ScorpioFemale79
@ScorpioFemale79
13 Years500+ PostsScorpio
Comments: 6 · Posts: 702 · Topics: 39
Sorry I've been away but I was honest with him...
We also talked about I was the ONLY person that was there for him and helped him when things went down hill in his life and he's never said thank you, he's never appreciated it and he always seems grateful to everyone else about miniscule things but he's never acknowledged how his life was better because of me not that i was looking for recognition but it just seems like I never did anything for him. He said he always appreciates me and tells me so and thanks me for things. I even brought up last christmas when I put all this work and gave him the most unique and thoughtful and creative gift for him and his buddy (the other Aqua Male) and while his friend loved it and was soooooo appreciative my aqua didn't even seem like he cared about the gift...took him eons to say thank you and even then the only reason he unwrapped it was cause his buddy talked about it. He seemed so ungrateful at the time, I was so upset i was considering taking it back ...that's how bad i felt.
We also talked about how ppl think he's soooooo friggin amazing becuase they think he's done all these things for them when I was the one who was the person who has helped everyone but the only reason they never realize it was me involved is because he never brought me into the conversation and how it angered me and made me jealous for soooooo long.
We also talked about how for a long time when things went down hill between us, I prayed for months and months that the old "him" would come back...and after a while I realized the aqua male that i liked being around was never coming back and i had no other motivation in keeping up with the friendship if this new "him" just made me feel bad about myself all the time and he said that he was still him and asked how did he change.
I told him I liked the old him...the old him was supportive, sweet, he cared about what was going on with me, he didn't treat me like crap, he never made me feel like the 3rd wheel...that's the aqua male i wanted to be around. He got quiet and didn't know what to say for a while then he just said again that he does appreciate me that he does talk about me all the time with people.
We also talked about how ppl think he's soooooo friggin amazing becuase they think he's done all these things for them when I was the one who was the person who has helped everyone but the only reason they never realize it was me involved is because he never brought me into the conversation and how it angered me and made me jealous for soooooo long.
We also talked about how for a long time when things went down hill between us, I prayed for months and months that the old "him" would come back...and after a while I realized the aqua male that i liked being around was never coming back and i had no other motivation in keeping up with the friendship if this new "him" just made me feel bad about myself all the time and he said that he was still him and asked how did he change.
I told him I liked the old him...the old him was supportive, sweet, he cared about what was going on with me, he didn't treat me like crap, he never made me feel like the 3rd wheel...that's the aqua male i wanted to be around. He got quiet and didn't know what to say for a while then he just said again that he does appreciate me that he does talk about me all the time with people.
That's pretty much how the conversation went and he did seem to be getting better for a few days before he left to go out of state for a week. A week later the Pisces female asked how it went and I told her everything and that I told him everything and she asked if I felt better. I told her partially because he seemed to be doing better but I didn't feel like it was resolved. That I don't think he understood that when we're with friends I'm like the only person he won't even acknowledge...he doesn't even attempt to even say hi but yet he'll "hover".
She said you have to understand he's a very shy individual...most days he doesn't know what to say...and if he feels like he can't talk about subjects that he usually relies on then he says nothing.
I told her, I know how he's shy he's always been like that...and socially awkward but he seems talkative with everyone else, why can't he just talk about those same things with me and it isn't so much how he's not talking, its the fact that it feels like he's purposely NOT talking to me like he's deliberately ignoring me/shunning me... it feels like crap.
When we went to a theme park (5 of us), he talked to everyone all day except me, he didn't even make eye contact and he was the one that wanted me to come and its like why would I come only to just be ignored like that and if i even try to talk to anyone else he interrupts the conversation.
She said you have to understand he's a very shy individual...most days he doesn't know what to say...and if he feels like he can't talk about subjects that he usually relies on then he says nothing.
I told her, I know how he's shy he's always been like that...and socially awkward but he seems talkative with everyone else, why can't he just talk about those same things with me and it isn't so much how he's not talking, its the fact that it feels like he's purposely NOT talking to me like he's deliberately ignoring me/shunning me... it feels like crap.
When we went to a theme park (5 of us), he talked to everyone all day except me, he didn't even make eye contact and he was the one that wanted me to come and its like why would I come only to just be ignored like that and if i even try to talk to anyone else he interrupts the conversation.
