still love for taurus....

so...

im a cancer woman

btw....what i am about to tell....after all that...still believe taurus is the best match

dated a amazingggg sweet taurus man for 8 months half way across the world

even knew my kids we are talking contact everyday and through videochat insigthts in our lives

on every social media you ca imagine

and yet ... i found out after all this...i need therapy to gain trust in people again and that i somehow fall for people with borderline and serious destructive paranoia!

had the most unbelievable and horrible year ever. we are talking....really .....im suprised i have absolutely no urge to kill myself....

for some reason....i value myself even more

i went to see him. we planned everything. however i never been to his side of the world and true: i planned horibbly

he made promises too and told me not to worry

he had bipolar disorder and told me from the get go

i have add

but...now....i am pretty sure its more then that with him

came there: happiest day of my life

the first time we saw eachother was amazing

i love him. even though i have no intension ever seeing him again

he is perfect in any way

and im not talking outside even though i think he is the most sexy man ever

we knew we had speedbumps to face

but we had alottttt. i am talking logistics. part of my money got stolen. but nevertheless we lived from my money the whole time. but a place to stay and logistics was an incredible problem

he doesnt have a place of his own

i know i know......everybody says im so stupid (what was i thinkingggg)

trust me .....i get his situation

he has not has it easy

he used to have it all

i know how it feels to have your whole world collapsing and everyone dropping the ball on you

but...eventhough he let me in his life.we our talking parents...closest friends

and i loved themmm tooo

untill from one moment to the next...it became to hard. he started yelling to me. accusing me of expecting him to solve everything. but i was in a strange country and i didn know the people or the means

and i had to go back anyway

but he said also he didnt wanted me to go

even talked about marriage 😢

during that time....we were so close....so he left his phone one day and he was out grocery shopping

a message popped up

im no fool

we live so far apart....its a big risk for him too...you never know if someone is really gonna come

so the idea of him entertaining other women...who cares....cause i was sitting at his parents place. but im not proud of that moment we just had a fight and that message was in my face

opened it......and there it was.......only two week before i came there....he didnt just sex chatted....no......told that.....woman.....(i think everyone is beautifull but if you gonna do that at least make sure she is better looking...at doesnt look like a exploded marsmallow with unicorn colours)

he told her with alllllllll emojis en so much he loved her

when he said the same thing to me however told me he had trouble saying this to people cause he was hurt before

the sex thing didnt even bother me

i knowwww.....thats not healthy i guess either but what really cut in to me

is the love you

that just cut me soooooo deep

cause.....i dont let people close to me as it is

i have major.....giant .......trust problems with my mom

and i found out now....i for some reason attract men who are just like my mom

believe the fantasy world they tell me and then when they find things that are not perfect about me ...they turn on me.....and then tell me ....i need them and im dependent of them

and actually believe i cant function witout them

can i do without them? well.....i must have some unhealthy need for them....underwise these things wont happen to me

but financially ? nooooooo

emtionally? and even that....after this....i think that door is closing too

like are there normal people still out there 😢

he at one pount ditched me at HIS friends family house

went back to his parents pplace and just left me there

hardly communication because he was dealing with anxiety

that is not a lie btw

however........

i was stuck......didnt know what exactly to do. no money and he didnt say: "i dont want to see you no more"

he wasnt clear

i on the other hand was stupid af and should have just gone home

it ended with me pushing communication....then meeting up alone with him: he claiming his phone back ( he had an old phone...i paid for the month prepaid plan so i could call and he too btw)

i didnt have a foreign phone that didnt work if he took the phone back. he knew this

then he started talking about that he was the best thing ever happening to him

and that i messed it up forever

0_0 that i was a liar

that everything i ever said was a lie

later i found out he called someone from back home ( a person who wasnt even close with me) and apparently some details didnt add up with what i told him. that i lied about....where i bought my HAIRSTUFF (what i bought with my own money but okay)

and therefor

i am a liar and.......

in his own words delussional.... 😢

borderline ......(i have official diagnose for add.....but okay...i have no moods...cant count how often he yelled at me)

and then when he called me a cunty bitch

i couldnt take it anymore

and walked away

he knows he has issues he even was gonna get commited

so many of his people...actually at some point told me ...i was a fool thinking he cared 😢

i thought i could never felt more hurt then that moment

untill the next day i got so mad

went back to claim my phone and at least my sd card back with all my memories of the trip and also other important photos

he wasnt there but his other phone was there

i bought him is other phone too (i know....i am typing this and thinking....im way toooooo giving and needy...thats what i need to work on)

so.....i took that phone. so i could make phonecalls..

little did i know

i could see all of his messages

and then i saw how he talked about me

lets say

if i should believe what he said

i am the lowest of low -_-

even his friends were feeling bad for me

and he?? coldddddd

lied to people about me

that moment....

being in a strange counrty

all alone and the one person that promised you the world and not only that also told this to other people

and let everyone believe you were partners on every level

telling about the future you were planning

and just because he heard weird details...not huge things

we are talking about things from the past before i knew him....told by someone who doesnt even know

but he failed me (but i kept trying cause i believed in us)....

and then finding out the last two weeks he was aready done....but pretended to me he still wanted me around , but left me on my own

makes me the fool

but is sooooo below the belt

eight months....

im not even a person that trusts to easily

trust me

i realllyyyyy see everything

notice everything

and certainly never traveled all across the world for someone

lets just say

im locked...

and unfortunalty one of the most amazing places in the world....cause the place itself is amazzzzzing...is not somewhere i would go back to that fast

and the funny part is

when he left i actually, even with not much....i survived by myself....but so lonely

0_0

anyway

i needed to just write this.....

im taking it day by day and started counseling

but ....i do see his good traits

his taurus positive traits

have a good day loves!