I plan to use this forum as my personal journal!

feel free to commence ignoring me!


Oh godddddddddddd life!

No but seriously, wtf. 😢

Ugh MY HEART HURTS in that way I think only a Cancer could truly understand..

I hope when I get around to writing it out (sometime today probably) there will be some support!

haha oh no you guys are so defensive, are the leos really that bad to us ? |I wasnt having a real go,
I am a cancer, sillies, and I am going through a heart break thing..

I just thought it was funny the posts I was reading about personal journals and I'm thinking, oh man I can tend to do that to a forum when I'm emotional about something (like now)! so I was simply warning ahead 😄

My bf is a cancerleo cusp as well. Can I ask a question in your personal journal?

haha coldwater

absolutely hun! absofuckinlutely.

Though I warn you I am Aquarius rising and that part of me, outside of heartbreak mode is what tends to be my main personality. (I think)



Aurora, you're a doll and I look forward to your support when I get around to writing it out.. Im stealing a few moments here from daily life so no time to go into it yet.. a few hours (and drinks... and scoops of ice cream) later I'll get it all out.

Oh life.

Thanks alot....

Im an aquarius so we will get along just fine.

Ok. My bf is a cancerleo cusp. Weve been dating for less than a year. Over this period he had mentioned marriage three times. Recently he hinted to having my christmas present in his jacket pocket. I just posted this in the aqua forum as its driving me crazy.


Its got to be jelewry. My mind is going a thousand places.

A cancer wouldnt mention marriage lightly would he?

Go for it, should be interesting.
I wonder how different cancer cusps feel to "full" Cancers.

Ok I was married to a cancer, this either makes me a good candidate to answer your question cause I've been there, or really horrible, because I'm biased so take from this what you will...

In my experience, my cancer guy brought up marriage fairly quickly.. I found out later on he had been engaged to other women, some of them he had never even met (he sent a ring to some girl he barely knew, in another country).. he was serious about it, we did get married (after a lot of drama and breakups in between) and he was equally as serious about getting the hell out of it when it was over..

I feel like they(haha .. ok ok, we)are too easily put in that mental state and it just doesn't mean as much as a result... does that make sense?
Anyone who is willing to make a LIFE TIME COMMITMENT to me, after only knowing me less than a year would have my hackles up..

I say that as a divorced old lady with lots of crappy experiences though haha,

MAYBE this is magical and wonderful and will work out super for you and i really do hope that's the case, I just know that after living the things I have lived, that would send me packing.

keep me updated though I'm super curious if its a nice ring! 😄

Thanks lunar....

If he asks I most certainly will. I just got out of a long term relationship, but I do love him. He has sacrificed alot for me. Its funny...the cancer makes him so moody and the leo...well goodness soooo stubborn and fixed hes unmovable. I guess I will see at christmas time. If not, we can just continue to date.

Thanks cancerleo.....

I appreciate the honesty. I will think about alot of things you have mentioned. If he does propose then we can have a long engagement. Less than a year is a short time....i agree. Hes an excellent provider...workaholic. He loves me...hes sacrificed so much to be with me...etc. I do love him. I have not long been single so I think thats why he began testing the waters. I guess I shall know soon enough. If it was just a nice necklace I would be just as happy. I guess time tells all things. I shall keep you posted.

Now about me and my cancer heart being all achy and emo

I have to start off by saying this annoys the HELL out of me. No matter how hard I try to bury my cancer tendencies deep deep inside me there they are ready to make me an emotional wreck. At least on the inside.

After above mentioned divorce, from a guy who, well lets just say wasn't very nice to me, 5 years ago and a rebound affair that proved only just how badly the marriage/divorce had messed me up I became celibate.

No dates
no sex
not so much as a cuddle.


I did however, go back to school to change careers, lose a shit ton of weight, Develop a whole slew of new hobbies and interests and make tons of really great friends as well as reconnected with old ones. I have a network that simply did not exist before and a life I am proud to live. it's like all that stereotypical go girl go shit. Except it's really not shit and I recommend it to everyone (whether youre in a happy relationship or not)

New confidence notwithstanding there still lay this deep seated fear of intimacy inside of me. I simply cannot imagine touching someone physically without knowing them in a very deep way.. I dunno about the guys YOU date but I have yet to find a guy who wants to "hang out getting to know me" whilst not getting laid. The longest a guy has lasted with -that- scenario was 3 months. Who can blame them? I didn't I simply chose to stop trying.


Well *I* may have but my heart didn't..

