@blessyou, I think you might find this book helpful. Author is Daniel Bergner. Here's a review from the book:
I borrowed this book from the library hoping to learn something useful about women's sexual desires, and I believe I have.
Society teaches men two contradictory ideas about what women want in men. One side says women want gentlemen who treat them with respect, listen empathetically to her thoughts and feelings, are good friends with them, etc. The other side says that's all lies; what women really want is a man who is controlling, emotionally distant, and only really interested in her physically. Then the first side counters that women who want what the second side says they want are psychologically flawed or emotionally wounded, and best avoided.
Young men listen to both sides, wonder which side is right, then pick a side and wonder if they chose right.
After reading this book, now I understand that both sides are right. If the scientists who's work is described in this book are correct, normal women have a fascinating sexual duality that can be baffling not only for men but for women too. Normal women desire both types of men, at different times. For me it was an eye-opener.
When a woman who has a wonderful husband who treats her with respect etc. etc loses interest in him sexually though she still loves him dearly, while longing for the sexual attention of a distant, controlling man who is only really interested in her body -- going way beyond just periodical boredom with relationship routine -- it doesn't mean something is wrong with her. It means she's a sexually NORMAL woman.
The task for men, then, is to somehow help her with both sides of her sexual duality. Of course no one man can really be both; it doesn't make sense, even if he's a great actor. But the "bad boy" side can be addressed in sexual fantasy. After all, if you've been together for years, she's probably already fantasizing about such bad boys during sex anyway. She probably doesn't want to talk about it; she may feel ashamed about having such desires, or worried that you'll feel rejected for not being that type of man, or worried that you'll take it too literally or take it outside the bedroom, or maybe she just represses the whole thing right after sex each time.
Of course it's no surprise that some women (along with some men too) fantasize about being dominated or ravished. What's surprising is that it isn't just a titillating novelty fantasy that can be enjoyed or ignored at will. Rather, this research appears to clearly indicate that a NORMAL woman in a HEALTHY long-term heterosexual relationship often (or usually, or almost always) NEEDS to fantasize about being taken forcefully by a dominant, emotionally distant man, preferably one she doesn't know well or at all, to be sexually aroused and reach orgasm.