Posted by tiziani
Posted by happykitsune
Posted by tiziani
No experience on this myself. He probably did more damage by sending the 'self-conscious' text afterwards, I'm guessing. Anyone can forgive someone who's convinced.
When you say "anyone can forgive someoone who's convinced" what do you mean here?
I've seen women grow attracted to some men when they see he proposed because he genuinely felt he had to no choice. It's never happened to me and not my style. But some guys, they can pursue until she gives in. They show no remorse and never question themselves when they're beating her into submission, and that approach actually stirs up female fantasy in some ways.

But a guy who doubts himself and says "you know I kind of always knew you'd say no" gets no respect from that point onwards. Do you think he screwed himself in your eyes with the proposal or really was it the text message afterwards? I'd be interested to know
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The proposal caused a shift, but ultimately the text is what screwed him over. Just seemed a bit rude/selfish? in my opinion.
Posted by Impulsv
N how would he know this place is such an uncomfortable place for u ? Just admit he's not it let him go
Don't blame it on the spot n give him false hope.
It was a discussion we had had recently.

But you're right. When it's the one then the place won't matter at all
Posted by tiziani
No experience on this myself. He probably did more damage by sending the 'self-conscious' text afterwards, I'm guessing. Anyone can forgive someone who's convinced.
When you say "anyone can forgive someoone who's convinced" what do you mean here?
Just want to know if anyone else has done this? or been rejected?

I've recently gone through a trial such as this and wanted to get some clarity I guess...

We started dating over a year ago but had been talking while I was overseas. When I came back to visit we met up to see how things went and drove to the lake to walk and talk about things. It was a bit awkward. Kissing me without me reciprocating and then later letting him know I just didn't like the smell of his cologne. But as the night went on I became more comfortable with him and we began our season of dating. Keep in mind this spot by the lake was an uncomfortable event for me.

So he asks to go for a walk and says he's thinking of going near that spot. I says sure lets do it and I jokingly say we should go sit at the bench where he'd awkwardly tried to kiss me...that I wanted to actually kiss him now. I noted that we were sitting on different sides of the bench so we switched and kiss. Then suddenly its like a flashback and things get a little weird....he says you know I love you and you make me happy.... I look at him and it's like all of that time is reversed and I suddenly....dont find him all that attractive anymore? And then he holds out his hand, balled in a fist, with something clearly in it. I immediately say "no...no" before he can open the hand, but he does so slowly... and then I've realized what I said....and that I had not only hurt him but inadvertantly rejected him. I felt absolutely horrible....tried to tell him it wasn't a rejecting, but deep down I didn't feel any reason to reassure him further or continue this....it was like a confirmation that this was just not going to work out...

*sigh* He texted me later about it telling me he sort of figured I'd say no because he knew I'd see him taking me there as zero planning on his part when he had planned it (just wasn't a lot of planning) and I asked why he did it then if he figure he'd get a no? He was just set on the idea... I have no idea why he thought a place that held such a discomforting memory would be the one he went to....out of all the other memorable places we had been that first week we were together.

Anyways...just feel weird about all this...like I said just looking for some clarity here...
@truecap- possibly. Guess I will have to do some searching
@Soul- At least you have a job so you can take care of yourself when the times comes.

@Scenic- Funny I think most of us at college all had this idea in our heads that we would be working our dream careers or at least working towards it after college. I think the ones that were ready were the ones who's parents helped guide them in the right direction so they could clearly see next step.

Then you have people like me who has virtually no one giving guidance. I sort of just fell into the job I've been working in for the past year. Now who knows what I'll be doing..
Posted by Arielle83
Posted by Gemi9
Posted by Eris
Gemi.... How come you're not replying to my question on your thread in the relationship forum?


Sorry, was cooking dinner for my husband. From scratch (if you know what it means. It does not require any boxes opening etc. lol)
Going to see what you wrote. Come over in a sec.

Why are you such an immature snarky old cookiemonster?
You really must think you're something special. *here's a sticker*
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Hahahaha as someone who gives out stickers to my students on a daily basis this created an image in my head that was entirely too funny to me.
I was reading this and thinking to myself I could never do that. Just to be clear I am not a scorp sun just have strong scorpio influence.

But then I thought about a time a few years back when I worked with a scorpio and we had some really good chemistry and would talk for hours at work. Then I found out he was engaged and I felt weird but kept talking to him. Just made sure to keep it platonic and he did the same. Years later he messaged me on fb and we start dating. We are now planning to get married. Funny how that stuff works. Of course my scorpio was in a toxic relationship with a girl. This aqua seems happy and id still feel weird lol
Posted by tiziani
Posted by happykitsune
Posted by tiziani
Nothing wrong with it as long as you have a plan and it's the path to TRUE emotional independence from everyone.


Yes, definitely this. Was thinking about this today. I'd like to receive help from people, but not become dependent. Like a teach a man to fish type deal.


I hear that, definitely. For me it was definitely the best choice (at the time) to go back home and find that
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Yeah...my parents just don't feel the need to teach so I'm having to learn elsewhere. My father has allowed my mom to become dependent on him to the point where I don't think she could survive if he died. So he seems to think he can do the same with us and just keep us in the dark about practical stuff.
Posted by Soul
In my opinion living with the family is normal. We don't put our older members into homes when they get old. They continue living in their own house until death, and the rest of the family takes care of them.

It's really hard when my parents let me live for free, cook meals, and do all the laundry at once. It's like they do everything so I don't leave.

I could continue living in the grace of the rest of my family, or venture out on my own with nothing. I fear the idea of nothing.

I have no mate, nor do I really know how to obtain the right woman at this point in my life and I'm 25.

