Posted by heliumfiasco
Ive never thought someone was "out of my league" physically. I've been intimidated by personal success though, never enough to not date.

I also see men frequently going after women who would be (by social standards) way more attractive. Howver, I also find men often view themselves more attractive than they are, and women view themselves less attractive than they are. But I think that has to do with the atmosphere of society.

Also to clarify... I think my wording sounded more harsh than I intended. I meant mostly, that men wont fixate on their perceived "flaws" as much, and therefore will think higher of themselves. Where women are taught to fixate on their flaws, so a woman who is very attractive may view herself with a high level of criticism. Again, this is generalized and obviously not the case in every situation. Just something ive noticed a lot.

Ive never thought someone was "out of my league" physically. I've been intimidated by personal success though, never enough to not date.

I also see men frequently going after women who would be (by social standards) way more attractive. Howver, I also find men often view themselves more attractive than they are, and women view themselves less attractive than they are. But I think that has to do with the atmosphere of society.

For the record- I think texting has really minimized human interaction. It cheapens it. It leads to lots of miscommunications. Unfortunately, it was the main form of communication between us, and that was actually not my fault in this particular situation. We had discussions about it frequently. Because of his schedule it was most convenient for him. Any time I pushed us to talk in person it always was 100% effective. Text not so much.

Well after everyone’s advice, I ended our conversation with the following to him; I’ll respect his stance and I do feel badly how things turned out. Again thank you all so much. I’m actually a pretty private person in my “real” life, not one to burden friends with my personal life. So, coming here to talk has always been helpful.

“Sometimes it’s hard to see outside your own perspective. We each measure things based on experiences, no matter how “woke” we aim to be. No matter how “in the moment” we are. It’s how are minds are setup to operate.

I’m sure in many ways I have discouraged you in the context of “relationships”. But, it was previously based on a comparison of my life experience. Not yours.
In your mind you may not understand why I feel certain ways about communication or “merging”.

You may even feel that you’ve given more to this, because you’ve made massive changes to how your life fundamentally operates. It can make you feel undervalued, that your efforts were not appreciated.

You allowing me into your world was huge. Huge.

But when we view things from the scope of our own worlds, we miss things. What might be huge for you, seems like an ordinary thing to me, or vice versa.

I just want to say, thank you. I know it was hard. Sometimes discouraging, and very confusing for you. It is not a comfortable thing, and you did it for me. You opened up, to only be told it wasn’t enough. But maybe I missed how far you actually had to walk to get to where you were. Maybe it was a further walk than I knew. Maybe you walked further than I did. Maybe we left from a totally different starting point.

Had I grasped the significance earlier on, I think it would have helped prevent damage that was ultimately done. Merely from a lack of understanding of our different worlds.

I just thought I needed to say that. I’m sorry for my part.”

Posted by nikkistar

Posted by heliumfiasco
You know, I’ve thought about that today, and The texting is definitely an outer projection of how I feel there isn’t a true merging. After a year, he is still so distant. He feels this is the closest intimacy he’s ever had with someone, and to me I feel like it’s the least.

I am highlighting this part only.

If he has RA and Aspy, then this is/was the closest he has ever had. Even by your own words, he was content with being single and not having a single friend. But you are projecting your needs onto him, and demanding a whole lot more than he has ever given ANYONE other than YOU.

So as you do recognize your shortcomings, you actively need to keep reminding yourself that he has compromised with you 100 fold more than anyone else ever, instead of purely looking at what he "hasn't" done for you. Because you keep reverting to thinking of things on your terms, instead of his as well. Even if you don't think you are. RA with Aspy is a hell of a combo, and I get a feeling that your need for one sided compromise that really only benefits you, is very tough for him to swallow when HE believes he's probably done a lot more work than you.

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When I read that it really triggered some memories of past conversations. I appreciate that honesty because I think there is truth to what your saying. He probably does feel that way.

Posted by Black-Mamba
I hope you’re there for him even as a friend

Oh absolutely. I told him I’d drive him to his appt, talk to him, that my family also loves him and will be there for him if needed. He isn’t alone.

