I think I am coming across the wrong way. I haven't had sex for months! I'm not even interested. I am too obsessed with furthering my art career. men will always come second to that. Sometimes I just feel like I am missing out on the relationship side, coz society places so much emphasis on coupling off. but really I don't think about it too much, just occassionally things happen that highlight my lack of meaningful experience with the opposite sex. I'm fine honestly. I love being single.
I am a loser, I know this. Everyone thinks the opposite ironically enough. relationships just seem to elude me. Even though I initially attract a lot of people, i can't seem to get a proper relationship off the ground. The older I get the harder it will be, which is scary. Sod it, I've had enough, I can do better. I need to set my sights higher. He's not all that at all... just virgo got me! Seems to me if his gf is paranoid about a perfectly innocent text (which is was) then that is a sure sign that that is how I would feel if I was in her position and I can't deal with that. Lucky escape I think.
It isn't about the sex, in fact the only consolation is that not being with him I can get better sex. The connection was never sexual, sure I fancy him, but he's just a great kisser. The sex isn't all that tbh. I know how it reads and I would say exactly the same thing if I were you, I even say it to myself, but this niggling feeling i get of just knowing there is something unspoken between us... time scale has nothing to do with it, months can pass by sure, but this thing is still there. I feel it, whose to say he doesn't? It's possible he's just a coward. My hunches are rarely wrong... but I'm trying to get over it. But if I can't then I just have to live with it. I want to meet someone else but I can't get closure on this. I need to tell him how I feel, but I don't have his email and now I know his gf reads his texts... there is no way for me to get this out. I think when you really like someone you have to tell them, even if you know nothing can come of it. Otherwise you'll carry it with you forever. Yeah I probably do need therapy, but I can't afford it. :O
I guess I am thinking that this is a significant development and I should act on it. It's about time I got an answer/closure. So should I call him up tomorrow and ask WTF? and let him know that I found it quite upsetting to get dragged into his domestic and just come clean about my feelings? I want to move on, though I think this is a soul connection and unless you have been thru it then it can't be compared to a conventional connection. that is why I am behaving so irrationally over what on paper looks like I am just some nutty obsessed woman!
So I get a missed call from this same guy I have been pining over for the last 3 years.... Jesus (yeah I should move on, believe me I've tried and did move on - then I went back to square one)... the second missed call this week after I sent him an innocent "how are you?" text last week (as I haven't seen him since February). He never calls me... never. So I'm thinking, "ooh. Finally - maybe he wants to hook up". Seeing as we had so much fun in the past (the whole history of it is on here).
So I call him back and a GIRL answers the phone. I'm surprised and after a few confused hello? hello's? I ask if he's there, She passes the phone over and he says Hi, how are you? and then "My girlfriend's standing in front of me and she's got the hump. She found the message you sent last week. I just wanted to make the point that "I"M NOT CHEATING ON HER!" Then he apologized. I said "look, this ain't my problem, bye."
As soon as he said the word girlfriend I was in shock. I know it sounds naive, but for as long as I've known him he's not had one. In a way I feel relieved. At least the situation has CHANGED. After 3 years, I know it's ridiculous but I haven't met anyone who made me forget him, even though I came close to emigrating with someone else after a whirlwind romance... but that's another story.
This girl sounds really young, obviously insecure and I just can't understand what is going on. why is he with her when he could be with me??? I don't get the feeling it's a serious relationship. I'm not really concerned about it, just more confused that I got a call at all. getting me involved.
I may even tell him how I feel now, because with him being in a relationship, I can't really get rejected can I? But at least he'll know. Just had to write this down on here. I'm in shock.
I know how this reads, but I'm sure there is more to it than 'he's just not into me, he's with someone else, forget it.'
Usually I'm not the type to brood over anything and I am very practical, if something ain't working for me I move on, but there is something about him and me that keeps me hooked. My instincts tell me he likes me, you just feel that don't you? but now he is with someone else... I dunno. I've heard about guys going out with girls they are not really crazy about whilst they have feelings for someone else but they just admire them from afar, because they are scared. or is that something we tell ourselves to make us feel better?
It's hard to get a dialogue going when I see him so infrequently. I intend to say something next time i see him, or at least head in that direction. That 'spark' between us will always be there I think, but I am carrying on with my life regardless. Not waiting for him - I have had flings with others, but in the back of my mind he is always there and I guess I do need closure to allow others in. I just have never met anyone who made me feel the way he does and that is very hard to shake. It's either love or infatuation. whatever it is, I ike the way it makes me feel.
