Hi can you all advise me on this Cap man please?

Hi Caps,
This is my first post so forgive me if I ramble, but I'm a Gemini and I'm told that's what we do sometimes.
My story starts 20+ years ago when I was 16 and my Cap was 18. We started dating just a few months before he left for Army boot camp, and things were good except that we lived in different towns and could only see each other maybe once or twice monthly IF his mom said he was available. Before he left, he came to see me and brought a friend along with him. Friend seemed nice enough and ended up dating my best friend for awhile until she moved out of state. Fast fwd to mid July and my Cap has left for the Army. He wrote often except when he was busy with his training as to be expected. He came home for a visit in December and everything seemed just fine between us. He left again for his new duty station in Germany and despite my regular letters, I didn't hear from him for over a year. When he did finally contact me, he just apologized and said that he just kept in touch with people by phone instead of writing. I didn't have a phone so I guess I was just out of luck? Anyway, while he was calling people, I was very insecure and started hanging out with you guessed it, the friend, and we became pretty tight. Well my Cap came home to visit again and other than saying he was at fault for not keeping in touch, he didn't appear to be very bothered by it. He wasn't bothered by me hanging out with the friend either. He goes back to Germany and for a few months he's good about keeping in touch with me. BTW the friend has left for the Air Force by this time too. So I'm by myself and my Cap has fallen off the radar again. The friend did not fall off the radar however, and being the insecure, impulsive kid I was, I listened to every little sweet nothing he whispered, and fell for it hook line and sinker. To Be Continued.......

I ended up making a very thoughtless, childish, impulsive decision that I had no business making as a naive, "head in the clouds" 17 year old and married the friend. My home life was pretty unstable and when he offered me an out I took it, thinking that "love" would keep us together. I had no way to contact my Cap except to write him a letter so that's what I did. I felt like a skeez or doing this, and still feel regret today. The friend and I were together for nearly 19 years and this marriage was a nightmare. I left him a little over a year ago. Well as fate or coincedence would have it, it's 3 months ago and my son and I are up in the mountains enjoying a day out together as we often do and lo and behold, IT'S MY CAP!!!! He and I had been living in the same state just two hours apart for 4 years!! At first he didn't recognize me, but eventually he did and remembered me. We exchanged phone numbers and began texting daily, just getting reaquainted with each other. After about a month, I drove up to see him and we had breakfast together and he gave me a tour of the county. I've not been this happy in a very long time just spending time with a man and no pressure to be somebody I'm not. The interest was mutual and we agreed to a second date very soon. To Be Continued.......

Well, we have been texting and calling each other every day if even just to say hi. He even started calling me pet names like "dear, darling, and sweet pea". We both have iphones and in a text one night, I invited him to download an app that acts like a walkie talkie so we could have another method of communication in between seeing each other. Then out of nowhere, he goes "So you did marry "M" huh?", and I responded "yeah, BIGGEST mistake I've EVER made in my entire life! I thought we had established this already?" No reply from him for about 5 minutes, then he replies with "Sorry to hear that. I'm sorry but here's the "lets just be friends" speech." I was shocked and replied with "I thought maybe there was a reason that we ran into each other again after all these years. I guess I was wrong. Merry Christmas and happy birthday, goodnight." He has not spoken to me for 2 weeks and ignored the couple of texts I sent him on his birthday. I honestly thought he remembered me and so he knew that I married "M" but that we split!! I never meant to mislead him in any way whatsoever, but I guess the joke's on me for assuming that he really did remember! Things were so great and we clicked again immediately! I have developed very intense feelings for him and I would like to do things right this time but he wont give me the time of day. I'm absolutely heartbroken, and havent been able to stop crying and thinking about him for more than five minutes. So what do you think? Has he frozen me out for good or should I just give him time? Did he know all along and he was just getting his revenge letting me develop feelings for him only to drop me? I'm so hurt and confused I don't know whether to try to get over him and move on or risk another rejection and try to talk to him. Thoughts anyone? Everyone?

Honestly you did the right thing by marrying a man that wanted to marry you, nightmare or not he wasn't the one that disappeared on you.

The cap never indicated in anyway he was going to marry you or even wanted to be exclusive with you, he fell off the face of the earth for a whole YEAR, well hell what does he expect for you to do, what would have been thoughtless is to wait on a man that isn't even around. Don't make apologies for getting on with your life and please don't feel bad about marrying someone that wanted to marry you, men know if they don't step up then the risk of losing a woman is very high, he lost. Now he's punishing you for getting married to a mutual friend....RUN! Let him stay gone too, don't chase after him and make apologies for marrying nor making a mistake, it was your mistake to make and you shouldn't have to apologize for it.

