Thank you for your time and input. I’ve been so up and down the past few days going back and forth emotionally.
I should clarify, yes, I can give back to an extent, but I have never fired off a personal shot the way he did the other day. This is what I would consider a first / last time event. And do you know what I actually did that fired him up so badly? I wouldn’t listen to his bs for once. And I called him out. And I would not bend. I truly did not do that much wrong this time. If calling someone out for running their mouths before they actually listened, then I am guilty and I have been properly slammed.
As much as I love this man, I need to love myself more. When not messed up in this kind of stuff I’m fairly logical and the advice I’m being given is pretty in line with what I would say to someone.
Since this incident happened on Wednesday of last week, there has been zero contact from either party. Usually it’s me that bends and apologizes, but for my own need for self preservation, not this time. What he said was just a direct brutal blow to my ego and it made me doubt everything he’s ever said to me. I’m sorry, but no matter how much someone makes you mad, you just shouldn’t say things that cannot be taken back. I can spit venom, but I’m not going to say something that will have someone questioning every word that came out of my mouth.
The point I’m at currently is that I’ve chosen to move forward, but I think what is really going on in my head that made me post this, is I think I’m seeking my own closure. I know to not expect that from him. The whole thing went down in a phone call and from the looks of it, it is just over now. So I think this is essentially what I’m after. So yes, in a sense you did give me an answer. I wanted to know if he’s capable of feeling sorry. He crushed me. It was a sudden ending and I’m left exposed trying to sort it out for myself.
Everything that you both have said makes perfect sense to my logical side, and would be the exact same thing I would tell a friend.
This all came crashing down on Wednesday of last week, and there has been zero contact ever since. For me personally, because enough was enough. Him and I are both over the age of 40 and I’m absolutely refuse to play high school make up - break up. Yes. He hurt me, badly, and that is what I tell myself over and over when I go to stop myself from contacting him. I refuse to beg him to take back what he said about me. I refuse to gain acceptance this way and I refuse to drag an apology out of him for this.
I have been through some nasty breakups and at the very least I know that no contact is to be implemented from day 1. I am a firm believer in cooling off and self evaluation. In the circumstance with my ex husband, cooling off had to occur, because we do have kids. And no contact is just not reasonable in the long run.
This guy and I, we have nothing tying us together. So unless we want to have a coming to Jesus sit down moment, which I doubt, I’m not going to look like I cannot handle a breakup.
I have gone back to my techniques I learned in my divorce. I’m journaling to help sort my feelings out, and I’ve spent a lot of time in reflection. I make sure that I do my best to put all of my thoughts down so I can isolate the issues I need to deal with. Me, I will be okay. I just need time.
I have been thinking throughout my morning, what did he do and how did he get away with the manipulation for so long? That’s what I’ve been asking myself. It was so easy to figure out that he did it in small, almost undetected doses for the longest time. It truly is a marvel of manipulation when I look back at it all now.
Him and I got together as my long drawn out divorce was wrapping up. I was already on the path to healing, and I know the exact things that drew him to me, ended up being the things he tried to change in me. My ex husband was a master liar, manipulative, cheating jerk that was a drunk with recreational drug habits he thought he kept hidden. I suffered some serious damage from all those years together. The divorce itself was a two year process that was dragged out by his needs to control everything. I was in therapy for almost the moment we separated until a year into my new relationship, about 3.5 years. I gained so much knowledge and strength from it.
So I’m guessing my bf knew to not try to mess with my head in such an overt style , because I wouldn’t stand for it if I could see it. Of course his ex warned me, but you are exactly right, a vindictive ex and her warnings should be noted, but it’s never gospel. My ex husband called me a crazy ex because I wanted child support. I don’t think that makes me a crazy ex. So I did my very best from inserting myself in the commotion with his ex. Marriage is tricky and when it ends, it’s difficult to navigate. And unlike his ex, I kept myself from giving warnings to my ex husbands new lady.
My bf and I actually started out as an arrangement between two adults to satisfy our needs. And it worked, until feelings were caught. I’m telling myself now that I’m glad they were mutual, because who knows how I would have handled it had they not. We never lived together, and we both were burned from our previous relationships that we were okay with seeing each other several times a week, but maintaining our space as individuals. Up until now, I thought we had handled it all like two healthy, well adjusted adults.
I see now that he didn’t trust me implicitly as I had him. That’s why he objected to me going out with friends without him. And that’s why he would voice his insecurities over me talking to other guys. It was because he used his vulnerability when talking to me, that I didn’t see the control and the manipulation.
I guess I’m just dealing with a breakup and in search of my own closure in this. I know better than to expect it from him. I need to do it alone to turn the page. And only I can find it. I am just kinda reeling from it just coming to an abrupt end, during a fight on the phone. I guess I figured when this day came, it would end as maturely as I perceived the relationship to be.
I completely get what you’re saying here. That was kinda the angle I was looking for, how he functions. I am huge with free will.