Is a retreat of 5 months common? that's what I wanna know! the closer and more intimate and the more sparks of chemistry I feel when I do get to see Virguy, I know it will be an even longer period before I see him again! I should cool it and try this boundary thing again. I denied him sex once and he started calling me. Then I blew it. The flesh is weak.
yeah I totally did stab her in the back. I'm learning that guilt creeps up on you... I am never gonna let this happen again. I think if we did we would lose respect for ourselves and each other. And I can't like someone I have no respect for. I don't like myself very much at the moment...
Good, now I feel bad. I was worried because yesterday I felt nothing and when i get like that I get scared. Scared that I have become so cynical that I have lost touch with my feelings. I guess it took a day to sink in. I hardly slept last night. Now I feel dissapointed with my friend and myself. I realise that every time he makes a move on me I lose a little bit more respect for him, which is a shame because he was the person I respected most. I had him on some kind of pedestal. now I realise he is 'just a man!' not this saintly figure. We have unfinished business. He has always liked me and I have enjoyed flirting with him and I am curious. That is often the undoing of me, I just can't resist. And because there has always been this spark, of course we feel the need to explore it. Even though it is wrong, that is human nature. Maybe it is nothing and we will realise we are better off as friends and no one gets hurt and he stays with his gf. Surely better to put an end to the yearning so he can concentrate on his relationship. I won't allow this to develop into an affair and I know he wants to make his relationship work.
I am going to talk to him at some point and get to the bottom of his woes.
I don't see it lasting forever. no way. if you have any doubts then the cracks will appear and get bigger over time. I think he is lying to himself also. It's his own fault for getting involved so quick and so deep with her, especially when he says he has been holding a candle for me for 7 years. If I was into someone that much I would not get involved in a serious relationship with someone else, I would wait and wait and hope that that person would become available soon. We were so young and my relationship was fooked anyway. funny, coz i remember my friend telling me bad stuff about my then boyfriend and I didn't know whether to believe him, but now I know what a cad my ex was... trouble is, I have been single for 5 years now and I have almost forgotten how it feels to be in a relationship. I don't take much that seriously, esp relationships. I got burnt and now I just want some fun. Times like this make me worry for myself and I think I need a reality check or maybe I should start to pursue a proper mature relationship and stop messing with other peoples....
I haven't provided a 'service' to anyone else! Just people talk to me and this is what i have heard. he's not playing me. i know it seems hard to believe coz he has cheated, but he is the most decent man I have ever met and i do find myself comparing men to him. If I could meet someone who was as sensitive and had his morals I would be so happy. but no one compares. he is an amazing person. he just slipped up and made this one mistake, and in all the years I've known him, that is the only bad thing he has done. He is not the cheating kind, this is just an issue he has with me. Hard to explain, but if i found out he had cheated with anyone else, i would be really shocked and dissapointed in him. sounds crazy, but infidelity isn't black and white.
I have done something that could hurt another person if she found out. which she won't... I love my friend and I want him to be happy in this relationship if he chooses to stay in it. I don't intend to embark on an affair, I just feel like I have allowed him to release something that has been repressed. I am of the belief that we all have potential to be reached and I don't like to see parts of peoples personalities being squashed because of their partner. I see another side to him that I think he should embrace and celebrate. he is a young man who likes sex but loves his girlfriend, who doesn't give him enough. They are not sexually compatible. it is a common problem I have come across before and it is very sad because that person feels torn between loving their girlfriend and wanting to do right by her, but at the same time having sexual urges that cannot be ignored forever. I would like to talk to him about it at some point, coz I guess he has no one else to talk to about it as none of our other friends know that their relationship is less than perfect. That would be more helpful than having sex with him. It is a difficult one, coz my motivation to sleep with him comes from being a best friend and responding to his wishes to sleep with me (he is driven by lust). So I think that is why i don't feel that guilty. It just doesn't feel like a bad thing, whereas if it was more lustful and passionate for me then I would feel more involved and feel more guilt. I don't want him to leave her for me, and he hasn't given any indication he ever would. so I don't see I am a threat. but I probably will get hit by karma. I deserve it