How to deal with a cancer man......Please Help!!!

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7/29/2008 8:09:06 AM | More
Vina


Hi ...am new member in this forum . Me and my husband make a very good couple....I am scorpion and he's cancer.We are married for 5 1/2 years.

Things are going fine BUT sometimes I just don't know what happens he gets hurt for very small things which I could never thought of before saying.
Whenever I try to talk to him about that he would rather get more irritated.
During this he just stops behaving and talking normal. We live like room partners who never talk to each other.

Earlier I used to try hard to persuade him but that never helped. Every time I approach him lovingly without having a slightest idea about my mistake but its all in vain. Now I have started giving him space want him to come to me but its never done, ultimately after few days its me who has to crush all the ego and self-esteem(which is very painful for me) and go to him just to patch-up the things.

All this makes me very sad and depressing. I don't know how to deal with it.

I will highly appreciate if anybody gives me some suggestion and some more insights about dealing with a cancer man.

Besides this my marriage life is very happy,we love each other so much and are very good at sex.

Thanks in advance.

V
7/29/2008 9:41:11 AM | More
waterwheel

He is very likely irritated because his own feelings of shame/anger have activated. This has nothing to do with you. When people 'snap', when you approach them, it is because it is too painful for them to hold or admit what it is that is bothering them. Think of a wounded animal - it needs you, but it will bite your hand when you go to help it.

Men often act this way around issues of 'dependence'. He will be frustrated because he cannot work out why he feels as he does; no man likes to feel needy / dependent on others.

The plain truth is, he is a very sensitive human being who's 'trigger threshold' is set ten notches too high. This is very common (but of course not exclusive) in people who have been shamed or bullied as children. I would be happy to explain in detail how this works and what you can do if this turns out to be the case

Bottom line - it's NOT you. You must leave him until his emotional regulation system returns him to his natural equilibrium, then he will come back to you. There is nothing you can do that will help him.
7/29/2008 10:53:27 AM | More
Vina

I appreciate your promt reply and the insights.

thankyou so much.......will try to give him as much space as possible in that conditon. I really liked the example u quoted.

V
8/5/2008 12:00:21 PM | More
ariesgirl402

it is definately not you!!! i was in a relationsip with a cancer man and it was a nightmare. i assume you have a bit sarcastic sense of humor being a scorp and can say what's on your mind and honest. cancer men can't handle it. mine had a bad childhood and mommy issues. anything that would even remotely had anything to do with criticism towards anybody would somehow become me critisizing him. like i would call someone a nerd as a joke he'd totally flipp out on me and say that i'm a horrible person and he's embarrased to be with me. no sense of humor and everything and everybody against him. if he has severe mood swings and up/down emotions make sure he doesn't have a bipol disorder. being with him made me emotionally exausted and depressed. i stayed with him because of sex for a while. then he wanted his space thank god. i was depressed and mad at myself that i let him get to me and make me sick and then after he was gone i started feeling soooo much happier. he was trying to get back and i wouldn't talk to him or email or anything. that was the worst relationship i've ever had. i also worked with a cancer man and it was walking on egg shells as well. always about him and whynining and always offended.
8/5/2008 9:47:38 PM | More
Mistery

female

I was just going to say try to use your sense of humor but Ariesgirl has assumed that you may have a sarcastic one. My boyfriend is a Scorpio and he doesn't use sarcasm on me unless he's pissed so unless there's some underlying tension and you have been sarcastic with your Cancer you won't get a good reaction.

Being an Aries, the only thing I have in common with a Cancer is that we are both cardinal signs. Cardinal signs do appreciate honesty and I suggest that you try to sit your man down and gently be honest with him. Tell him first how much you love him, care about him and want this relationship to work and tell him you are scared about him shutting you out. Then the ball is in his court. He may want to walk away and it might seem like it was all for naught but give him his space and let him come to you after he thinks about what you said. It might take some time so just let it be for a while. If things don't work out in the long run at least you'll know you tried and whatever happened wasn't because you didn't give it your all.
8/6/2008 11:38:42 AM | More
ariesgirl402

i didn't mean to insult her sense of humor in any way.
you can try "Tell him first how much you love him, care about him and want this relationship to work and tell him you are scared about him shutting you out." but make sure he doesn't use push/pull method on you. that's what mine did. he tells you he needs space and then disappears and then he accuses you for not caring enough for you to go after him. then he accuses you for not giving him space. any ways, everybody is different. what's his moon sign? that would explain his emotional being more than his sun sign. good luck.