Posted by nikkistar

Posted by heliumfiasco

Posted by nikkistar

Posted by heliumfiasco
He said he fears he has it. Not that he does.

That’s he’s scheduling an Appointment.

He said it flippantly after telling me the rest. I would never ever not be supportive. In fact I’m hurt that he’s carried that around without sharing his fear with me. It makes me realize how disconnected he is from me.

When I tell you guys that this has been a struggle I’m genuine. This is a man so private that he literally doesn’t have one friend in this city that’s he’s lived in for 12 years. Not one. I’m not exaggerating. Him letting me into his life was huge.... but I don’t think he knows how to really have me in it.

He is always in a lot of pain. But I thought it was normal 37 year old, working all day pain. Not anything more. I feel awful.

If he has RA, or any auto immune issue, it isn't pretty.

My mom has RA. I have hashimoto's.

My mom is in constant pain all day everyday. Her hands and ankles get it the worst. She basically has to take chemo drugs to keep her symptoms at bay.

With hashimoto's, I have to get my entire thyroid removed, and unfortunately the hypothyroidism turned into blood pressure issues that have now progressed to congestive heart failure. This was all because my doctor's wouldn't listen to me when I said autoimmune issues are a huge issue in my lineage.

If he has this, and aspy on top of it all, I would say have to say that what he has/had done for you was of great compromise on his part. I hope that he will settle down a little and you guys can open another dialogue and the break up isn't permanent. But just my two cents here, you should probably understand the sheer work he put into you and this relationship, if he has both of those conditions.

I think you’re absolutely right, and I do not doubt at all the work he put into this. And I know beyond a doubt he truly loves me. He has told me repeatedly that he has tried harder for me than anyone and that he truly was content on being alone.

So if that is the case, think to yourself, why you have the need to "fix" seemingly small things like texting 7/7 days instead of 6/7? Why are you requiring what you deem as "compromise" in what appears to be only one sided compromise that benefits you?

Just food for thought.

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You know, I’ve thought about that today, and The texting is definitely an outer projection of how I feel there isn’t a true merging. After a year, he is still so distant. He feels this is the closest intimacy he’s ever had with someone, and to me I feel like it’s the least in some ways. And, I’m sure that me feeling that way has had a negative impact on him. I’m definitely not blameless in things. We have the most amazing philosophical talks. Most amazing openness about our pasts, our feelings, sexually .... but there is this weird gap between merging our actual lives. It’s hard to explain. It’s like every time we see each other it’s a first date. It’s like we can’t get past that first date, talk til 2am about your life phase. Which is beautiful in a way, but like I want a partner in actual life. I’ve said this so many times. It’s weird. Even the way I wrote it doesn’t do justice to what I’m trying to convey. It’s like there is an invisible wall I can’t explain it.

But is also the best relationship Ive probably had... but maybe it’s a friendship.

Posted by nanorobot
What is the status of him and asperger’s? I saw that being mentioned before and can’t find it now. I remember a long time ago, you making a thread about dating someone with it. Is this him?

I do think the potential RA and Aspergers changes everything about the dynamic of this relationship. He might be suffering in ways that you don’t know, and obviously there is much room for leniency when it comes to social/communication expectations of someone who is on the spectrum.

He told me when we first met that he was told as a kid he was on the spectrum, but his mother refused to believe or address it. But, that he also fully believes he is.

Being around him for a year, I can say for sure that he is. Extremely talented artist. Brilliant mind. But, very hard for him to connect with others. He is socially aware though... not totally unable to pick up on social cues... but he constantly talks about how hard human interaction is and how he doesn’t belong on this planet. Frequently!!!!

Posted by nikkistar

Posted by heliumfiasco
He said he fears he has it. Not that he does.

That’s he’s scheduling an Appointment.

He said it flippantly after telling me the rest. I would never ever not be supportive. In fact I’m hurt that he’s carried that around without sharing his fear with me. It makes me realize how disconnected he is from me.

When I tell you guys that this has been a struggle I’m genuine. This is a man so private that he literally doesn’t have one friend in this city that’s he’s lived in for 12 years. Not one. I’m not exaggerating. Him letting me into his life was huge.... but I don’t think he knows how to really have me in it.

