Four neighboring signs in four different elements...That's Me...
Leo Sun, Virgo Moon, Cancer Merc, Libra Venus, Capricorn Mars, Aries Asc.

Posted by Gob_buttere
In theory, it should be impossible to use a username, on dxp, twice. However, if you open both accounts and move back and forth, between the tabs, the fonts in 'classmate' shift, leading me to conclude that the imposter has substituted the 'l' for another character (possibly an uppercase 'i').


Right it's a lower case "i"

https://www.dxpnet.com/users/ciassmate/

VS

https://www.dxpnet.com/users/classmate/
Posted by coffeetime
Posted by Chuckcem
Posted by sultrykitty
I used to be rabidly jealous. Rabidly. Now it doesn't bother me at all. If a girl is flirting with my guy, he has absolutely no freakin clue that she is. If she gets more aggressive, I know he'd put a stop to it.

If he doesn't then he's free to go with her, and I'll hold the door open for him. Then change the locks. No man is worth fighting over.

It could be that since we've been together for so long that I'm very comfortable and confident about his level of commitment. I can't say for sure that if the relationship was still relatively new I wouldn't be more possessive.


Yeah I was definitely more jealous when I was MUCH younger. I think it's one of those weird traits a Leo can grow out of though. For me if I need to be jealous, then I don't need to be with that person. In fact I use jealousy as a potential litmus test for myself. If I ever have to feel jealous, something is wrong and I should go.


What would the reasoning be in your mind? This is something I need to learn, and would like to know how.
click to expand


My rationale is if I'm jealous one of two things is happening:

1. The woman is trying to make me jealous, which means she isn't good for me and I need to end things.
OR
2. I'm insecure and can't be with this woman because I'm too emotionally weak and need to end things.

Regardless I see jealousy as a crack in the relationship on either her end or my own.
It's possible, but not definite. Depends on how much the drinking partner actually drinks. Also depends on how understanding each person is of the other. As long as their is mutual respect and no issues, it's not a problem.
First, please use paragraphs. People tend to give up when there's a large block of text.

Second, this isn't really an astrology issue. The issue is you've slowly turned her off by being emotionally weak. The problem is you haven't been treating her properly. When you're with a woman, the courtship NEVER ends. Just because she's with you, doesn't mean you can become complacent. You should be taking her out and making sure she feels loved. Ignoring her to play video games is a rookie mistake.

"But around January-February, our relationship started to stale. She got employed at the start of March so she got busy, and as if in perfect cue, Venus retrograde happened. She said she that she fell out of love. "

Know that her attraction for you has been dropping for a while. Her getting a new job possibly added to the distance she already felt with you., but it wasn't the issue. The problem was you weren't paying attention to her. So she broke up with you.

Remember that women are more in touch with their emotions. So trying to change her mind about the break up is actually a losing strategy. Why? When you try to convince a woman to change her mind, it shows you don't understand how she FEELS. By tying to rationalize her emotions away you fail to get down to the core issue. The issue is you haven't been treating her like a woman.

"I tried to talked to her after we broke up a few times, but she said that she's not changing her mind. As if to make matters worse, I told our org mates that we've broken up, probably because I was desperate and wasn't thinking straight at that time, which really irritated her a lot. Then she decided that she wanted to forget me and entertained a few suitors."

So then you proceeded to chase her, which only turned her off more. When someone dumps you, chasing only makes you look worse because it only helps to validate the dumper's decision. Women want a man who is internally secure. Chasing someone who has cast you aside, does not make you appear confident in yourself. Additionally, you talked about the situation with your friends, which obviously got back to her. Women like guys who don't kiss and tell. If your dirty laundry is getting aired out in public, it will make her feel uncomvortable about you. So she started looking for more confident, internally secure men.

"At this point, I stopped contacting her. I still wanted her back, but I realized there are many things that I have to change about myself especially my attitude. After a week of not communicating with her, she sent me a chat and we were talking like before. I didn't initiate any form of contact with her for 2weeks. But we chat like dear old friends whenever we do."

So you did the right thing by stopping your pursuit and dropping contact. This gave your girlfriend space to miss you. Once she missed you, she contacted you. However instead of being direct with and asking her out (which as a man is YOUR JOB) you went out to meet her as friends. If you're looking to re-attract her, you should set a definite date with only her. Instead you went out with friends....as friends...which is a quick route to the "friend zone".

