This message board is awesome!!! I thank everyone for such intellectual feedback. I've given much thought to everthing that was said, and I am happy to say that I have been keeping my caps at arms length. By doing so, I've been able to see things much clearer, as well as, regain control over my feelings and emotions for him. Now, don't get me wrong, I still am crazy for him, just at a different tone because I am in a marriage. I have decided to handle what is wrong with my marriage first, and if it can't be fixed, I am going to resolve it. Most times we all know exactly what needs to be done but we are better receptive of getting opinions from strangers. Someone from another thread gave me the best food for thought. I am afraid of my marriage failing. My families expectations of me are so high, till one of the reason's why I've remained in this marriage is not wanting to be seen as a failure. This year I would like to try and do things differently, not carelessly, but doing what make me truly happy, for me. And if this caps somehow ends up in my life, I'll deal with it then. If it's meant for us, it damn sure doesn't need my help. I just didn't want to make the same mistake of not telling him how I felt about him. Regrets in life can eat away at you more than making mistakes. Talk to ya later, DXP fam.
Arent we all blinded by lust and desire for the want of a better life even when we are first dating someone...eventually our rose coloured glasses are removed to reveal the true person at hand...just as a girl shows only her finest qualities in the beginning of any relationship.
The long-term love affair that maybe only through internet/texting or forbidden because other parties are involved offer nothing more than excitement from the boredom of everyday lives...the dangers appear when we try to make them into reality, fooling ourselves that it's the Happy ever after fairytale ending!
problem is, every little girl that grew up with these stories of happily ever after are in search of it...even after they have in fact found it originally...it then becomes mundane and so we start to look again....vicious circle
The main difference here that stands out in my mind is that the lady in OP only seems to be stricken with this mad love for CapMan now, while for those years he was just a memory of fondness, adoration .... infatuation.
Whereas with FC's mother ...... her mad love for the man was lifelong.
"Virgo Ferghus Clydelover. Ferghus is a Keltic name meaning a vi
male from Indiana, USA
It's not unusual, it's actually quite common.
My mom (RIP) had an emotional affair with a co-worker in the 1970's. My mom and this guy were both married to other people too. I think they kissed but nothing beyond that... then he moved out of state and they lost touch. She pined for him the rest of her life. She divorced in 1974 and never remarried or became involved in another relationship. He remained married. Then his wife died... and somehow he found my mom, sometime in the late 1990's... they started writing and she was so happy. She was sure that they were going to get together and everything was going to be wonderful etc... until they actually met... after all those years.... and... what a let down. In real life... she did not like him the way she had in the past... she said she he'd changed a LOT... for the worse. Not physically she said... just had gotten crabbier, very negative, grumpy... stuff like that... and she knew it wouldn't work... she broke off communication with him and that was that. She died a few years later. Pretty sad 'eh? But that's a common occurrence when people meet and fantasize about each other be it online, or through a penpal relationship... You will never really know that other person until you spend time getting to know each other one on one... in person... in real life.
"I am in an unusual situation and I have not a clue what to do."
You're not in an unusual situation .. and every woman has not a clue what to do about it. You aren't alone in this plight. What you are going through is what every woman goes through everyday of her life.
You aren't emotionally attached to a partner ........ and this leaves you confused on how to proceed in life. Yet, at the same time, you KNOW full well that the only way to be certain in life, is by having a partner completely and utterly tied to you, in knowing exactly about your emotional sensitivities and in providing you with a safe haven for these feelings.
yes, yes .... this is every woman ... your situation is common for all females.
What to do?
The secret isn't in finding another person to carry your feelings for you .. for they cannot, and you only set yourself up to continue being weak ..
"i always let family tell me that I have a great ......."
That's ^^^^^^ weakness, that's being a coward. Sorry to offend you, but, that is what it is.
You have thus far allowed other people to tell you what makes you happy, or what should make you happy and you abide by it .... even now, you let this man think for your happiness for you. Why you are afraid, I've no clue .... but, the fear is clearly present in your description of your life.
If you let yourself cling to this CapMan because you are feeling alone in your emotional security to feel happiness ... then the only thing you accomplish is setting yourself up to emotionally dependent upon another .... like you have with your family to whom you say tells you what makes your life for you.
The answer: Find life without a human other than yourself ... and when the times comes that you know without a doubt that you can carry yourself, only then let another person in ... because then you will know that you love him/her for real, and not because you need carrying.
I realize that you said you haven't treetrunked him yet ... but, you will.