He is always in a lot of pain. But I thought it was normal 37 year old, working all day pain. Not anything more. I feel awful.

If he has RA, or any auto immune issue, it isn't pretty.

My mom has RA. I have hashimoto's.

My mom is in constant pain all day everyday. Her hands and ankles get it the worst. She basically has to take chemo drugs to keep her symptoms at bay.

With hashimoto's, I have to get my entire thyroid removed, and unfortunately the hypothyroidism turned into blood pressure issues that have now progressed to congestive heart failure. This was all because my doctor's wouldn't listen to me when I said autoimmune issues are a huge issue in my lineage.

If he has this, and aspy on top of it all, I would say have to say that what he has/had done for you was of great compromise on his part. I hope that he will settle down a little and you guys can open another dialogue and the break up isn't permanent. But just my two cents here, you should probably understand the sheer work he put into you and this relationship, if he has both of those conditions.

click to expand

I think you’re absolutely right, and I do not doubt at all the work he put into this. And I know beyond a doubt he truly loves me. He has told me repeatedly that he has tried harder for me than anyone and that he truly was content on being alone.

I didn’t even mean for this topic to get so messy. Haha I genuinely wanted to see if I could possibly communicate more effectively. But, ya know things aren’t always what they seem. I’m trying to focus on that, while kind of being blind to the fact there is deeper shit going on. Well not blind, but hoping to improve it with communication. I mean I’m a Libra with a Gemini moon and Virgo Mars and Venus. If ya’ll don’t think I’ve tried every damn angle to make this work analytically, logically.....


But that’s probably the problem... I’m all planning, mental masturbation, not enough feeling it through. Listening to my intuition.

He said he fears he has it. Not that he does.

That’s he’s scheduling an Appointment.

He said it flippantly after telling me the rest. I would never ever not be supportive. In fact I’m hurt that he’s carried that around without sharing his fear with me. It makes me realize how disconnected he is from me.

When I tell you guys that this has been a struggle I’m genuine. This is a man so private that he literally doesn’t have one friend in this city that’s he’s lived in for 12 years. Not one. I’m not exaggerating. Him letting me into his life was huge.... but I don’t think he knows how to really have me in it.

He is always in a lot of pain. But I thought it was normal 37 year old, working all day pain. Not anything more. I feel awful.

Posted by nanorobot

Posted by heliumfiasco
Well, we ended up breaking up.

The conversation got heated. He said that he feels inferior in every area of his life. That he cannot give, when he is unsatisfied with who he is. That he shouldn’t be in a relationship in his current state, and that I was right.... he wasn’t pulling his weight. He said he doesn’t belong on this earth. That’s he's a failure in every way. The last message he sent was....

“It’s possibly for the best.

I’m operating at well-below my potentiality.
Really nowhere near it.
At least a million-miles from where I was a year ago.

It’s not fair to you, or anyone, including myself.

I’ve soul searched...quite a bit.

There’s no spiritual solution. I have to work on it pragmatically. I have to succeed where I feel I need to succeed.

I really honestly just have nothing else to say about it, other than that I’m sorry. “



And, I don’t have the energy to fight him on it.

I’m very sad, I invested a lot. But, you can’t force something that someone else doesn’t want.


Thank you all so much for the advice. I always find it so amazing that strangers take time out their day to help people on this board. Sometimes just talking to people openly without fear of judgement is really helpful and therapeutic. ❤️

I’m sorry 🥺💔

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Thank you. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t really sad. But I have to respect him and myself. I know he’s been depressed for months.... but I thought it was circumstantial because of work. Lately I realize it’s way deeper than that. I met with my friend Jason and his boyfriend two weeks ago to discuss it (as they went through something similar as a couple) It makes it harder because you feel like you’re walking out on someone sick... but I’ve really been in denial. Been thinking if I was just more giving, more loving, more understanding he would feel happier. He would be happier. But I can’t do that for him.


