Why do I want to be lonely and die as early as pos

Do not think I am mentally sick or depressed! NO, I am not! I just f....d up! I also think life is not fare at all! Why do I want to be lonely?! Because I do not want to make PERSON who I LOVE THE MOST ON THIS EARTH feel bad or make him suffer as I do always! Doctors are not help for me........

why—that is sound strange......why don't you enjoy your life??you know i went throu a lot recently and i thought about that too, but that was stupid flash of anger,lonlyness and crazyness.i tried but was sorry and sober thinking after 5 minutes.thanx god i stopped soon and didn't do what i was doing,,,,,,,,,i'm a live,,,,,,,,,,and i know price now......preciouse price of life,,,,,,,,and i'm ashamed for my act....try to figure out what is wrong.talk to somebody don't keep it to yourself,please.you are not alone and not sick.you are just tired and lost a little bit.everything is in your hands,,,belive in that and everything is going to be alright....
wanna talk...just write me or answer back here
wish you best......by-by

I wish he would call me if you know what i mean! and i wish i would not be stock here forever! and i wish i would live in the same building with him some day! in different apt. because i forgot how to be next to a man! he scares me, too hot if you know what i am talking about!

A, i know what you mean. have the same situation.i wish he'll be by my side all the time, bur from other side he is a human he got people that he love and care beside me, parents,family,friends.so i'm trying to enjoy every precious moment.it will get better,i know that for sure.also his work takes a lot.sometimes it just driving me crazy,i'm getting jealous,used to cry.just tortured myself cause im need to be close,but i worked out my schedule made myself more busy,took some dance classes.i just trying to go on and don't concentrate too much.because just recently i understand that i missed just him while we was apart for more than six month.and you know it seem that he respect me more and like my independence now,maybe because i'm not bothering him while he is busy.and he knows that he can trust me.
you know that is so good that you need and love him ,it make you experience a lot off feelings and feel alive also.and deppression is because you want to show,express your feelings, and just feel him. take your time.all what you feel is so beautifull and i'm sure you are very beautifull person too.
p's you know sometimes i just close my eyes imagine him and see reflection in his eyes,but i'm not sick it just helps me to go on.
p.p.s my close friend just lost her husbund in a car accident,they just got married 1 year ago.now she struggle to stay alive,cause he was evrything for her.at this point at least i know that my baby is fine and i'll see him soon.
by-by take care ,and if you want to spill something that make you upset just write me. was pleasure to talk to you............

A, one more thing ,he'll call you.........sometimes they just do that......don't worry.and about hot thing ...
did you were with the guy?
why you are apart?
how did you met him?
tell me more ....cause you feelings seem almost like mine,,,,,
and i was thinking in a wrong way for a long time.....i was too depressed and blind, than i just talk to him and know i see everything in brite colours.....
who is taurus ,you or him?

Thanks a lot S for your lovely and supportive letter. Honestly, it made me cry, I am glad because it means i am still alive inside.For some reason I felt like you know me. Anyways...my feelings are in a very bad shape right now, I feel this constent pain in my heart...also I can't comunicate with people for some reason, its like i am losing my voice...I do not want to talk to my friends or my family, when I hear them my pain comes back! I am really trying to be nice and everything but sometimes I think something died inside of me long time ago. One thing is make me happy is that my mind is clear now but empty(that part doesn't make me very happy). I am really sorry about your friend's loss. I lost also my very best friend, exactly a year ago! He was my life but it didn't work out unfortunetly too. Did I met anybody else?! O, my god! That is all I can say for now about him. He is Taurus.How do I feel about him?! I think I am losing my mind...because I am not his type, I am complit idiot, mentaly unstable, lier and thoughts about him make me absolutely happy person.

A, i'm really glad to talk to you and maybe share some advice or experence.why do you think that you are complite idiot or something else?you know probobly when we love somebody we are a little bit blind and stupid but that is normal.back to your feelings i know that .have been there had the same feelings and problems.you know i start to write diary because i just couldn't talk to anybody. i,start to write 6 month ago and still do that. try maybe it 'll help you a little.so, he is taurus? that is cool.....tell me are your feelings mutual or sometimes like all tauruses at first, he is playing hard to get? or maybe just not open enough?
you know i'm sure that he likes you, and the rest is up to you.
good luck.........
p;s if you want to tell me more or ask me about anything , feel free.......
by-by

Happy easter! I wish that all your dreams will come true, I really do, S!
what do you mean that the rest is up to me?!he is very secretive person, i do not even know how to get in touch with him! or if he even want to see me...
I am not going to call him because he asked me not to call him so I think the rest is up to him...we both very stobborn people so it is kind of complicated...
diary is a great idea, i love dansing in front of the mirror. :-) gelousy is a horoble thing to feel, absolutely crazy and stupid feeling...i guess we just have to control ourselves and trust each other...i was not gelous with my ex boyfriend because i knew him really well...but on another hand "the taurus MAN" that i met made me really gelous because i did not know him, he is much older and just perfect and very beautiful and very smart and caring...so it was hard not to be gelous and i ruined everything because i felt in love with him just like that...i was driving him crazy because i did not know what to do...i can go on and on about that but i do not think you really need this. Tell me more about you. kiss. by sweety.

