Creating your own closure

Sometimes, towards the natural ending of situationships, relationships or other drawn-out happenings where two people have spent quite a bit of time together and shared a lot of emotions, it can be difficult to break free, especially when a person is waiting for some sort of closure from the other. The truth is, it doesn't always come and sometimes, we have to create our own closure in order to move on or stop ourselves from constantly wondering whether that other person still holds a door open for you.

https://www.rootsrelationaltherapy.com/blogs-for-better-relationships/create-your-own-closure

Have you ever had to create your own closure and how did it go?

Do you feel that creating one's own closure is a powerful way of taking your life into your own hands, without the need for the recognition or balance of another to approve this for you?

It's finding or figuring it out. Not just blindly accepting (at least it's not something I think I'm capable of doing)

You gotta put yourself in their shoes, while in that mindset, if there's things you don't understand or are too extreme then you can understand "it" wasn't meant to be. As humans, we can be selfish and not ever recognize it. That's why once you find your closure, you don't have to think about it anymore creating more sadness than is necessary (there will always be sadness)

At least that's how I deal with it as an Air sign (logic) while my water moon still feeling and processing emotions. Thankfully I have earth energy that keeps me stable and able to recover and keep on living this earthly life.

It’s important to ask ourselves what we seek to gain from this concept of “closure”, especially in the context of “situationships” and other pseudo-relations that were never defined.

I get the impression a lot of people process these relationships from a victim-mindset, and refuse to acknowledge their own inner narratives that allowed them to get entangled in an UNdefined commitment for so long. This is strictly regarding the types where someone tells you “I’m not ready for a relationship right now” “let’s just see where the wind takes us” “I’m not over my ex” etc, but then you still fuck with them thinking you can change their mind; relationships in which the closure is accepting that y’all gaslit yourselves into compromising your boundaries & values. And honestly in some ways, I feel like people who continue to pursue a “relationship” after the other party told them “I’m not looking for anything serious” are violating that other persons boundary: why would you continue to try to convince me I want a commitment with you, after I’ve already laid out my casual intentions? In most instances, I perceive it as a threat and my only way to regain control is to continue stringing you along so you finally learn you can’t change me (I’ll talk to my therapist about this, don’t worry).

As a dismissive avoidant, I am drawn to casual relationships because commitment is really scary for me. And just like anxiously attached individuals can delude themselves into thinking there was more to the connection than there actually was, I can delude myself into thinking the connection is weaker than it is(though often times I think my mindset is the most correct; I’m still working on that). That said, closure is understanding that the human experience is so unique and different for each and every one of us. Just because Person A experienced different feelings/connectedness than Person B did throughout their relations, doesn’t mean either of their experiences are invalid/incorrect. There’s beauty to be found in those differences; there can also be ugliness, in which case the beauty can be found in the freedom to create a new narrative.

Lastly, we are all God; every situation in our life is a result of our own creation. That said, I hold a lot of love for all of the situations, the circumstances I’ve had in my life.

To be resentful would be to resent God/myself. I could feel like a victim about the situations, but then I would be ignoring the role I played in creating that circumstance.

Ending a relationship is just like grieving imo. Lots of denial and bargaining for a while sometimes if it's someone I loved and really wanted to be with. can't force anything, just let time heal

Posted by FuelAirPropellant
It's finding or figuring it out. Not just blindly accepting (at least it's not something I think I'm capable of doing)

You gotta put yourself in their shoes, while in that mindset, if there's things you don't understand or are too extreme then you can understand "it" wasn't meant to be. As humans, we can be selfish and not ever recognize it. That's why once you find your closure, you don't have to think about it anymore creating more sadness than is necessary (there will always be sadness)

At least that's how I deal with it as an Air sign (logic) while my water moon still feeling and processing emotions. Thankfully I have earth energy that keeps me stable and able to recover and keep on living this earthly life.

So you always put yourself in their shoes to remain in understanding about how they feel or perceive it? Some people will imagine all sorts of things, even when a contrary stance is directly communicated to them.

Some just like to leave doors open or live with many perceived grey areas in their minds and hearts from their pasts through fear of losing opportunities or a fear of one day being all alone with no one to 'hit up' from their pasts. The less open opportunities they have from their pasts, the more alone and potentially perpetually alone they feel. Really, their lack or provision of closure for you is based on the sense that they want to keep as many old lovers on the back burner as they can have in case they one day need them when they have no one else.