Something else here you must consider ............ this CapMan is moving in on another man's territory.
CapMan lacks respect, he will charm another man's woman ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
"I mean years ago, but i always let family tell me that I have a great life and husband. I just valued being married, and family more than doing what was right for him and myself."
You are making excuses here. One side of your mouth says family made you do it .. while the other says you are the one who valued the path of your life decisions.
You are wrapping a fantasy around your head, you are telling yourself that being with him from jump, rather than your family was the right thing to do and that living your life the past 15 years was the wrong thing.
^^^^^ that is what this means ... "more than doing what was right for him and myself." < if that is correct, then your life of 15 years is wrong.
I'm uncertain why people thin like you do .. and certainly, my Virgo husband would also think the same .... for a life with a partner to end, doesn't equal failure .. it equals a life experience.
You have this same outlook ..... only one can right. **sighs**
A man is not permitted to secretly adore another man's wife for 15 years, Cara ... and then begin to charm this woman out from under him when he senses the marriage is in peril.
This CapMan is a tosser, not a keeper for that ^^^^^^^^^ lack of integrity, alone ... but, because you are trying to exit your marriage, and know not how to emotionally survive without a safety net to catch you .. you've tricked yourself into thinking he is there for you.
So many things to say here, I don't even know where to begin ...... so, I'll start with the most important.
"My husband and I started growing apart years ago."
****** you are now pursuing love interest because of a marriage breaking, and not because of actual feelings for this CapMan. I'm not saying you don't feel for him, I'm saying the broken marriage is the ONLY reason WHY you are now considering rushing towards a person who shows a glimmer of interest in you.
This isn't a new story, this is something we hear everyday in here .. a guy shows a woman a smidgeon of emotions, and she drops her entire life in hopes that it means love.
For the fact remains true, because it was true 15 years ago and the marriage has lasted because of it .......... if you and hubby had not grown apart, then you wouldn't even be here = fact.
"I never persued the other guy because he always pretend not to like me. Well, well. You know how boyish you men folk can be. Now 20 years later, I find the one guy that I have always adored was digging on me the whole time. WTF!!!"
******* he's a dude, which equals .. always horny.
There's no better piece of ass than one that is married ... because then there are no strings attached, or at least strings that can bind.
I have no clue about your statement of how boyish men folk can be when it pertains to pretending not to like a girl. Yes, I know about this when we are talking about 14 year olds.
Here's likely the bottom line .......... he didn't pretend not to have feelings for you all this time .. he is pretending to have feelings for you now so you will take your clothes off. You are married, and willing .... you are a perfect score.
And furthermore, if you indeed really was intended to be with him, then you would have 15 years ago. Just now, he is your crutch, your excuse you give yourself, so you can face your life.
Zodiac in degrees 0.00 Placidus Orb:0 Sun Gemini 12.14
female from Wisconsin, USA
I got married at 19 too, so i understand that, and after more of an explaination it didn't sound as bad as my father UGH midlife crisis or something.
If you guys were crumbling prior to the Other Guy, i still think being that you're married, it's kinda like the horse leading the cart. lol You have to do what makes you happy. i wonder how people years ago survived together for 50 years? I know my marriage only lasted 7 years, so i understand being in something that doesn't make you happy. But if you are respecting marriage, wouldn't you leave him first, then pursue the other man? Especially since you said he was good to you? Are you going to devestate your husband for leaving him for another man? That's foul kinda? i don't mean to be harsh about it, but if you aren't happy, you leave, then you persue. Otherwise, you are cheating hun. Is that what you want to do to the man that has been good to you for 15 years? Just food for thought while you're trying to figure out what to do. I firmly beleive if you don't handle it the 'right way' then it will come back to you and what you want to work out won't. if you take the time you need to finish the one relationship, then move on to the other,there's no harm no foul. If you are worried about the other man waiting, then it isn't what you think. if it is what you think it is, he will wait. he will do what's right.
Again, food for thought, not attacking or judging. I do wish you luck and hope you make the best decision for you!
@ Baby Girl, I value commitment very much. I believe that is why we made it for so long. Even if this old flame never came back into my life, I still had these feelings for some time. I mean years ago, but i always let family tell me that I have a great life and husband. I just valued being married, and family more than doing what was right for him and myself. Continuing to stay into something because of anything other than happiness is wrong. I think you will always regret the other person. I'm not going to just up and leave my marriage without considering every obstacle. My husband has been very good to me.