What To Do When A Man Becomes Distant
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Women are constantly wondering what to do when a man becomes distant. When a man appears withdrawn, no matter how hard you try to get closer to him, you often just feel as if things are just getting worse instead of better. However, there are some very definite steps that you can take that will draw your man closer to you instead of pushing him further away. And isn't this what you truly want to see happen?
So what is your best course of action when a man seems to be distant, inattentive, and withdrawn? Simply put, quite often our first instincts are to try to "talk" to our man about whatever is "bothering" him. So we begin to vocalize the dreaded sentence to a man, "We need to talk." This, quite honestly, makes him pull further away because he senses your neediness. Now, you may be thinking, what is needy about wanting to know what is wrong with him? The answer is not one that you might readily understand, but is one that you need to begin to embrace if you are going to draw a man in for the long haul. Anytime your feelings are contingent upon what he is feeling, then a man begins to perceive this as needy. In other words, if when a man becomes distant, you begin to feel anxious and insecure, he begins to think that your happiness is dependent upon his doing or saying certain things. This makes him feel obligated and, believe it or not, even trapped. I know, I know - it's hard to sometimes rationalize how simply wanting to talk about what is bothering him could make him experience these feelings, but unfortunately, that's exactly what happens.
So knowing all of this, what should you do? First, remain calm and peaceful and happy. This might seem easier said than done, but with a little practice, it is something that you can learn to do without much effort. Take your attention away from him and his issues and begin to focus on your life and what makes you happy. You have probably been so involved with him and the relationship that you have started ignoring some hobbies or friends. This is a good time to get back in tune with both your friends and your hobbies and start to feel like "yourself" again instead of someone who is constantly waiting to see what he is going to do.
|If he isn't calling, isn't asking you out, and has basically stopped all contact, just let it be. This is tough, but is doable if you will just remain determined to let him work through his own issues. When a man becomes distant, don't text him or call him or ask him what is wrong. There is a time to express to him but not until he returns. And even though your biggest fear is that he is gone forever, most likely, he is not. Oftentimes, when a man becomes distant, it is one of the biggest compliments a woman can receive. If you have been seeing a man and everything has been going great but suddenly he becomes withdrawn, quite likely, he is trying to get his emotions back in check. When a man begins to care about a woman a great deal, he often pulls back so that he can regain control of his emotions. In other words, you have impacted him greatly and he feels somewhat out of control when he is with you. The only way he knows to regain control is to pull away from you. Most of the time, after a little distance, he will return. And the good news is, if you handle this period of distance effectively, he will be more in love with you than when he left.|
This seems a little difficult to believe but men have verified this over and over and women whom have let him work through these emotional times on his own have often found that he returns always. Now the big question is after a man becomes distant, what should you do when he returns. This is the time that you are able to have a conversation that expresses some of what you feel.
|There are actually two ways of dealing with his return, and your own particular situation will really dictate which method might be the most effective. If he has only become withdrawn for a short period of time and this is his first time doing so, and you have effectively waited until he renewed contact, then one of the best responses is to act as if you hardly even knew he was gone. This may be tough to do, but learn to "fake it until you make it." For instance, if he calls and seems somewhat apologetic and says something like, "I'm sorry I haven't called for awhile. I've been really busy with work, yada, yada, yada," then you need to say something like, "Oh, how long has it been? I've felt so excited lately with my new yoga class (or whatever you have an interest in) that I haven't had time to think about anything else." Then, just expand on this and tell him how great you "feel." Notice you are talking in feeling messages not thinking messages. This keeps you in your feminine mode.|
Now let's say that a man has become distant and he hasn't contacted you for a month. After a while he calls and seems to think he can just waltz back in to your life as if nothing has happened. Or perhaps he has done this a time or two before. It is never acceptable for a man to play with your emotions, but we don't want to say this to him, we want to "show" him it is unacceptable. There are a couple of ways to do this.
First, you should not be available immediately when he does call. If he calls today, wait a day to two days before returning the call. If he calls and doesn't leave a message asking you to return the call, then don't. A missed call is just that-it is not a request for a return call. After waiting the appropriate amount of time to return his call, be happy when you talk to him. However, when he asks to get together, don't be available the first time and say something like, "I would have loved to go to the game with you on Friday, but I already have plans. How about we get together on Wednesday?"
|When you get together, you might just simply say something like, "I don't want to make a big issue out of this, but it makes me feel uncomfortable when I don't hear from you for long periods of time. I feel unimportant and unappreciated when you do this. What do you think we should do?" You have not berated him for his actions. You have only stated how you feel. And, you have put the problem in his hands so he can "think" about a solution. Your job as a woman is to feel and his job as a man is to think.|
Follow these simple steps when a man becomes distant and you will find that he begins to be much more open and talk to you about many things in his life. As tough as these steps may seem in the beginning, they are well worth it when you experience the results brought about by such actions.
|Here is the male perspective:|
|^ Indeed. *passes out flushable wipes*|
|I dunno, man... I'd rather speak about my problems with another guy, or at least a woman who can think BOTH like a guy AND a girl, since these types are more objective.|
Way I see it, I don't wanna talk about it if all you wanna do is talk about it.
