Maybe you can give me the closure she that she won't...

I know this is a bit long, but promise it's worth the read. In need of answers.

I am a Sagittarius female. 2.5 years ago, a Cancer female -- 7 years my senior -- became new to my office. 3 months in, we were growing closer. 6 months in, it was clearly romantic. And 1 year in, our relationship became sexual. Fast forward to now, our relationship is in ruins and I am devastated. 9 months into our friendship, she came to me and bashfully confessed that she had a sexual dream about me, and that she liked it. For a long time, I ignored any mention of the dream -- I don't trust easily and wondered what her motive was. But I eventually started to entertain it. A kiss on a Saturday, led us her bed days later. She told me that the first time it happened, she did not enjoy the experience and she was uncomfortable with all of it. But that first time turned into many more: in the workplace bathroom, in the office, at her place, at my place, on the couch, hotels, in the stairwell, you get the idea. Meanwhile we were spending almost every minute together outside of work; birthday parties, shopping trips, weekend getaways, working out, restaurants/bars, on the phone at 3 am, etc. Here is where the problems set in:

Boyfriend: At the time that I met her, she had a boyfriend of 6 months that she claimed she loved but was not attracted to or in love with. The whole time this was going on, she was still in and out of a relationship with this boyfriend. He had money, was a good male figure for her girls, and they had history. Every time they would break up and get back together, suddenly, I became runner-up. She would tell me that I treated her much better that he and that her girls got along well with me, too. But she also made it seem like I couldn't provide in the way that he could. They still had their own recurring problems that they couldn't get over. She officially broke it off with him about 2 wks ago; sent him a text and told him how she felt and to never call her again.

Sexuality: She said I was the best she ever had. She said she loved my touch, my conversation, she said she was in love with me. She said she wanted to get married and run away together. Not once, but on a few occasions. I was in favor of all of it. But she said that she could never tell her family about us, even though she has an openly gay brother and sister, and said she wished I was a guy. Made me promise I wouldn't tell anyone about us. Meanwhile, she would come back to my cubicle and steal kisses, LOUD kisses, during the day. She would joke about me being her boyfriend. She would grab my hand while we were walking in public. She would tell me to put my arm around her. She would throw herself at me, and when I wasn't around, she would FaceTime me and you can use your imagination for that. She would buy me gifts; of course I would do the same. And I returned all of her affections by being available, caring, and trying to provide. Still she's never claimed me as her girlfriend

Everyone has asked her about my sexuality. I am feminine, but also masculine. At first she told me she would deny it, and I told her it was OK if people knew. Then she started to admit that she told people I was bisexual, which is factual. My family made hints about our relationship, and her family has made hints at her. One time, her grown niece flat out told her she knew I was her girlfriend. She told me she was surprised at her niece’s reaction, but laughed it off. I fell out with my best friend trying to keep our relationship a secret, because I couldn’t explain why we were spending so much time together and she felt replaced. Eventually, I told her the truth: that we were in a romantic/sexual relationship; I wanted to save my friendship. My best friend completely accepted it, we cried about it, and then I went back to my main girl to confess to her about our conversation. She was not happy about it, and told me I broke my promise.

Months later, we went on a trip where her best friends confronted her about our relationship. They said they could tell by the way we were acting that something was going on and all of the cute guys were asking about us, too. I was not there for this conversation, but she told me that she confessed to us having something going on, but that she was still with her boyfriend and their relationship was on the rocks. One of her best friends did not agree. We had sex twice that weekend, passionate sex, but we fought a lot that weekend, too. She had her eye on a guy and gave him her number. Her friends were trying to hook her up with him, which made me wonder what she told them about us. It was very disrespectful. When we went to a pool party later on that evening, a guy came to talk to me, and she left me by myself. I was feeling mad disrespected, so even though I had no interest in this guy, I wanted to make her see how hurtful her games were, so I let him kiss me, then gave him my number. I looked over at her and could immediately see her heart break. Later on, she said I must have been interested because I did not get up to come sit next to her, despite my attempts to tell her to come back over. She said she wished that I never would have come on the trip and that she will see what that other guy had to offer her. She cursed me out in the hall and told me to stop acting like I was her girlfriend because her friends are noticing things. We had sex again after that, but she was still acting interested in this guy all weekend. To this day, I found out she still talks to him and has hour-long conversations with him on the phone. Sends him pictures, etc. I can’t even remember the name of the guy I kissed.

Insecurity: She has constantly accused me of being interested in other people. For example: “Why are you looking at her? Do you like her?” I am not normally an insecure person, but I felt very insecure in this relationship. I expressed this to her and everytime, she would walk away from the conversation

On top of this, she is a very attractive woman, so girls want to be her friend and guys want to date her. When she and her boyfriend were on the rocks, she would go out on dates with guys, take guys numbers and talk to them on the phone, constantly flirting, but tell me all about it. Meanwhile, she acted like I was not even an option, but still throwing herself at me, we are having sex, telling me to come over, wanting to go out and do things. I also felt like she was disloyal at times, and made me feel like I was easily replaceable, for instance, hanging out with people I introduced her to without me. I wanted more attention, more respect from her friend, she would yell at me, ignore me, tease me, and tell me I had no friends, and when I confronted her about her behavior she felt like I was nagging her and promised that no one was taking my place. I gave her multiple opportunities to tell me the truth, and let her know how important that was to me. She would never say, and would end the conversation, cutting off all her emotions and becoming angry with me.I would express myself, vulnerable and get shut down every time.

