What should i do with this cancer guy?

Hi, i am so new in here and really need help from all of you for my situation.

Apprently, I am Aquarian girl who is currently being with Cancer guy . We have been together for three months. The first two months was perfect for me. Everything bw us was fantastic...he was very sweet , caring, understanding and thoughtful. He always shared things with me, everything I must say, even his past love life....how his exs cheated on him and how he has been so scared of feeling being cheated n get hurt. He cares everything for me and do care of how I feel. Honestly, i must say this is the first time for me to be with a Cancer guy. Its really hard for me to understand him, esp when his mood starts to swing. Anyways, everything would have been perfect for two of us if he hadnt been almost dead in the car accident one month ago.

Things totally changed since the day he almost died due to car accident. He totally changed himself. From caring n sweet to cold n distant person, this really hurts me a lot. He locked himself in his room, didnt want to talk or see his housemates including me, his gf....sigh...he doesnt want to talk or see anyone at all. As his gf, i feel like being left out, being ignored all the time since he chnaged himself like that. Me and his friends try to help him out but he kept refusing our help....he kept stating that leave him alone ,,,,didnt wanna get any help from anyone, including me... Been a month since the day he got car accident, we barely see each other , barely talk on the phone or txt....I tried to call and txt him just wanted to know if he was fine or not.,,,,but didnt get back anything from him....Then suddenly he appeared and txt me with random msg "Morming" . I was like wtf....is that all he wanted to say...nothing else—?


Then finally one day he called me out and we had a chance to talk in the car. He wanted to see me just because he wanted to let me know what really happened to him on the day he got car accident and how it affected his mind and feelings. He said that was the 1 st time he experienced a terrible car accident,,, eventhough he didnt have any physical injuries but somehow it still left some weird ideas in his mind. It totally distorted the way he thinks n sees someone. He said to me he didnt why he saved the life for the guy who was being hit by the car, didnt even think about himself....he said he always do all things good to everyone,,,,never think about himself...always helped everyone....

But now he says he starts to feel so bad whenever he helps someone....he starts to look down himself and hates himself so much.....One thing really pissed me off that was he said he didnt know why on the day he got car accident, the moment hes got scared,,,,no one came up in his mind to guide him to make a phone call for help...even me he said,,,,he didnt see the image of mine came up in his mind....and this made him jump to the conclusion that i was not the one for him...( i was like wtf he was thinking) and that was why he said break up to me in his car.... I could see a big conflict inside of him the moment i asked if he still loved me or not. He said he did love and care about me....i am very nice to him as he said and he didnt want to let me go...and kept saying the car accident showed him a sign what he really needed for his life....to be honest, he was freaked out and really confused...he admitted with me his mind was totally blank and couldnt think of anything....didnt even have any feelings for anything and anyone....I tried to calm him down and tried to take care of him a lot. I havent done anything that overwhelmed him. Just sometimes cook for him and txt him say hi and how are u bla bla...but he didnt reply anything...

One week after that, he suddenly called me out again and talked to me in the car. He said he did know what i tried to make him feel more comfortable and happier...he did know that as he insisted. And he said he felt panic n sort of pressure himself coz he couldnt do anything for me in return,,,,he felt extremely bad whenever he thought about that....he said he wanted to take a break on us coz he didnt want t do any unwanted hurt to me,,coz he knew he turned into different person after that car accident and couldnt take care of me or take any responsibility of what he did to me...

To be honest, i havent been in any break in relationship before,,,didnt really know how it works and what benefits it brings...so i felt so scared when he said take a break to me. I asked him what he meant by it, asked him if he wanted to break up...he said Not A BREAKUP, AND NOT A CONTINUE... ( again, I was like wtf....) didnt know what he meant. He kept confirming that was not a break up bw us....i was totally confused....

To me , I still care about him n love him so much...cook for him every weekend...one week ago, told him I cooked the most fav food for him. He said he would come n enjoy that food but...he didnt turn up at all...Needless to

.Needless to say , he didnt even call or txt to let me know the reason why he didnt come....just totally disappeared....I tried to call n txt him but he didnt pick up phone n txt me back....I was really pissed on that day and completely disappointed with him and his action. The next day he posted his status on fb like "Why one cant understand as human being ' s mind could b busy and that eating the real time"....the status didnt stay there for too long tho...he deleted it after few hours. ....m off from him til four days after that he appeared again and sent me a very short msg like " Morning"... Until now I havent replied him....i decide to back off a bit and see how things go.....i am still pissed with him and with what he did on that day to me....

Thanks Sneaky,
Until now I havent tried to txt him or anything....back off atm I can say. Honestly m tired of him, upset n frustrated with what he has done to me so far....

