when his reaction might be "HUH?!" Do you see where I am going with this? If you let things build and build they don't do either of you any good. You wind up hurt and resentful, he picks up on that and creates distance. It will continue to cascade to the point of being ludicrous. Neither end point is what you want.
And pardon me, but bringing a potential problem up to someone you want to be with is not anything to be leery of. You should be comfortable enough to say "Look. My emotional needs are suffering because of this...that...oh, and here..". He may be completely unaware of its effect on you personally. And for you to go on with needless emotional "blearrrrgh" is doing you a disservice. And him one.
Yes, bring it up to him, please DO in fact.
Posted by OP3CRIMSIN
Well, thank you! That's very sweet of you to say haha.
He is my age, 21. He doesn't treat me like arm candy, if that is what you are asking, but I like that! I don't think many women like being paraded around simply as an object. Though, when I met his friends, most of them said they were really glad to finally meet me because they had heard a lot of good things. So at least, he used to seem kind of proud of me. We have had sex, but only once! It's odd, I know. I lost my virginity to him, and after, he acted like such a girl. I was fine with how things went, but he was really emotional and I had to console him. I felt like *I* was the one that just took his virginity. He said he wanted everything to be perfect for me and felt bad that it wasn't. Which is weird, because I already told him I didn't EXPECT perfection or anything remotely similar to it. Wow, come to think of it, ever since we had sex is when I noticed him acting differently. Hmm.
I have met his parents; I met them very early on. I see them quite frequently, actually. He hasn't really met my mom other than a brief encounter because she just recently got back from working 2 years in Texas.
And regarding your last question, what relationship-building activities do you mean? No bicycles built for two here, if that's considered an example haha.
|What is the point of a companion/bf if you feel lonely still?! I rather be single than be with someone who makes me feel lonely. Couple of my friends are dating virgo guys, and they all said that their virgo man never pays or if he does, then he pays for the cheaper thing. For example, they go out for dinner and movies. The virgo dude pays for the movies because the dinner is expensive and he wants my firend to take it. lol. |
I personally do not like virgos for their constant criticisms. So annoying. Does he criticize you a lot? Anyway, if he's going to treat you like an option and not a priority, bounce NOW! Also don't buy love. I don't know if you always pay for everything on dates or most of the time, but if you do, you might as well get a high class escort service dude because at least that guy will do his job and pay attention to you more than this guy does =)
I think girls who always pay for their bfs or most of the time are buying love. You should be with someone who loves you and WANTS to spend time with you. Not spend time with you out of obligation or because he has nothing better to do. Good luck w/ your thing girl!
Posted by venusianbull
Alright, thank you! I appreciate the straight-forward response. I always have to build up so much courage to confront someone, regardless of how comfortable I am with them. I just have to suck it up, though. Otherwise, like you mentioned, things will just escalate in a downward spiral.
|And lest we forget, love is not always rose petals, dripping waterfalls and soft music piped in overhead so that you glide across a floor enraptured in someones dewy eyes. It takes conscious effort, real work and an honest feeling that this is the person you want to be with.|
In short, it ain't perfect. It never was, it never will be. Pain and joy are equal partners and you must go into it with eyes wide open. If you don't, you will fall.
Posted by LibraLovePosted by venusianbull
Most excellent, for that was kindly meant lady. And heyyyy ho. Put it on paper and slip it into his lunch or leave it on his bed with a lovely flower. Might be the start of something big.
Posted by aquarius09
Great point! The problem is, when we're together it feels so good I forget about how alone I feel when we're apart.
No, he doesn't criticize me. And when we go out, we usually split the bill, even though I think it'd be better if we just took turns. For instance, I treat him one week; he the other. I really hate splitting the bill, though, so I just end up paying for the entire tab sometimes. I'm not trying to buy his love; even the gifts I give him are small trinkets. I do the same for my friends. I get them inexpensive, small things that mean something significant.
I appreciate the advice, though!
|I think everyone has made valid points so far. Of course this is just an advice section though. I know a relationship is always under construction and will never be perfect but without you bringing up your feelings on the matter, how are you supposed to know how the two of you are faring? Definitely talk to him. From the info you provided I personally don't see a positive outlook but I have heard little to none of his side.|
A relationship-building activity can be anything that empowers one or the other or both parties through attacking or accomplishing said activity. Let's say you play guitar and he doesn't, but has expressed an interest in learning. Give him lessons. Let's say he's great at video games and you're not. Get on there a few times and take a crack at it. Maybe the both of you suck at dancing, set up appts for couples dance classes. See where I'm going with this?
Posted by venusianbull
Even though I've never been in a real relationship, I've always acknowledged they took work and compromise. But perhaps I underestimated how much. Perhaps one day I'll be as insightful as you haha.
Posted by OP3CRIMSIN
I think part of the reason I am afraid to address the issue is because, like you mentioned, a positive outlook seems nigh.The latest thing to have made me weary is I found out he has been talking to his ex girlfriend again. This alone doesn't concern me since I'm still friends with my ex, but what is troubling is he made such a big deal of telling me that once he's done with someone, he's done! That an ex is an ex for a reason and he has nothing to say to them, blah, blah, blah. I just feel so insecure and stupid at the moment.
Well, he's taught me to play several instruments, and since I'm Iranian, he wanted to learn more about my culture, so I've taught him some Farsi and taken him out to try Persian food.