oxPiscesxo
@oxPiscesxo
15 Years
Comments: 0 · Posts: 11 · Topics: 3
Family way too involved in my personal life!!
I believe in giving people time to grow to understand what they really want and it takes work on both sides. I do NOT want to control the person Im with or force them into expressing themselves when they are not ready or even know how they feel. I value my relationships and believe others and myself deserve the work put in. Everybody is different. Everybody has been hurt in the past and has baggage...
My family has basically taught and pushed me to approach life in the exact same way they do it and I feel like Im in a prison. I have a good man in my life who is here for me... but said to me today he just doesnt feel he is ready to be involved. Im sure it has a lot to do with how Ive acted towards him. A year and a half ago... I was involved with someone that left me really hurt and I ended up giving up and feeling like I didnt have any idea what I was doing... Being dependent on their advice got worse... I stopped trusting myself completely... I know what love is and I know what it isnt... Ive been through enough in my life and Im only 27... to know the difference it is by my choice on how I react to it... but I just cannot get my family to respect me enough to know I can find my own way and for them to not put their fears onto me... Ive suffered anxiety disorder in the past because of their fears... Im not their baby...
Has anyone ever been in this position?!?!?
My family has basically taught and pushed me to approach life in the exact same way they do it and I feel like Im in a prison. I have a good man in my life who is here for me... but said to me today he just doesnt feel he is ready to be involved. Im sure it has a lot to do with how Ive acted towards him. A year and a half ago... I was involved with someone that left me really hurt and I ended up giving up and feeling like I didnt have any idea what I was doing... Being dependent on their advice got worse... I stopped trusting myself completely... I know what love is and I know what it isnt... Ive been through enough in my life and Im only 27... to know the difference it is by my choice on how I react to it... but I just cannot get my family to respect me enough to know I can find my own way and for them to not put their fears onto me... Ive suffered anxiety disorder in the past because of their fears... Im not their baby...
Has anyone ever been in this position?!?!?
Lol!!!! I forgot I posted this... I guess it was a bad day!!! Thanks for the response!!!
Well, even though I'm sure your family is frustrated at all the failed relationships you've had just like you're frustrated, that still does NOT give them the right to add more fuel to the fire. It's 1 thing to give general constructive criticism to someone as a way of encouraging them to avoid repeating the same cycle again, BUT even then, they still need to know their place & when to back off.
1. You can't have it both ways. It's understandable that you somewhat want them to know what's going on in your relationships just in case you ever need advice or need help coping with something. BUT you already know that they cannot be there for you in the way you'd like in the event that any of those things were to happen. And when someone abuses their privelege of being your shoulder to cry on, you handle that by simply NOT telling them any more. Yes, family is important, BUT remember that friends are important too & just as helpful in tough times. And hopefully, you've got some friends that DON'T approach your relationships in the way your family does. You can't have it both ways though; you've either got to suck it up & stop telling your family OR you've got to suck it up, tell them & deal with the territory/criticism that comes with telling them.
2. 2nd-guessing yourself can be a blessing & a curse sometimes. On 1 hand it's good to not always be self-taught. How you see yourself is NOT always how others see you so it can sometimes be a good thing when someone with good intentions steps in & advises you on what you're unknowingly doing/saying wrong. BUT on the other hand, always trust yourself. You're not an idiot, BUT even if you were, you won't ever learn from people trying to force you to handle things the way they would. Constructive criticism is good sometimes b/c it's no secret that others can sometimes see the "problem" even when we ourselves can't, BUT if the criticism is so bad/often that you're left to completely doubt yourself, you need to shut off it off & regain some self-confidence again
1. You can't have it both ways. It's understandable that you somewhat want them to know what's going on in your relationships just in case you ever need advice or need help coping with something. BUT you already know that they cannot be there for you in the way you'd like in the event that any of those things were to happen. And when someone abuses their privelege of being your shoulder to cry on, you handle that by simply NOT telling them any more. Yes, family is important, BUT remember that friends are important too & just as helpful in tough times. And hopefully, you've got some friends that DON'T approach your relationships in the way your family does. You can't have it both ways though; you've either got to suck it up & stop telling your family OR you've got to suck it up, tell them & deal with the territory/criticism that comes with telling them.
2. 2nd-guessing yourself can be a blessing & a curse sometimes. On 1 hand it's good to not always be self-taught. How you see yourself is NOT always how others see you so it can sometimes be a good thing when someone with good intentions steps in & advises you on what you're unknowingly doing/saying wrong. BUT on the other hand, always trust yourself. You're not an idiot, BUT even if you were, you won't ever learn from people trying to force you to handle things the way they would. Constructive criticism is good sometimes b/c it's no secret that others can sometimes see the "problem" even when we ourselves can't, BUT if the criticism is so bad/often that you're left to completely doubt yourself, you need to shut off it off & regain some self-confidence again
3. Understand that your family members probably don't realize and/or acknowledge how negative their opinions are. They probably see it as them just trying to help your stubborn azs out; they probably see you as someone who just doesn't want to hear the truth; & some people feel they have the right to force their unwanted/un-asked for opinions on others when they get the general feeling that someone can't handle the truth. What they don't realize is that you CAN handle the truth; it's just that YOUR truth may be a little different than THEIR truth; your reality might be a little different than theirs. Doesn't mean that any of you are wrong; just means that ALL of you need to accept that a million people can be staring at the same picture & yet see things completely different.