So u think he will come back—
U said u could smell so much b.s from my bf, did u mean he tried to show me he was a good guy but in fact he wasnt from what he said to me so far —

I see...

So what does " Not a breakup but not a continue" really mean? M confused when he said that to me.

Sorry m so new in here so i dont understand what treetrunk means.....plz explain it to me...thanks Sneaky. Does it mean hang me in this relationship for a while with all confusing things??!

He sounds to me like he wantsto be a person who controls this relationship.

What the .... So what he really means is sort of be with someone else n f......for a while...then will come back —?

As I mentioned above, he didnt turn up the dinner , then next day, he posted his facebook status was WHAT ONE CANT UNDERSTAND AS HUMAN BEING ' S MIND COULD BE EXTREMELY BUSY AND THAT EATING THE REAL TIME. I know he pointed at me....but does that status make sense to you—

First part i could understand but the second one i couldnt understand what he tried to say.

Anyways, i would like to ask u if u dont mind to answer my question. I was told that cancer guys dont like being taken care of coz they may consider it as a control / insecurity issue. Is it true or not?

Last Wednesday , he suddenly appeared n sent a random msg to me like Morning. With one word like that...did he mean few things by saying that—

Hi BikerCh1ck,

Thanks for your feedback.

Well, regarding the car accident, he said at that time, no one came up to his mind , including me...so he jumped to a conclusion that i was not a person for him?! ( no one came up in mind , even parents,,,, only one came up was his dog as being said by him )....sounds superstitious i think...ridiculous...Also he stated that he was so scared n did think of coming back to Hong Kong n breaking up with me on the day having his car accident. But he wasnt strong enough to do that and had to hold things back.....

I really dnt know n cant understand him....sometimes i wanna believe him n try to help him out , dont wanna turn my back on him while hes in deep shit...but somehow i sense something very ridiculous from what he has said...... Thats why made me keep thinking n confusing all the time....really headache ya know.

@ bikerch1ck,

Regarding his past love life, ya he did tell me that his ex gfs before cheated on him and kept asking me that why he was so good to them but they just treated him like that...if didnt love him anymore then say it,,,dont cheat. Thats what he kept asking me the reasons why for and another thing is when we were together , he kept telling me with kind of beggy attitude that plz dont cheat on him...if i dont love him anymore, just tell him so.

He also said coz he had been cheated a lot like that.. That was why there was a time he tried to revenge those gfs cheated on him...but not revenged on his ex gfs tho but tried to be with a new girl instead n played around with her , then dumbed her to be with someone else...that was a way he revenged as he admitted to me.

@ feb16aqua,

U think m selfish— M trying hard to understand him n understand what hes been through...but...does he really want me to help him or not— Not at all ya know!!!!

Can u control ur negative thoughts — Is no, then i will say neither do i. Its normal to feel unsure n confused with what he said at some points. Plz read my post carefully again...u will see some points very ridiculous.

If i was being selfish with him, i would turn my back on him after one week of car accident coz couldnt stand his cold n distant attitude...but did i do that to him—? I DIDNT !!!

I am still there for him, care for him n look after him.

Sorry i dont think m selfish !

I know how cancerians are extremely emotional n sensitive.

The thing is after the car accident, he was cold n distant to not only me but his housemates who best friends of his since high school. They told me he acted so weird , not him at all...been so agitated n aggressive with everyone....slammed the doors at home...locked himself in his room and can get annoyed , nervous n aggressive anytime with who tries to help him....always states leave him alone...


He sorts of retreats himself into his shell.

I have been in a serious car accident that included a fatality in the other car and I walked away with very little injury. Wasn't my fault, but I had no control and had to sit on a bridge waiting for the other car to fly through the air before it hit me. Longest few seconds in my life and in 5-10 seconds 5 thousand thoughts will run across your brain simultaneously. I will tell you, that things go through your mind is overwhelming. Especially after its all over. You start questioning the survivorship and why you deserved to live and someone else didn't. You question your priorities in life. You question or confirm the existence of God and guardian angels. You want to be left alone, but you don't. You question the people in your life and your relationships. You question your career choice and whether you're happy or not. You question does it really matter the type of house/car I have? Should I be doing more with my life? Should I get more involved in charity? More involved in Church? There are thousands of thoughts you never really considered before and now they are naked right there in front of you.

It can be a life changing experience. You realize how short life is and you have a chance to make changes.

This guy is in the process of figuring out where you are and what your place is in your relationship. Does he want a relationship with you? Is he happy with you? Do you deserve him? Is this what he wants? Does he need to go another direction in life? Etc.

I think he is confused and doesn't know what he wants. It's up to you whether you want to be patient for him to figure it out (give him a time frame if you do. Don't sit around waiting forever.) or whether you don't want to deal with it. Cancers are wishy washy anyway and very emotional. He will string this for as long as you will let him, though.