Some peeps are so bent on becoming a"rock" they actually forget that with dudes there is that belief that in opening up and talking about a problem there is the goal of reaching a solution afterwards.
In other words, sweet nothings ("It'll be all right" blah blah) are just that: sweet nothings.
Would rather have a dude call me a p**sy. Make me hike my balls up and sh** and stop feeling sorry for myself.
|I believe that when a man is distant that the best thing is to leave them alone. Find things to do and date. The more you go after him whether it is the phone, email, texting, etc - the more they are likely to think you are not in control of your emotions - Most particularly if you are asking them what is wrong, or accusing them or anything that would put them on the defensive. It doesn't take much to put them on the defensive.|
Think about it - if you even had a friend who acted that way (bothering you) wouldn't you try to avoid them? Take a break and do some things that you enjoy and let it go. Chances are he will wonder after awhile what you are doing and how come you can just go on with your life and forget him.
You are a special person and don't forget it! Special people don't need other people to feel special.
I have a guy-friend who I had a heated discussion with and although I wrote him one email afterwards, the email was without emotion. I did not accuse him, or make any references to what he did or didn't do. He had misunderstood something I had said and the conversation got out of control - I honestly didn't understand what the argument was about but stumbled around and finally got frustrated. I wrote the email 2 days later to present what my statement had meant. Maybe an email to a sweetheart like that could be in order if you are cooled off - but to bug him or expect something from him....not cool. NEVER sound or present yourself as desperate or clingy.
|Ahhh... Rori and Christian |
What YaMama posted is actually pretty close to perfect. It just happens to be counter-intuitive to what we women have been taught and THINK is the way to deal with these happenings. The only thing I would change is the "wait to return calls" thing. Don't jump on the phone the second it rings like we did as teenagers, but don't play the "waiting" game either... games SUCK, and will backfire. Game players GET men, but rarely KEEP them... unless you're actually too busy and tired in your life to call right away.. in which case, that in itself WOULD be absolutely perfect. (It keeps a man who is waffling in indecision from getting triggered by your "neediness" and "over-availability" and will draw him closer.) But it can never be a GAME, it can only ever be for REAL, or it will blow up in your lying, faking face! Also, I would wait for HIM to ask for another date in place of the "can't make it Friday date" or for him to ASK you what other time might work better. I wouldn't OFFER another date unasked. (And it better be real and truthful that you can't make it and already have plans. Again, this is NOT about lying, faking, or playing games in any way, shape, or form. This is about getting busy with you and your life, finding and doing things that make/keep YOU happy and content, and not putting it on HIM to create YOUR happiness and balance!)
Believe me, this works. Even with the King of Indecisiveness and Hot and Cold Behavior, the Libra Male!
|"When you get together, you might just simply say something like, "I don't want to make a big issue out of this, but it makes me feel uncomfortable when I don't hear from you for long periods of time. I feel unimportant and unappreciated when you do this. What do you think we should do?" You have not berated him for his actions. You have only stated how you feel. And, you have put the problem in his hands so he can "think" about a solution. Your job as a woman is to feel and his job as a man is to think."|
I have actually done this with a guy that disappeared not in the same exact way but now I can't get rid of this dude LOL! He won't leave me alone, not in a bad way though but I'm not available but at the time when I was available I let his ass have it...Just have to put it out there sometimes, can't really lose a guy you never had in the first place.
Everyone made some really good observations especially Kris, Nefer and DY....Just flush it if you really weren't that heady over the guy in the first place if he's really someone you want to know then you must be able to express yourself in a way that doesn't make everything seem hard, this will keep from triggering his stay single emotions, as for the whole calling thing I have to say I would go with Christian's advice, yet I have to agree with Nefer game playing works short term, I'm not into the whole gaming behavior.
