Marriage

Hi gems... i have a situation. I've been seeing an aqua guy on and off for 4 years. Of course I love him deeply and he is one of the few people I really can connect to. I'm almost 29, with almost all my friends being married, having kids or at least p
Hi gems... i have a situation. I've been seeing an aqua guy on and off for 4 years. Of course I love him deeply and he is one of the few people I really can connect to.

I'm almost 29, with almost all my friends being married, having kids or at least planning the future with their significant other... all except me. Truth is, my aqua on and off bf is separated but not divorced with an aqua lady. They have a kid. I started seeing him 3 years after they separated so to be clear, I am not the reason why they split up.

With everyone asking me when I'm gonna settledown, I opened up the topic with my aqua man. He said he never wanted to have more kids and doesnt want to get married ever because he thinks marriage is crap since his parents were divorced and he is separated. On the contrary, i was brought up with loving parents who are still together til now and I have a brother and sister. I have always imagined myself to have my own family. I am so confused and so stressed right now because Of several reasons:
-I feel left out because all of my friends lives seem so on track and put together getting married, having kids etc. while here I am, unsure of what life has in store for me.
-He is not sure about me. In almost 4 years.... he still wont choose me over himself, my needs before his...
-I dont know what I want.. do i leave? Do I sacrifice the family life to be with a man who cannot even choose me?

As I type this, I'm really crying now. I'm so sad and depressed and confused. Its a very tricky situation. Its the same as the one who broke my heart before this aqua guy. I dont know if its me or if its just timing... or luck. Why cant they choose me? Sorry for venting out but I live alone and as I said, my friends lives are so put together and I dont want to embarass myself by talking to them about this. I did it once and my aqua bestfriend told me "why do you always date guys who never wanna marry you?" And it hurt me really bad because i dont understand whats wrong.... obviously we dont talk about this on the first date. How am i supposed to know? Sometimes I wish I'm a man. I can call all the shots about marriage and sleeping with people... i'm just so upset and I'm sorry if this might be annoying to some people... i just need to let it all out...
57 years old female
Cancer Moon in 12th house trines Neptune
Posted by Geminiforever23

Sometimes I wish I'm a man. I can call all the shots about marriage and sleeping with people...






Your problem is right there ^^

You obviously are waiting for a man to make your life happen for you .. you are waiting for his approval of you to give you value.


and with that mindset, you will find yourself in the same boat time and again ... because it's up to YOU to decide your worth.
๐Ÿ’€ Sun opp Pluto in n -0ยฐ31s orbs away. ๐Ÿ’€
First of, treetrunk those people telling you of when you are settle down or following the society norm of all those marriage bullcrap. They shoudln't stick their nose under your business of when to have the marriage or babies. It's not up to them of your choices. They choose to have a path of marriage, family, etc. and you have your own choices of what to do. (Sorry need to vent that down of how irks those kind of people with control issues)

Plus, never look others of their own achieved, focus on yours and by only since their path are different from yours.

Beside, that Aqua guy has different experience and moralties in which it's also his choice not to have it. You should move on since his choice is not to have it and find a guy who has a same loving family as yours. Why wait when he decided not to?
Posted by P-Angel
Posted by Geminiforever23

Sometimes I wish I'm a man. I can call all the shots about marriage and sleeping with people...






Your problem is right there ^^

You obviously are waiting for a man to make your life happen for you .. you are waiting for his approval of you to give you value.


and with that mindset, you will find yourself in the same boat time and again ... because it's up to YOU to decide your worth.
click to expand


Is that why? I wasnt raised to rely on a man. What I was trying to say is.. i have to wait for a man to porpose to me. I cannot propose to a man. And this one... well he is never gonna propose. Im sorry... my thoughts are everywhere...
Posted by Nevermore
First of, treetrunk those people telling you of when you are settle down or following the society norm of all those marriage bullcrap. They shoudln't stick their nose under your business of when to have the marriage or babies. It's not up to them of your choices. They choose to have a path of marriage, family, etc. and you have your own choices of what to do. (Sorry need to vent that down of how irks those kind of people with control issues)

Plus, never look others of their own achieved, focus on yours and by only since their path are different from yours.

Beside, that Aqua guy has different experience and moralties in which it's also his choice not to have it. You should move on since his choice is not to have it and find a guy who has a same loving family as yours. Why wait when he decided not to?


Its just really sad. I love him. I was offering a family he never had... i would grab any opportunity in this life or in any other lifetime to have a family as great as mine. I probably just cannot understand why someone would not want it... i practically used up 2 boxes of tissue now.
female
Posted by Geminiforever23
Hi gems... i have a situation. I've been seeing an aqua guy on and off for 4 years. Of course I love him deeply and he is one of the few people I really can connect to.

I'm almost 29, with almost all my friends being married, having kids or at least planning the future with their significant other... all except me. Truth is, my aqua on and off bf is separated but not divorced with an aqua lady. They have a kid. I started seeing him 3 years after they separated so to be clear, I am not the reason why they split up.

