I figured I'd ask a sign that feels intense emotions, yet manage to control themselves most of the time. I've seen genuinely happy Scorpios too, and they seem to always manage somehow in the midst of tragedy. Hm,
what are the things you do throughout a sad day/year that make you feel better? Or what goes through your mind during hard times?
And in the midst of a prolonged period of sadness, how do you motivate yourself to get things done? Like chores, studies, etc.?
Recently, my dad has set the router to disconnect at night. He just unplugs it out of pure spite if he hears me Skyping. (I'm using Mobile Hot-spot right now) I had tried to believe so many times that his controlling behavior was just to "look out" for me. But for years now, he has been helicopter-"parenting" me and he yells that it's always for my "own good". He's called me so many names.... he's called me a cookiemonster, a leech (even though he told me *not* to get a job in the past and now he's mad that I did what he said), he's looked through all of my boxes when I wasn't looking, he's looked through my things and re-arranged my room when I wasn't looking, he put spyware on my computer when I was 17, ....the list.goes.on. "He's ruining my life" is a very cliche "teen quote". That quote also feels like a treetrunking understatement. But, it's so crippling to feel that your parents are a major setback. I hate it. I know they mean well but...
When my dad dropped me off to college, he just looked at me when I got out of the car and said "Oh man, I wish I was you.. I wanna take classes"
Then, I decided to go into a modeling audition. I thought it'd be fun. Just something for myself, not too serious. The manager loved me and said he wanted me back. I was hesitant to go because I knew I had to get my dad to drive me there. And he always acts 'over-involved'. He either critizises everything, or comments on everything I do. After that audition, he was so happy and said "HEY I LOOKED UP ALL OF THE POSES FOR MODELS AND RUNWAYS SO I CAN TEACH YOU HOW TO WALK." (like, who tf asked you?) It was supposed to involve me only. It felt...like...."what's the point in doing this anymore. I feel so much hatred, I can't even enjoy this anymore. Just because he got involved."
I cried for so long after that.
So from then, I just chose to do what I liked in secret. If I like something, I keep it a secret. I put on a poker-face when he's around since he doesn't like me expressing something negative. If I roll my eyes or frown, he takes it as an offense and threatens to kick me out (I wish I was exaggerating).
I wear headphones almost all the time, because he can't critizise what he can't hear. So if I wear headphones, at least he won't ruin music for me.
Then, my mom said that the pianist in the church saw that I had interest in piano, and told my mom to ask me if I wanted to learn for free. I've always had a knack for (and loved) music and art, so I said yes. My dad had to drive me there and he saw the pianist's studio and everything. The pianist was focused on me, and my dad was focused on how I talked to the pianist (he likes to contro- I mean, "comment" on how I talk to people as well).
*When my dad was driving me back home, he told me the story of how, "When I was 6 years old, my dad wanted to win a big organ in a raffle but he didn't win. So he bought me a a toy one instead. I wanted to learn so badly but couldn't. All these years I wanted to learn piano but couldn't."....he is 53 now. I'm pretty sure if he really wanted to learn *that* seriously all of those years, he would have bought at least a keyboard piano instead of a big-screen TV, spyware (not sure if he bought that or not), and other things. He just suddenly remembered his huge interest in piano when *I* went to take classes for it.
So when he knocked on my door to ask, "Hey...I have a question. I decided to do something for myself for once. And practice the piano. Because when I'm 70 and go blind, I want to play the piano in churches and get payed. So I was wondering if you found the adapter for the piano so I can borrow it meanwhile I'm not at work." (The keyboard piano needs the adapter in order to work). I was mildly in shock but then annoyed. Then majorly disturbed. I didn't know what to think. And I still don't know
"I think it's time that I look out for myself for once." I feel so digsusting and selfish for thinking that. I know it's a good thing to think about myself for once, but it's been so ingrained in my mind that it's supposed to be a bad thing.
But hearing him ruin something I love, feels like It feels like the piano isn't even something that's mine anymore. Or if I played any piano. I just feel guilty when I press the keys. I hate it.
I feel like I want to treetrunking cut myself or hurt myself really badly. Or do something violent (of course I won't , jail isn't worth going into for a lilc!!kiemonster) Because my main two outlets (music and the internet) have been taken away from me.
I love modeling, playing the piano, drawing, singing,
but.... on the modeling..whenever I think about it. I get flashbacks and an impulse that feels like rage. (I don't express it, of course. I've gotten used to not expressing anything..only in my writing) I desperately don't want the same thing to happen with the piano just by hearing him practice. He mentally tortured me and now he wants to learn what I have been practicing ?
Answers for possible questions: "Can't you move with your mom?"- I'd rather not move in with someone who used to hit me. "Can't you move out?" - That is easier said than done. Like no butter I'm planning to, lmao. I just want to find ways on how to cope a little better in this hurricane. I just want to know that I'm not crazy for not wanting to lend my dad the piano. Or selfish, or bad..I've already been guilt-tripped almost all my life for petty butter. But this feels more than personal. I don't want the piano ruined for me just by hearing him play (I hate him that much). This is someone I hate, messing with something I love. He suddenly wants to do the thing that he cookiemonstered at me for, and asked to borrow my piano after recently setting the router to disconnect at night. (And no, he won't bargain. If I ask if he can bring the wifi back in exchange, he'll have a fit.)
Should I feel guilty for playing the piano in secret and pretending I haven't found the adapter, for my own personal sanity?
Did he flirt with you as easily as he is flirting with this new person? And if so, it could have been anyone in the world as long as they were pretty and flirted with him.
I've dealt with the same kinds of people. They make it seem as if they will literally die without you. But then they make it seem as if they will literally die for anyone who gives them attention..
It is painful to watch once you get attached to them. Especially when you weren't attached to them at first. You just wanted to be a genuine friend at first. It's like..they don't even care about the other's feelings. They only care about who can baby them for attention. /: idk him personally, but... He sounds a lot like the type I've dealt with.
Clingy at first, then detach as soon as they find something else to cling to. Too blinded by their own self-pity to realize the harm they cause.