8/7/2008 3:27:52 AM | More
Vina

Thanks everybody....I appreciate your advice.....I talked to my husband frankly........he himself told me today that its him and not me......he just can't help when his mood goes off....
8/7/2008 10:39:27 AM | More
ariesgirl402

sq- and they say that scorp and cancer is the best combo! that just shows that sometimes general assumptions aren't right. "he was the biggest liar, evil mind games and the most inconsiderate man I have ever met" - were we dating the same cancer guy?
8/7/2008 10:52:19 AM | More
cansir

not all cancer men are as yall describe. i will say that a young cancer has a hard time dealing with their emotions because they don't know how to control them. it isn't until he finally starts maturing that he can understand what is going on within himself. also, when things bother us or we have some sort of dilemma going on in our lives we need time to think about things and formulate a plan. this is the main reason we disappear.
8/7/2008 10:55:44 AM | More
ariesgirl402

mine was 36yo when he was doing all that bs there is a huge difference between disappearing and emotionally manipulating one's partner.
8/7/2008 1:19:25 PM | More
ariesgirl402

sq-agree with you. i was with mine for like 6 months. then i realized that he manipulated the timing of everything. i'm an open and honest person so i don't know how it's done really. but he knew what to say and what to do make it look like he was totally into relationship. he was making plans for the future. he said we should move in together when my lease was up. it was up and asked him then he said he doesn't want to and there is an apt in his building. then after few weeks of promising me (mind you he was pushing for me to get an apt there) he said that he doesn't feel comfortable having me in the building because i would impose on his social life. because of that i almost lost my apt and had to pay way more rent. that's only 1 example of his behavior. both of his parents passed away from differenct cancers when he was in late teens and he was mad at them and keep saying that they abandoned him.???? is that a normal reaction for a 36yo grown up male???? no!!! what was wrong with me for staying with him????
they live in their own imaginary world where they're perfect and everybody is against them.

8/7/2008 2:08:54 PM | More
ariesgirl402

don't ask why i was with him. was my 1st and last cancer. now i can recognize one on a spot. for a sign that is supposed to be the most nurturing and sensitive they sure are users and insensitive. of course, not all of them are bad!!! yes, i did feel alone when i was with him. even your guy is a cancer and he keeps going to his aries wife. i guess we should know guys moon sign to see how emotionally we're compatible.
8/7/2008 3:03:40 PM | More
ariesgirl402

it's like him promising and making plans but not following up. like he would tell me i'll call you an hour and then calls me next day telling me how much he enjoyed playing a vide o game all day and evening before. i'd tell him that he made plans with me to go whatever adn then he'd say i'd pushy.??? basically, he'd tell me anything and twist everything around to make me feel bad about myself. just felt like he knew what he was supposed to say to get me to be with him. but then he'd just disconnect and i felt that emotionally he wasn't there. like we were totally on different wave length. basically, i look back and wonder why i put myself through that. probably, i needed to have a ahole as a bf to appreciate a good guy. he was my ahole bf. my 1st and last, i hope.
8/7/2008 3:15:43 PM | More
cansir

man i stepped into a hornets nest..lol..i don't like drama and can't answer to that. there are people in every sign who create drama and cancer is no exception. everyone is different and i speak more from my experiences. yes cancers can be great manipulators especially when we want something.
8/7/2008 3:24:24 PM | More
ariesgirl402

you're right. there are bad ppl in every sign. but it seems to be a similar experience with some ppl. as i said before now i can tell someone i just met if that man is a cancer.
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