Posted by clare

Posted by FuelAirPropellant
It's finding or figuring it out. Not just blindly accepting (at least it's not something I think I'm capable of doing)

You gotta put yourself in their shoes, while in that mindset, if there's things you don't understand or are too extreme then you can understand "it" wasn't meant to be. As humans, we can be selfish and not ever recognize it. That's why once you find your closure, you don't have to think about it anymore creating more sadness than is necessary (there will always be sadness)

At least that's how I deal with it as an Air sign (logic) while my water moon still feeling and processing emotions. Thankfully I have earth energy that keeps me stable and able to recover and keep on living this earthly life.

So you always put yourself in their shoes to remain in understanding about how they feel or perceive it? Some people will imagine all sorts of things, even when a contrary stance is directly communicated to them.

click to expand

Partly but since I can't possibly know for sure what they're feeling, its more for self reflection. A mirror of sorts. Self judgment.

Also if the relation is severed or damaged, the best thing to do is to detach it. And no better way than to analyze rather than feel. Feelings can be valid but oftentimes they are not constructive. I am not the type to beg or react like a Latin soap opera. I let it go. Sometimes the emotions are strong and linger but detachment is the way to go for me.

Self preservation is key, that is my selfish stance, must be all the Capricorn in my chart along with my Air Sun. But it's also indirectly selfless as the other person is left to their freedom.

Posted by Whorpio
It’s important to ask ourselves what we seek to gain from this concept of “closure”, especially in the context of “situationships” and other pseudo-relations that were never defined.

I get the impression a lot of people process these relationships from a victim-mindset, and refuse to acknowledge their own inner narratives that allowed them to get entangled in an UNdefined commitment for so long. This is strictly regarding the types where someone tells you “I’m not ready for a relationship right now” “let’s just see where the wind takes us” “I’m not over my ex” etc, but then you still fuck with them thinking you can change their mind; relationships in which the closure is accepting that y’all gaslit yourselves into compromising your boundaries & values. And honestly in some ways, I feel like people who continue to pursue a “relationship” after the other party told them “I’m not looking for anything serious” are violating that other persons boundary: why would you continue to try to convince me I want a commitment with you, after I’ve already laid out my casual intentions? In most instances, I perceive it as a threat and my only way to regain control is to continue stringing you along so you finally learn you can’t change me (I’ll talk to my therapist about this, don’t worry).

As a dismissive avoidant, I am drawn to casual relationships because commitment is really scary for me. And just like anxiously attached individuals can delude themselves into thinking there was more to the connection than there actually was, I can delude myself into thinking the connection is weaker than it is(though often times I think my mindset is the most correct; I’m still working on that). That said, closure is understanding that the human experience is so unique and different for each and every one of us. Just because Person A experienced different feelings/connectedness than Person B did throughout their relations, doesn’t mean either of their experiences are invalid/incorrect. There’s beauty to be found in those differences; there can also be ugliness, in which case the beauty can be found in the freedom to create a new narrative.

Lastly, we are all God; every situation in our life is a result of our own creation. That said, I hold a lot of love for all of the situations, the circumstances I’ve had in my life.

To be resentful would be to resent God/myself. I could feel like a victim about the situations, but then I would be ignoring the role I played in creating that circumstance.

There's nearly always a victim mindset unless something is clearly defined or there are no expectations at all and this is also defined or mutual. I feel it's our own job to find closure within ourselves on the grounds that anything else is fully biased and based on personal narrative that can really have nothing to do with the other person at all.

'The closure is accepting that y’all gaslit yourselves into compromising your boundaries & values.'

This resonates with me and in certain situations around me.

'To be resentful would be to resent God/myself. I could feel like a victim about the situations, but then I would be ignoring the role I played in creating that circumstance.'

Very true. You're not really a victim unless someone's actually holding you hostage against your will. Becoming emotionally entangled in something that isn't defined, you're alone in your own narrative and your needs are never being met or understood. That's a huge personal risk and you can't rightfully hold someone else responsible because you took such a risk and abandoned yourself.

Posted by clareThere's nearly always a victim mindset unless something is clearly defined or there are no expectations at all and this is also defined or mutual. I feel it's our own job to find closure within ourselves on the grounds that anything else is fully biased and based on personal narrative that can really have nothing to do with the other person at all.

'The closure is accepting that y’all gaslit yourselves into compromising your boundaries & values.'

This resonates with me and in certain situations around me.

'To be resentful would be to resent God/myself. I could feel like a victim about the situations, but then I would be ignoring the role I played in creating that circumstance.'

Very true. You're not really a victim unless someone's actually holding you hostage against your will. Becoming emotionally entangled in something that isn't defined, you're alone in your own narrative and your needs are never being met or understood. That's a huge personal risk and you can't rightfully hold someone else responsible because you took such a risk and abandoned yourself.

