I met my boyfriend in February - in the beginning he did all the chasing, he was constantly telling me he’d never felt this way about anyone and we had the perfect relationship.
He is still married (but separated for over 2 years) and has 2 children. I met his kids after a couple of months, they were fantastic and we still have a great relationship now. His ex has been fantastic too, I’ve never actually met her, but she has text me a few times to thank me for how I’ve been with the kids.
Mike (my ex) told me that his wife and him, had been in a rut for the last 5 years of there relationship. They weren’t in love but stayed together for the kids. They slept in separate rooms, spent a lot of time apart and argued a lot. They were never right for each other as their personalities clashed. She is materialistic, he is adventurous. When he met me he said all his dream came true, I was the girl he’d always wanted to end up with, we share so many similar interests, I’m great with his kids, kind, thoughtful, and we have great sexual chemistry.
He also told me that he did suffer a lot after the breakdown of his marriage, he had counselling and was in a dark place. He re-assured me though that his struggles were to do with missing his children and not feeling like a proper dad as he had to live separately from them.
I met Mike’s family and they all told me the same thing about how he’s struggled with the situation with the kids. They all thanked me for putting a smile back on his face.
I was on holiday when I realised I was in love with Mike, I missed him so much and even though it had only been 3/4 months was over the moon when I got back and he asked if he could move in with me. At the time my room mate was moving out, and Mike's contract on his flat was coming to an end. I needed someone else to move in to help with the rent, but I was worried that the only reason Mike was saying it was to help me out as I had been panicking about it. He re-assured me that this was not the case and that he saw a future with me, so didn’t want to wait another 12 months to move in together. We told the kids, they were so happy and Mike's ex was really pleased too.
He moved in whilst I was on another holiday, I’d made a special effort to leave housewarming cards and gift for him and the 2 children, so they felt welcome. He said it was things like this that made him love me so much.
Over the past month, Mike has been distant with me. He has communicated a few times that he didn’t feel like things were working, and I’ve done the typical crying and begging him to give things another go on 2 occasions.
I caught him once speaking to my friend about his ex, he referred to her as ‘my wife’, this bothered me as, although she technically is his wife, they are separated and I felt like it was a bit disrespectful. I communicated this to him and he couldn’t see my point of view, in the end we decided to agree to disagree, after I asked him whether he still had feelings for her and he said no.
I then looked through his phone. I went back 5 years and read all the texts between him and his ex. He was telling the truth, there was no love in that relationship, he never sent her anything like he did me and there wasn’t even kisses on the end of messages, it was volitile. This set my mind at rest.
Then on a recent trip together, we went to a festival, were having a great time, then all of a sudden, Mike started crying at a song, when I questioned him on this he got angry, but eventually told me that it reminded him of his old family life. We split up that night, then the next day he’d lost his passport, so was upset, I changed my flight to stay with him as he was worrying about everything, he was so thankful and kissed me, we were back together and had the best 2 extra days on holiday.
When we got back, I realised that Mike was losing attraction and that I had to give him space. He asked me if I would give me a lift to meet his friend for a drink, I said yes and when he got back made an effort to ask him how his night was and say’ “I’m pleased you had a good night, you should go out with him more often’. I could sense thought that things were still not great. I went to bed and thought about what I could do. Mike had promised me he would take me away for my birthday in October. I knew his friends were all planning a lads trip though and that Mike couldn’t take anymore time off work. I got out of bed and went and sat with him in the living room. I mentioned the trips, and said, “Mike I know things haven’t been the best lately, and I know you’re having a hard time at work too, I was thinking about our holiday and wondered whether we should book to do it early next year instead, I think going on the trip with your friends would benefit you and would like you to do that’. He said are you sure, I said yes and kissed him then went back to bed feeling happy.
The next day he said we need to talk, he dumped me, with no explanation just that he wasn’t attracted to me anymore. I cried a little, but didn’t ask him to reconsider. He said he was sorry and that he would be taking the kids away the following week to visit his family. It was the hardest week of my life. I didn’t contact him once. I did text his son on his birthday to say happy birthday and tell him I’d got a present, He replied and said thank you.
When he got back he text me to say he was back at the apartment and that he hoped I’d had a great week. I replied with just ‘OK'.
Since then things have been awkward, he spends a lot of time in his room. I’ve been civil but haven’t made conversation with him. I’ve made sure to go out and try and live my life (make him see the girl he fell for in the beginning). He has done a few things, that have made me think theres still hope:
1. He saved a score sheet from our first date (golfing) and had it stuck on the fridge, along with the postcards I’d sent him, a photo of him and his kids and a picture his niece had drawn for me. I noticed one day that he’d removed them, so I looked in the bin, they weren’t there. I then snooped in his room. He had kept them in his bedside table. I don’t understand why he would keep the score sheet etc if he had no feelings.
2. I have been updating my FB story (Mike doesn’t really understand FB so won’t know that I can see when he views it), he doesn’t usually go on FB, but he has been watching my story everyday. It has mostly been photos of walks in the countryside and food (2 of our passions)
3. He caught up with me on my walk to work the other day, and asked me how my family was how work was etc, then said we should start walking to work together again.
4. His ex has offered to move out of the house they share together and move in with her BF, so he can move out of my apartment and live back in the house until it sells. He said no (but this could also be because of the memories in that house)
But also things that have made me think there is no change of us getting back together:
1. He hasn’t seemed at all bothered at me going out and looks unhappy whenever in the flat
2. I told him that my friend Ed (that I went on 2 dates with before I met Mike) is looking for somewhere to live and would take over Mike’s tenancy if he subsidised the rent by £100 for the next 10 months. He agreed to do this without hesitation, and even started looking for a new flat. I explained to Mike that it wasn’t what I want, as Ed is not the type of person I’d want to live with and is not respectful or tidy etc, but the still wanted to do this. He did change his mind in the end (because he spoke to his daughter about it and she said I don’t think it’s fair on her and we should wait and things will get less awkward and you can be friends). I could still tell however that deep down this is what he would prefer.
3. He has been like a different person the past month, sometimes cruel and not the loving, kind man I fell in love with
His kids are devastated about our breakup and have been upset. They have spent 3 nights at the flat this week and have both said to their mum that it has been awkward, but that I have made a lot of effort to still make them welcome and tried to act normal with Mike in front of them, but their Dad has been staying in his room a lot. His daughter told me this.
This week is my 3rd week of trying to be as silence as possible with him. The only time I have tried to speak to him, is in front of his children as I want the living environment to still be a nice place for them, but even then it has just been things like “Oh Mike I’ve transferred you some bills money”, “Do you mind if I shut the balcony door” etc etc and I have tried not to spend too much time with them in the living room, just enough so they know I’m not in anyway mad at the children.
Yesterday was particularly difficult to not speak as his daughter confided in me about being bullied at school, she had pretended to be ill to have time off and asked me not to tell her dad. I persuaded her that her dad did need to know and we told him together, however his only response was brief. Simply he said not to worry and that she should go to school tomorrow, he then left me alone to speak to her about it. He thanked me this morning for everything I did last night.
I'm libra and he's Aquarius. What are everyone's thoughts on this? Do aqua men usually change their mind? Everyone of my friends are so shocked because he seemed so in love with me. Is there anything I can do to try and meant the relationship?