Posted by jeanePosted by Centaur12Posted by jeanePosted by Centaur12Posted by sweethearts
The answer is right there... are you thinking about what you are reading? SMH 🤦🏼♀️ jeane’s post highlighted your exact situation. You are the one trying to change her in paragraph 2 and she is the manipulator!
Yeah but how do I sort this shit I just want to be happy with her and she says the same lol but then acts stupid.
either you both come together to talk about your issues, how you both feel, how you trigger each other and then come up with a plan with how to deal with things in the future, and then follow through with that plan.
if she is unlikely to change then you have three options
a) do the work on yourself and learn to accept her reactions
b) stay in the relationship, learn nothing about each other or yourself and continue the cycle with things getting steadily worse resulting in resentment, anger, dysfunction. saying she acts stupid is a good start down that road
c) leave and hope that the next one is better or face the same issues again because you've failed to do any work on yourself.
Ok so I just spoke to her.......
I said I do not want to go over things with you or bring them up again but I would like to know can you see a future with me and is this what you want and be honest.
She said yes she does.
I said in that case we need to talk not now but when we have 5 minuets and we are alone.
I said you need to tell me how I make you feel the things I do wrong to piss you off and I will also tell you what you do wrong as well.
Her response to that was why are you bringing things up again.
I said I just told you I'm not interested in going over things I just want to stop any future aggravation between us and for us to understand each other better so there is no issues and we can straighten it all out.
So not right now but when we have time alone I would like you to tell me the things that I do wrong for you and I will explain the things I feel you do wrong as well.
Could I be any fairer than this?
She said ok but not in an enthusiastic way and that she's not really seeming interested or wanting to.
I know why because she said to me she is feeling drained from it but so am I this is why I am trying to sort it once and for all.
i think a conversation is the best way forward. now that you are going to talk let my golden rule guide you
"seek first to understand, then be understood"
if you go into this genuinely curious to understand her point of view FIRST then there is a good chance you can work through it.
you can't say that she acts stupid - because you are trying to understand her perspective right?
you can't assume things about how she feels.
any question you ask must be made to genuinely hear the answer. take the time to listen to what she is saying. don't immediately react with a "yeah but". to her, even if you disagree, this is how she feels.
if need be, repeat to her what you think she said. not in an incredulous way but again in a honest and heartfelt attempt to really understand her perspective and how she feels when she storms out.
don't go in thinking you are going to force on her your feelings at any cost or that you are just waiting her out until you can have your say. the outcome is not to win the conversation but to come to an understanding of where the other is coming from. you are fighting the problem, not each other.
lastly, go in with "i" statements not "you" statements.
eg "i feel stupid/incompetant/lost/confused when xyz happens"
NOT "you are irrational/stupid/selfish/a bitch"click to expand