Read your sad mail with interest being an older female Taurus, with all the typical traits of taurians..... been to the depths of despair and the heights of paradise so far in my life... bit believe me, you deserve better, and will find it if you learn to lt go........
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back it's yours forever.
If it doesnt,
then it was never yours to begin with.... keep positive
Margaret

Margaret,
he is free...nothing is forever...i do not like to possess people...and you do not seem posetive yourself.
i am just a very lovely person. i deserve better?! i have no idea what are you talking about...i also learned long time ago how to let go..

S, i do not agree with M because it is unthoughtful to let go somebody you cherish...he gives me power to live on the same level as god gives you to fulfill your life

A, hello.happy easter to you too.........u know i love to dance in front of mirror too, and i just love to dance........
A. tell me how old are you?...u know i was happy to read you reply .i starting my day by checking this opinion stand......lol......sound stupid.
how old is he? why do you think you ruined it by falling in love.....— why did he asked you not to call him—??did he told you that he 'll call you —?there so many questions, and i'm glad that you can talk abut that forever.......me too.but not with everybody, and often i'm doing it in my diary......kind of strange tet-a tet.......
you know about M's opinion, abut let go somebody you love.i think she meant that, if you love and the object of your feelings need some space,or time alone.let him go, however painful it is,(thou ,it is really hard)and if after this time you love will be back, this is your love forever.the main idea don,t keep him for 5 minutes ,if he is leaving forever,sad......
but ,you know, maybe partly that is true
,,,,,it kinda cruel.....
sometimes life is cruel in the way that we can't explain..
A, i think it is too much about meanings. you know i feel so happy and this feelings sometimes the only thing that helps me through........
how did you met? you know i'm reading your thoughts, worries,feelings that he made you feel and just comparing with mine, so-long we have a lot in a common.few differences, but almost the same....
that is why i'm asking you about it so much,
A, about everyhing is up to you,,,,,you know you seem like a strong person,,so partly it'is up to you,,,,,but some times it depend on situation.so maybe now is a good time just watch and feel, and wait. wait till situation is not going to change.because sometimes you don't have another choice.
is Angelik, A, and unknown the same person? why did you change it?
did you date? for how long? why you always blaming yourself?
honey i think that you very sweat person, and you shouldn't put it all on yourself........
A i have so many questions for you.....once again you story is very familiar.......
o.k got to go,,,,,,,talk to you later
take care.kiss.
p.s do me a favor smile when you finish reading this message.think about whatever makes you laugh,,,,,,,
by-by......

one more thing.......what is your birth sign>>>——??about your taures,they always have to be in charge,,,,,especialy men.....
taures had to now that he is a leader...and they are stubborn you are right,,,,,,
in my case i'm aquarius.....and that not a first taurus that i felt close too,but this one just swept me off my feet. i kind not exactly showing it to him, still......with them you got to be secretive (a little bit, but never make him jealous)and slow, steady, not deamanding. and few more things..i'll tell you later about them,,,,,...but i'm stubborn also,so it is hard ,,,,we both stubborn.....like in your story...
o.k ,A have a nice day.....!!!!!

I DO NOT WANT TO MAKE HIM GELOUS, I JUST DO SILLY MISTAKED SOMETIMES, THEN I FEEL HORRIBLE BUT LATER TRY TO FIX THEM. i am not perfect unfortunately at all! he is 25 and i am 33, soon will be 34! no, it doesn't sound stupid, it is very seet of you! i ruined everything because...i guess you got me here 🙂he asked not to call because he do not need a nurves break down. no, he never told me he would call me...o, he will live forever, i really believe in it...i meant sometimes good feelings are not forever...o, thats probably what he thought that i need him for 5 min?! no, i am not like that, i like more "forever together thing"! i do not understand people who injoy "one night" love thing. S, i am happy that you feel happy! 🙂yes, i guess feelings help me to go on but only good feelings, i hate negate stof including gelousy. food is good too, i got some butt, sorry, summer is soon, i need to lose some, i hate diets

we met on internet, my kind brother gave me his e-mail with coment: "if you have nothing to do, write to my friend", very nice 🙂listen, is your dairy "in black and leather" ?!
yes, Angelik, A, and unknown(not all of them) 🙂 the same. i changed because : sorry, do not know, did not pay attention to my name anymore, i will try to be more stable next time 🙂we saw each other 5 times, i met him august 18, do not remember the 5th time, it was not a date anyway...i blame myself because EVA tried forbitten apple 🙂i am pisces. ok, if taurus is in charge and a leader...so who am i in this picture?

