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    Joined dxpnet on June 07, 2018.
    What am I feeling?

    I'm not sure, I knew he was gone. I waited 5 months to see if he would come for me and he didnt so I knew. Even before then I knew. We had faded! I could feel it.

    Some where along the line we had loved each other. He never made it clear and neither did I, but i know that at some point we did- truly.....i felt it. Words weren't needed.

    I was moving on- I had gotten myself past the pain. Suffered in silence and I was starting not to think of him every minute of the day on repeat. The emotional tie was breaking. But- ... I had to know, i had to know for sure.

    I figured i would hear it in his voice, i figured he would make an excuse not to see me, i figured he would out right reject me with no reason....leaving me with no closure. Like he unknowingly had done already.

    I never thought he would say wat he said. Never!!!!!
    I felt relieved, I felt sad, and panicked, and hurt!!!!! Becuz with just a few words he had brought all my "wat ifs" to an end.
    It felt good, I felt free....and yet I felt this giant hole appear in my chest. Am I bitter?

    I wanted a chance. A real one. But i knew that i would never give him one becuz hes waited so long. So why?.. ..I think I just wanted to know he wanted me, and that I wasnt the only one who had regrets, or thought we could have went another way.

    I loved him. Not becuz of anything he did (he did nothing to earn it) not becuz of who he was ( I never took the time to learn him) but becuz of how I felt around him. My natural response to him, he brought out things in me that I...cant say I've ever felt before..is that love?

    Not just sexual, tho sex was the only way i felt comfortable expressing my feelings to him. His energy was to strong, he made me feel weak... and I lost my voice whenever I would try to speak. So I said nothing. When I wanted to know what we were doing. I said nothing.
    When I knew my feelings were getting to strong and I couldn't hold them in a second longer? I vanished- hoped and prayed he would come and find me
    But he didnt. My love was on its own... I loved alone.

    So how do I feel now....free, lost, regretfuland completely free. But I know that that's not all my fault. There was two of us. And maybe just maybe...I was actually feeling wat I was feeling ... all alone.
    So I cant really regret any of wat I didnt do. I loved him purely, with no expectations and without the need to confined him. ..I loved him...and now it's time to put that away.

    I wanna cry, but I cant....becuz i never knew if he ever truly loved me. If we lost our love together...I would cry

    But becuz I dont think I will ever truly know for sure, it feels like my tears are just stuck in place. Almost falling