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    Joined dxpnet on September 18, 2016.
    Posted by TheCanBull
    I have not said really exactly what is going on so here it is.

    Ok, so i live with my parents, i don't like it here, i feel oppressed in a passive way.
    I get anxiety to do things or go out, which is against my normal personality.
    I have no true bond with my family.
    My brother also lives here ( i will type about my brother separately)

    My father is the main carer for my disabled mum, he's not suited to the task but he does what he can. Will get mad when things don't go his way, verbally loud and angry.

    When i was in the Army i used to come and see my mum on leave this was before i got the news of her getting Cancer.

    My mum and dad have always been untidy people and the house is just ughh...
    I tidied and cleaned for them top to bottom because i cared about them when i came on leave, and i was showing my love in that way, more so for my mother.

    Things went south when i was in the Army after hearing she got Cancer, AWOL 3 months military jail, given honorable discharge.
    Dad helped me get home via train and the only roof over my head... my mum and dads place.

    I met my first GF in 2010 the same year i left Army, and my mum went into hospital for being ill, whilst there suffered from 2 strokes and major bleeding in her head which left her disabled.

    Now i sunk everything into my GF the emotion, the pain, the good, and the bad, and so did she as we shared hard pasts.. amazing bond, soul mates.
    She was ill terminally and i knew that shortly after getting close to her & i went the journey with her for 3 years. She passes away in late 2013.

    I told my dad she has died, nothing from him, no help nothing, no sign of remorse... left to myself to deal with this and i did in my own way.

    Locked myself away for a month and dealt with my own emotions mentally.. cried myself to sleep... yada yada.

    Work

    I have tried to keep jobs throughout this time, all being warehouse work due to how easy to get into it is and i'm physically robust which actually does not work well for me, i lose interest fast, i'm a hard worker and i can do more than my fair share.. it just rots me to the core to do the work, it's against me.

    I suffer from this type of work too physically, it's not that demanding, but i'm 6 foot and 180 pounds, i'm not that light and my feet can't take standing on hard concrete for 6+ hours a day.

    I did 11 hour shifts at one point to earn my way i lasted 3 months there, and never had problems with my feet oddly.

    I started another warehouse job and 2 weeks in i needed to be off sick because my feet have swollen and i cannot put any weight on my feet at all, can't even walk to the damn toilet.. basically bed ridden.

    I'm a former Soldier and in all my life i have never felt so much pain physically.

    Now going back to after my first GF passed. In 2014 i created my FB account and got in contact with my foster parent, all my friends and my few friends i have met being here, not spoke since i left care in 2008 with anyone.. everyone is massively happy to hear from me, some in tears of joy.. overwhelming.

    In 2014 i meet another female another Scorpio, she could see i'm hurting, and i was showing that i don't want to go home which is here... so she asked me to come round to hers because we were friends and i said yeah ok i would like that, and hang out with her.

    First time she mentions would you like to stay the night as friends.. i said yeah ok we had great fun and we both have a silly sense of humor.

    So well we had to share the bed since there is no spare... and well there was an odd thing in the air and well i don't know this odd innocent attraction going on lol.

    Her moving as if to say say something or do something and me giggling and talking random shit..

    I came out with do you want to have sex? she says yeah... so that happened.. and we got very close from there. Her mum knew nothing of it... then suddenly i get asked if i want to move in.. i will have to pay my way for being here etc i said yeah ok cool.

    I said to her we need to tell your mum you know? she said she is too shy and can't do it, so i went and did it.. her mum said she knew anyway being a Taurus.. but ok.

    Anyway this relationship lasted a year and degraded over that time, we started arguing and it ended on bad terms.

    I come back here.


    Now a separate topic is my brother.

    My brother is an Aquarius aged 27 a year older than i, has slight autism.. bad hygiene.

    Whilst my ship has sunken i am attempting to help him, motivate him to tidy his room and help him with it, but he gives up straight away.

    I will be graphic and in detail about his hygiene.