You get it 😎

Posted by FuelAirPropellant

Posted by clare

Posted by FuelAirPropellant
It's finding or figuring it out. Not just blindly accepting (at least it's not something I think I'm capable of doing)

You gotta put yourself in their shoes, while in that mindset, if there's things you don't understand or are too extreme then you can understand "it" wasn't meant to be. As humans, we can be selfish and not ever recognize it. That's why once you find your closure, you don't have to think about it anymore creating more sadness than is necessary (there will always be sadness)

At least that's how I deal with it as an Air sign (logic) while my water moon still feeling and processing emotions. Thankfully I have earth energy that keeps me stable and able to recover and keep on living this earthly life.

So you always put yourself in their shoes to remain in understanding about how they feel or perceive it? Some people will imagine all sorts of things, even when a contrary stance is directly communicated to them.

Partly but since I can't possibly know for sure what they're feeling, its more for self reflection. A mirror of sorts. Self judgment.

Also if the relation is severed or damaged, the best thing to do is to detach it. And no better way than to analyze rather than feel. Feelings can be valid but oftentimes they are not constructive. I am not the type to beg or react like a Latin soap opera. I let it go. Sometimes the emotions are strong and linger but detachment is the way to go for me.

Self preservation is key, that is my selfish stance, must be all the Capricorn in my chart along with my Air Sun. But it's also indirectly selfless as the other person is left to their freedom.

click to expand

I agree that self preservation is important.

For me, I feel like it creates personal freedom, not just for myself, but for others as well, especially if they/ we need to heal.

It matters that we save ourselves for ones who deserve our time and effort. Something genuine and meaningful. Something aligned to our own goals and perspectives on love and life.

"Becoming emotionally entangled in something that isn't defined, you're alone in your own narrative and your needs are never being met or understood."

Great insight

Posted by Whorpio

Posted by clare
Some just like to leave doors open or live with many perceived grey areas in their minds and hearts from their pasts through fear of losing opportunities or a fear of one day being all alone with no one to 'hit up' from their pasts. The less open opportunities they have from their pasts, the more alone and potentially perpetually alone they feel. Really, their lack or provision of closure for you is based on the sense that they want to keep as many old lovers on the back burner as they can have in case they one day need them when they have no one else.

I agree with this sentiment in cases of defined relationships that end with no explanation.

But in undefined situations, I don’t think the other party owes you an explanation unless they intentionally deceived you. Think about it- external closure is merely a bandage for the ego. But if you go inwards and identify the subconscious beliefs you hold that allowed you to get into that situation to begin with- personal accountability is real closure.

click to expand

True. And the ego plays a huge part in needing closure from someone else. If you're confident in your self image and your decision-making process then why need it?

I dont really believe in closure

The body has to physically heal because it is finite. But your mind has effectively infinite room to store things. So if a few hundred rooms are full of emotional junk from the past then so be it.

Distance is really all you have. Physical, emotional, mental and time itself.

I do think some words and actions help to create or accelerate that distance however. One for me was when I told someone that I forgave them. They responded positively and were thankful that I said that. But after a few days it was gnawing at me, I felt like I had undermined myself. In the end I said to that person "actually I don't forgive you.." 😅 and I have to say, I felt a lot better after that

I also don't rly believe in forgiveness. Again, I believe in distance as the real catalyst for change

if the terms of engagement are beneath what you yourself envision then yes, you have to close that door yourself.

Posted by El-Sombrerero-Cucuy
Reading through this thread the real theme is attachment style s, imo. Some are clearly anxious, others secure. Getting closure from an avoidant attachment style person is difficult, they just want to suppress and avoid any conversations that could bring those emotions up - hence the avoidant part. But just understanding attachment style s can within itself give you closure. For instance a secure attachment person is usually fine with moving on, they typically just want the data (like a customer satisfaction report lol) to better serve the next relationship or just self development in general.

I dont know that i totally agree, imo, that clear definition of a relationship, or the lack thereof, absolves any responsibility. If each side values loyalty, and each side expresses their loyalty and desire to remain loyal, thats an understanding without clear definition. If each side expresses romantic love and desire, thats an understanding without clear definition of the relationship. If each side expresses a desire to build a future together and, and talk about plans, thats an understanding without a clear definition. In contract law theres such thing as an "implied relationship" based on actions and purposes of the relationship. Thats a legal concept that holds parties accountable for leading or misleading someone. Not saying anyone has to be doing either, just saying a clearly defined relationship arrangement, is nonsense when it comes from removing intent or responsibility. That thought process alone sounds like an avoidant personality, imo. Its a way to get what you want, then pull the rug out later with zero accountability. Thats all that is.

Totally agree 100% , especially the second part of your post.

