How do you Handle Ex Talk?

I'm having a really, really hard time listening to 'this guy' talk about his ex girlfriends.

On the one hand, he's extremely private and most of the things people know about him come from second, or third parties. So the fact he trusts me enough to tell me his business speaks volumes.
I know this.

I listen (don't say much of course) and take it all in because I want to know more about him and know about the hootchies of the past that can't hold a candle to me. (haha!) He speaks like he's working through it, reflecting and recognizing what went wrong.
These relationships are over and done and he's not going back. I can hear it in his voice and how he talks about them. Lots of *what was I thinking* talk. I know the last gf is still trying to get back in because the breakup was fairly recent and he's quite the guy. I'd try to hang on too.

I want to know these things. I'm glad he's opening up. But I can't f**king stand it!!!

I could feel myself getting distant and trying to separate myself from the conversation.
Now I'm filled with crazy thoughts and can't stop brooding. It's torture!

I don't want to tell him it drives me crazy cause... that would be selfish and drive communication back another year if I cut him off at the knees when he's being so forthcoming.
It's my problem, not his.

Cancers, do you hate hearing about ex's? How the hell do you deal with it?

Crabs are ALL THE TIME TALKING ABOUT THEIR EXES TOO!!
and the rest of us have to bear it.
Crabs love to reminiscence about the past and will mention exes in conversations.
To be honest it doesn't bother me that much when he tells me about an ex, he does it in a respectful way, never with details or unnecessary information.
I noticed when I mentioned an ex, he didnt like it at all, he went pale and didn't say much.
I try not to mention exes that much because I know he is more jealous and sensitive in that respect than me.
I think anyway I should worry more, because Crabs live in the past much more than other signs, so that means he probably thinks of exes more than I do (I dont really think of them). So ALL THE OTHER SIGNS SHOULD WORRY, not you dear!!!


You shouldn't overanalyze this , we all have past relationships, they are over, if the guy is investing time and love in you its because he wants to... 🙂

Posted by treefrogger

Is this guy a significant other or a friend?

He's an 'undefined other'.

I've never liked hearing much about past relationships. Definitely no details because I can read plenty between the lines.

Its all relevant in topic and timing so not really something too worry, but the irrational can be difficult to suppress.

@PiscesArgie... Your Crab went pale, huh! LMAO!! that kills me...

I don't talk about my ex's much, only in passing and definitely not about how I felt in them. Does your Crab talk about things they did together, or what went wrong in their relationship? When this Fish talks, it's about his emotions in the relationship and how he was or wasn't treated.

Maybe it's all the talk about feelings that has me uncomfortable.
He could be probing to get some info out of me as well.
Hmm..

damn overanalyzing! seriously, I just need to relax...

My Crab has talked about what things went wrong, and sometimes he tells some anecdotes of his past and mentions an ex, but never telling me intimate things....He has not been disrespectful.
When he first met me, he googled my name and found a website I have promoting my services as photographer, and there were some artistic photos I had with an ex..(sweet photos, in black and white) he did mention having seen them and feeling so bad about it!!
Out of respect, I deleted those photos from the website...
And the going PALE, YES, he did go pale...and suddenly was quiet.
I know he got hurt.
He is very sensitive but seldom shows his emotions, in the outside he seems cool, but I know better. I never hurt him on purspose or try to get him to be jealous, but I have discovered he likes it when I get jealous!!!

Just tell him you don't like talking about it and that it bothers you. Drop the hammer on his shell!

No need to beat the bush around with the crab, sometimes you just got to crack that shell open and cook the tender meat inside!

=]

Posted by Smiles24
Just tell him you don't like talking about it and that it bothers you. Drop the hammer on his shell!

No need to beat the bush around with the crab, sometimes you just got to crack that shell open and cook the tender meat inside!

=]

yEAH, this is good stuff!
And he will probably feel good because he will enjoy a LOT your being jealous!!!
Crabbies love it when their girls feel jealous, it reaffirms that you love them, haha

i never talk about my exes unless it is really relevant to the conversation, ie someone asking. honestly i would just say that you're not comfortable with having to hear about them all the time.

See honestly, I'm a crab and I never like to bring up past relationships w/my girlfriend because all she does is get jealous off of that shit just leads to another pointless arguement.

