ice

"Umma noo goo yeuh suh?"

"Nee umma nihn ccham yaepo suh."

My mother used to wake up 5 hours before my dad to put on makeup. To look just right and flawless. My father didn't understand why she did but it was obviously for him. She'd prepare his breakfast meal every morning, right before he woke up. To him she was the perfect woman. My mother never complained about his choices. Ever. "I miss her." he said in korean. His head drooped as tears trinkled down his face. I looked away, to face him would make him feel more pain I thought.

"You know, I care about you while step mommy care about Helen and Steve."
I nodded.
"Sometimes I wish it wasn't like that. It hurts me a lot."
I proceeded to just nod. I told him I already knew.
"We know but we never say anything."

We're not a family.
But this is the closest thing we got right now... and yet in that sense, it's still pathetic.

Everyday he'd stay by her side. Sleep in bed with her at the hospital. This went on for 2 years. His buisness was slowly deteriating, and towards the end going totally bankrupt. but one day my aunt was coming from korea and she told him to rest. To leave, to go home and stay by your daughter. So he did. But when he did, few hours later she died.

I really hate seeing my dad cry, you want to say something but you know you can't. It's affected both of us. She clung onto him, telling him to take care of me and promise her to give me the best of life. He cries because he already knows he has dissapointed her.

After my mother's death, which was when I was 7, my mom's mother wanted to control our family. But my uncle discussed with my dad about how he wants his mother to stay with him. So my father asked my grandmother to live with my uncle, that he doesn't want her to control us. She was outraged. The entire family came and my uncle acted as if nothing happened. I hate families, they're never honest.

After the dispute my mom's family never wanted to see me again, why? Because I defended my dad. I yelled at them to back off. I cried though, when I shouldn't have. I begged my grandmother to stay when I shouldn't have. They took all my mothers belongings and I never saw them again. Good-treetrunking-riddance.

I never cried at my mothers funeral though. When you're that young you think your mother is always there. Her casket was open, I gently ran my hand over hers. It caused me to jolt back from feeling the stiffness of her hands. Cold as ice.

People found it so strange that I had the ability to still put on a smile. Sometimes I wish I could remember why I never cried, too.

I got a new so called mother few months later. I never really understood how he could get a new wife so suddenly... until now. They were just buisness partners you could say, helping one another to maintain their own seperate lives. Their own hardships. My step mother focused on her children(step brother and sister are both 27-30 right now.) while my dad on me.

"Something always block us. There's always a wall." he said. And it's true. I don't hate her. But she's the closest thing I've got to what a mother is. Even though it's become just a status. My step mother would always get mad at me because I'd prefer to sleep with my dad, not in my room. She'd shoo me to go sleep in my room but I'd grab my dad and pull him to my room. Her jealousy made me compete with her. And that's how everything fell apart between her and I.

My dad strived for me. The buisness was already dead and we went bankrupt. The house we lived in, the house my mother picked for us is just a memory now.
They'd work all day and come home late at night while I stayed home alone with 'caring' nannies. I rebelled against them, knowing they only sought after money. I guess that's when I started to build that wall.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a burden on everyone. I'm like a parasite in everyo

Perhaps you are a bigger person than all of them, and you stand taller than all of them, In your heart you know you what you are. You can only live your life and no matter what you must live that life for you. No one has the right to expect anything else its your life not theres.

You're right. I know I'll rise in any given situation, but I also know my choices affect my surroundings. Cause and effect which turns into effect and cause.

My life given from another. Perhaps we only react not create.

Well, the fact that they took all her materialistic posessions didn't upset me. It's the fact that they had the audacity to abandon my dad and I. Her possessions mean nothing when it's been taken for unjustified reasons, ya know?

A person must always walk further, otherwise what's the point? There's always something in life that impacts a person, it's always that certain something.. that one thing that keeps reoccuring which makes a difference. Negative or positive, it still flows with the current. But in these cases, I wonder if this event was only suppose to be held in the past or I am to complete this chapter and bring on a new by engaging with them once more.

Ha. I guess it's all up to me -salutes-

dear luz,
sometimes people say and do things in the heat of the moment that just don't make sense to others and really are just knee jerk reactions to situations. they were hurting so they hurt back. you really answered your question in your last post..which really hit me like a ton of bricks, and i realized alot about life in that one statement: a person must always walk further. always a certain something that keeps reoccuring. negative or positive, it flows with the current.....do you hold it in the past or engage it once more to try and solve and/or resolve it. so yes, it's up to you. if you don't confront it though, will it, as you say, keep reoccuring until you do? i think so. i always try to be the bigger person. not as a weapon, but as a healing for myself. i think you know what to do.

It's good to know that I have affected you somehow. Makes me feel like I'm putting SOME good use on this board, eh?

And yeah, I do know what to do now.

good