I think its a trick of the mind and sort of like OCD.. you are in an endless loop. Cognitive therapy is the answer IMO.

Posted by Textosmoon
I think its a trick of the mind and sort of like OCD.. you are in an endless loop. Cognitive therapy is the answer IMO.

I mean its like an unsolved crime... the brain is obsessed about incomplete information .. and the truth is the other person is as clueless as you. They dont have extra clues.

And a therapist cant tell you what went on between two people they dont know too well.

SO i think you need cognitive therapy for thought loop obsessions and ruminations.

Posted by Textosmoon

Posted by Textosmoon
I think its a trick of the mind and sort of like OCD.. you are in an endless loop. Cognitive therapy is the answer IMO.

I mean its like an unsolved crime... the brain is obsessed about incomplete information .. and the truth is the other person is as clueless as you. They dont have extra clues.

And a therapist cant tell you what went on between two people they dont know too well.

SO i think you need cognitive therapy for thought loop obsessions and ruminations.

click to expand

I see what you mean and to be honest, if I need to, I just create the scenarios and fill in the gaps myself. I create a number of potential events, scenarios, possibilities and outcomes and I apply them all and make peace with them all. Therefore no matter what the blanks hold, I've made that peace. Unknown intimation can't pique my curiosity if my imagination has exhausted all the probabilities already and I STILL feel the same, regardless.

Posted by clare

Posted by Textosmoon

Posted by Textosmoon
I think its a trick of the mind and sort of like OCD.. you are in an endless loop. Cognitive therapy is the answer IMO.

I mean its like an unsolved crime... the brain is obsessed about incomplete information .. and the truth is the other person is as clueless as you. They dont have extra clues.

And a therapist cant tell you what went on between two people they dont know too well.

SO i think you need cognitive therapy for thought loop obsessions and ruminations.


click to expand

I see what you mean and to be honest, if I need to, I just create the scenarios and fill in the gaps myself. I create a number of potential events, scenarios, possibilities and outcomes and I apply them all and make peace with them all. Therefore no matter what the blanks hold, I've made that peace. Unknown intimation can't pique my curiosity if my imagination has exhausted all the probabilities already and I STILL feel the same, regardless.

click to expand

For some reason this reminded me of the film 'Run lola Run'. How clever of you. Isn't the mind mysterious?

Posted by Textosmoon

Posted by clare

Posted by Textosmoon

Posted by Textosmoon
I think its a trick of the mind and sort of like OCD.. you are in an endless loop. Cognitive therapy is the answer IMO.

I mean its like an unsolved crime... the brain is obsessed about incomplete information .. and the truth is the other person is as clueless as you. They dont have extra clues.

And a therapist cant tell you what went on between two people they dont know too well.

SO i think you need cognitive therapy for thought loop obsessions and ruminations.


click to expand

I see what you mean and to be honest, if I need to, I just create the scenarios and fill in the gaps myself. I create a number of potential events, scenarios, possibilities and outcomes and I apply them all and make peace with them all. Therefore no matter what the blanks hold, I've made that peace. Unknown intimation can't pique my curiosity if my imagination has exhausted all the probabilities already and I STILL feel the same, regardless.

For some reason this reminded me of the film 'Run lola Run'. How clever of you. Isn't the mind mysterious?

click to expand

Is it a good film? Not really. It goes and thinks stuff and I'm like, 'what are you doing'.

It's not that mysterious, but it gets in the way sometimes.

Posted by clare

Posted by Textosmoon

Posted by clare

Posted by Textosmoon

Posted by Textosmoon
I think its a trick of the mind and sort of like OCD.. you are in an endless loop. Cognitive therapy is the answer IMO.

I mean its like an unsolved crime... the brain is obsessed about incomplete information .. and the truth is the other person is as clueless as you. They dont have extra clues.

And a therapist cant tell you what went on between two people they dont know too well.

SO i think you need cognitive therapy for thought loop obsessions and ruminations.


click to expand

I see what you mean and to be honest, if I need to, I just create the scenarios and fill in the gaps myself. I create a number of potential events, scenarios, possibilities and outcomes and I apply them all and make peace with them all. Therefore no matter what the blanks hold, I've made that peace. Unknown intimation can't pique my curiosity if my imagination has exhausted all the probabilities already and I STILL feel the same, regardless.

For some reason this reminded me of the film 'Run lola Run'. How clever of you. Isn't the mind mysterious?
click to expand

Is it a good film? Not really. It goes and thinks stuff and I'm like, 'what are you doing'.

It's not that mysterious, but it gets in the way sometimes.

click to expand

It has a great soundtrack.



Its well shot and its different. I liked it. Old film.