So my question to all of you is this, I do know that he's VERY shy, socially awkward, and the atypical flighty Aqua, and being male...so that means while I know he has this way of not being great at communication, being easily distracted, and being blind to emotional things...
He used to be great at being supportive and taking an interest in me and my life and when I spoke he listened becuase he wanted to know about me...but according to him he says it went down hill because I stopped talking to him but yet I have told him repeatedly and recently even that I stopped talking to him becuase he made me feel like shit all the time with the neglect, the ignoring, barely taking the time to continue getting to know me/hanging out with me...but yet he says that's because of the me not talking to him thing. So we keep going in circles.
The pisces female said its a 2 way street and sure it went down hill technically becuase of him, but I have an obligation to keep things going on my end especially because he's shy and socially awkward and I have to be the example he can follow because he's the type that needs someone he can rely on and be comfortable around in social situations.
So I have tried...he just got back from being out of town and so I welcomed him back and even took initiative and excitedly told him about things that happened to me that were topics he normally is interested in and all he did was half listen and cut me off...
How am I supposed to stay positive with actions such as that?
He used to be great at being supportive and taking an interest in me and my life and when I spoke he listened becuase he wanted to know about me...but according to him he says it went down hill because I stopped talking to him but yet I have told him repeatedly and recently even that I stopped talking to him becuase he made me feel like shit all the time with the neglect, the ignoring, barely taking the time to continue getting to know me/hanging out with me...but yet he says that's because of the me not talking to him thing. So we keep going in circles.
The pisces female said its a 2 way street and sure it went down hill technically becuase of him, but I have an obligation to keep things going on my end especially because he's shy and socially awkward and I have to be the example he can follow because he's the type that needs someone he can rely on and be comfortable around in social situations.
So I have tried...he just got back from being out of town and so I welcomed him back and even took initiative and excitedly told him about things that happened to me that were topics he normally is interested in and all he did was half listen and cut me off...
How am I supposed to stay positive with actions such as that?
your history with this Aqua man, but the trouble I see so far is that you approached this final conversation with him feeling quite frustrated with your defenses up and expected that he would just "get it" and change. Your defences were up so high that you could not even recognize that this:
Posted by ScorpioFemale79
...we ended up talking for 90 minutes that night. He was late to his plans because of the conversation but he said that it was okay because this was more important to him.
contradicts this:
Posted by ScorpioFemale79
...he still did the whole "I'm going to focus on everyone else but you" behavior and all it did was make me feel like I didn't matter even more...
I think this man is showing you he cares, but you??re unable to see it because it's not coming in the way you find acceptable.
The other issue I see is the fact that you seem to sit on your feelings when things bother you. The gift, feeling like your being taken for granted, him getting recognition for things you??ve done??_.why didn't you say something at the time?
If you had, stuff like this:
Posted by ScorpioFemale79
He used to be great at being supportive and taking an interest in me and my life and when I spoke he listened becuase he wanted to know about me...but according to him he says it went down hill because I stopped talking to him but yet I have told him repeatedly and recently even that I stopped talking to him becuase he made me feel like shit all the time with the neglect, the ignoring, barely taking the time to continue getting to know me/hanging out with me...but yet he says that's because of the me not talking to him thing. So we keep going in circles.click to expand
Might have been avoided.
^^^cont...
To hold onto all of those feeling then drop it on someone in one shot can be overwhelming. It's a lot to process and respond to. It's also not fair to him because now you??re expecting that he will change all of these things about himself at your request because you had a —conversation?? about it. One conversation? If these are traits that he has I am assuming they didn't just develop out of thin air, so they are not going to change overnight. That is not to suggest that they can't be worked on, but a person needs time to change their habits. You talk, the person processes the information, shares their feelings and changes are made where necessary. This does not always mean he will be the only one that needs to change.
