Grievance over death...is it just selfishness?

Everyone loves something, and this something affects your life or your emotional stability in some way...right? Either if it's a plant, cat, or your mother, just knowing it's alive and in good health keeps you living 'normally' right? Everyone should know that death is a part of life, and it is as real as every breath we take. I spoke with a cancer friend and she balled her eyes out once she found out that her grandfather died of old age. She told me that life was hard without him being there, and we even stopped the whole going out partying on the weekends with friends because she was just soo down. I also spoke with my cousin who was a pisces that straight up told me that if his grandmother would die, forget college and everything else he'd be grieving over her like there was no tomorrow.

What is this? This couldn't be love, because if it was you'd realize that love is unconditional and goes beyond physical means. I loved my grandfather and I watched him die with my own eyes in his bed when I was 7 years old. He was the only grandfather I had and he died of cancer. What I felt then was total selfishness, because logically I'm blaming him for my tears. I'm blaming him for my heart being crushed with his death. I heard my grandmother had heart trouble and she was in the hospital and you know what I did? Cried my life away. Why? Because I needed her to be heathy so I can maintain my everyday life, that's why. I was selfish...but never once did I want her to be in that situation, and I'll never accept it. This is why attachment is soo dangerous, it's a risk you have to take if you decide to love another.

(Lol...yea. This topic is the result of an aqua thinking too much)

hmmm, I was just thinking about this when I woke up this morning.
I've come to the conclusion that love in itself is selfish. due to the fact that you place your expectations of happiness on those you care about as if it is up to them to make your world as it should be in your eyes.

yes. and if it doesn't work in your favor, heartbreak results. I really wanted you to respond Lady M, because you can see past emotion and give me the obvious answer without the heartfelt rant lol.

They all thought I was crazy when I said that grieving was selfish but they all couldn't explain to me why loving another was a bad thing then. I mean, I don't want to love you if I know you're gonna die or something and affect my life that way, you know? I worked hard to where I got, and if you're gonna come into my life and eat at my heart you're sadly mistaken. They thought I was heartless, but all I was doing was stating the obvious.

haha, well no one loves someone out of spite. Thats not the intention of love its just the by-product. Thats why people do it over and over again. Its really nice while it lasts.

I dont think you should justify not loving by refusing heartache...because you simply arent experiencing all what life has to offer....and you know aquas are big on 'the experience'.lol.

Perhaps we should all search for others who have the same idea of happiness as we do, instead of assume happiness is the same for most everyone...but of course these two should have the idea that one should seek there own happiness as oppose to rely on someone else. Two selfish people perhaps, but fighting for the same exact cause, one could definitely live with that. 🙂

by the by, Do you have these type of conversations with VE in RL...because I could only imagine. lol

"I also spoke with my cousin who was a pisces that straight up told me that if his grandmother would die, forget college and everything else he'd be grieving over her like there was no tomorrow."

uuuuuugggggghhhhhh. i don't know what i'm going to do when my gramma dies. you said you're not looking for the emotional rant, and well it's not exactly a rant, but i truly dread the passing of anyone i love. especially my grandma, because she has helped me through so much and once she's gone i don't know who i'll turn to. but there's another reason that thinking about my loved ones dying upsets me that i don't really consider to be selfish, and that's that i have come to appreciate their subtleties and ins & outs. being an atheist and existentialist, i think it's understandable why i would feel that way. once they're gone - they're gone. and there will be so many people who never got the chance that i did to experience them or to learn and grow from them. in the case of my grandma, she has been such an inspiration. she's so strong and she's dealt with so much, and even at 75 she looks young for her age and her smile is easy. people like her are the people i would want to live forever if it was possible, because so many people besides myself could benefit from getting to know her. her "essence" can be preserved in memories, but nothing compares to the real thing.

so...i'd say my reasoning is partly selfish and partly humanitarian. i think that the thought processes that enter into grieving are much more complex than to be put into the "selfish" or "unselfish" category. the obvious answer to your question of whether or not grieving over death is selfishness is that it depends on the reasons behind it.

Wheelhomies, I was just soo blinded by my own truths that I needed another opinion on the other side. I meant I didn't want anyone to throw my beliefs to the curb and scream at me for saying something like this like most of my friends did. You're right, it is reasoning behind it because, they become apart of you. When they die, it's not because you need them alive, it's because a part of you dies... but then that only supports the selfishness inside yourself because, what if you hated that person or didn't know that person? No sweat off your shouders right? So what can you call that? Feeling sorry for someone and heartbreak are two different things I'm sure it is...possibly even opposites.

Lady M, I REALLY wish I could've spoke with VE about this situation because he would've really came to the table with hard fact that would really make me think. We both have really been busy with life lately, so I hope he would see this board and respond.

Lady M: I dont think you should justify not loving by refusing heartache...because you simply arent experiencing all what life has to offer....and you know aquas are big on 'the experience'.lol.

Yes. Pain is life. No...life is how you deal with pain, you think? You can never get stronger without going through the bs that comes with growth. "No pain, No gain".

Which is?

there is this girl in the marines who knows my husband (a marine). Her boyfriend died cause he was also a marine and he was deployed. So this guy was killed. My husband has also delt with someone close to him dying. He wants to help this girl but she unfortunately has "scary feelings" for him as she has stated in a text message I saw.

She texts him all the time and seems to be in love with my husband. o_O However, he said they are only friends.

Now pushing that dilemma aside.

How do you effectively help someone who is dealing with the loss of a boyfriend or girlfriend who needs to be loved and cared for.

I know that everyone needs to be cared and loved for. That is a part of every human being. However, I don't want her to fall for my husband like this. It is not healthy when he is obviously committed to me.

He deals with her on a daily basis. However, what she really needs is a support group, not my husband. She also needs a close girlfriend. Not close guy-friends. If you know what I mean.

I do feel sorry for her just as much as my husband. However, I would like to know how to help her.

Anyone have any tips.

Why is it selfish to grieve for someone who you miss? I never understood why people say that it's selfish. It means I miss them in my life, isn't that a testament to how important their presence was? I want people to grieve my demise but not to the point that it hurts them. But I do want people to miss me, is that selfish of me? If you haven't touched people in your life or did things that were important to them, then really, what was your life about? What is your legacy if you even have one?

No, grieving for someone is not selfish at all. It conveys how important the relationship you had with them was. Honor it and remember what they gave you, grieving is part of that process.

Yes...Aqua duck that's exactly what I mean. The one who was alive that you grieve over most likely didn't want you to feel bad when they died, so reguardless of what level of grieving you're in you would've always been better off if they still were alive. Pain is there because they are not there. Why aren't you happy when they die? Why don't you go and celebrate the death of a family member by going to a club, drink stupid till you pop, wake up with three women in your bed, and go bragging about it at work the next day? Think about it this way, and I only come up with only one answer...