mixed messages from a cancer man. what now?

A cancer man that I had a previous social relationship for over five years recently:


1.Gave me a hug that he never gave me before. This hug/thrust grip thing was full of such passion, I think I'm pregnant. 🙂 He told me that I smelled good while we were embraced.

2. Came to my event and bought me flowers.

3.Gave me three full lipped kisses with suction on my cheek after my event was over.

4.Upgraded my previous platonic invite from tea to dinner. Prior to this "date" he asked me, what kind of food I like and where I like to go to eat. When we did meet he brought his four year old nephew to dinner without letting me know.

5. Changed from calling me "sis" to calling me "love."

6.Seemed to have alot of nervous energy when we spoke on phone.

7. After all this he said he saw me as a sister.

8. recieved a letter from me telling him that I heard his words but his actions dont match and that I am hurt and sad because I feel lead on.

9. Responded to this letter a bit on text but mostly in person. We had a conversation where he took a defensive stance and justified all his actions and basically said he's not conscious of his actions that this is just how he is. Some justifications were lies and its not how he is because I was never confused before. In the past, all interactions were clearly platonic.

10.Tapped me on my shoulder from behind to get a hug while I was talking to another man (platonic) three days after the defensive conversation. He later walked away from this brief encounter with the statement, "let me know if you need anything."

11. Posted this message on FB after I hung up the phone with him: When it comes to love and relationships it really is abt the energy that two people bring out of one another. And when they agree to love and uplift that energy, its a beautiful divine thing!

This whole situation is whack but I feel like he is protecting vulnerability.
He still hasn't apologized nor owned that he sent me a sexual vibration. Vibrationally I felt sex and a romantic interest. I'm an Empath. I can feel emotional vibrations. He is very aware of this.

Funny thing is, I think about him everyday. See his name here and there. I didn't like him before all this and I was intrigued during the process. This all took place in 2 month period.

We have many many people in common. So I dont want discord. Not 100% sure how to proceed.

Please provide some insight. Thanking you.

I am a Scorpio woman.

Posted by MoonBunny

Posted by thesparkler

8. recieved a letter from me telling him that I heard his words but his actions dont match and that I am hurt and sad because I feel lead on.

Listen to what he says.
Ignore what his actions or expressions tell you.

click to expand

No offense, but that's bull. Part of the problem to begin with is that his actions are NOT matching up with his words. When a person is naturally genuine, BOTH their actions AND their words will match up.

I think you need to stop over-analyzing everything too death. Some of the things this guy has done/said to you are things that alot of men in platonic friendships say to the women that are platonically "just a friend." From what you've shared, it doesn't seem like the bulk of what he's been saying, doing or expressing to you was a hint that he was serious about you.

Any man can kiss/fondle another woman; that doesn't mean anything. It's what they DON'T do sometimes that tells the true story. This guy admitted to you that he sees you as like a "sister." In other words, he may like you BUT not ENOUGH to where you'd be considered "girlfriend/commitment material." And from what you've shared, his actions clearly reflect that he was dead serious about not being super serious with you. Over time, that could change, BUT as of right now, this guy seems to be doing everything he can to make sure you don't get the wrong impression. The min. he senses that you're starting to attach, he takes a few steps back. Welp, that's what men do (and are supposed to do) when they can see a woman going in a direction that they're not yet ready to go in.

I'm assuming that this guy is a grown man so I hope you didn't believe him (b/c trust me he didn't believe himself either) when he told you that all his decision are made on an unconscious level therefore he shouldn't be held accountable. That's the silliest thing I've ever heard.

He very well may be protecting his vulnerabilities and pride, BUT so what?! It's NOT your job to try to make a man ready or face something he's not yet ready to face.

Sometimes we have to acknowledge that just b/c we see stars when we see someone doesn't mean that things will be the same way the other way around. Not every man will see every woman as a great catch (relationship-material wise) even though most women might think they are. Particularly, the men that are emotionally unavailable tend to leave women feeling helpless & second-guessing/doubting themselves all b/c in reality, the MAN is the 1 who isn't ready for a good thing.

If he's not feeling you in the same way you're feeling him, accept that. Don't try to force things or analyze everything conveinantly in a way that will allow you to make excuses for him. Don't start the "feeling bad for him" or "want to save him" syndrome that alot of women have when they're in situations like this. Take things for what they really are.

He's made it clear that he's not looking for the same things that you are and/or that he's not going at the same pace that you are, so instead of over-analyzing it or arguing with that fact, just accept that & either keep patiently waiting OR move on. You're probably a really good catch, BUT a man whose emotionally unavailable and/or a man whose NOT ready to face his inner insecurities/demons won't ever really be able to clearly see or appreciate a good catch. Instead of staying around & waiting on him to change his mind or somehow see you in a different light (which may never happen) go back to focusing on you. And don't let him back into your life in that way again until he's fully ready to start living by the rule all other humans aren't exempt from (being accountable for their actions)

Don't EVER let a man or ANYONE convince you that it's OK for their actions not to match up with their words. That is NOT ok.

KrysRENEE! Thank YOU! Thank YOU! Thank YOU!
I needed to hear some real talk.
I really value what you wrote.

Truly. Truly.

I am focusing on me.
I am so not interested in saving him. I dont have the energy nor want to spend it. I have too much life to live.
I know I have that pattern of wanting to save people from suffering.

I am not really clear if I really like him all like that. I think about him quit often though...weird. I was intrigiued by all the good energy and we do have a alot of synergy but I am not willing to parent him at all.

I am signing up to be with a grown man. Indeed.

I believe I made him feel vulnerability/loved in a way he needed and he sent it back to me with a romantic energy. My love was free and unattached.

We do have many people in common and a lot of overlapping circles so I will see him and have seen him (once since everything). And no I do not believe he was unconscious of his actions because he is a teacher. He has to be conscious.

I am absolutely a good thing! A GREAT thing! AWESOME!
I deserve emotionally availability.

Thank you so much for your realness krysrenee.
Deeply appreciated.

I am not waiting. I forgive him. It was too much weight to stay angry and hurt.
I want good for me and him. I have compassion.

FYI His body is nice. His touch was needed but I know what I deserve. I am in the market for a husband.

Thank You Moon Dancer!
No matter what, it is not okay for him to do what he did and not own his actions.
Lets say I did misconstrue what he did, His reaction should have been apologetic.
But it wasn't, it was defensive. I caught him lying. Im clear he is protecting his heart and at this point this is nothing I am willing to do to change that.

Been there. Done that.
Not willing to MAKE an emotionally unavailable person....available.
That is his journey.

Honestly, I think about him though and will see him around.

Again, we have been in the same social circles for years.


At this point, I want no discord.
I asked the mediator can we do a conference call where I tell him I want good things for him and that all is well. My only boundary is no hugs. I let it go. Forgive but haven't forgotten.