Is he on painkillers? Those could alter his actions and thought processes as well.

Posted by Hawaiiangirl
@ feb16aqua,

U think m selfish— M trying hard to understand him n understand what hes been through...but...does he really want me to help him or not— Not at all ya know!!!!

Can u control ur negative thoughts — Is no, then i will say neither do i. Its normal to feel unsure n confused with what he said at some points. Plz read my post carefully again...u will see some points very ridiculous.

If i was being selfish with him, i would turn my back on him after one week of car accident coz couldnt stand his cold n distant attitude...but did i do that to him—? I DIDNT !!!

I am still there for him, care for him n look after him.

Sorry i dont think m selfish !

Really— Feb16 got called out on negative thoughts and BikerChick didn't??

Guess the negativity is all in perspective. I personally, don't think either was negative, they just gave you two different perspectives.

Posted by Hawaiiangirl

I know how cancerians are extremely emotional n sensitive.

The thing is after the car accident, he was cold n distant to not only me but his housemates who best friends of his since high school. They told me he acted so weird , not him at all...been so agitated n aggressive with everyone....slammed the doors at home...locked himself in his room and can get annoyed , nervous n aggressive anytime with who tries to help him....always states leave him alone...


He sorts of retreats himself into his shell.

This should support that it's not just you he's being this way with.

@ truecap:

He is not in painkiller. Actually after car accident, he saw three dif psychologists n told them what happened to him on that day and how he reacted things n behavioured so weird like that. All three of professionals asked him the same question like If he did have any big hurdles in his childhood or not. He said a Yes. He hasnt told me thw whole story what happened to him in childhood, he said to me he would tell me about that later when he got ready n feel more comfortable to let me know about that. He just briefly told me that the accident somehow reminded him of his childhood. He couldnt forget what happened to him when he was a child n how his parents treated him so cruelly, like an animal ( i could see he started to cry but he tried his best to control his tears ). I sort of shut up myself n didnt say or ask in details about his childhood.

Well, then this accident has brought it all back fresh. This is like a post traumatic stress disorder. Most of us have NO IDEA what other people have lived through. It amazes me how some people can function at all. So depends on what wound this has opened, depends on his time frame for getting over it. I'm guessing for a cancer, it may take a while.

He's in the process of putting things in perspective and he really isn't in a place to do the relationship thing. He needs to get right with himself. I actually agree that this is the time when you show him you are a friend and prove that you will stick by him and be loyal to him. I'm saying this from a cap perspective as those are things that are important to us, but cancers are our opposite and I'm pretty sure they are pretty similar on those traits. Don't question him or push him about the relationship. If you stick by him (and he lets you), you will have a very bonded relationship. If he needs to cut things off in order to get his life back on track without the added responsibility/pressure/whatever of a relationship, then don't get upset, just be his friend because you've GOT to understand how you would be if roles were reversed.

This is not going to be an easy path.

Remember, how you handle this will be the determining factor in your future relationship with him.

If he shuts you out, then he shuts you out. If he cuts it off, he cuts it off. You can't control that, but you can react with support and dignity. If you respond this way, you will always be the girl that got away and he will have fond thoughts of you regardless how this turns out. If he lets you in, then hooray!

Just sayin'.

He has been being weird like that for more than a month since that accident happened.

Bw us, not really a breakup yet. He hangs me in this relationship by saying a thing like NOT A BREAKUP BUT NOT A CONTINUE

M on hold or not, u tell me but the only thing I know is getting better day by day without him there...atm m thinking about him but not too much like I used to do. I dont really have the urge to txt or call him like before....

He is really traumatized from the accident or not or as u said he just used it as an excuse to be away from me....either one of them is true or not...we dnt know....neither do i....only he himself knows the answer....and this action from cancer guys drive so many girls crazy . Honestly, i used to be affected too much from his attitude n actions.....felt down all the time....but not now....at least now i enjoy myself ,,, and kind of move on my life....m not saying m looking for another guy...i dont meant that...m moving on my life to make it better...make myself feel more comfortable with free of confusion n frustration.

i have got so much headache with this guy ya know....

Now I can only focus on my own things first. If you dont mind, pm me if your situation and how u went through that.
Thanks BikerCh1ck

Perhaps, you should approach him with the statement something like "I know you're in a tough spot right now and you want to put our relationship on hold. I understand that and will agree to do so. I think we should be just friends right now and I will be here and support you. But you've got to understand, since we are taking a break from our relationship, that means I will be doing my own thing and that could include going out with someone else occasionally."

That way, you're supportive and letting him know you understand, but you're also letting him know you won't wait around forever and there's a chance he could lose you.