I don’t need to voice to him that I’ve been hurt far too many times. We haven’t spoken since that conversation and I’m not seeking out an apology. No matter where either of us fall in the zodiac, we are both grown people, and I’m sure he knows how bad this was, which is why he’s remained silent. And I’m not begging for an apology. Free will is exactly what will make him reach out. And in all reality, I’m not sitting around waiting for it. I just wanted to know if he’s capable of feeling bad.
There is mutual fault here. I have no problem owning my part in this. I’m no angel. That being said, the insults have never attacked me on the level of how I look. That’s where this went. This was truly a first and last time. I won’t subject myself to it beyond that. If I were to post about all of the ups and downs of our relationship, you would see I own up to plenty of my mistakes. I intend on learning from my own.
I think your explanation of him being more airy and me more emotional is exactly on and partially the angle I was looking for. Almost a definition or understanding. And your remarks about our fights being battles of wills and clashes of perspectives is beyond objective.
I just wanted to know if his placement of his signs makes him capable of at least feeling bad, even if I don’t hear an apology, I don’t expect to hear one, and I won’t chase for one. I think I just want to know is he capable of feeling the pain on some level that he’s left me here holding.
I’m going to be ok with time. I know it’s toxic and not for me. My use of the word narcissist could be a word used out of being hurt or upset, but based on how the last several months have been, I think it’s a possibility. I know the woman before me also used this word to describe him. What can I say, he’s one hell of a lover, she contacted me out of jealousy or rage a long time ago and this was a word used about him. Knowing from seeing plenty of other people with narcissistic tendencies, I know they never feel they are to be blamed and I don’t think they hurt. Which led me to this post.
Thank you all. You all have pretty much confirmed what I’ve already figured out. I think I was looking for a reason to not let go, “just in case”. It’s been a rocky path lately. And it hasn’t been easy for either one of us, and it’s taken it’s toll.
I have learned from other breakups that it’s time I turn to myself now and focus on me and do what I need to do in order to heal. Self reflection is a huge part. I think I was just looking to the zodiac in the hopes of something being there that I can’t see.
By no means am I innocent. I know I have a role in this. I can fling an insult just as good. I try not to, I try to always keep in mind you can’t take something back once it’s been said. And the worst part about this all is that this all went down because I called him out on his actions and words. So the last fight and communication on the books between him and I went from him telling me in so many words he didn’t like how I was speaking in that moment, him calling me a bi***. Me not standing for it this time. I’m always apologizing, even when I didn’t do anything. I was generally fed up with him never owning anything and this time I stood up for myself. He didn’t like it, and he went in for the kill shot and insulted my personal looks. It’s never come to this. I felt like the wind was knocked out of me. I asked him if the convo was over and if I could just hang up. He said “see ya”. And that was it.
I’m just sitting here reflecting and going over my part in the relationship, and how in a million years I could not let someone think horribly about themselves and leave it be. Not like he is with me. So I guess I’m trying to see if he’s sorry or if he will swallow his stubborn pride and apologize.
For years he has told me I was beautiful. On days when I was feeling off or tired or whatever, he would tell me I looked perfect. Yes. He took out my ego. And he used other things that had stressed me out and turned it on me and flung it making me feel like he’s lied to me for all these years.
Toxic relationship for sure, and I know this. And I know it’s time to let go and move forward. I will not stand for that kind of insult. I have taken far too much from him, and this was a step too far. I don’t think I will ever get an apology from him, I just wanted to know if he was capable of feeling bad.
I’m a Leo, he’s a Taurus. Yes, I know, bad mix, wish I had known that before I got involved 4 years ago.
This past week, in a firestorm of insults on both sides, our crumbling relationship came to it’s projected demise. I have read up on every possible topic for the Leo / Taurus dynamic, and it’s all very much exactly as it all reads. This time the no contact has reached a record breaking 4 days and counting.
I have looked back on past arguments and things were always smoothed over when I apologized, only this time, I’m not bending, he insulted me with the worst possible comment I have ever heard stumble out of his mouth. I have a pretty decent way of thinking, and I believe in, you don’t destroy and annihilate the ones you love. It was one thing to tell me when I was being a witch or something that rhymes with it, but to insult me on a personal level the way he did is unforgivable.
This relationship was the most gratifying and toxic relationship I have ever experienced. We loved hard, and we hate hard. It was this relationship that made me see the truely thin line between love and hate. Honestly, if you were to ask me what I’m going to miss the most I will tell you the incredible hugs that he gives and the mind blowing sex. I’m not young, so I know the passion that was in this relationship is rare.
That being said, of course I am in severe mourning, but I don’t think I want it back. What I want to know is, is this narcissistic man capable of feeling loss, or experiencing the hurt even close to the level I am?
He’s a Taurus on the Gemini cusp and I’m a Leo on the Cancer cusp. It’s this crazy combination that I can’t seem to look up and find answers for. I guess with these two cusp combos, I would like to figure out if this is worth fighting for or just moving forward? But more than anything I just want to know, how can he hurt me and say such hurtful things and not even flinch. I want to know is he capable of hurting, does he feel regret?
I know his Taurus mindset won’t do too well with no contact once he realizes I’m not going to contact him first. He hurt me really bad and I know that it’s most likely time to move on, but just in case those cusp bdays make this a dynamic that is truly special.