I need some advice on my cancer man!

Hello folks,
Im completely new here, Id like to say I love this forum and think your all super when it comes to dishing out the advice. I was in a relationship with my guy for about 3 and half years. he pursued me, fell in love with me.....but we had our problems. He is 11 years older too. I always found him so awkward to get along with, a loner really but enjoys the company of others when hes having a beer or 4! He also seems to suffer from depression, but trys to hide it. He can be very argumentative and opinionated, and it feels like he does it just for the hell of it at times. All of that said and done i love this guy with my hear and soul. We broke up, he said he didn't love me anymore. I was heartbroken, I tried over the last year and a half to get him back a few times, all to no avail. However in the time we have been broken up, we still see each other, even having sex of occasions, yeah i kno....im crazy! lol. He keeps the contact going, as do I. He thinks i cheated on him, he broke up with me, told me to move on, constant rejection! So i started seeing someone else, a rebound thing which ran its course. He seems to angry and annoyed about it. In the last month he has started to pursue me again, with vigor! He confessed he still loved me, and we have been spending quite a bit of time together. But he is blowing hot and cold, telling me im too good for him, he doesn't want to mess my head up and we should just be friends. When I agree to this, he comes at me again, wanting to spend time with me!!! My head feels like its going to burst, and the confusion is driving me nuts!! I never cheated on him but he does not believe me, this seems to be the crux of our problems, the more I try to convince him, the guiltier I look, i think! He is a cancer man on the cusp of gemini i think, born 22/7/65, I'am a Pisces woman born 06/03/76. Any advice will be greatly received, thanku 🙂

Posted by Koniucha
Have you discussed your feelings with him?

I shied away from it to begin with since I had been rejected so many times in the past, I guess I started walking on eggshells a bit, not wanting to rock the boat!! I soon grew tired of this tho. A lot of our communication was done through texting, yes at our age!! crazy! We had the chat, through texts on Sunday, him saying hes not sure if he can give me what he wants, i deserve better and what not, I agreed that indeed I did deserve better, as i was quite annoyed with him. Then all of a sudden hes coming at me again, so comes to mine that night and I told him straight, If your with me, then ur with me, if not, just leave me alone, I cannot be doing with this hot and cold stuff. He stayed that night, left early for work next day and i have not heard from him since. I should add its quite normal not to hear from him for a few days. In the past this has made me needy and clingy, I've done the text terrorism lol. However now, i refrain from it, and he always contacts me. :O

Posted by aquavita2
hahaha text terrorism I love that lol. u r a cool girl . if a person suffers from depression all these moods are to be expected and u can be either an uplifting factor or someone who falls In depression herself as well as u can just walk away . it is all up to you

Haha Im sure we have all been there at some point eh? lol. Yes I wish I could just move on and forget about him, wouldn't it be great? I cant tho, we do have a deep connection, we have been through a lot together. During the break we had from each other, I done a lot of introspection, had a good look at me and done some self help stuff, through this I realized I was not in a healthy state of mind. So have been working on myself in all sorts of positive ways, learning to love myself and being happy from the inside out and all that stuff. Im currently trying to meditate, i say trying as i find it quite hard to shut my chattering mind up lol, practice 🙂 Through doing these things for myself I come to realist hes not in a healthy frame of mind, and I feel kinda helpless, what can I do? Weve got to help ourselves right?

This guy is either messed up or is just playing you for a chump. When a man plays the hot & cold game, that is your cue to run for the exits! Seriously. Only 2 kinds of men play this game - highly insecure men (who need an ego boost usually from more than 1 woman at a time) or players (who like having more than one chick on the line). And the insecure ones are actually worse than players. A player is often a good guy in disguise whose fishing for "the one." An insecure guy is afraid of commitment and doesn't know what the fuck he wants. He doesn't want to commit to you but he doesn't want to let you go. They're also worse than players because they pretend to be all about you and say everything you want to hear until they win you over. Then they start withdrawing and the games begin. Then it ends with one of you breaking up with the other. A man whose truly invested in a woman wouldn't dream of playing these games. You don't need this drama and it's not going to lead to "happily ever after." Cut bait & swim. You won't experience this indecision or confusion over a man whose truly right for you.

"He keeps the contact going, as do I. He thinks i cheated on him, he broke up with me, told me to move on, constant rejection!" Honey if this were true he'd be all up in your shit outta jealousy. This is just some crap he's telling you to get you back on the hook. Been there. Done that. This move is so obvious and yet we fall for it over and over again until we wise up.

Indeed he is an insecure guy! He has a few failed relationships under his belt, as do many of us. He grew up in a home where his dad was very abusive to him and his mum, this has defo effected him. He will talk about it to me in dribs and drabs. He was very close to his mum who died a few years ago from cancer. I know he misses her dearly. He has a grown up son who he has not seen for quite some time, and this is also affecting him. A stone mason to trade who works for a crappy company cutting grass, this for him is quite soul destroying. All of these things factor in to his state of mind and i feel the guy is stuck in a rut and does not know how to claw his way back out.
He stayed over last night and we had a lovely evening chatting and laughing about silly stuff. He is still making a huge effort with me, which is great, im loving him being carefree for once. Im leaning back when it comes to the relationship, im no longer chasing him, which i think was just freaking him out. I don't think men like their women to be masculine, and that's exactly what you are when your chasing, that's his job. This leaning back stuff can be hard, when your impatient like me. Im learning to embrace my feminine energy!! lol. thank you so much guys for the comments 😄

Ok so telling him didn't work so show him. Show him vulnerability and all of those things that make you cringe. It may cause a shift in his mindset. But also he sounds very much broken and may need some time to fix himself.

Posted by StarMooney
Ok so telling him didn't work so show him. Show him vulnerability and all of those things that make you cringe. It may cause a shift in his mindset. But also he sounds very much broken and may need some time to fix himself.

I shall try starmoonie, its quite difficult for me to be vulnerable in front of him now. i think you hit the nail on the head, I just hope he is not broken beyond redemption. thanku 🙂

I think the biggest thing he needs right now is your vulnerability and deep love. Sounds like the man needs to be loved and needs to learn how to give love. He will learn from you and follow suite. It's amazing how much people change and stop going through unnecessary suffering once they know they are loved, cared for and thought upon. And I know it's hard to demonstrate that, especially as a woman and amidst all of the confusion, but if you're looking for a solution that will do it. He will probably surprise you with the way he comes out if that shell and gives you what you want and need. And if he doesn't, leave him alone to his healing and move on. And btw, this show of love MUST be blatant, nonconfusing and be BOTH physical and verbal. Most people, especially cancers, wait for the absolute greenlight before they go all in.

Thank u for such insightful advice! It really made me stop and think. I think Ive put a few guards up where he is concerned due to all the past rejections, or which I have perceived to be. Im learning how to be vulnerable, and I hope to show him this side of me over time. Perhaps he will show me his too. x

Great, give us an update if anything changes