Has anyone learned the best way to tell a cancer man who says he loves you to get his act together or get out and stay out of their lives? Second time around with this one and he is displaying the same behavior that caused the ending the first time around. What, if anything, works? Ultimatum, straight talk, hit the road and don't look back....what works, or does anything work. I blew my cool and acted a fool over something he did that blindsided me...don't like feeling that way, don't like acting that way...we are way past the "trying to figure it out years" and too old for that crap..........
I posted this on the scorpio board and was hoping from some insight from some Leo guys. Any help here is appreciated.
I met a Leo guy a couple of months ago. I was not overly attracted to him, but he had something about him that got me. Got to know him, we had so much fun. Told me he loved me way to early in the getting to know you stage. We are both over 40, so we are not young, not that that makes us smarter...lol.
Thought things were going good and about the time I decided I would try the relationship thing with him he pulled back.
He told me of issues in his past, divorce, drinking, DUI's, problems problems problems. Says he has to square his life away before he can get in to a committed relationship. His words, not mine. Says he has a two year plan to get back on his feet, wants to own a home and be able to support his partner before getting in to a relationship. I don't want to be a friend with benefits, I am too old and that is just not where I am with my life.
I think I need to give him the boot and move on. Wrong guy at the wrong time. Interested in hearing what others say.
I think these are all lessons needed to be learned. I am, as I have said, more analytical in my thinking than most scorpio women. I was ruled by my emotions for most of my life and found me choosing the wrong men for the wrong reasons. I actually have a list of 10 must have's in a man now. I figure if I get 8 I am good to go. The top one is ability to communicate and this is what swept me away about my cancer ex. He would tell me anything and not be afraid. Conversely, he lies about things of no consequences and not just to me, to others. Go figure........
But back to the point of the story, I never saw myself as being insensitive and uncaring and portraying myself as such has been a struggle, but it is actually self survival regarding our feelings and emotions and it is indeed a good thing. Remaining detached and going with the flow is working well for me.
BTW, I got a call from my ex cancer last night while at Target. He called to tell me a special was on TV about the KCMOPD Tactical Unit. Since I had been a cop and was a TACT officer he thought I would enjoy it. I said jokingly " so are you asking me to come watch it with you or what", he laughted and replied no, that he was going to play softball but wanted to tell me it was on. I told him thanks for letting me know and that I was heading home soon and I would watch it as soon as I got home. He called about 10 minutes later wanting to know if I was home and watching. I told him no, that I was at Target and joking told him that the people at Target were getting tired of him calling. Anyway I got home and watched the program and called later told him thanks for calling me and said I would talk to him later.
So I was left wondering what that phone call was really all about, but then again maybe I just think too damn good for my own good....lol
cheeky14u - I answered your question on the post that you orginally left it on under another topic. Sorry, you may not like what I said but I think this is and remains a non judgemental tell it like it is board.
With regard to all this rehashing and exchange of stories regarding cancer males, I am simply amazed at the traits and behavior patterns they seem to have in common. Self centered and selfish seems to occur rather often. Inconsiderate, just as a human being, let alone a cancer seems to be a topic also.
One thing we all should have learned by now. Our definition of "love" and theirs may not be the same. i don't say this because we are women and see the world differently, but because I have read posts by some very intellegent women who have a good grip on themselves and who they are, what they want and what they will tolerate. We go in to the relationship with our eyes wide open and we accept it the way it is.
One statement above is definitely true. I wish my ex had told me how screwed up he was and given me a choice in the onset. He assured me he was over his ex, that I was not a rebound and that he wanted to give it a try. How can people be so not in touch with themselves, their emotions and how they truely feel? That is the one that stumps me most. I have no problem that it did not work out, it was the way it was meant to be. I do not regret that he is who he is, he is exactly where he should be at this time in his life and it is not my place to judge him or tell him he is wrong for acting and being who he is. The only thing I can control is MY ROLE in all of this. This is why I ended it.
I think this is the mindset strong women have to adapt, to be greatful for the good, accept that life is not perfect, and define for yourself what you want and do not want in a man. It is true, you probably will never get it all, but it is important to ge the things you truly need. For me, I want and need a whole person who loves themself, thereby being able to love me.......boy is that a tough one to land......lol
No, you will never get over him, but you know what, that is alright also. I would never trade the times and moments I shared with my cancer guy for anything and I do mean that. When it was good, it was the best. Had I not met him, I would have not experienced this and I am forever blessed for having known him.
Redrovertoo: You will see a change in him, he will morf in to who he must be to make this work with you, but the real person will come back in to play. Trust me on this. My cancer really wanted to love me and make it work, but he was so consumed by his past uncertainties and pain it always over shadowed anything we ever had. All I can say is make certain you step back as you go thru this process and keep your eyes wide open to who he is presenting himself to be and who he really is. Cancers seem to really want to make it work when they care, and they will (seemingly) do what it takes. But we always revert back to who we are and those issues and events that drive us to be who we truely are. Just be cautious and stay focused on learning who this man really is.