The reality is he wasn't serious about you 20 years ago, he blew you off, he made it appear as if not contacting you was no big deal, he even said he kept in touch with people via phone and I'm sure if you had mutual friends he could have arranged it that you both could talk on the phone over a friends house/pay phone or *drum roll* he could have continued to write you if he was serious about you, the mere fact that he discontinued writing says he lost interest and his behavior towards you and the friend also back up the claim that he lost interest b/c he never indicated he was bothered and IMO he still not serious about you, he used you marrying M as an OUT and now he's gone, if your smart you'll take his behavior into consideration. Would you really want to be involved with a man that uses the silent treatment as a form of punishment? Probably not.

Your marriage to "M" is none of his business! And you don't deserve to be freezed out over making a decision about your life.

I think you telling him marrying M was a mistake made him feel he still had some kind of an emotional hold over you so like in true Cap fashion he disappeared, the dark heart type Caps do that, they punish and control and do things on there own terms, a more evolved Cap would communicate.

I'm not sure why you've developed intense feelings for a stranger but maybe you should take a STEP BACK and look at how he treated you in the past, he didn't have intense feelings then and he still doesn't, stop allowing this guy to yank your chain and pull your strings.

The cap really didn't deserve knowing you married, he wasn't even a part of your life and there is no reason to feel like a skeez, he bounced on you, life goes on, people get married, the world keeps turning. You most likely felt deep feelings for him and all those feelings have surfaced but look at HIS BEHAVIOR. Did he appear to be as hot and heavy over you as you are over him in the past and if so what changed? Clearly he was willing to keep in touch but was he saying anything that indicated he wanted to marry you, share a life with you 20 years ago? My point is to shift you out of feeling panicked over his silent treatment and take a step back and put things into REAL perspective.

Most likely you'll realize he wasn't that into you in the past least not enough to STICK AROUND AND STAY, KEEP IN CONTACT and he probably still feels the exact same way, he sure didn't hesitate to exit out of your life fast and that is way more important than you getting on with your life and marrying someone else, you should take his behavior into consideration. Would you want to date someone that isn't considerate about your feelings? You are supposed to get married, that is what normal people do and if your marriage was a disaster well try to keep that to yourself until you are completely sure you can trust a man with your heart.

Posted by moodyone31
Well, we have been texting and calling each other every day if even just to say hi. He even started calling me pet names like "dear, darling, and sweet pea". We both have iphones and in a text one night, I invited him to download an app that acts like a walkie talkie so we could have another method of communication in between seeing each other. Then out of nowhere, he goes "So you did marry "M" huh?", and I responded "yeah, BIGGEST mistake I've EVER made in my entire life! I thought we had established this already?" No reply from him for about 5 minutes, then he replies with "Sorry to hear that. I'm sorry but here's the "lets just be friends" speech." I was shocked and replied with "I thought maybe there was a reason that we ran into each other again after all these years. I guess I was wrong. Merry Christmas and happy birthday, goodnight." He has not spoken to me for 2 weeks and ignored the couple of texts I sent him on his birthday. I honestly thought he remembered me and so he knew that I married "M" but that we split!! I never meant to mislead him in any way whatsoever, but I guess the joke's on me for assuming that he really did remember! Things were so great and we clicked again immediately! I have developed very intense feelings for him and I would like to do things right this time but he wont give me the time of day. I'm absolutely heartbroken, and havent been able to stop crying and thinking about him for more than five minutes. So what do you think? Has he frozen me out for good or should I just give him time? Did he know all along and he was just getting his revenge letting me develop feelings for him only to drop me? I'm so hurt and confused I don't know whether to try to get over him and move on or risk another rejection and try to talk to him. Thoughts anyone? Everyone?

see as a capricorn when you told him you married the other dude you hurt him more than you know just give him time hell come back just have faith do you he mad cause he though you would have understood that he was trying to make a life for you and him and really he just mad at himself for personal reason unknown and he is not gonna tell you ........................ RNS being str8 up to us is the key by you saying you were married him that all he could see just stay prayed up and keep him in your prayers he will come back ............. But here your warning do not bring up old

Thanks Tiki for putting things into perspective for me. I really appreciate it.
Thanks to others who put their .02 in as well. So should I just maybe write him a letter putting it all out there or
just let him be? This would be for me so I don't have any regrets later on, and since he won't answer any of my attempts to text, I guess this is my only option.
Like I said, I'd like to try and work through this with him, but I'm not going to beg, ya know?

Nope no letter, stop chasing the guy, he'll continue to ignore you eg run, let it rest, you did nothing wrong, you were all teenagers back then, you did nothing wrong, he lost you because of his choice to lose you, he's choosing to lose you again (again his choice). You don't owe him anything, not even an apology, he got a letter 20 years ago stating you were getting married, well he didn't DO anything about that so he lost and if he chooses to lose again well that's on him. You don't need to grovel to regain his attention, let him go if he wants to go.

If you have to "try" to fix it then it's not salvageable only because it takes 2 people to fix an issue, you can't fix it all by yourself and plus you didn't say or do anything wrong really, he just chose to drop out of your life again like he did in the past. You really have to shift the focus off of how much you like him and look at how inconsiderate he's being, he dropped OFF the face of the planet just like that and that is not someone you can trust your heart with. He's gone and that's no different than what he did 20 years ago but this time he's playing a mind game about you getting on with your life, STOP FOR A SECOND AND THINK. He dropped you in the past and he's dropping you now, doesn't matter why.