|Men love sports...strategical well thought out sometimes bizarre sports...games are effective, I don't play them but whose to say they don't work, they do work if done effectively/right.|
|Although I am 100% for women not putting in all the work and/or doing all the chasing when a man starts to act up, I AM however very big on communication. Sure, sometimes it seems like the best move to just pack up & walk away when the man starts to act wishy washy; and hey, sometimes that is the best policy, IF the man & the relationship/friendship you had with him wasn't going anywhere in the 1st place. BUT, what about married couples? What about those in very solid relationships? Even good men have "their moments/days" when they are confused and/or become distant, & often for reasons other than their girlfriends. Encouraging women to walk away during this time during the relationship is not always the best policy, b/c communication is even MORE important during this time, when it comes to keep the relationship held together. |
Sure, we see the every day situations where the girl is chasing the guy & doing a little TOO much to keep the guy around when he clearly doesn't see things as mutual. In this case, I would still encourage communication, BUT if effectively communicating with him is still not changing things, THEn it's quite obvious that someone in the situation (the woman) should leave. BUT, there are also some solid relationships with 2 people in them who are human & who aren't perfect just b/c they enter into a relationship. It all depends on why the man is being wishy-washy in the 1st place. If him being distant is always a hurdle a couple can't ever get over, then yes, leave the relationship. BUT, for the 1st timers that experience such a behavior in their boyfriends/spouses comes about, running like hell isn't always the best choice, especially considering you'll never know how things could've turned out had the woman just sat, been patient & thought about effective ways to communicate with her man.
It's not always about finding out what's wrong. Just b/c a woman might not know in 5 minutes what's wrong with her man, doesn't mean she should throw a tantrum & leave him. 1st she must try to identify why she thinks the man is being distant in the 1st place. If it possibly has to do with her, she should atleast stick around long enough to try to find a solution and/or see if the situation is savable. And hey, if it's not, by all means move on. BUT, if it is (and is usually is--if women would just calm down!), we'd be surprised at how many more relationships last a lot longer.
|I'm not saying a woman should accept being ignored and/or pushed away, BUt I AM saying that women should treat her man in situations like this the very way she'd want to be treated. How many times do we women have mood swings and/or times when we just want to be left alone? Of course, when we are like this, we justify our moods & our actions behind our moods, in our heads. And during this time, we HOPE that the man we are with will somehow understand and/or stick it through with us until the storm has finally passed. It's amazing that women expect for men to put up with our bull but yet when the tables are turned, women are encouraged to run like hell the minute someone ELSE is acting a certain way, just b/c it's him and not her acting up this time. |
Communication is key to every relationship. Just like with women, sometimes men are acting distant b/c they are scared, or b/c they don't know how to handle a situation. And even better, sometimes they are dealing with problems much bigger and/or with things that have NOTHING to do with his woman. For example, if a man just lost a family member/friend, he might pull away a little & distance himself from his woman. Sure, it sucks for the woman b/c her 1st instinct is to be there for him and/or prove herself during times like that. BUT, sometimes women get so self-absorbed that they forget about what's best for the MAN in certain situations, even if that means her acknowledging that her man might not handle certain situations in the way she would.
Whereas women are sometimes taught to stay in the situation & fight to the end, men are sometimes taught to remove themselves from the situation so that they can have their space and/or for whatever reasons. And particularly for the men who distance themselves for OTHER reasons (not their girlfriends), I don't think it's best to pack up & leave at this time. Sometimes a man DOES need his woman to show patience & to stick around..sometimes he DOES plan on coming back into the zone & explaining himself, BUT it may not be on her terms or in the time she feels he should. Either way, it all comes down to fully getting to know someone so that him being distant in certain situations shouldn't be a surprise, but moreso something she expects during certain times. Once she expects it, she can better prepare for it. And if she's with the right guy, he'll be back & give her even more of his heart after he sees the patience she had for him
|Well if I make up my mind to leave someone high & dry, that decision is final. Screw all the cat & mouse games. What are we, 5 yrs. old? If I have to come to the conclusion that someone is no longer right for me, I could care less WHAT they do or who they come chasing after once it's all said & done. I can't necessarily stop the other person from running after me again, BUT one thing's for sure..I def. won't be "waiting" for the other person to come back. |
My policy: If you can't handle someone not being in your life, then try to make sure that you never let them get away in the 1st place. And if your partner can't communicate their issues with you & feel the need to leave the relationship, then they can STAY GONE. I don't have times for hide & seek & all the personal validation games that people play after friendships/relationships are over. It's best to try to work all issues out before the relationship is over. And if the other person has to run like a chicken, then they are not right for me b/c it shows they lack basic communication (as uncomfortable as it can sometimes be) skills. And lack of communication (ESPECIALLY during tough times) is what strips the relationship of what made it worth it in the 1st place. Once a person chickens out, I allow them to run & stay gone.
If I'm giving someone space, it's b/c I feel it's best for them vs. only giving them space as a means to play a mind game where purposely doing so will trick the other person into running back to me. I want a man to come back to me b/c he sees me worth it, not b/c I've purposely given him space or said specific things for my own selfish reasons. Breakup just to makeup is NOT cute & it's not ideal. I encourage trying everything possible before ending the relationship (squashing unfinished business). And if the relationship is not workable, then BREAK for real (breakup). Time is too precious & limited for mind games