He also just told me he thinks he has early onset rheumatoid arthritis. As an artist this would be the worst thing to happen...... but he hasn’t even told me that. I’m just constantly in the dark.

It’s no way to live, and I guess I have to respect that he is doing what’s best for us both.

Well, we ended up breaking up.

The conversation got heated. He said that he feels inferior in every area of his life. That he cannot give, when he is unsatisfied with who he is. That he shouldn’t be in a relationship in his current state, and that I was right.... he wasn’t pulling his weight. He said he doesn’t belong on this earth. That’s he's a failure in every way. The last message he sent was....

“It’s possibly for the best.

I’m operating at well-below my potentiality.
Really nowhere near it.
At least a million-miles from where I was a year ago.

It’s not fair to you, or anyone, including myself.

I’ve soul searched...quite a bit.

There’s no spiritual solution. I have to work on it pragmatically. I have to succeed where I feel I need to succeed.

I really honestly just have nothing else to say about it, other than that I’m sorry. “



And, I don’t have the energy to fight him on it.

I’m very sad, I invested a lot. But, you can’t force something that someone else doesn’t want.


Thank you all so much for the advice. I always find it so amazing that strangers take time out their day to help people on this board. Sometimes just talking to people openly without fear of judgement is really helpful and therapeutic. ❤️

hahaha!

Posted by blvckphvze

Posted by _mudra

Posted by heliumfiasco
I'm not going to debate who is right or wrong. As in typical Libra fashion I see both sides clearly.

However.... I'm having a bit of an issue with my Leo. He has become completely stubborn and seems reluctant to validate my feelings, if he thinks they arent reasonable. You cant really do that in successful relationships. You cant debate emotions/needs.

Example... he will be amazing all week, then suddenly just not text or call me all day. Ill text him around dinner to see the deal and he'll be snappy/cold with me because he is doing work. I calmly stated to him that I respect that, and do not want to disturb him, but to just let me know that is the case I AM NOT A MIND READER... I said shoot a sweet text at some point during the day, or at least let me know. That would make me feel better. It literally takes 2 seconds and I think it is respectful. I simply asked if we could have that middle ground. He flat out said it was ridiculous. I should know he is working. That I shouldn't tell people what they should say, and that if that doesn't work for me, he doesn't know what to tell me. I was floored.

Here is why it bothers me-- I get his point. He is a busy person. I shouldn't "need" that validation.
But, its such a simple thing to do, a lot of the time I feel his pride is more important than my feelings/requests. Also, it feels like if I mention anything at all that is bothering me, its a complete shutdown from him for days. No matter how painstakingly eloquent I try to make my approach, he is offended.

It's so dramatic. So exhausting.

To be honest, I feel I've lost any control in the relationship. He has figured me out. He knows that I will bend to keep the peace, and that I hate to be ignored. That I will always fix the situation. Its kind of manipulative.
I can flat out say I understand his viewpoint, his feelings, basically kiss his ass and he will just be like "ok" then take two days of barely speaking to me.. as punishment. Its wild. Its like, "dude really?!" The thing is there is no doubt that he is in love with me, none. We have an amazing time, every relationship has issues.... but I need some advice on how to get this shit more balanced. For real. Because he is driving me insane.

I think ive posted similar stuff about this kind of thing with him.... but just venting again and looking for fresh insight. I'm not looking to break-up or bash him. Just really want to find a way to find more balance. Should i just surrender to this is the way it is, or is there a way I can gain back some footing here? I know ive always read DO NOT let a Leo man start running the show completely cause they can get wild....and its true, once I started giving in to "keep the peace"...it got WORSE!

He is amazing in SO many ways, but his sensitivity and stubbornness are a hell of a mix. I dont want to make it sound like i have the worst relationship or anything, but instead of bothering my friends with relationship concerns, I use this board! haha

Reminder his chart is below.... Dominant planet is Pluto
Sag Rising
Leo Sun 9th
Leo Moon 8th
Virgo Merc 9th
Leo Venus 8th
Scorpio Mars 11th

Sounds familiar. Welcome to the gaslighting phase. They're phenomenal at it. Good luck!