Don't be desperate by continuously trying and trying to fix and to chase him down via text or any other form of communication or you'll set things up were you have no power in the relationship and he's running the show. You've text'd him already, leave it alone, he'll come back without you trying to convince him to come back, go back to whatever it was you were doing before he showed up, get on with your life, if he was meant to be in your life he'll be there without you having to say or do anything to convince him. Focus on healing from a failed marriage, focus on you because at the day that's the only person who won't leave, you are all you have, people come and they go. He came and he went, that's what some men do and there is nothing you can do to change or control that.

If you care about him then let him go, he'll come back if the feeling is mutual.

Moody,
As A Capricorn let me tell you that Hanging out and MARRYING the FRIEND was a BIG MISTAKE Indeed! We See that As Ultimate Betrayal. Tiki is giving you her perspective which is NOT through the eyes of a Capricorn but more of a WOMAN Taking Control of Her Life Actions Way. Nothing is wrong with her Opinion at ALL, I respect her and her opinion. BUT I am not gonna give you any FALSE Messages. The Fact that you actually hung out and married his friend is like a SLAP in the face to the Capricorn regardless if you guys lost contact or not he WILL See it as that. I don't condone him falling off the radar either but As A Capricorn I can say GUILTY! It didn't mean he wasn't interested in you or any speculatory reasoning and we really can't say what it meant since we aren't in his head to know his motives BUT again Speaking as a CAPRICORN-I'd say the reason he was receptive to you in the mountains was due to the fact he remembered you and the friendship and then it suddenly occurred to him "dang, this is a NO GO she chose my best friend". To Us Anyone Who would show any sign of betrayal or not loyal to us is like DANGER and we move far away from DANGER. I know you are having some intense feelings for him and all but I would suggest you give him time to forgive and heal because I can tell you I KNOW that had to STING and HURT! Been There Done That Wore the T-Shirt! As In Something Similar happened to me and I know I wasn't all Yippee to see the person who had betrayed me in a similar fashion. In fact I was totally disgusted by the fact that they thought something could emerge. I was cordial to them but I didn't FORGET. I hope for your sake your situation is Different and that this guy will come back to you! Good Luck!

Three thoughts. I'm a cap female.
1. Yes, marrying the best friend. Slap in the face.
2. The biggest mistake EVER, should have been not waiting for him.
3. Perhaps he now see's you as off limits. Caps are very loyal to their friends and now you are the friend's ex.

Just sayin'

Hi again all, thanks again so much for the kind and sensible/logical advice. It's been nearly 6 weeks now since I have heard from "Mr.Cap" and while I'm still very hurt and confused about the way he dissappeared on me AGAIN, I guess there really is nothing I can do. I still wonder what he was texting back to me before he deleted it, but I guess that's just another one of the many "WTH" questions I may never get an answer to. I've started writing him a letter explaining how he made me feel and how hurt I am, but I'm afraid to send it to him, only to have him reject me again. Looks like I have no choice but to just let him be for now and hope that all of the sweet and caring things he said to me were true. If they were real, then he'll contact me again sometime.If not, then I guess I have my answer. Thanks again. :-)

Posted by cowpuncher

Posted by truecap
Three thoughts. I'm a cap female.
1. Yes, marrying the best friend. Slap in the face.
2. The biggest mistake EVER, should have been not waiting for him.
3. Perhaps he now see's you as off limits. Caps are very loyal to their friends and now you are the friend's ex.

Just sayin'

Very good point on #3 normally, though in this case I don't think it's loyalty to that friend... since he probably would feel betrayed by that friend.

Moody, put things in perspective here:
This Cap took off and didn't even bother communicating with you for a year. If the guy really cared much about you at all, he would have done better than that. Yes, he may feel betrayed or upset that you married his friend... but after leaving you hanging and not communicating for that year, does he really have any right to be upset that you would pursue a relationship with any other man? No.

I wouldn't put any of my eggs in this guy's basket if I were you, and I wouldn't really give him any further consideration either. Just move on and forget him. I'd still be too ticked off about that year he didn't write, but kept in touch with others via telephone to even give him more than a friendly "Hello, nice to see you, goodbye now."

click to expand

+1 cowpuncher

I would encourage you to move on Moody. As for the letter you might send, why try and put in so much effort when he's never really tried not now or 20+ years ago. Don't allow him to continue to reject you, you deserve more from a man, you deserve to be with someone who is dependable and his disappearing act says he's not a dependable person, he rejected you 20+ years ago and he's rejecting you now, the reason doesn't matter, what matters is that you don't hang around/hang onto someone who isn't serious about you, he dropped off the face of the planet 20+ years ago and he's doing it again. Why would you expect anything different from him? His relationship pattern is the same now as much as it is 20+ years ago.