I'll probably just take care of my folks until death and probably die alone, which isn't a big deal.


I've heard of certain cultures being accustomed to this idea.

And yes it's hard getting out there when you have your family giving you all you need....makes you just want to stay put.
Posted by truecap
Just find a good USED car with cheap payments.


Yeah I think a used car would be best. I'll have to ask about how to make payments. I am very VERY green about this :/ My boyfriend said he'd help guide me through it tho. He does this sort of thing for a living so he loves that I'm asking him.
Posted by tiziani
Nothing wrong with it as long as you have a plan and it's the path to TRUE emotional independence from everyone.

Some people I know who moved out too early, yeah they have all the appearances of being an independent person but truthfully they lack how to build fully formed relationships and end up hopelessly clinging onto strangers.

Either way no matter which route you take, your twenties really are the time to screw it all up


Yes, definitely this. Was thinking about this today. I'd like to receive help from people, but not become dependent. Like a teach a man to fish type deal.
Posted by truecap
Posted by happykitsune
Posted by truecap
And that wasn't directed at anyone in particular or you, OP. Your situation is a little different.


No offense taken.

Part of the reason why I wanted to get out there in the first place was to get away from the overbearing rules. My scorpio dad tends to be a pain with that. Both him and my taurus mom were very against me leaving the country to work and live on my own...almost to the point of delaying my trip. Finally they gave in and let me go. It was really hard on them. I could see that in the way they changed after I had left. I have other younger sisters, but I am the oldest so I am trying to understand where they are coming from.

Being a sag I feel that overbearing-ness from them pretty strongly. Made me even more ready to go.


I was just thinking about this. I think the parents of my generation were more controlling and had more rules than my generation as parents. We're cooler and more accepting, like we are more friends with our kids and perhaps the incentive isn't there for kids to move out on their own. We make it too easy on them to be at home. Perhaps we are doing a disserve to them by being more carefree?
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I think the disservice would be in not helping them make the next steps to become an independent adult. Like the article talked about, I think it's healthy when parents encourage children to want to get out there and grow up. Even if it means providing them with some financial stability until they can be completely independent.
Posted by djbuck1
Overbearing. Hmm. I prefer, "highly dysfunctional," especially Mommy Dearest. By the time I was 18 they couldn't be overbearing because even if they had tried, it would have been received by me in icy silence.

Pisces.



I suppose since you were already out of the house it made this a lot easier.

Having been financially dependent when I was living there I couldn't afford to just ignore or do it my own way unless I wanted to become completely independent and pay all of my bills on my own with minimal to no help. That really scared me, and still does. The main scare being car payments. While I've been living in another country I haven't needed a car so I've manage to dodge learning how to do that. That is the main thing I will be working towards being okay with doing...
That's the thing. I don't have a job lined up. Still looking but the goal is to find something by the end of March. Going to see about getting rehired at my old job because I enjoyed working there before I left, but not holding my breath.
Posted by djbuck1
I do agree with TC. I couldn't get out of the house fast enough. And I always managed to find some kind of work to support myself. There were some pretty lean years in there that I would not care to re-live. But the thought of going back to my parents never crossed my mind.


Were your parents overbearing in any way?

What sign are you, if you don't mind me asking, ?
Posted by truecap
And that wasn't directed at anyone in particular or you, OP. Your situation is a little different.


No offense taken.

Part of the reason why I wanted to get out there in the first place was to get away from the overbearing rules. My scorpio dad tends to be a pain with that. Both him and my taurus mom were very against me leaving the country to work and live on my own...almost to the point of delaying my trip. Finally they gave in and let me go. It was really hard on them. I could see that in the way they changed after I had left. I have other younger sisters, but I am the oldest so I am trying to understand where they are coming from.

Being a sag I feel that overbearing-ness from them pretty strongly. Made me even more ready to go.
Posted by Arielle83
So you've been living as an expat and now are returning home and have to stay with family? If that's the case, I understand your anxiety.

Before I met my husband overseas, I was constantly thinking of moving home. Only my pride and stubbornness didn't let me. I felt I failed if I had to start back over in the city I lived in with my rents. However, now I see it as just a temporary break from the independent live I created at the age of 17. You probably need a bit of time to re-engage with family and centre yourself and figure out your next step.

There's nothing wrong with living with family as long as you aren't needy of them and consistently financially dependent on them. You've already proved your independence by making a life for yourself as an expat. Welcome the limbo state.


Thanks. Yeah this is pretty much it. And yes I am worried about becoming financially needy on them and becoming comfortable in this lull of not doing anything. I guess I just need to make sure I'm keeping on top of getting out there. I've asked my boyfriend to keep on me about that so here's to hoping I take off for good this time.
http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/what_generation_y_needs_from_parents

The above article talks about one of the topics I've had on my mind for some time. Having reached my mid twenties in the last year I was faced with the reality that I was not where I wanted to be in adulthood. I have taken the steps to get to that point by moving to another country (with minimal help) to make money and grow in my independence. It's helped a lot, but I am moving back soon and I can already feel the overbearing weight of my parents as I plan my return back to live with them. I have had two offers for others to live with. One is a friend and the other is my boyfriend. But I do not have a job lined up and would like to take some time to get my bearings before starting back up in a job. Just don't want to get comfortable.

What are you guys take on all this.... do you believe that those of us in our mid twenties should already be living on our own and independent?

How did you finally make that push to get out there and survive real life?
Posted by xrafiki
For beginners, get someone's frontal face picture. Before going to bed, concentrate on the person's eyes for at least half hour.
Do this 3x a week.

It's better if you cover the bottom half so you can really concentrate on the person's eyes.



Hmm...