Posted by Nefer
As a Pisces, I'm almost predestined to be the Lover... and in my youth, I was. Fruitlessly, in vain, painfully. I loved and loved, and they took and took until I was drained and empty. I built a shell.. walls & layers for protection. I hid my sensitive nature & my deepest emotions under a carefully constructed outer shell of nonchalance, of independence, of go-then-I-don't-need-you-anyway. It was a fragile strength at best, which often crumbled helplessly when I was alone where no one could see. But I became The Loved, always. I would not say I LOVE YOU first, never first. Always TOO. (The first time, anyway - within a relationship, I could initiate love & say it first sometimes, but it always made me feel desperately vulnerable & scared. But I always wanted to be The Lover again; it's my very nature. But somehow I could not. I don't mean to say that I did not love - I did, I do. But I was always in control, and never let them see too far underneath, where my dark secret was buried. I've existed like this for years; it only became worse when my husband died - never a bigger Lover than he has lived, never a more Loved than I was by him. And in my fumbling relationships and attempts since then... things never worked out - and someone new would ask why, saying that I was so wonderful and amazing in so many ways, how could anyone ever cheat on me or leave me? Well, they can. When they are the Lover too long, and their Loved cannot openly reciprocate. I told everyone who ever asked the truth - they left because they could not get close to me, I could not/would not let them in. They didn't believe me - I'm so open, so honest, like an open book. But they too learned... I am an ocean.. and you can see the surface for miles around. Just below the surface sometimes too.. but past that, it gets too deep.
This I think sums up why alot of us that have been in relationships that have failed go from being the LOVER to the LOVED...
I know I'm still stuck in the being too scared stage to take any risks and have succeeded in pushing people away. But I wonder that should the person be "the one" closest to my perfect one, that my mindset will change...and i may want to risk and take on the role as the LOVER once again or will i freeze up and wait for him to take that role so that I will feel secure and always be the LOVED?
