FWB - Women Can't Handle It
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|It sounds sweet, friends aaaahh with benefits, oooh!! But it turns into one of the most destructive, ego-sapping, pathetic self-denial acts one can do to themselves. |
What I experience through reading here (& other forums) & with my real life girl friends, THIS HAS GOT TO STOP!!!! I'm done with hearing about how you were fine with being friends because he told you he didn't want a relationship in the beginning even though I could see how much you liked him. How can I know this but you don't? That you didn't care what happened eventually and OOOPS you had sex and now you are in girlfriend mode. "Why doesn't he call, what did his text mean, a strange girl posted on his wall...."
Ok, fwb means that the last time you treetrunked could be your last time. It's indefinite and there is no strings attached. Hopefully you picked someone who likes you. Someone you are actually friends with but know that it won't go anywhere. It was easy for me when I did engage in it a few times. Nice guys, not great looking but cute. Men I knew I wouldn't want anything more with. Now it seems women are using fwb as an appetizer for the main course.
"I thought it would be fine but then I started to have feelings for him." AAARRGGH! I so dread that sentence.
Men can have the same reaction but I'll let them speak for themselves here and please do discuss your experiences. This is also about women and why has hooking up and fwb become the new flirting device. And I know there are women who can handle this just like I did but we didn't expect anything from it, did we?
|I have found the answer.|
Warning: Please do not click this link if you are under 18 years of age.
|It depends on the person. Sometimes I caught feelings and sometimes I didn't...I think my chemistry with the person determined a lot.|
I just don't like it when women bring all the expectations of being in a real relationship into a fwb situation. They think just because they aren't asking/seeking an official title, that making all these demands on a guy is different from the demands of a real dating relationship...when clearly it's not. If you like the dude, just admit you like him and stop tryna front that you don't....but yet you keep asking why he hasn't called. I would say that's what bugs me the most. If you caught feelings, than you caught feelings...it's OKAY, it happens!
Another thing that bothers me is how woman think that getting themselves into a fwb situation and thinking they can handle it (when they can't) somehow makes them strong independent woman. Trying to play that 'unemotional' female role doesn't make you strong, different, or independent....it just makes you look insecure. I couldn't tell you how many times I've seen women say..."Oh I'm just using him for sex" but then turn around and get mad when the guy hasn't returned her call. It's perfectly fine to be a vulnerable, emotional, and have feelings...you're human, not to mention a woman so embrace it.
Posted by katie2333
And that statement, in and of itself is sad. If that's all they think they can get, then that's all they WILL get (likely). I just don't understand desperation.
|I think it can work. I also dont think that its WOMEN who cant handle it. Some people male or female just cant handle it, some can. The ones who can handle it then go for it. The ones who cant should keep thier pants on lol.|
|Everyone gets emotionally involved to some degree if they're human. To deny that is folly. |
I had one once and, no, it's not for me. We both caught feelings but he was too adamant about keeping things open. So, while he was non-commital and unconventional, he openly expressed to me that he falls in love with all of his FWB's. I hear that quite a lot.
Posted by ninjamu
No not everyone gets emotionally involved. I have had FWB with absoloutely no emotional involvement it was basically just fulfilling a physical need, nothing more. Me and my ex were FWB but he couldnt handle it so we stayed at friends. I have also fallen for my FWB before. Just entirely depends on the situation. Everyone is different. Like I said some people can handle it and some cant. Not all sex has to be emotional. If I have sex with someone and immediately get up and leave after then there is no emotional attatchment whatsoever. To me the emotional attatchment is made if I spend the night with them talking, cuddling etc.
|So many people are afraid of being hurt. They're afraid of commitment, even though they walk around swearing on dating sites & to their friends that commitment is exactly the recipe they are looking for. So what do they do? Some consciously (and sub-consciously) go out seeking semi-commital relationships..the kind of relationships that contain & feel like a real relationship but yet is void of the actual title. |
They only think they can handle FWB b/c deep inside they are not ready for the real thing (self-esteem plays a big role too) thus they put themselves in a lose-lose situation by making the DECISION (and yes it's a decision) to invest most of their time doing the very things they want but yet can't handle persay the actual title was given. It's a mind game/trick most people have played on THEMSELVES at some point in their lives.