"One night, we hang out over drinks with 2 of our friends. At first we were doing ok. She was even touching me here and there. But I had a mood swing because I though she was just using me as an emotional support. She asked if I wanted to talk, but I declined because I was kinda drunk that time. But once home, we did chat about what's wrong. At first she doesn't want to give me another chance. Because she's not sure she would be able to prioritize the relationship and she's confused and such. She admitted about entertaining other guys, but still felt empty with them."

You could tell something was off with her and she could tell something was off with you. You were hoping to get things back to "normal" but instead of being calm and flirty, you became drunk and impatient. Obviously she could tell something wrong. When you finally opened up to her, she said that she was confused. She's confused because you're all over the board. First you ignore her (complacent), then you pursue her (needy), then you stop contacting her (confident), then you get overly emotional (weak). You need to hold it together.

This probably would have been the nail in the coffin, but you had one last trump card, your other ex. This might seem like a risky tidbit, but the reality is no one wants to be replaced. Your girlfriend probably got a twinge of jealousy and a glimpse of the possibility that she might lose you to another woman. So she agreed to give you another shot.

"Now, when we're together, it's like we're back together even if it's not official. But when we're apart, she gets kind of distant. Even our friends are confused about what our status really is. I can't help but feel a bit paranoid whenever she's not replying. "

Stop telling your friends everything that's going on between you two. It's only going to complicate your situation. Also you need to stop over pursuing this woman. You need to give her the space to come to you. My recommendation is to wait for her to respond back to you (even if it takes hours, days, etc). When she does respond, ask her out on a date. Set a definite place and time, then get off the phone and wait for the date. Give this woman enough space to miss you. Right now you are being needy and overwhelming her with communication. You aren't portraying emotional strength.

"So to take my mind off from overthinking and being paranoid, I decided to write letters for her again. Do you think I'm doing anything too overbearing? Any more tips to help winning her back?"

Don't write her letters. What will this do? She's already sending you delayed responses. Sending MORE communication to her is just pouring more salt on the wound. Just calm down and let this woman come to you. Let her CHOOSE to be around you. Right now you're trying to force things because you're afraid to lose her. She can sense this and it's turning her off (hence the delayed responses).

When you see her, focus on being charming and making her feel positive. Don't talk about drama or your past/present relationship issues (unless she brings them up). Have her associate positive feelings with you instead of negative ones. Do this to re-attract her and continue taking her out on dates. Lastly NEVER ignore your girlfriend again.
Nope, even in the fully nude "no touching" clubs a guy can still get touched. I've been propositioned before for a nominal fee and I don't even like strip clubs. I said "No" of course.
Posted by Miamia13
Posted by Chuckcem
New non-sex question:

Should I learn how to dry age my own steaks OR how to make my own sushi?


Sushi for sure. Imagine the presentation😍 Steak is great. But I think sushi is more creative.
click to expand


You do make a good point. I coooould also impress more ladies that way....but I could also impress myself with steak....and I LOVE ME....hmmmm

Let's be honest I'll probably wind up doing both. The real question is which will come first?

For sushi I need quality fish (easy to moderate), sharp cutlery (easy), sushi rice (easy to difficult), seaweed (easy), designated prep time/day (moderate) sushi making skill (devastatingly difficult). I can access all of the required items where I live and have a foodie friend who's done it. It wouldn't last long though since it's raw fish.

For dry aged steak I need a solid cut of beef (moderate), designated fridge space (moderate), a small fan (easy), a wire rack (easy), patience (moderate), steak cooking skill (eeeeasy). Accessing the materials isn't difficult, but I'd be a novice, so this would potentially be an expensive test run...the challenge excites me. I can keep it going for A WHILE too.
Posted by justagirl
Posted by Chuckcem
New non-sex question:

Should I learn how to dry age my own steaks OR how to make my own sushi?


Steaks!

click to expand


I'm reaaaally considering converting one my fridges into a "hot box" so I can make 30-40 day old steaks.
New non-sex question:

Should I learn how to dry age my own steaks OR how to make my own sushi?
Posted by sultrykitty
I used to be rabidly jealous. Rabidly. Now it doesn't bother me at all. If a girl is flirting with my guy, he has absolutely no freakin clue that she is. If she gets more aggressive, I know he'd put a stop to it.