4. Keep reminding them to know your place. I'm assuming that they only offer an unwanted opinion when you start venting about your relationship or the person you're with SO if that's happening, either stop telling them altogether OR cut them off mid-sentence when they feel the need to add their "2 cents" every 5 damn minutes. Sometimes, you've just got to come right out, say it & tell someone "No thanx!" And if they are unwilling to hear it, don't take it personal; no just keep it moving & seek out help/advice from OTHER people (friends, co-workers, peers, church members, neighbors, etc.) that aren't as judgemental.
5. Understand that judgemental people hardly ever consider themselves to be "judgemental." In THEIR minds they feel that they are simply speaking the truth; they might even convince themselves that you shouldn't be taking it personal or getting upset when they are going out of their way to "help" you. Problem is, they hardly ever realize/acknowledge that their constant criticism is NOT "help." And trying to force someone to understand something they're NOT yet ready to understand is just as bad as them trying to force their opinions on you.
Just like you want them to accept that you think differently than they do, make sure that you also accept that about them too. I know it sucks & I completely agree that family should always be the 1st resort when it comes down to needing someone. BUT if leaning on them provides more turmoil than comfort, you don't have a choice but to disconnect from ANY sources of inner turmoil & go connect with people who know how to effectively communicate with you, even if it's not what you want to hear.
4. Keep reminding them to know your place. I'm assuming that they only offer an unwanted opinion when you start venting about your relationship or the person you're with SO if that's happening, either stop telling them altogether OR cut them off mid-sentence when they feel the need to add their "2 cents" every 5 damn minutes. Sometimes, you've just got to come right out, say it & tell someone "No thanx!" And if they are unwilling to hear it, don't take it personal; no just keep it moving & seek out help/advice from OTHER people (friends, co-workers, peers, church members, neighbors, etc.) that aren't as judgemental.
5. Understand that judgemental people hardly ever consider themselves to be "judgemental." In THEIR minds they feel that they are simply speaking the truth; they might even convince themselves that you shouldn't be taking it personal or getting upset when they are going out of their way to "help" you. Problem is, they hardly ever realize/acknowledge that their constant criticism is NOT "help." And trying to force someone to understand something they're NOT yet ready to understand is just as bad as them trying to force their opinions on you.
Just like you want them to accept that you think differently than they do, make sure that you also accept that about them too. I know it sucks & I completely agree that family should always be the 1st resort when it comes down to needing someone. BUT if leaning on them provides more turmoil than comfort, you don't have a choice but to disconnect from ANY sources of inner turmoil & go connect with people who know how to effectively communicate with you, even if it's not what you want to hear.
Even if you ARE making some bad decisions in your relationships, the LAST thing that should ever happen is that you start only making good decisions b/c someone ELSE is thinking for you. You don't want others to start running your relationships for you. If your relationships are failing, it shouldn't be b/c of someone else's influence on you & the same goes vice versa; if your relationships are actually working out, it shouldn't be b/c you had to become like someone else. It's ok to have a mind of your own.
As the saying goes, "When you stop expecting certain things from certain people, it will NO LONGER BOTHER YOU when they don't/do certain things." In other words, if you stop expecting for certain members in your family to be as understanding & less judgemental, it won't bother you as MUCH when they start acting that way.
Not only should they stop expecting for you to be & think like them, YOU should also stop expecting for them to change and/or to communicate any differently than they know how. I know it sucks, BUT hey it is what it is. Instead of holding onto the "hope" that your family will somehow change and/or see where you're coming from, take it for what it is & keep it moving. If you don't, you'll always be let down & disappointed. Constantly expecting more of someone than they can/know how to give is just as much a relationship-killer like many other things. Just let it go. Go look for more positive people that you can talk/vent to & share with so you won't feel like you have no body! BUT, you've gotta let go of the hope that your family will be something they're not.
Once you let go, you'll not only see a difference (they'll stop pressuring you), BUT it'll also help you to appreciate those in your life who actually CAN "help" you & communicate effectively with you. They probably keep criticising you b/c they're either unhappy in their OWN relationships OR b/c they figure that you'll sit there & take it. The key now is to try things a little different this time. SHOW them better than you can tell them
As the saying goes, "When you stop expecting certain things from certain people, it will NO LONGER BOTHER YOU when they don't/do certain things." In other words, if you stop expecting for certain members in your family to be as understanding & less judgemental, it won't bother you as MUCH when they start acting that way.
Not only should they stop expecting for you to be & think like them, YOU should also stop expecting for them to change and/or to communicate any differently than they know how. I know it sucks, BUT hey it is what it is. Instead of holding onto the "hope" that your family will somehow change and/or see where you're coming from, take it for what it is & keep it moving. If you don't, you'll always be let down & disappointed. Constantly expecting more of someone than they can/know how to give is just as much a relationship-killer like many other things. Just let it go. Go look for more positive people that you can talk/vent to & share with so you won't feel like you have no body! BUT, you've gotta let go of the hope that your family will be something they're not.
Once you let go, you'll not only see a difference (they'll stop pressuring you), BUT it'll also help you to appreciate those in your life who actually CAN "help" you & communicate effectively with you. They probably keep criticising you b/c they're either unhappy in their OWN relationships OR b/c they figure that you'll sit there & take it. The key now is to try things a little different this time. SHOW them better than you can tell them
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