Move: I decided months ago quit my job and relocate, which will happen in a couple of weeks. I was unhappy with our interactions and unhappy with the position and thought it was a perfect time to move on. She told me it was a stupid decision, she bet me $ 1000 I wouldn't do it and that I was going to fail and come back home. I though for sure she was done with me at this time, because she was being so hurtful. However, one day I went to her house after she broke up with her boyfriend and she told me I was leaving her in her time of need, then threw herself at me. When I didn't respond, she told me I am not attracted to her anymore, and she told me she went in the room and got off by herself while I was watching TV in the front room. It helps to know that she is struggling with her weight, right now.

Conclusion: A few days ago, I completely cut her off. Felt unvalued and unappreciated, and didn't want to talk to her. I was so down, my mother even stopped by to see what was wrong. Anyway, she called and texted to no avail. I finally responded when she asked me about my move. Wish I wouldn't have opened that door again. She's still playing games. I tried to stop by the house and she told me that she wouldn't be able to talk because she was cleaning her house. I told her f*ck it, to lose my number and never call me again. She texted the next day and said that life is short, that I hurt her feelings, and that she loves me and wishes nothing but happiness for me. I told her how I've always felt, I love her, and wish things could go back to how they used to be, and that if there's no honesty or trust or effort in this relationship, it wont work. She continued to talk about how I should not have let my last words to her be to lose my number.

And I told her thank you for the message that life is short and nothing should be taken for granted. That was two days ago and I haven't heard anything from her. I am hurt. For two years, I was used to her calling everyday, checking in, wanted to hang out, and we had a strong bond and connection, despite flaws on both ends. I feel like she is not being honest with me about what is going on with her, and not getting the truth is the most hurtful things of all. Her ex boyfriend got a long text and he knows why she broke it off. She is not afraid of expressing herself when she doesn't want to be bothered with you anymore, but she won't give me that closure. She won't flat out say that she's given up on the relationship, or that there is someone else, or that she's disappointed, or whatever the issue is, and when I try to cut myself off, she keeps communicating with me then leaving me out to dry. I don't understand her behavior. How do I express the hurt that she had caused me, and how do I get closure, since she is refusing to give it to me.

Thanks for reading, and any feedback is appreciated.

Posted by SensitiveBlues
she's a player.


Move on. You deserve better.

I agree - she's a player, but op knew this girl had a boyfriend and continued to mess around with her and then had the nerve to get upset when she gave her number to another guy claiming it was "disrespectful"...

Op, when you lay down with dirty dogs, you're bound to get fleas.

Thank you SensitiveBlues. 🙂 That has been the hardest part, moving on. I have grown attached to her youngest daughter and her family, and I have not received any closure, despite being so good to her. I continue to cry and pray about it, just trying to make sense of it all.

You need to cut her off, ignore her calls... FORGET HER! She's not only playing you, she's playing anyone and everyone including her boyfriend. You don't need nor deserve that kind of baggage.

Thank you CruelllaWhite. 🙂 For someone who doesn't trust easily and is always trying to do the right thing, this has been a lesson learned. My confidence took a hit, but I can't wait to be on the other side again.

Posted by AriesIntrovert16

Posted by SensitiveBlues
she's a player.


Move on. You deserve better.

I agree - she's a player, but op knew this girl had a boyfriend and continued to mess around with her and then had the nerve to get upset when she gave her number to another guy claiming it was "disrespectful"...

Op, when you lay down with dirty dogs, you're bound to get fleas.

click to expand

This is very true. She said the same thing to me at times. "You knew I had a boyfriend." But I when they weren't doing good, I thought that was my chance. Love makes you do irrational things. Thank you for your honesty. 🙂

Posted by sauce

Posted by AriesIntrovert16

Posted by SensitiveBlues
she's a player.


Move on. You deserve better.

I agree - she's a player, but op knew this girl had a boyfriend and continued to mess around with her and then had the nerve to get upset when she gave her number to another guy claiming it was "disrespectful"...

Op, when you lay down with dirty dogs, you're bound to get fleas.

This is very true. She said the same thing to me at times. "You knew I had a boyfriend." But I when they weren't doing good, I thought that was my chance. Love makes you do irrational things. Thank you for your honesty. 🙂

click to expand

I understand, but when you step back and look at her behavior - she doesn't seem like a good woman at all. Yes it hurts now, but I'm sure you'll see this break up as a blessing soon.

Posted by starlover
Sometimes we don't get closure and have to reconcile things in ourselves

Yes, this is a hard lesson to learn, but a fact of life. In the moments where I feel bad, I remember that despite all of the mistreatment I took, I was still good to her. At times, I feel she took advantage of me, knowing that I was not quick to trust. I think it's an evil thing to do to someone, but I know what signs to look for now.

Posted by Namy
You need to cut her off, ignore her calls... FORGET HER! She's not only playing you, she's playing anyone and everyone including her boyfriend. You don't need nor deserve that kind of baggage.

Yes, this is exactly how it feels. Like I have been played. Her boyfriend was a jerk to her in a lot of ways, was unrealistic in his expectations of her, and they did not have any chemistry. I witnessed it first hand, so I don't feel so guilty about that relationship falling apart. It was doomed with or without my involvement. You are right, I need to ignore her and move on with my life, the hurt is the biggest hurdle.

Posted by ElTigre25
Coming to an online forum full of strangers for closure is not the way to do it.

You are right, my support system is not very strong right now, and since I am not "out" I can't really express to anyone close to me how I feel. My best friend, although she knows the situation, has grown less supportive. I considered counseling, but I thought I'd see what this forum had to say, since I like all of the insightful answers I usually see here. Thanks for your feedback.

Posted by Koniucha
Sometimes just writing it like you did helps a lot

It did help. 🙂 Thank you. It was cathartic in a way, as CruellaWhite mentioned.