If he doesn't then he's free to go with her, and I'll hold the door open for him. Then change the locks. No man is worth fighting over.

It could be that since we've been together for so long that I'm very comfortable and confident about his level of commitment. I can't say for sure that if the relationship was still relatively new I wouldn't be more possessive.


Yeah I was definitely more jealous when I was MUCH younger. I think it's one of those weird traits a Leo can grow out of though. For me if I need to be jealous, then I don't need to be with that person. In fact I use jealousy as a potential litmus test for myself. If I ever have to feel jealous, something is wrong and I should go.
Posted by Mandy27
Posted by Chuckcem
Posted by Impulsv
So your fine with fwb?
In that case he'll end it when it's too much for him


Right, either that or he'll get REALLY angry and explode.


I really doubt he would ever explode he's very quiet and calm when he's upset he actually doesn't like to show that he's angry that's his withdrawan moment.
click to expand


The quiet/calm guys can explode too. Since they don't do it often though, it may be far less controlled. I say this as a more reserved, collected guy myself.
Posted by Mandy27
Posted by Chuckcem
Posted by Mandy27
So I'm dating this guy and when we started dating we both agreed that it was okay to date others since we weren't looking for anything serious or complicated, we go out and hang out at his place and mine, we go have drinks, have breakfast lunch and dinner, go get coffee etc... we are very comfortable together we laugh and talk about everything, watch movies, were intimate, so far it's been great! Like the perfect friendship with feelings of course

BUT.. I notice that he's not direct with me at times, I've asked if we're good in the way we're dating and his replies aren't very helpful because he says he won't ever ask me to do anything and wants me to make all the choices. I try to be as open with him about myself and when I go out and he gets a little serious and at times he pulls away for a couple of days which is fine I give him all the time in the world to regroup himself, but why doesn't he open up instead of hold his emotions in??? Sometimes I feel as if he wants it to tell me something's but holds back and pulls away.

We tell each other that we love each other each time we're together but then again we're not a couple. I've asked if he's seeing other people and he's replied that he can barely handle me but I don't believe him for some reason because in the beginning we agreed to continue having our freedom aside from making time to spend time together.

So do you guys think he's okay and am I overthinking here ????


The reason this is all confusing is because you two have agreed to be indirect with your intentions toward each other. Either one of two things is happening: 1) He doesn't want anything more from you and feels uncomfortable confronting your emotions or 2) He does want something more and doesn't know how to tell you out of fear of losing what he currently has.

Also your terminology is off. Are you "dating" or are you "friends with benefits"? You keep using he word "friend" which can be the BIGGEST turn-off for a guy who might actually be interested in you. That word makes it seem like you're not really serious about this guy. So he's guarding his heart from you.

If I have a "friends with benefits" relationship with a woman, the LAST thing I'm going to do is risk losing my position by expressing my feelings to her. This guy probably doesn't want to sound clingy. So instead of opening up to you, he's chosen not to risk what he currently has with you. Why do you want to know how he feels? Do you want something more? If not, then leave it alone.

Frankly he should have been more direct with his intentions from the beginning. I personally will let a woman know that I'm eventually looking for a relationship, but am in no rush to lock her down. I want to get to know who she is first before I get serious. I'm also not the clingy type. That way she understands that I'm open to dating her seriously, but she's still free to do her own thing.

I'm assuming the only reason you want to know how he feels is because you want something more. You both need to be more direct with each other. Just know that it's unlikely that he'll confess first. Why? He's not dumb enough to risk losing his sex buddy. The last thing he's going to do is get stuck in the "friend zone" because he couldn't hold in his feelings. He is a guy after all.


Thank you for sharing your thoughts as a man.
I say he's my friend because yes even though we Love each other and we care about each other we're not in a committed relationship and we both know that since we agreed on that since day one.
I only brought up asking if he was happy with how we were because I noticed that he was starting to pull away each time he knew I went out as if it bothers him and he's typically never distant unless he's bothered.
Maybe I should just let him bring it up when he's ready.

click to expand


It's your call, but I actually suggest you bring it up first if you actually want something more. Men aren't always the best with our emotions. If there's an emotional block, which obviously there is, we're more likely to "man up" and repress it until either we find another outlet (which you don't want) OR it boils over and becomes too much for us. When that happens he may be rational or he may not. Since it's clear he's not the type to directly express his emotions, I'd imagine he can get irrationally upset when pressured. The result may be more dramatic than you'd expect.
Posted by pinkbird03
Posted by Chuckcem
Posted by pinkbird03
Posted by Chuckcem
This a pretty common issue, so don't feel like you're alone. You probably act differently around the guys you really like verses the ones you don't. Some women may become shy and impossible to read, while other women become SUPER clingy and emotional. Make a conscious effort to stop doing this and try to find the middle ground. Basically treat all guys the same until they show their true colors.