The difference, I think for me and my ex is that we never fought, we never argued. We did disagree, but we talked to each other and had an excellent communication level, something that is very important to me.
So, for me it comes to this: Is there value in being patient and waiting for someone who may never be there? To me, if he is not working on healing himself for him, how can he ever come back to me as a whole person? There is no doubt in my mind he loves me, I have even told him that I do know he loves me, he just does not know what to do about it.
In the mean time I am meeting and dating other men. I am going on with my life. I do not call or text him. Dammit, I am not placing myself in the path of any man to get him to pay attention to me. If he wants me, he has to come and get me.
Until I hear him speak the words, Kate, I love you and want to try to make this work, as far as I am concerned we have shared everything that we are capable of sharing at this time in my life. I can't change the fact that he is in a strange place with himself, nor would I want him to change for me. I believe he has to find himself and love himself before he can ever truely love anyone. I have often told him I felt I came in to his life to prepare him to find true love. I acknowledge that most likely it will not be with me, but that he was given the opportunity to see and experience unconditional love which accepts the other for who they are. I have never asked him to change, never asked him to be any one other than who he is. It is just that who he is right now does not work for me. I guess who I am right now, wanting to be in love and have a relationship does not work for him. I do want to be clear to everyone in saying his love does not consume me, but it shall forever remain part of my life. Would I take him back today. No, nothing has changed and it would be the same. Can I remain his friend and love him for who he is, yes, I do and always will. It is the confusion and uncertainty that is most painful for me and right now at this time in my life I know I am better of (for me) not to participate.
Redrovertoo: I don't think it our intent to put cancer men down or participate in a cancer bashing party. Let's face it, cancer is a very confusing sign, not that we have to understand everyone and everything about them. I will not rehash my previous posts, but tell you from the heart what truly confuses me regarding my ex cancer. I am an analytical scorpio. Having been ruled by my emotions in my younger years, bad choice after bad choices regarding men. When I met cancer guy, I thought I had met the one. He asked me to be in a committed relationship, he took me to meet his parents and brought me in to the fold of his best friends. He spoke of plans for our future and on down the line. Then one day, he realizes he is still in love with his past girlfriend. Give me a break, is being a cancer so confusing that cancer guys don't know what they feel and when they feel it, what is real and what is not.
I think, for the most part this is our delima. I love my ex cancer, or should I say I love the guy he was when he was at his best (or was that really his best, maybe the guy who withdrew from me emotionally was really being at his best?) So, the problem is all the mixed signals and mixed messages. How does any one of us out here know where reality begins and ends. How do we know what is real in their hearts and minds? My cancer still contacts me, says I am his best girl friend and says he loves me, but I have not seen him for over a month. I know you say be patient, but life is marching by while some of us sit and wait for someone to figure out (a) who they are and (b) what they really want and don't want.
I am not one for saying my cancer guy was wrong for being who he is. Damn, I know he is simply doing the best he can given where he is in his life and I do understand this. Do I wish he would get his butter together and figure himself out for himi? You bet. But things he has told me regarding his childhood and past tell me his behaviour is merely a symptom of deeply rooted problems. He acknowledges the problems, but I do not see him attempting make himself a whole person for him.
How can any of us, me included, go out in to the world and even comtemplate a loving relationship with another when we are so emotionally wounded. I think if a part of us (our selves) is dealing with past problems and issues, it takes away from our capacity to truly be ourselves and give of ourselves 100% to another.
There is one great lesson that I learned from my cancer guy that might just be a big part of who they are. I learned about unconditional love. I learned that some of us are just different, caught up in our own worlds and own ways. I was certain my cancer guy was the one, he was the perfect fit in everyway. After time, when I got past the romance stage and really started looking at him and how emotionally disfunctional he was, I learned that it is alright for love not to work, and that sometimes, just sometimes, that simply is the way it is. Do I miss him, you bet. Do I still love him, until the day I die. But you know what, sisters, this is not the man I would be happy spending the rest of my life with. It is like a light bulb that comes on in your head and you say "Yikes, this is just a little too complicated and too f--ked up for my liking. I am scorpio, I like to plan, I like neat and tidy, I like to know the possibilites of the future. I am not a cast my fate to the wind person and that is exactly what I did every day I spent with my cancer guy. I do not dislike him or even resent him for being who he is. He is simply at the place in is life where he needs to be for him.
I think where we mess up is when we try to make excuses for bad behavior and simple disrespectful behavior. We try to factor in who they are and why they are the way they are. Well girls, good news, there are no martians zapping them with ray guns evolking this behavior, they are being who they choose to be. I will never be angry or mad at my ex cancer, if anything I feel a little sorry for him for the tormented and sad life he lives. But, I know I deserve better. I hope all of you who have had your heart broken by a cancer guy know this and learn and grow from it. If you were like me, I had some great and wonderful moments I would not trade for anything, but the truth is, that is all they were, moments, not forever.....