Unbeknowmst to me, he snooped on me for a long time, since we began dating (maybe before, who knows). Knew that I had casually hooked up with a guy just prior to us officially dating (never states exclusive, but over time implied). I also nonchalantly spoke with guys with whom I had no attraction during the 2 years we were together (Venus Gemini). I sought attention from what I saw as harmless places when I didn't think i was getting the attention I deserved from CancerDude... Which is an ironic cycle BC he would shut me out when he snooped something new, and I sought attention when he shut me out.
I had devoted myself to him. But because I was never upfront abt the side chats I had. Or the prior dating hookup. And when he tried to confront me abt it (which for him meant saying "is there anything you want to tell me?" ... Giving the rope to hang myself on), I couldn't give straightforward answers. Which I now realize is because when I do something that I am ashamed of or want to forget, I push it out of my memory. Things that mean something to me, my memory is great... If I don't want to remember, I block it out.
So after almost 2years if me not ponying up details that I mistakenly and confusingly thought didn't matter...because all the while he would say it doesn't matter what I do or who i talk to because he knows I'm his and that I love him... And after me lashing out when pushed and pushed to admit things that i couldnt remember or absolutely didn't so, or answers questions that had to be answered in a specific way or in a certain amt of time.... He's given me the boot. If course, I feel its all my fault and I'm internalizing it. I'm emotionally stunted and immature. And I feel lost.
Side note: august last year he met a girl at a party, during a time when we were having a rough communication and apparently one of the times he "found" stuff out. It was a very bad time and really the beginning of the end. He carried on the friendship for months and didn't tell me, until she was having personal family problems and finally deemed me worthy of being involved (which I "ruined" because I questioned who she was). They would hang out, during times when he would.disappear for hours which wasn't the norm for him. And he'd lie about it. He'd been to her house, done things with her he used to so with me, and if I confronted him abt it, he flipped it on me and in a way said well this is what you did to me so its justified