Also use dating to your advantage. It's a good way to qualify someone to see if they fit in your life. You should be "interviewing" the other person as much as they are interviewing you. You've met this guy online and have only seen him twice in person. There's still WAY more to uncover. Don't let your sudden infatuation block your rational thought process. You still barely know this human.

Also figure out exactly what your qualifiers are. What is it that you're looking for in a guy? Generally I find dating is much harder when people don't know exactly what they want. Also ask yourself why did he have to chase you to begin with if he is a good guy? How is it that guys who aren't interested in you blow you off, but guys who are interested in you get blown off? Could be you need to reevaluate how you respond to the guys who are actually interested in you. That being said though, your reaction sounds pretty common.

Devil's advocate: Be sure to see if this guy is the clingy type. It's interesting that this guy chased you having never met you in the flesh. This may seem sweet and charming at first, but this could also be an issue down the line.


Your post was well thought out! First of all, I hope he is the clingy type because I'm that way normally. I don't know why he chased me. Perhaps because I never acted interested, which I think he normally has girls chasing him because he is very very good looking and he a good job and a house. It says how much he makes online, which I'm sure that gets him attention from girls. I'm happy as long as a guy has a decent career. Like not McDonalds, but u know. i knew him from years ago and when he asked me if I wanted to meet up. I said, "possibly." He replied, "lol just possibly?" that was back on feb 24. Like really? Sounded like no girl has turned him down. I didn't mean for him to sound like a jerk. He's only been very kind with me.

So what I need?
Good communication, openness, trust, loyalty, similar values/beliefs, kind, loving, acceptance, patience, someone who lives near me, is independent, wants a serious relationship

What I want
Someone I'm attracted to, between 5'8 and 6'1, has a car, Catholic (he isn't, but I can't have everything), never married, doesn't have kids, doesn't smoke, loves animals (he supports animals in ways I didnt realize people actually did)

That's all I can think of for now.


When I say clingy, I dont mean lovey-dovey. I mean needy and controlling. I don't know too many women who actually want that trait in a guy.

It's possible that he chased because you were "different". Just be aware that's what players do too (not saying he's a player, but that is a tactic). Basically my point is be a bit more observant concerning what each of you brings to the table. Don't play hard to get, but don't fall head over heels either. Using the first month or so to see if this guy actually passes your litmus tests.

A lot of things you've mentioned under the "So what I need" list are characteristics you'll mostly only find out with time. Give yourself the time to explore this gusy's personality first.


What made u think he's needy and controlling? I personally don't think he's a player. I mean would he really waste the last two months trying to get to know me? Wouldn't he have moved on by now?

Going to take things slow. Medium interest. Keep my guard half up. Thank you for the advice!
click to expand


Oh I'm not saying that he is. However if he is the clingy type (which has yet to be seen), it could lead to that later. Clingy guys may become possessive, obsessive, jealous, needy, controlling, stalkers, etc, later in relationships. Just something to watch out for in general.

That's the fun thing about players (again, not saying he is one), time frame doesn't matter to them. A player doesn't mind being persistent because in their mind, it's all a numbers game. A few months isn't a long time at all, especially since they're not emotionally invested. Players know that sheer persistence is enough to work on some women. Players KNOW that women are taught men should chase them. Therefore most players will use this to their advantage. If a player is talking to multiple women, what does it matter if he spends a few months hooking yet another?

Good call, just be observant. If he strikes you as a genuine guy, then go for it. By giving yourself more time to process, you're also giving HIM more time to process. That way the emotions can grow between you, instead of being one sided.
Posted by pinkbird03
Posted by Chuckcem
This a pretty common issue, so don't feel like you're alone. You probably act differently around the guys you really like verses the ones you don't. Some women may become shy and impossible to read, while other women become SUPER clingy and emotional. Make a conscious effort to stop doing this and try to find the middle ground. Basically treat all guys the same until they show their true colors.