To hold onto all of those feeling then drop it on someone in one shot can be overwhelming. It's a lot to process and respond to. It's also not fair to him because now you??re expecting that he will change all of these things about himself at your request because you had a —conversation?? about it. One conversation? If these are traits that he has I am assuming they didn't just develop out of thin air, so they are not going to change overnight. That is not to suggest that they can't be worked on, but a person needs time to change their habits. You talk, the person processes the information, shares their feelings and changes are made where necessary. This does not always mean he will be the only one that needs to change.
that last post wasn't in response to yours impulsv
haha i do apologize for the long question but alot happened in a matter of 2 weeks so I'll address everyone's comments.
I don't think it's aspergers and I know some about his childhood growing up but I don't know enough to know why he's so shy and kinda awkward and doesn't know what to say to people sometimes. The way he is personality wise is he sometimes OVERDOES the jokes while he is funny its a little too much, its a defense mechanism for him or a way for him to win someoen over cause he doesn't know what else to do.
I didn't exactly throw EVERYTHING at him on this one day, this was a conversation we had that was similar to many other conversations we've had over the course of the friendship but the difference with this one is we never talked so long about it and he never actually acted like he was "HEARING" me before in previous convesrations. The frustration was something I had been feeling for a long time which he's known about.
He claims he stopped talking to me as much or became unsure when I stopped talking to him but yet i've told him numerous times that the reason I stopped talking to him was when he started to act neglectful and started 3rd wheeling me alot and when i tried to talk to him about it numerous times he kept doing it anyway but denied doing it at the same time that's why I told the pisces female what was the point in having yet another conversation.
I do want to agree with the individual who said I was contradictory. Yes he said it was more important that we have this conversation but if he cared he wouldn't be doing things like cutting me off when I try to show initiative and tell him things going on in my life and be more verbal and include in things...but if he cuts me off mid conversation or doesn't pay attention or walks away in the middle of the convo...am i supposed to not get upset at that especially when he's not like that with anyone else.
The old him was shy and socially awkward but at least he had more manners...he actually was a better listener before, he remembered things you told him, he was helpful and supportive and he didn't 3rd wheel me...I don't know why he's doing it now.
That's why im frustrated and sure we had this great talk and I'm hopeful that now that I actually was honest about things i was too scared to mention and was willing to be vulnerable, I'd expect him to at least make some what of an effort and not being neglectful...but he just got back so we'll see what he does.
Plus t
I don't think it's aspergers and I know some about his childhood growing up but I don't know enough to know why he's so shy and kinda awkward and doesn't know what to say to people sometimes. The way he is personality wise is he sometimes OVERDOES the jokes while he is funny its a little too much, its a defense mechanism for him or a way for him to win someoen over cause he doesn't know what else to do.
I didn't exactly throw EVERYTHING at him on this one day, this was a conversation we had that was similar to many other conversations we've had over the course of the friendship but the difference with this one is we never talked so long about it and he never actually acted like he was "HEARING" me before in previous convesrations. The frustration was something I had been feeling for a long time which he's known about.
He claims he stopped talking to me as much or became unsure when I stopped talking to him but yet i've told him numerous times that the reason I stopped talking to him was when he started to act neglectful and started 3rd wheeling me alot and when i tried to talk to him about it numerous times he kept doing it anyway but denied doing it at the same time that's why I told the pisces female what was the point in having yet another conversation.
I do want to agree with the individual who said I was contradictory. Yes he said it was more important that we have this conversation but if he cared he wouldn't be doing things like cutting me off when I try to show initiative and tell him things going on in my life and be more verbal and include in things...but if he cuts me off mid conversation or doesn't pay attention or walks away in the middle of the convo...am i supposed to not get upset at that especially when he's not like that with anyone else.
The old him was shy and socially awkward but at least he had more manners...he actually was a better listener before, he remembered things you told him, he was helpful and supportive and he didn't 3rd wheel me...I don't know why he's doing it now.
That's why im frustrated and sure we had this great talk and I'm hopeful that now that I actually was honest about things i was too scared to mention and was willing to be vulnerable, I'd expect him to at least make some what of an effort and not being neglectful...but he just got back so we'll see what he does.
Plus t
Posted by ScorpioFemale79
....
I didn't exactly throw EVERYTHING at him on this one day, this was a conversation we had that was similar to many other conversations we've had over the course of the friendship but the difference with this one is we never talked so long about it and he never actually acted like he was "HEARING" me before in previous convesrations. The frustration was something I had been feeling for a long time which he's known about.
five long a** posts to figure out what going on with your "friend"? Un huh....