My advice... when he takes off... force yourself to get into your groove. Go out and do your thing. When he comes back, don't be so readily available. Talk about your feelings not in the moment but later on. Any kind of emotional heaviness will just make him act even more crappy. For as loving and understanding they can be at times, they flip and become crazy selfish. The best thing to do is hold your power and take off your damn self when he's doing something you disapprove of. It's literally impossible to get through to all that stubborn leo energy when they disagree with you. No bend for you? Don't bend for him.

Never been gaslighted by a Leo.. only Libras.. So maybe we can't blame Sun signs here. Never delt with any of this crap from Leos ever. Kinda jumping the gun.. he hasn't left or gone anywhere. He's just not communicating the way she would like or being flexible to her needs. I can see Libra - Leo energy rubbing one another the wrong way for sure.

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He is a total loner....not even one friend in the city. Not one. Planned on being single forever. Honestly, I think taking someone elses perspective into consideration is 100% foreign to him. He was in a 8 year relationship with another Libra, but she cheated on him 7 times over the course of 8 years and didnt want him really involved in her life too much. Treated him as a complete afterthought to everything. Would leave for weeks at a time and never even call him. Its done some damage. Maybe hed prefer me that way.

Posted by notreally

Posted by heliumfiasco

Posted by black773
And not to put you down but you do sound desperate here. You need some hobbies and other activities you can do alone. You don’t need to be waiting on a man to text you lol. That’s fucking crazy.

Not the case at all. I have way more of a life than he does actually. I am not sitting around waiting for a text. That is not the issue at all here. I text him to see what was up... we are way beyond the point of sitting and waiting for him to text me. We've been together over a year. Its about him being stubborn. My point about the text was that at this point, we plan dinners/nights around each other. Me asking that if that isnt going to happen, to be notified, is reasonable. Him stating that id just have to deal with it, is an example of what im talking about. Now lets say I made other plans, and he reached out, he would lose his mind. My point is NOT the text. Or a need for attention....its about how I can effectively communicate to him that certain things arent fair, without him pouting about it for a week.

See I would have to let him pout and he would either have to get over it or not.

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Ya know. Its hard cause I love him. He isnt a bad dude....he just can be very self-focused and HIGHLY sensitive. Its hard to have a reasonable conversation when someone is on the defensive. Its like talking to a wall.
The frustrating part is sometimes I KNOW he sees my point.... but he refuses to acknowledge it. His way of handling stuff is to pretend it never happened. Its true about that leo/aqua axis stuff...my mom is an Aqua, same way. She will be mad that she did YOU wrong.... not talk to you for days, then be like "hey want to go shopping?" Like nothing ever happened! haha I gave up on communicating with that woman YEARS ago. Love her to death though.

Posted by Echo
I cannot stress this enough but if people got opinions about this I am alright with your comments and what you think. But this is how I view communication now,

You can not communicate effectively with a person who does not see anything wrong with their actions.

It’s not your fault nor is it his. Both of y’all value something different. It’s either he compromises with you and try to work things out in the relationship or you walk away from the person who cannot give you what you want.

I think youre probably right.

Posted by black773
And not to put you down but you do sound desperate here. You need some hobbies and other activities you can do alone. You don’t need to be waiting on a man to text you lol. That’s fucking crazy.

Not the case at all. I have way more of a life than he does actually. I am not sitting around waiting for a text. That is not the issue at all here. I text him to see what was up... we are way beyond the point of sitting and waiting for him to text me. We've been together over a year. Its about him being stubborn. My point about the text was that at this point, we plan dinners/nights around each other. Me asking that if that isnt going to happen, to be notified, is reasonable. Him stating that id just have to deal with it, is an example of what im talking about. Now lets say I made other plans, and he reached out, he would lose his mind. My point is NOT the text. Or a need for attention....its about how I can effectively communicate to him that certain things arent fair, without him pouting about it for a week.

Posted by poeticseraphim
This is who he is. He can't change.

Ya know, that very well could be the answer. I stated that in my post. I'm kind of lost on if there is something I could explain/ do in a better way, or if that's just whats up.