LEAVE IT BE AND DON'T ASK!

Usually I always say don't bring up a subject that you don't want to know about or ask a question you don't want an answer too because either way; I'll give a straight forward honest answer! Aggrivating..

Smiles =]

Posted by treefrogger

Shellshocker, "undefined other" ... I have to look that up. I've never heard of anyone referred to as that. Man, I need start learning these terms. I feel like an idiot! Either way, it's normal to feel that way. But be careful, suppressing it for too long could be a bad thing.

I don't know if you'll find it treefrogger, I kinda made it up. It's a 'more than friends, not yet lovers' type of thing. If all this ex talk continues I don't know if it'll ever get off the ground! It's NOT a turn on...

I'll definitely try changing the subject if it comes up again. If he doesn't get the hint, he'll be hearing some of my sarcasm.

If someone asks me stuff about my past, I'll tell them... once. Then they best leave the topic alone.

And yes, I DO like it when my 'other' gets a little jealous! Shows they care...

How about you tell him like you told us? How about in words that he will HEAR - and NOT get angry or defensive about?

Opening line (when things are feeling happy and good, NOT when things are tense - otherwise it could feel like an attack): "Honey, I love feeling close to you and I feel very flattered and special that you're comfortable enough to share this with me... But hearing about exes feels really yucky and upsetting to me, and I want to enjoy my time with you. I would feel so appreciative if exes were only mentioned in vague terms, without intimate details. What do you think?"

^^ That will open the door for a real conversation about it. He'll probably be incredibly willing to change it, once he knows it bothers you. But he's not a mind reader, you know. He can probably tell there's something wrong (tension, shutting down, etc).. but chances are he's baffled and clueless about what's causing it OR what to do about it.

And if he's NOT willing to stop reminiscing about past loves in deep, intimate detail to you even though it makes you uncomfortable.. well, there's a clear answer right there -- "undefined other" probably can't go the distance to "significant other" yes?

^^ true enough...

I'm conflicted because the information I'm getting is great. I mean these women were a bit messed and I'm acting like his sound board and confirming that his wants and desires in a relationship are NOT unrealistic. He just wasn't going to get his needs met with the women he was seeing.

This is reassuring to me... my emotional response is not.

The information is respectful too; nothing unnecessary or moments shared between them. The fact that he told me his ex gf is sending him texts and emails and he's ignoring her and becoming irritated with her behavior is golden! He's pretty much saying...'I'm over her, I want her to go away and this is why.."

I think any rational human being would not have much of a problem with hearing this.
However, I'm a silly, irrational creature... and like to make myself feel better by blaming it on the stars. 🙂

Mmm.. it DOES seem minor to me.. but this isn't about what *I* think of talking about exes.. this is about what YOU FEEL when the guy you like talks about other girls.

I'm a HUGE fan of a woman telling a man about her true, genuine feelings and emotions. Not in a verbal blow out, and not in a "fix it NOW damnit" way... just calmly telling him how you feel - cuz otherwise, he can't possibly know.

So my advice is pretty much the same.. TALK to him about how you FEEL... open up a conversation about it. Tell him that you're also feeling weirdly jealous and unsure and don't know why.. ask him what HE thinks about all that, invite him to exchange ideas about it.

SHELLSHOCKER

I guess you should tell him how you feel, but ,on the other hand, this is useful info for you!
you are not yet in a relationship with him, and what he is telling you, which by the way is respectful and not detailed or impolite, could help you see what he wants out of relationships, what he wont put up with, and so on.
be tactful in what you say, because he is opening up, which is not easy..
in the meantime, assess if it is the talk that bothers you , or your own insecurities and jealosy...

I think in my case it helped me to hear what my Crab had gone trhough, to discover he had suffered, he had been let down and misjudged, what he had done with other women (not sex details or things like that, but he told me how his last relationships were like, and at the moment I hated the talk but then, it made me feel much better when I discovered how different our relationship was from the others and how special I could be to him ...)

I say USE the info for your own benefit...but if it bugs you too much,let him know VERY gently and discreetely!

I think it would depend on whether they were pining away for them when they talk or just saying what a learning or hard experience was it was for them. May depend on what direction but I would think you could only have so many conversations about exs without sounding like the repeat button has been pressed. That would be hard to continue to listen to.