The Gemini returns....

Hello 🙂

I posted on another thread, but here's the gist. Hoping for your advice:

Started dating a 45 yr old Gem. Daily contact from him, lovely dovey, we had one great date. Contact continued for a week, then he got annoyed when I couldn't see him the next weekend cus I was busy. He waited til Friday to ask me out. LOL. I was booked whole weekend, tho said Id make time for him Sunday for a bit. Things went down hill, I pushed him away saying we weren't compatible, then he turned on his alter-ego "Nasty man". Since then, the contact has been minimal, him saying he wants to go out with me again, then disappearing. Then its mainly me initiating a text and he always replies but no forward movement. Then it dies down and he goes quiet. Week ago I reached out again, it got flirty and fun, I suggested coffee, he says "maybe".

I finally decided no more, that was enough rejection and games, so I went silent. Tonight, day 6 of no contact, he finally initiates a text saying " I am buying coffee, where do I deliver it?" (A play on our last convo). Sounds like he wants to see me, but I've been through this with another gem before. Disappeared for a month after a month of dating. I don't want to enter the vortex of disappearing men again. My gut is saying don't reply. I believe Ive made myself too available, too easy. I like him, but I like myself so much more. If I do respond, how do I convey that if he wants to see me more this cant happen again? Early on we each laid out what he wanted in dating/relationship so we were on the same page. Friendship first....dating..and if it became more, exclusivity. He is a typical hesitant, freedom loving gem, thats for sure.

Appreciate advice. Thanks all.

Good advice, Scribble. Thank you. I do know that I goofed in the early days with him when I got a little scared. I tried to walk away and he tried to prevent that, and he did it well. I thanked him and apologized for being a twit. So I get if he is sensitive and mistrusting of me.

The inconsistency is a concern. He is one year out of a marriage and I dont know if thats enough time for his healing. I know he hasnt dated a lot. I will sit on this for a bit.

Big Girl Panties- I've always loved your name! 🙂 This is what I think:

Whether or not it's fair, Geminis date on our own schedule...period. We have more than one personality (often many) and our daily lives are a shifting sea of emotions, conflicting points of view, and energy levels. When we want to see you, we want to see you NOW (and want reciprocation), and when we don't want to see you (because of distractions, getting overwhelmed, a "blue mood", an energy dip, or what-have-you), then we don't want to be bothered or questioned.

We can be oblivious that our need to follow our whim or mood of the moment is hurting people. Our actions don't mean we don't love you or that we don't care (only that we needed to take care of ourselves in some way), and we may not realize that other people don't know that.

However, when we receive the very same treatment we're dishing out, we feel painfully rejected. You saw his "nasty man" because he was hurt. If you've hurt a Gem who cares about you, they will come cautiously back, but will expect some sort of apology (at least an admission of partial responsibility) before things can really be right. It wouldn't hurt to point out that other people have feelings, too, but don't get too heavy on the emotional side in the early stages of a relationship with a Gem. Too much emotion too soon makes us feel like we're drowning.

As far as consistency....you will never have any. Maybe you can get him on track to consistency in dating, but that's about it. There is not much of a way a person can be consistent when he doesn't even know himself who he might be 2 days (2 hours? 2 minutes?) from now.

This is how I am, anyway. Other Gems may or may not agree.

Well thanks so much Scribble, Whimsy and May31Baby 🙂

I really appreciate your insight and the time you took to share with me. It was so helpful. Unfortunately this does not have the happy ending I'd hoped for. 😢

I waited a day to reply to his coffee date comment by sending a photo first of myself at a gala I attended last night. I wanted the reply to be fun and light, so the pic and he responded quickly and complimentary. The country club had bad reception so our texts were lagging and when I didnt reply after 15 mins he asked why I was leaving him hanging. Seemed he was excited to hear from me and maybe the pics got him riled up. I was wearing a long gown, not a g string. I explain the delay, sent another pic and he made an odd comment that came to eventually cause the end. He said "Nice dress. I want to see that sexy dress". Seems,as I found today, that was his way of saying he wanted to see me right then and there, after the party. I didnt "get it" so I said nothing about it, just said let me know when you want to have coffee". He stopped replying.