Stop the blame game. Another words, The "what? your not paying attention to me, anwering to my every whim, every text, e-mail, phone calls?..I'll show you..I'll ignore your ass and see how you like it you son of a bitch game"
How'd that work for ya?
smh
How'd that work for ya?
smh
Posted by PhoenixRisingPosted by ScorpioFemale79
....
I didn't exactly throw EVERYTHING at him on this one day, this was a conversation we had that was similar to many other conversations we've had over the course of the friendship but the difference with this one is we never talked so long about it and he never actually acted like he was "HEARING" me before in previous convesrations. The frustration was something I had been feeling for a long time which he's known about.
five long a** posts to figure out what going on with your "friend"? Un huh....click to expand
LOL it wasn't five long posts. The burden of the problem was I already told him what was going on and he kept denying he was doing any of it but kept doing it so when I tried to cut ties he got all pissy at me and I kept telling him to stop doing it to me...he asked Pisces Female what as going on cause he knew something was up she told him what was wrong and she told him that he basically can't neglect people he's friends with especially friends he depends on and he said "She knows I appreciate her."
Pisces female said "No she doesn't. She thinks you don't. Have you told her?"
He said "he thinks so."
She tells him you think but men interpret situations differently than women and you have to show appreciate in a way they can percieve it.
So you see the issue! She had to basically tell him how to treat women lol.
Posted by LetltB
Stop the blame game. Another words, The "what? your not paying attention to me, anwering to my every whim, every text, e-mail, phone calls?..I'll show you..I'll ignore your ass and see how you like it you son of a bitch game"
How'd that work for ya?
smh
That's not exactly how its been. Things were great for the first 3 years of his friendship and then out of the blue he'd just totally not be there anymore and would flake especially when it would come to things that were his idea and I did confront him about it several times and he kept denying ever doing it.
He then started to get worse, we'd all hang out and he wouldn't even look me in the eye wouldn't even say anything to me but he was the one that kept bugging me to go to these things...he kept making me feel like a 3rd wheel and I didn't even want to go in the first place.
When things didn't get better, I tried cutting ties and just focusing on other people and other friends and he would get territorial and all pissy and tell ppl to stop bothering me and I'd be like wtf—
Trust me I've been trying to find out what the overal issue is and after this whole thing blew up yet again 2 weeks ago, we FINALLY had an honest conversation without beating around the bush, making excuses and etc. and I guess the reason why I posted is I know he's socially awkward, and emotionally dense and shy but if he was told by the Pisces Female that he has stop assuming people understand if he wants to keep being friends with them or if he cares about them, then he has to work at trying harder..
She told me that I need to keep up my half of the whole thing and try harder too and when I do he kinda half listens...I know he wont always realize what he's doing that will deter someone but I mean come on how many times do various ppl have to tell him.
People aren't THAT dense.
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Being the typical guy or maybe this was an aqua trait but despite my hard work at tolerance he still did the whole "I'm going to focus on everyone else but you" behavior and all it did was make me feel like I didn't matter even more but I put up with it for as long as I could for the sake of me hoping a miracle would happen.
One day it all went to hell and I got the short end of the stick again with our circle of friends because of him yet again...a mutual friend (Pisces Female) asked what happened when I was in tears and I told her and she told me to talk to him about it becuase there are no other options other than cut ties or tolerate it and she didn't want me to do either one.
I did what she asked even though I had no faith in having another "conversation" with him again and we ended up talking for 90 minutes that night. He was late to his plans because of the conversation but he said that it was okay because this was more important to him.
We ended up talking about how for ppl we know that he always says are assholes and are mean and act like B* he's awfully around them alot instead of the ppl who he's known for a long time who are great ppl and he said that sometimes he needs to get away and needs a change of scenery and I said but he was ALWAYS with them more than anyone else and if he's just going to complain about them all the time then stop hanging around them becuase he's being cliquish the more he's with them the more they act like assholes around the rest of us. He asked what about me and my clique...I told him I was in no clique, I'm around ppl who want to spend time with me, who care about me, who take the time the time to get to know me (obviously hinting at his lack of doing each of those things these days)