    He is morbidly obese and barely exercises.

    He will eat too much and end up puking, and everytime he does it goes everywhere in the bathroom, he will attempt to clean it up but leave some behind...

    He has a bath and everytime there is shit left in the bath tub??? i don't know what he does in there but it's disgusting.

    Condoms.. he has some sexual fetish obviously.. he's a virgin never had a GF... but i find condom wrappers in the bathroom even leaves the condom on the floor, he goes by all of this oblivious... nothing there, it's like embarrassment does not exist.

    He never washes his clothes he stinks... he does not wipe his ass after going to the toilet.. he's disgusting.

    I am embarrassed by my family yet i am still here and trying.. i don't fucking know why i do it.

    My brother and father went up the shop once and well i did too and this female was giving them shit.. we went home, but i came back out and confronted her, i said get your father out here right now as i'm, going to smash his fucking head in, i also rang the police which was odd, my Cancer sun does not like confrontation, yet my Bull mars will destroy you... so it's an internal battle going on.

    It took a while for her father to come as she cried down the phone to him, and when he did arrive he was with his son, him possibly around the age of 20 no idea.

    I had calmed down a bit by this point and i could think logically.

    I just said you need to sort your daughter out her mouth is atrocious.
    And i stood back as in to say i'm not combative right now as i respect it's his family.
    He has a go at his daughter, then leaves with his son..

    Police arrive ready for a riot.. i went straight to the guys and said a bit of an overreaction is it not?
    According to them it sounded like a riot was kicking off.. apparently that was me.

    I gave my details in case i needed to be contacted, and i went home.

    Ever since that female has never been spotted around the shops ever again.

    I will stand up for my family and no one will ever hurt them or i will deal with them, yet i don't understand why i do this? it seems hard wired.

    I visited my foster carer earlier this year as i was on the verge of a breakdown, and i posted publicly on FB, i wished people could see how i feel inside, and not the outer shell of me.
    My carer is a Cancer female.. so i guess she caught on very fast.

    Had a weekend with her and her man, was great, i had a smile on my face the entire weekend.
    She says the worst thing you could have ever done was go home, and i agreed with her, she says move over here and i will help you, i can't keep you, so you need your own place, and she says she loves me.
    Says i am part of her family... inside i just want to hug her but she's not that kind of Cancer and i sit there and take it all in.

    She took me with her and her man to Blackpool, we went to her mothers hotel, and we had a night out watching a comedy show, she bought me drinks, and i had a great time.

    That weekend i also shared things she never knew about me, like the times when i was at school etc.. and that i would go to the end of the Earth for her, she means the world to me.
    She put herself down about something and it was due to all the bad kids she had, i mean these ones almost destroyed her, but i said remember though you bought up a soldier... not many can say that.

    We got more closer than ever before.

    Anyway after this weekend, i start looking for work... warehouse work.. same old story, fucks my feet up.

    I got in touch with an agency and i had to share my details with them, i shared the info of being in the Army as a previous employment, they immediately directed me to the British Legion as i am classed as a Veteran.

    They are now helping me to move and get a job in the place i told i would like to move to which is where my carer lives, i have many friends and people i call family.

    I am still feeling like shit though, that weekend helped me in a lot of ways but it don't last, and i fucking hate my Taurus placements as they slow me down, plus the mental effect this place has on me does not help.

    Not sure what to type now so i will end it there.



    From one cancer man from a wild family to another. The only way to can help everyone out and be everyone's rock. Take care of you first. You come first man. You can't give what you don't have. That means going on your own path to becoming a better you. Get into personal development, start healing that body and heart. Learn to trust that they can care for themselves. They are adults. You didn't come into this world to enslave yourself to those you love. The more you give and give, the bigger the resentment will build. And you will get bitter. And for lack of a better term. You will be but a shell of a man.

    I used to be the rock of my family too. But you gotta realize you are your own man. You got to live for you first. We already had a martyr in Jesus, we don't another one.