*DISCLAIMER DONT JUDGE ME BECAUSE IT'S LATE, I'M EMOTIONAL, AND I HAVE TO GET MY FEELINGS OUT SOMEHOW SO WHY NOT PUT DXP TO GOOD USE. also sadly, this is slightly abridged too so...I'm sorry* - no replies are necessary, but if you'd like to feel free. I'v
*DISCLAIMER DONT JUDGE ME BECAUSE IT'S LATE, I'M EMOTIONAL, AND I HAVE TO GET MY FEELINGS OUT SOMEHOW SO WHY NOT PUT DXP TO GOOD USE. also sadly, this is slightly abridged too so...I'm sorry* - no replies are necessary, but if you'd like to feel free. I've missed some of you anyways.
I remember the first time I saw you, and it felt as though the world was spinning. I couldn't believe someone like you existed within my reach. We came from worlds apart, but somehow I felt very connected to you as though I knew you in my mind... I notice all the small things, but as you were speaking I felt excited and moved by your thoughts and words and I completed your sentence at the same time you did with the same word. I wouldn't call that fate, but I would say we were on a similar mental wavelength. I have never forgotten, and I will never forget even if you potentially already have.
I loved your wit, intellect, personality, goals, talents, appearance, softness, interests, determination, focus, resilience, growth orientation, and more. I thought we were making headway, but it was me who unintentionally destroyed everything we worked up to build. You were going slow with me, but due to my past I did not contact you for over 20 days because I didn't want to feel like a bother. I wanted you to contact me first out of my fear of seeming too clingy to you and therefore you rejecting my approach. I will never forget how you told me you could tell I really missed you sarcastically. I hurt you, and then you wanted to hurt me. I worked so hard to show you I wanted to fix the pain that I inflicted, but it didn't matter. My open affection arrived too late. You had made up your mind, and there was nothing I could do about it even though I continued to try in vain.
The beginnings of the pain I had brought upon myself started to commence. When you finally asked to see me again, I gave into something I hadn't before. I therefore transformed myself into an object instead of a person that you once valued. Another mistake, but I didn't foresee it to be of any major concern because I thought I had cleared the air between us. Little did I know I would later be told I was nobody you could grow with...that it was what it was and I needed to move accordingly. Despite those statements, I forgave you...or I moved forward with forgiveness. Therefore, the pain never stopped. You were honest with me, but I couldn't accept that I ruined something that at first was very pure and beautiful. I continued to hurt myself still trying to prove that I was serious...but you lost interest in any seriousness involving me. It was a pain I tried to numb by getting involved with another person simultaneously. I never made this known to you, but I know you were doing the same. You would post photos of other women. I would confront you, and you would tell me that we weren't and would never be in a relationship and that I could be angry and quit talking to you if I wanted to but I had no right to talk to you about it. You were right, and I'm sorry. Still, I forgave you...and the cycle continued.
You went to visit family 2000 miles away...you became more loving towards me. I felt ecstatic. This was before your flight. You landed 3 hours later and told me that we were getting too close and that you needed to distance yourself. More pain. Why couldn't I salvage my distance and coldness in the beginning by fixing it later?
I later went to visit that area of where you "visited" a month or two later simply because it's a beautiful area but I also had the opportunity to meet The Weeknd live (aka my ultimate celebrity crush). You found out I was there and then told me that you had moved there. We hung out for three days straight and you stayed with me in my hotel. I was on Cloud 9... There could be no greater experience. Nothing went wrong...no fights, no coldness...just what I wish was "love." Maybe it was love, but I have never experienced pure and true love so as of now, I do not know. However, it was a magical weekend. You showed me your favorite places, and we explored a different city the next day, only to experience your favorite places again the next before I took you home. The following would be quite melodramatic for you, but it was true for me. I got back to my hotel, and I felt as though my soul split in two without you there...knowing you would never be there the way that you were for the past 2-3 days. My heart cried, I cried. We had ordered room service that morning, and I picked up the tray with two plates, two cups and another fruit plate on it. I'm small so this was quite heavy. I was still crying, and as I tried to balance the tray while opening the door it slid and one of the glass cups fell off and shattered. I remember sitting there crying as I picked up the shattered glass. This is something I will never tell you, and it has taken me two years to even tell my closest friend about it. I thought I would never hear from you again, but I did.
