When friends disappear during a time of crisis?

rockyroadicecream
I have noticed this "phenomenon" with people. You have a crisis and they disappear.

I found a few articles in regard to it. Psychologists consider it something that people do because they don't know how to help or what to say, so they avoid. ...like kitties.

However, people who have experienced it have considered it pure selfishness and self absorbed attitude.

Personally, while I do understand the former, the latter is one I agree with most. The whole scenario baffles me. It's understandable when you don't know how to help or what to say, but to completely disappear? How selfish do you have to be?

Do you think it's one, the other, or both? Excusable or not? Is it because our society has been conditioned to be way too passive in just about anything anymore?
rockyroadicecream
I know, right? I've noticed that selfish trolls stick together with no problem. But that's okay. I kind of don't want them near me. They can flock over there in their selfish troll herd. Though it could leave one wondering how any friendship survives when both are taking more than giving. ...paradox??
P-Angel
It's because people are too dependent on others .. in times of need they become clingy ... people don't like that and would rather not have to deal with you when you become so emotional that you depend on someone else to support you.


I would suggest growing up, and taking care of your own feelings .. maybe then you wouldn't find people bailing on you when you need them.
rockyroadicecream
Glad I blocked her. I can't be bothered reading such ignorance.
Scenic
I think P-Angel's post would actually apply to vain or heartless people. Basically, people who don't take their friendships seriously. Which, people like that are out there. And those people, surprisingly, have friends.

I would stick around to a certain point, myself (I'm semi-heartless). If my friend was acting at the normal level of distress and upsetness, I would comfort them and be there for them. I like to help people, generally. However, If they were over the top in hysterics and would cry all the time and everywhere, I would have to back down. I can't take that many emotions. I get sucked into people's moods easily, and I don't want to end up in as negative as a place as my friend. Some may call that selfish, but honestly, if it comes to that point, I think they would need to see a professional counselor for help, anyway. Am I a bad person for thinking this way?
rockyroadicecream
Posted by Scenic
Am I a bad person for thinking this way?

Not bad, but maybe learn to empathize a little more. It sounds as if you don't have much experience in hardships...? I've noticed that when people think like this, they haven't really suffered very many major blows that can occur in life. Also, based on the examples that you gave, I don't think we're seeing eye to eye on what counts as a "crisis" in regard to this topic. What you mentioned sounds like a break up situation. It's a crisis, but I'm thinking more serious than a break up, though people do tend to run away from that too. When I think crisis, I'm thinking of what TOC's friend is going through with her mom.

I saw this response a few times in discussions to the topic and the mindset of a lot of people is "boo negativity!" Well, that's life. Get used to it. If you think helping a friend gets to be too much because it's too "negative" it means you're just running from the misc. things that happen in life. And yes, that makes you selfish.

...Not that you have to be one's emotional crutch, but to high tail it out of there because you can't handle "negative" says a lot about your view of the world. Not being snarky, but it's just something to think about in regard to how you view it. If you prefer to continue to think like that, that's your thing.

In regard to the counseling bit, they can only do so much. Getting support from friends is an entirely different thing than seeing a counselor. They're two different worlds. However, if you are seeing behaviors and things that worry you about the friend in question, then yes, sometimes professional intervention is necessary.
SwimmingLioness
People often avoid friends and acquaintances that are in or have experienced crises, because they don't know how to relate to them, and fear they will be of little or no help. Simply not knowing what to say to someone....
rockyroadicecream
Then why not at least try?
SwimmingLioness
I think most do, I used to work in the funeral industry, and as a bystander I witnessed the discomfort of individuals facing those who have been touched by deep pain. Think of it, everyone is beyond their "comfort zone", everyone truly wants to help, and some people are better suited for reaching out than others. Other's will help in small ways that may not be as noticeable.

But, honestly, the persons you refer to that go MIA/avoid, do so out of fear/discomfort most likely. I agree that "trying" is the rational choice, perhaps they can't face the altered state of their loved-one, this is not rational, it's emotional. They miss the window of opportunity, put off the "oh, I need to go see ______", and then it only becomes more difficult, or the chance is gone completely.
james tate
To keep it short and sweet
This is not a friend this is a goodtimer
Amandus
People don't realize they place too much expectations--all of which are selfish--in all sorts of relationships. Failure to meet them causes pain.

Like, the world thinks that friends have to pick you up every time you fall. But the truth is friends don't have this obligation at all and shouldn't. A true friend would never place this expectation on another and appreciate them regardless of whether or not they can help. You're supposed to be happy with friends not drag them down because of your own helplessness.

If a friend helps its because they wanted to. Not because of some unwritten law.


Stop being selfish and weighing yourself down with expectations you don't tell your friends about.
Fire-Water
Posted by cancepio
Something about this issue is disturbing me beyond belief.

1. The unwritten law doesn't force "friends" to be supportive,it defines what a friend is.
2. I agree that most people mistake acquaintances with friends, they over invest, expect too much and are often disappointed.

3. There is something about mislabelling relationships that just treetrunk me off. I was reading today that most women with terminal cancer get divorced within the first year. Imagine if a guy could say.. "Hey!.. i am your husband, promised you in sickness and in health, through thick and thin.. but your mistaken, I'm not obliged to be with you, to be supportive, to waste my life supporting someone i promised i would spend the rest of my life with.. you expected to much", your going to say.. sure.. live your life.. but question if he is selfish or not?.. seriously? are our morals so corrupt that selfishness has become reasonable? the norm? Some people have a talent in finding that grey area and they love it and love living in it.. that area that inspired infamous quotes like "yeah were going out together, yes we treetrunked a few times, but were not exclusive".

Call it what you may, colour it any shade of grey.. its bullbutter, it stinks and without a doubt, just pure selfish, and in some occasions evil.


I agree, friendships are strengthened when life gets tough.
Scenic

The user who posted this message has hidden it.

Scenic
Posted by Amandus
People don't realize they place too much expectations--all of which are selfish--in all sorts of relationships. Failure to meet them causes pain.

Like, the world thinks that friends have to pick you up every time you fall. But the truth is friends don't have this obligation at all and shouldn't. A true friend would never place this expectation on another and appreciate them regardless of whether or not they can help. You're supposed to be happy with friends not drag them down because of your own helplessness.

If a friend helps its because they wanted to. Not because of some unwritten law.


Stop being selfish and weighing yourself down with expectations you don't tell your friends about.

You know what, just this.

XXMR2NICEXX
Friends who disappear during a time of crisis are usually the same friends who come knocking on your door when they have issues of their own. I think you call them friend's parasites.
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