This morning I texted him (Mistake) saying "Well Im tired of waiting for coffee, will just go get some myself. Happy holidays and happy 2014, sweetie pie". It was my way of saying Im dont initiating, done waiting only to be jerked around. Cus he IS jerking me around if he isnt setting the date. He replied instantly and said "I tried last night". Still, I didnt "get it". After a few more texts, I was clear by saying "if you want to hang out and get coffee sometime, the holidays are super busy for me, so let me know so we can schedule it". He is not waiting an hour or more to reply, and says "Well maybe tomorrow, but dont hold me to it, I dont want you to get mad at me and I tried last night". So now he has mentioned "trying last night" so many times, I came out and asked if he meant he wanted to see me last night after this huge gala event, that certainly ended late. He says "Ya, why not?".

I can't express how disappointed that makes me.This mad who has not called me for a month, has only sporadically initiated texts and now cannot even commit to a coffee date EXPECTED me to stop by wherever at midnight for coffee? REALLY— Sounds like a wanted booty call to me. I called him on that and the "Maybe tomorrow" crap and said I felt insulted and disrespected and its time to end communication and good bye. His reply "Im not sure what you mean, but no worries and good luck". He used that "What, who me

He used that "What, who me—" line once before when I called him on a thoughtless comment. So, I called him out firmly on this (respectfully, not profane) and he now just went into self defense that he never said booty call, never made a sexual reference...totally not taking any responsibility for being disrespectful. (about the "maybe" date too).

Heres the bottom line: A year after divorce, he doesnt trust women and I think my previous hot and cold has left him feeling he needs to control me in the sense of not committing to a simple coffee date. Honestly, I have 2 other men now pursuing me and they are beyond respectful and courteous. And certainly appreciative of setting a date. I have never had a man do this to me. It is really something a leo woman like ME would do!! And that's when I was so arrogant thinking my ca ca didnt stink and treated men poorly. Anyhow, I had to be firm. He has shown this indifference before but now Im done. I liked him but he clearly has much more healing and forgiveness of women to be done.

BTW Whimsy: Yes indeed, you were on the money. His need to "see me now" was evident. I can't say I remembered this when this all went down. It's very foreign to me to be treated like this. I am used to respectful dating request in advance. Im NOT old fashioned or pollyanna in that respect.

Damn, I dated and loved a Gem 10 yrs ago and tho he had many typical gem traits, I dont recall this at all.

Posted by May31Baby
Btw totally random... When i was a lurker i always liked your posts. I read a few where you got into it with p angel. Haa or poop angel. Had to share that 🙂

Thank you, my friend. 🙂 I try to have as much patience with challenging people. She is/was something beyond my comprehension, for sure!

Sounds like he playing you and was not interested at all in you and this just goes to show it. So much forthe coffe date then, eh? Hahaha!

Maybe he was, but I've taken on final action which should tell me if so. I re-read all the texting between us. he kept insisting he offered to take me to coffee last night but there was no such text. It was only "I want to see your sexy dress". so, maybe he did text the invite but I didnt receive it? It's happened before, and given the club had horrible reception its possible. So, I put on my Big Girl Panties and called him. Didnt answer so I left the vm asking if he did send the text and I didnt get it. I said texting continues to cause misunderstandings between us and Id like to talk it over and asked him to call. If he doesnt, then yeah, he doesnt give a shit and was just f*ing with me.

I hope its not the case. But I will say tho he called me often in the beginning, he returned to texting only for weeks now and seems to rely on it to communicate. No bueno for relations, esp in sensitive situations like this.

I think it was great to call him, and I hope he calls back. It will be a good chance to work out all the crossed signals!

Thanks Whimsy. He has not called and honestly I doubt he will. Though he is the sign of communication he hesitates to do it directly it seems. Wait and see.

2 days later, no call. I emailed I was done. And I am. Honestly, why I allowed such rudeness this long is beyond me. Thanks everyone.