Also use dating to your advantage. It's a good way to qualify someone to see if they fit in your life. You should be "interviewing" the other person as much as they are interviewing you. You've met this guy online and have only seen him twice in person. There's still WAY more to uncover. Don't let your sudden infatuation block your rational thought process. You still barely know this human.

Also figure out exactly what your qualifiers are. What is it that you're looking for in a guy? Generally I find dating is much harder when people don't know exactly what they want. Also ask yourself why did he have to chase you to begin with if he is a good guy? How is it that guys who aren't interested in you blow you off, but guys who are interested in you get blown off? Could be you need to reevaluate how you respond to the guys who are actually interested in you. That being said though, your reaction sounds pretty common.

Devil's advocate: Be sure to see if this guy is the clingy type. It's interesting that this guy chased you having never met you in the flesh. This may seem sweet and charming at first, but this could also be an issue down the line.


Your post was well thought out! First of all, I hope he is the clingy type because I'm that way normally. I don't know why he chased me. Perhaps because I never acted interested, which I think he normally has girls chasing him because he is very very good looking and he a good job and a house. It says how much he makes online, which I'm sure that gets him attention from girls. I'm happy as long as a guy has a decent career. Like not McDonalds, but u know. i knew him from years ago and when he asked me if I wanted to meet up. I said, "possibly." He replied, "lol just possibly?" that was back on feb 24. Like really? Sounded like no girl has turned him down. I didn't mean for him to sound like a jerk. He's only been very kind with me.

So what I need?
Good communication, openness, trust, loyalty, similar values/beliefs, kind, loving, acceptance, patience, someone who lives near me, is independent, wants a serious relationship

What I want
Someone I'm attracted to, between 5'8 and 6'1, has a car, Catholic (he isn't, but I can't have everything), never married, doesn't have kids, doesn't smoke, loves animals (he supports animals in ways I didnt realize people actually did)

That's all I can think of for now.
click to expand


When I say clingy, I dont mean lovey-dovey. I mean needy and controlling. I don't know too many women who actually want that trait in a guy.

It's possible that he chased because you were "different". Just be aware that's what players do too (not saying he's a player, but that is a tactic). Basically my point is be a bit more observant concerning what each of you brings to the table. Don't play hard to get, but don't fall head over heels either. Using the first month or so to see if this guy actually passes your litmus tests.

A lot of things you've mentioned under the "So what I need" list are characteristics you'll mostly only find out with time. Give yourself the time to explore this gusy's personality first.
Posted by Impulsv
So your fine with fwb?
In that case he'll end it when it's too much for him


Right, either that or he'll get REALLY angry and explode.
Posted by Mandy27
So I'm dating this guy and when we started dating we both agreed that it was okay to date others since we weren't looking for anything serious or complicated, we go out and hang out at his place and mine, we go have drinks, have breakfast lunch and dinner, go get coffee etc... we are very comfortable together we laugh and talk about everything, watch movies, were intimate, so far it's been great! Like the perfect friendship with feelings of course

BUT.. I notice that he's not direct with me at times, I've asked if we're good in the way we're dating and his replies aren't very helpful because he says he won't ever ask me to do anything and wants me to make all the choices. I try to be as open with him about myself and when I go out and he gets a little serious and at times he pulls away for a couple of days which is fine I give him all the time in the world to regroup himself, but why doesn't he open up instead of hold his emotions in??? Sometimes I feel as if he wants it to tell me something's but holds back and pulls away.

We tell each other that we love each other each time we're together but then again we're not a couple. I've asked if he's seeing other people and he's replied that he can barely handle me but I don't believe him for some reason because in the beginning we agreed to continue having our freedom aside from making time to spend time together.

So do you guys think he's okay and am I overthinking here ????


The reason this is all confusing is because you two have agreed to be indirect with your intentions toward each other. Either one of two things is happening: 1) He doesn't want anything more from you and feels uncomfortable confronting your emotions or 2) He does want something more and doesn't know how to tell you out of fear of losing what he currently has.

Also your terminology is off. Are you "dating" or are you "friends with benefits"? You keep using he word "friend" which can be the BIGGEST turn-off for a guy who might actually be interested in you. That word makes it seem like you're not really serious about this guy. So he's guarding his heart from you.