Something has always kept us interconnected, and I'm not sure why. I have an infinite amount of forgiveness towards you, which is typically not something I usually contain...at least for such a lengthy period of time and repeated incidents. For me it is unconditional affection...love even. For you... I will never know your true thoughts, but through analysis...I would say that despite some of what I have said or even done...you have had unconditional forgiveness and care towards me. Though I have destroyed what could have been...you still keep me in your life even for conversation. I feel as though you are not the type to do that with just anyone. I appreciate it even if it's not in the manner I would want.
You recently have moved back to the Chicagoland area. You let me know. You finally changed your number and also let me know. About a month ago you asked if we could meet and just get something to eat...I agreed. The place closed and we continued to talk in your car. You always have much to say, and I love to listen. Everything you say, I soak in and appreciate. You are full of knowledge that you may not know I secretly admire. You have always told me that you think I'm smart...I wonder if you know how smart I believe you to be. We sat there for hours just talking. Then I went home. You didn't ask for me to come over, which was typically the trend. I felt less desirable but maybe that wasn't the case. I will always value you as a person no matter what the manner is, because I can never hold animosity towards you.
Fast forward to last weekend. I thought for sure you were no longer interested since you didn't invite me over, so I had already closed my mind and moved forward past that. However, you finally contacted me and invited me over. You finally got your own place. I told you I was proud of you and I am. It was beautiful. Our time together again was magical...at least in my head it was. I will always remember how once I arrived we planned to go out, and you said you really didn't want to spend too much money and how you felt that you were letting me down. Just know, you never let me down just for the mere fact that you still teach me and expand my mind with every encounter. Your presence in my life will always be enough...even if it's not what I deeply desire. I'm on a fool's errand, and I do not care. I always try to tell myself that there must be something you feel too. I was starving when I got to your new place, and though a sushi place closed in 9 minutes nearby, you made the call and ordered it for takeout, sped us there, and bought the food for me. Thank you. Just that in itself made me feel special even if I'm not to you.
I love your passion to follow your dreams, and I love your dreams. I hope even if I'm not someone you see as someone who will help you grow that I will be someone who is valued for being encouraging and non-judgmental. It has been a long almost 5 years since the first time we met, and I will continue to love you until the end of time...even if I am not allowed to express it to you. Thank you for being in my life, and I am still sorry for hurting you so deeply in the past. I never knew it would be something so detrimental to the future. I have felt your pain through the pain you have inflicted upon me. I'll never be sure why you come back. I'll never be sure why I go back. I have been hurt before...from a relationship of 3 years where I suffered multiple betrayals and pains. I always forgave him too...and he actually had to be the one to end it with me. I suffered then...but I was never able to forgive him again after that. You have ended things with me but still linger even after saying you are done, and for some unknown reason I am still able to forgive. Maybe it's because we both share similar desires for writing and creating our own music, for loving books and our endless thirst for knowledge, for our interest in darkness as well as light, and more. Though you grew up in the city, and I did not...and though we have very different backgrounds, many things align in a way that don't with most. At least for me. Maybe that's why I can never let you go.
I felt as though it could not have been an accident for us to meet. The circumstances in which we met were extremely unlikely to typically occur, but we did meet. I will forever be grateful for that despite the emotional turmoil I have experienced. I used to want to believe you were my twin flame. Maybe you are...maybe you're not. Regardless, it doesn't matter. If you were or weren't I would feel the same. I will love you til the end of time, and you will never know it. I will love you til the end of time even if you will never be able to love me back.
Maybe you come back because your 0 degree Scorpio moon is conjunct my Venus, Jupiter and Ascendant. You always come back with newfound tenderness...I'll never understand why.
Now that the torches and camp fire roars after being well lit, I sit in my chair at a distance.
There on a log close by in front of the burning logs, you sit. Talking and laughing with the others.
Your light so much bright then the fires I lit.
by Leslea Newman (Holyoke, MA)
Mirrors are covered
Wooden benches are set out
Have a good mourning
Where’s the coffee pot?
I ask my father, who knows
my mother would know
Welcome. Please come in.
Sit anywhere. Except there!
I am next to you with your fingers in twinned with mine.
My head rests against yours and our hearts beat in rhyme.
I turn to you and look into your eyes.
My love for you reflected back to me in your eyes.
I smile and you smile back