SEET, I MEANT SWEET...you see what i mean about my silly mistakes?!

P.S. NEGATE=negative
unknown=A

A, hello......
that's nice that you are pisces,,,,they are very feminene and soft by nature.......about his breakdown, nervous one,is he working a lot?what is he doing?why?that is so bad that you can't call him....you sound so much in love.......why you think you are upseting him? is he see any one? cause your personality sound great.....i mean it is nice to talk to you......
what kind of relationship it was ?your point?because you sound so passionate ......about him.from my point you age difference is nothing......and,,,,,i just don't understand why he keeps distant from you,.......i think you great woman....
my diary is burgundy and white....lol
and there a lot of thoughts feelings and different sexual and human experiences while i was away from him. cause from my point he just makes me shy and wordless sometimes..i think he got know idea what i 've been throu, what i tried in this life,and maybe without him i was more active in my relationship with people. truly i just tried to shut down memories and wanted to compare him with somebody. but you know ,there is no way to run away from yourself......
where are you from? cause first time you wrote that you are from eroupe......did you try to see somebody else.....——
i'm 21 by the way.......maybe sound too young ,but sometimes i feel like i'm 35......lolllll.that is truth......
pisces and taures usually getting alone very good.......
do you have any special interests,,,,what do you like to do.....—?
why you don't see him now? whos idea it was??i just don't understand why he giving up so easy—??did you open your feelings to him>>>>>>——?
because you sound so hurt sometimes. it's like while you writing to me you soun positive and bum negative word or sentence......that truly making me sad......by nature i wan't everybody to be happy......and in love....i just like people, especially nice people...
i think you know what i mean.......
o.k by-by hope to hear from you soon.......

one more thing i like pisces two of my best gf are pisces.......this great sign, belive me
do you like to dream—?cause usually pisces living in a dream world.....they are very beautifull and touchy creatures,,,they are stable and stron despite they feminene side,,,,and also sometimes they remind me about the princess from fairy tales , that waiting for the prince to wake them up from their sleep by sweet kiss........lol
they are also rom,antic but sometimes the idealize their loved ones......
anyway sometimes we all idealize our loved ones....and that is not exactly a good thing.....we better take them how they are.......and what they are.....
byh-by.....talk to you soon......
p.s if you will want to email me in private not here on a board where everybody is reading them......my e-mail is; your lovely baby@aol.com
take care.......and keep your head high with your beautifull smile.......

S, I DECIDED TO SENT YOU E-MAIL INSTED OF MESSAGE BOARD! BABY@AOL.COM?
WELL, IT DID NOT TAKE IT, SO I STILL HAVE THAT E-MAIL TO SENT IT TO YOU, JUST LET ME KNOW, WHEN I CAN. I STARTED FIRST TO WRITE HERE BUT AOL DIDN'T LET ME FINISH SO I GOT MAD AT AOL AND WROTE YOU E-MAIL! GOODNIGHT, SWEAT DREAMS!

A..IT IS NOT BABY@AOL.COM IT.IS -YOUR LOVELY BABY@AOL.COM........O.K HOPE TO GET IT........IF NOT I WILL WERITE YOU SOMETHING LATER........I MEAN HERE......
BY-BY.......

A. have a nice day.......byh-by..

A, where are you??how is it going.....o.k i 'll wait for your e-mail or see you here tommorow....
by-by.kiss.take care......

hey, there! i am here! well, i thought today is 18th, funny,well...this is what i have to say: i guess everyone is dealing with their feelings differently, it probably depends on many things such as believes, age and expiriense...feelinds change and people do not change...
so, as long as we talk about our feelings to men, how do you feel about him? i am sorry but it is kind of hard for me to answer to your privios questions because we are not together, it is only my fantasy world, we do not comunicate at all...i'will sent you my e-mail, i am sorry but it is not quet plesant, sorry for my mood again 🙂

S, where are you? did you get my e-mail, as you can see i have couple of screen names...you know i have flashes of him sometimes, like pictures. S, did you ever had it? how often do you see your taurus?

A...i wrote you two letters and tried to answer all you questions.....but don't know where to send it.......——?give me your e-mail address or something
got a lot to tell......and ask also......
miss talking to you.....
by-by...

BY SOFIYA, IT WAS NICE TALKING TO YOU!