If I have a "friends with benefits" relationship with a woman, the LAST thing I'm going to do is risk losing my position by expressing my feelings to her. This guy probably doesn't want to sound clingy. So instead of opening up to you, he's chosen not to risk what he currently has with you. Why do you want to know how he feels? Do you want something more? If not, then leave it alone.

Frankly he should have been more direct with his intentions from the beginning. I personally will let a woman know that I'm eventually looking for a relationship, but am in no rush to lock her down. I want to get to know who she is first before I get serious. I'm also not the clingy type. That way she understands that I'm open to dating her seriously, but she's still free to do her own thing.

I'm assuming the only reason you want to know how he feels is because you want something more. You both need to be more direct with each other. Just know that it's unlikely that he'll confess first. Why? He's not dumb enough to risk losing his sex buddy. The last thing he's going to do is get stuck in the "friend zone" because he couldn't hold in his feelings. He is a guy after all.
Posted by xXxQueenliciaXxX
This is why the "let's just be friends while treetrunking" thing rarely ever works out.


THANK YOU!
This a pretty common issue, so don't feel like you're alone. You probably act differently around the guys you really like verses the ones you don't. Some women may become shy and impossible to read, while other women become SUPER clingy and emotional. Make a conscious effort to stop doing this and try to find the middle ground. Basically treat all guys the same until they show their true colors.

Also use dating to your advantage. It's a good way to qualify someone to see if they fit in your life. You should be "interviewing" the other person as much as they are interviewing you. You've met this guy online and have only seen him twice in person. There's still WAY more to uncover. Don't let your sudden infatuation block your rational thought process. You still barely know this human.

Also figure out exactly what your qualifiers are. What is it that you're looking for in a guy? Generally I find dating is much harder when people don't know exactly what they want. Also ask yourself why did he have to chase you to begin with if he is a good guy? How is it that guys who aren't interested in you blow you off, but guys who are interested in you get blown off? Could be you need to reevaluate how you respond to the guys who are actually interested in you. That being said though, your reaction sounds pretty common.

Devil's advocate: Be sure to see if this guy is the clingy type. It's interesting that this guy chased you having never met you in the flesh. This may seem sweet and charming at first, but this could also be an issue down the line.
I actually consider it to be the adulterer themselves. The other man/woman could be considered a homewrecker if they a knowing participant in the affair. However if the man/woman is also being deceived, I wouldn't call them a homewrecker.
It depends. If I'm just getting to know a person and I'm aware there may be another guy in the picture, I don't let it ruffle my feathers. I give women the space to choose me. However this also means that I'll put in very little effort aside from flirting (which generally works in my favor). I learned in the 5th grade that if a girl needs me to compete with another guy, she has no clue what she wants and it's waste of my time.

Until I get serious with a woman, I'm cool if she she's dating other guys because I'm probably talking to other women. However if she expects me to become exclusive with her, I need to see that she's honest and loyal. So the likelihood that she'll be able to lock me down while seeing other guys is slim.

Instead it's better if there's a natural progression on both of our parts to focus on each other to the point that exclusivity becomes practically inevitable. If she is the type that needs to keep guys around up until the point of becoming exclusive, it just tells me she isn't confident in her feelings or mine.

Once I'm exclusive with a woman, I simply expect to receive the same respect that I give her. As long as there is trust between us, light flirting doesn't bother me so much. I also don't register light flirting as flirting since I'm an accidental flirt myself. Anything beyond that though and I'll probably be rubbed the wrong way. I'm not one to make a scene either (at least not immediately). I usually wait and give the woman enough rope to hang herself with first. If I get to the point that feel disrespected, I'll say something, but I probably won't be in a great mood. If it goes too far though, all bets are off.
Posted by AquariusBeauty
It's an impersonal way to communicate and some men don't like to communicate via text. Some prefer human interactions.

Or...
He's just not that into you


Correct. I also genuinely hate texting. Outside of asking a woman out on dates, or sending invites, I only use it to receive quick bursts of information. It's just an inefficient way to communicate otherwise.

I don't mind if a woman likes to text if I'm into her, but she just needs to understand that it's not my preferred method communicating. If the texts become too long, I'm either going to call her or ask her to tell me in person.