The Gemini B*stard

Relationships just don't hold much appeal for a Gemini b*stard. The hours are terribly inconvenient. Intimacy is stifling. Monogamy sucks. Rules are stupid. As for the thought of spending time with you — that's absolutely terrifying. See, you could get too close. Then you??d want to know what's deep down inside of him. And he's afraid to show you because he's not quite sure what's down there himself. (Our bets are on a primordial black hole.) This is why he??ll prefer to keep you as just an acquaintance. Even after you??re married to him. But there's good reason for his behavior: he's possessed. No, don't call the exorcist. This isn't a medieval chant, holy water and crucifix thing. It's worse. A Gemini b*stard has many demons — a multitude of personalities living inside him, each of whom qualifies as a b*stard in his own right.

Firstly, there's Mikey. He gets to go first because he has the earliest bedtime. He's eternally four years old, and alternates between a total cherub and the brat from hell — the former when he's asleep and the latter when he's awake. He makes all the major financial, family and relationship decisions. In fact he handles everything of importance. When the rare occasion arises on which he needs advice, he turns to Zoltan (scroll down). Otherwise he is a normal four-year-old — incapable of taking care of himself: Spending time with him is like any normal four-year-old play session: it usually ends in tears. Your tears. Of sheer frustration.

A psychiatrist would diagnose Mikey as a symptom of the fact Gemini doesn't want to grow up and take responsibility for his life. Whether or not this is true, Mikey is a minor and as such cannot be held responsible for his actions either by you or the law.

Next up is Tony, a real piece of work. He's a used car salesman. A very, very good one. He's the reason you??re in a relationship with a Gemini b*stard in the first place. He's very good at selling things nobody wants. When you confront Gemini and tell him you don't believe he (sob) truly cares about you, Tony jumps in with something along the lines of: —But Sarah, the idea of life without you is inconceivable to me. You are my reason for living, the most important person in my world,?? etc. He??ll seem so sincere and convincing you??ll believe him, even though your name is Rachel.

Oh, and have you met Frank? You??ll just love Frank. He works the room for a living. He's the life and soul of a double-vodka-martini cocktail party. He's intensely interested in people other than you. For up to five minutes at a time. If he seems superficial, that's only because he is. The —other people?? adore Frank and invite him everywhere, encouraging him to be even more annoying.

Walter, on the other hand, is dreadfully unpopular. He's nervous, jumpy and always in need of a good stiff drink. He appears whenever there's a tense or stressful situation and runs around making an awful commotion without actually being of any use.
Charles is infinitely more useful. A brilliant prosecuting attorney always is. Whenever Gemini finds he has painted himself into a corner (and you think you??ve finally pinned him down) Charles comes to the rescue. He is logical, cynical and heartless. He can make you admit to committing crimes you??ve never even heard of. Unfortunately for justice, he uses his formidable talent to prosecute the victim. And in the case of dating Gemini, you are always the victim.

Last and least is Zoltan. Master Sorcerer, Dragon Slayer, Defender of the Universe and Keeper of the Legendary Golden Orb (the one with the sticker that says —For use in the event of the complete destruction of mankind. Press blue button to save world. If you feel like it?? ). We aren't really sure where Zoltan fits in. he is officially in charge of changing light bulbs, refilling ice-cube trays and other light domestic chores (but, naturally, a man on whom the fate of the entire universe depends can't be expected to be good at mundane details). We also suspect he's the one responsible for listening when wives and girlfriends want to —talk??.

So now you know it's not your Gemini b*stard doesn't care about you, its just that Zoltan is limited in what he can do to resolve your problems when he exists in another reality. Once you get those earthly problems out into deep space, they look kind of small and insignificant, and just how practical can you expect someone named Zoltan to be? (Warning: Zoltan has been known to make the leap across the space-time continuum to go out on dates).
Mikey, Tony, Frank, Walter, Charles and Zoltan all interact with each other.

They egg each other on, whip each other into mad frenzies and appear in random order to torment you. The medical term for this is Multiple Personality Disorder.
Because Ge

So if Gemini plans to go to the movies with you a week ahead of time and actually follows through, see it as a long-term commitment (sorry, this is as good as it gets) and send out the wedding invitations.
Once you are married and you decide you and the kids would really like to see your Gemini b*stard more than once a week — though most likely, this will be enough — all is not lost. Just get work experience as a warden in a maximum security facility where the inmates are constantly trying to escape. Then you??ll know how to deal with him. Or pack up the family and move to Alcatraz. They??ll put you in separate cells, but at least you??ll know where your Gemini b*stard is at all times.

HOW TO SPOT ONE
Gemini is particularly hard to spot. He??ll be standing in front of you, talking to you at one instant, and he??ll be a blur in the distance the next. This is a real problem if you want to shoot him.

WHERE TO FIND ONE
On television chat shows, on psychiatrists?? couches, on the phone to recorded-message services or at a McDonald??s drive-thru having an interesting discussion without making an emotional commitment.

HOW TO INTRIGUE ONE
Don't require sympathy. Or consistency. Or fidelity. Or company. Don't ask where he is going. Or when he might be back. Or if he is coming back. And don't ever ask anything more emotionally demanding than —How are you— or —Where did you get your shoes—

THE FIRST DATE
Enjoy it. He will actually pay attention to you, as he isn't bored with you yet. (Tip: To prolong his interest, try not to wear clothing more interesting than you are.)

WHEN TO DO THE DEED
As soon as possible. How often do you get the chance to indulge in group sex? (All Gemini??s personalities take part in sex. This means he doesn't have to have an emotional obligation to you as you??re technically sleeping with other people.)

WHEN TO POP THE QUESTION
At times you??ll see that, not-so-deep-down, Gemini is truly committed to you.
Like when he manages — without the help of cue cards — to remember the names of your three children. This is as good a time as any to bring up marriage. And unless you want your kids to resent you for not managing to marry their father within their lifetime, don't be too demanding. Holding out until he manages to put the right name to the right child is asking far too much.

IF HE DROPS YOU
It doesn't mean he doesn't like you anymore. He's just forgotten you, that's

You're a bit late shawty! These have been done countless times, and they get boring. But welcome any! 🙂 Next time post something substantive, real, and intelligent. Thank you!

GM

WOW, I Have a Gem best friend,Gem Sister,and Gem Ex, they may flirt, but once they commit they are very faithful.

You are too cute..LOVE IT -- Wow if this is your assessment at 21 ... I wonder what will come later..........

LMFAO: Bastards, Rude, Cheap Etc it's funny how we can be labeled by every & any one but yet if the gems didn't exist then how boring would the world be? better yet.. HOW STUPID WOULD HUMANITY BE? Shout out 2 my smart Gems who uses the information they seek for their own benefit..



Gm
Emerald-Gem
Baby-grl
just 2 name a few but y'all get da idea... 2's