FWB's is a waste of time. It's a tease. People want to "play house" but yet when it's time for the real deal & conversation, 1 or both people come up short. It's a lose-lose situation. 1 or both people are almost ALWAYS left feeling unsatisfied, used and/or taken advantage of. Then by the time those harsh feelings are realized the friendship (if it even was to begin with) becomes in jeopardy. By the end of it all, both people are left with nothing...zero...And by the time they are finally ready for the real deal, they're so bitter & have been used so many times, they take it out on or have their guards up against the right/wrong person. Smh smh
We must not forget though. Some people actually CAN handle FWB. They are ok with no strings attached. They are ok with minimal commitment as long as their mindset the entire time is "what can you do for me?" or "I" I I. The minute their mindset starts transforming into the "WE" and/or "What will WE look like together?" all is lost.
Funny thing is, the solution to making sure you don't end up just the "friend" or 1 who got used, is to NOT do any/all of the things people in relationships do. If that means cuddling, STOP. If that means having sex, STOP. If that means spending all of your time with that person, STOP. If that means making the DECISION to invest emotionally in that person, STOP. It's actually quite simple
|Problem is, people pick their "friends" in the same way they'd pick a potential partner. For instance, there's NO reason you should be seeking attractive male friends with muscles, with nice jobs and/or guys who are already "your type." If you pick your friends in the same way you'd pick a potential partner, you're almost ALWAYS going to eventually end up falling for them. It's a death trap.|
Funny thing is, most guy wouldn't actually mind commiting to you gals had you played your cards right. Contrary to popular belief, men are not as afraid of commitment as they seem. They are perfectly capable of commitment, but your damn skippy they'll rob a bank if they know they'll get away with it. Men are confident that there is another female (other than you) who is JUST AS great, but yet won't give up all the goodies as quickly as you did. So what do they do? They use you up while yet waiting for the great catch who will actually make them wait/earn all the benefits. Women hate hearing it but the proof is in the pudding.
Crazy thing is, FWB horror stories are 100% preventable. People love to say, "it's easier said than done" when it's conveinant. And they're right. It's easier to man/woman up & keep your legs closed, demand your companion be down for an actual challenge and to wait.
I have only heard of 1 success story in regards to 2 people who started out as FWBs. BUT, even then, the woman was smart enough to lock up some of her goodies. At 1st he thought he was getting the entire cow for free, but she surprised his azs & made him realize that nope, he hadn't conquered all of her just yet. She gave him the sense that there were still things untouched & undone & this automatically triggered the "imagination/chase" in him. It works.
|FWB is for the truly horny ones and not for the faint of heart!|
|I've had a few in my past and it wasn't an issue. It was an up front decision that this is how it is between me and the other person since neither were looking/wanting more. When 1 moved on, they moved on.|
10+ years down the road and i am still casual friends with these men long after we all moved on.
Sex with these men was just that and vice versa. And if we weren't having that, we could still hang out as friends and just enjoy our company.
The cow quote..well there is a man quote too...'why buy the sausage if they give it out for free."
|There have been a few times when my FWB relations with someone didn't mess up anything. There's been a few times when I actually didn't develop any feelings (& vice versa). BUT, I think the key though was that I came into the situation AND continued to go about the situation with NO expectations. I set my mind to the mentality from the beginning that sex was sex & nothing more. |
And even if I felt myself starting to emotionally attach, I'd stop myself from allowing those feelings to take full form.
People say you can't control your emotions but I disagree. You absolutely can. And I say that b/c having feelings for someone is not an over-night process. It takes lots of time, conversation, energy, etc. And unless you invest in those outlets it's highly UNlikely that an emotional attachment will start.
In other words, if constant cuddling makes you more likely to start falling for someone, limit the amount of cuddling you do with them. If someone simply being sexy hot (appearance) is what draws you in emotionally, then start picking sexual partners and/or friends whom you aren't dead-set attracted to.
It's actually quite simple. It's just that people don't like setting boundaries for themselves. They only like setting boundaries & rules for others. People want the ability to control another person yet they themselves can't even master the art of self-discipline.
If I can tell that the guy I've been sleeping with is probably not gonna wife me up any time soon, I'll make sure I stop expecting him to. Once you stop expecting certain things from certain people, you won't be as upset when they literally don't give you those certain things. But to know deep down the other person is unlikely to wife you up & yet continue to invest heavily in them is a dumb move. And those who choose to do so always end up looking dumb, embarrassed & taken advantage of. Problem is, they've only got themselves to blaim (shrugs shoulders)
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