With everyone asking me when I'm gonna settledown, I opened up the topic with my aqua man. He said he never wanted to have more kids and doesnt want to get married ever because he thinks marriage is crap since his parents were divorced and he is separated. On the contrary, i was brought up with loving parents who are still together til now and I have a brother and sister. I have always imagined myself to have my own family. I am so confused and so stressed right now because Of several reasons:
-I feel left out because all of my friends lives seem so on track and put together getting married, having kids etc. while here I am, unsure of what life has in store for me.
-He is not sure about me. In almost 4 years.... he still wont choose me over himself, my needs before his...
-I dont know what I want.. do i leave? Do I sacrifice the family life to be with a man who cannot even choose me?

As I type this, I'm really crying now. I'm so sad and depressed and confused. Its a very tricky situation. Its the same as the one who broke my heart before this aqua guy. I dont know if its me or if its just timing... or luck. Why cant they choose me? Sorry for venting out but I live alone and as I said, my friends lives are so put together and I dont want to embarass myself by talking to them about this. I did it once and my aqua bestfriend told me "why do you always date guys who never wanna marry you?" And it hurt me really bad because i dont understand whats wrong.... obviously we dont talk about this on the first date. How am i supposed to know? Sometimes I wish I'm a man. I can call all the shots about marriage and sleeping with people... i'm just so upset and I'm sorry if this might be annoying to some people... i just need to let it all out...


You tell him exactly what you said here. It's been quite a few years now and I don't see him budging unless you make it clear what you want out of the relationship. In order to get what you want in life you need to convey those needs and if that person isn't receptive to it, you know what to do, unless you want to hang around and hope for the best?
@aquapiscescusp I tried to explain it to him in many ways. Like literally going from logical to emotional. I answered all his questions about it like its a job interview ( oh my god i'm like crying noisily now remembering how I basically battled my eay to prove my point to him why its a great long-term idea ). And he is still not sure.... ((
"Double Pisces, double delight. Sag rising VIA MIA
Posted by Geminiforever23
-

.... he still wont choose me over himself, my needs before his...



LOL. Who does that, really?!

He didn't have the decency to file for divorce, I mean choosing you over his ex wife, your needs before hers...the woman he does not want to share his life with anymore.

He officially belongs to his wife. This is not something you should have put up with for 4 years!




"Double Pisces, double delight. Sag rising VIA MIA
Posted by Geminiforever23
obviously we dont talk about this on the first date. How am i supposed to know?..


What do you mean? Isn't it the very first question you ask on a date...if he is single or not?

Separated=married. end of the story. You should have left the date with a smile: "Call me again when you are divorced"
Posted by Undine
Posted by Geminiforever23
-

.... he still wont choose me over himself, my needs before his...



LOL. Who does that, really?!

He didn't have the decency to file for divorce, I mean choosing you over his ex wife, your needs before hers...the woman he does not want to share his life with anymore.

He officially belongs to his wife. This is not something you should have put up with for 4 years!




click to expand


Exactly what I said to him. Before, he told me he would get divorced when his kid is older like what his dad did. His dad divorced his mom when he was 18 and was married but with another woman for 7 years before the divorce happened. I said to him.. if he can just give me at least one of the things that will make me happy. His choices are:
- get divorced (doesnt matter if he marries me or not)
- get divorced and marry me
- give me a child

I do get the feeling that I basically do not own anything in the relationship you know. It hurts but its the truth.
Posted by Undine
Posted by Geminiforever23
obviously we dont talk about this on the first date. How am i supposed to know?..


What do you mean? Isn't it the very first question you ask on a date...if he is single or not?

Separated=married. end of the story. You should have left the date with a smile: "Call me again when you are divorced"
click to expand


When we started dating, he said he wanted a family of his own... in the course of the relationship and we became more serious, it changed...
"Double Pisces, double delight. Sag rising VIA MIA
The second question is finding out his values. One of them refers to marriage.

"Do you wish to remarry?"
Woman, you sound awesome and this dude just doesnt know what will slip through his fingers if he doesnt act according to what is expected by you from him.

Not even talking about societal norms here which are grossly irelevant to the subject when you know what time of your life is.

Also, those put out lives of your friends, its not just fun and games and perfect pics on FB. But still, if you want, you want and you take the worse moments which arent immortalized on FB as a package deal.

Sit him.down, tell him what you need from him then give him a week or two to dwell over that. No sex, no lovey dovey sms, nada......make him see what will happen if his ego gets in the way too much.
He will make concessions if he loves you, if not, trtrk it, dodged a bullet.

Good luck!

Edit: when you sit him down dont play the ultimatum game, his freedom needs and rebel streak will kick in, rather, knock on his concience a bit, how you rly want a kid with the man you love that it is your life goal and that tou want to achieve it with him, that you think he is perfect for it etc etc...
Marionette Doll
Find you a man who wants the same things you do.

This is all the advice you need honey
Marionette Doll
Of course, you should talk to him.. understand that what he is saying is based on his current bitter emotions of marrying the wrong person..

Who knows, maybe he'll change his mind in time. If you want to take that chance to wait with him, then you'll need to discuss it first so you don't waste your time.

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