To fill in the gaps that would have otherwise been taken up with a bf, I started hanging out in a voice chat room ONLINE..Oh god I know.. so lame right?

so i met a guy..
a celibate guy
who lived in my city.

We talked, a lot. Then we talked even more. Got to the point we were pulling all nighters talking up a storm, you know those pre relationship interview sorts of talks, "what would you do in such and such situation" I mean it got deep, we were even discussing ways we would parent our children..

I feel so stupid even typing any of this..I am so stupid. such a hopeless romantic, everything told me this was fishy.. why hadnt he tried to meet yet (the scared part of me loved that he hadn't)

ugh Ill try to wrap this up because the details dont really matter at this point.. basically 6 months in (now) I was pressing to meet and had in fact decided that if he had not asked me to meet him by the 14th of November I would walk away...turns out I never got the chance because he pulled the great disappearin

cont:

disappearing act the Saturday beforehand


This guys an Aquarius so basically everything |I read is all |OH ITS OK HE IS JUST THINKING THROUGH HIS FEELINGS LOGICALLY AND WILL BE BACK TO JUMP IN" making it REALLY HARD TO MOVE ON

No dude, no he isnt. CANCER WANTS TO CLING TO THIS IDEA ..but no, no cancer side Im sorry thats not the case as much as you want it to be.. This guy bailed on you. You opened yourself up to something you told yourself you wouldnt ever open yourself up to, and you got burned... again. GOOD JOB DUMBASS.

😢

I bought myself flowers, and ice cream and booze.

I am so cancer right now, I feel so hurt and betrayed and stupid and lonely and scared and CANCER SO GODAMNED CANCER.
my leo/aqua is all, girl be logical, Girl you are to good for these internet fools, go on a date with your hot self. Go be fab.. but cancer just wants to suck back the booze and ice cream and cry in my gorgeous bed with 25 pillows and matching duvet,

Oh personal journal, I knew you'd understand -cling-

haha this guy I have known for a few years asked me if Im still not boning anyone, and I had to admit I was almost willing to try again..

I also said;

I want to be magically swept of my feet and form a deep emotional connection with someone via the secret world of internet voice chats and then be abandoned so I can play out tragically romantic fantasies in my head rather than face the reality that I probably couldn't have boned this guy anyway.. now its like..his fault we didnt bone and not at all my own mental fuck.

its cute to me how being self aware does does not in any small way actually change the crazy.

Posted by BlackIndian22
Well im a Cancer guy with Cancer rising. Im here for you if you need help. I may not know what your situation is, but i been through alot of heartbreaks. Anyways, im here if you wanna talk ")

Thanks! Thats very cancery of you.

I think you are more than ok.

Just put down the booze and icecream and straighten out those pillows! ( secretely jealous of your beautiful bed).

Dont make someones hangup your own. Its his problem he couldnt recognize your greatness! Finding these things out early, well before you have years vested, is a blessing in itself. I say embrace both sides of you. Although you may feel "very cancer" now, I think thats a large part of what makes you beautiful and will keep your head clear as to what you want.

Maybe the cancer part reminds you of what your inherent needs are... what you as a woman need to feel complete and fulfilled. That in itself is something most people dont have. Most people dont even know themselves, but you my dear most certainly do. Now hopefully, the leo side will kick in and youll start demanding more of yourself and going out and getting whats yours.Let your aquarian indifference kick in and simply fade him from your memory.

Just brush your shoulders off and get out there. Remember your a queen. The world is so yours....you will find your happiness.

Posted by coldwater
I think you are more than ok.

Just put down the booze and icecream and straighten out those pillows! ( secretely jealous of your beautiful bed).

Dont make someones hangup your own. Its his problem he couldnt recognize your greatness! Finding these things out early, well before you have years vested, is a blessing in itself. I say embrace both sides of you. Although you may feel "very cancer" now, I think thats a large part of what makes you beautiful and will keep your head clear as to what you want.

Maybe the cancer part reminds you of what your inherent needs are... what you as a woman need to feel complete and fulfilled. That in itself is something most people dont have. Most people dont even know themselves, but you my dear most certainly do. Now hopefully, the leo side will kick in and youll start demanding more of yourself and going out and getting whats yours.Let your aquarian indifference kick in and simply fade him from your memory.

Just brush your shoulders off and get out there. Remember your a queen. The world is so yours....you will find your happiness.

haha Thanks girl!

Its so funny but since my forum binge of last night, I actually feel all of it coming into place.. I fed my cancer ice cream and allowed her to cry in the comfy bed (which by the way is a king sized memory foam with goose down duvet) I fed aqua with the booze, numbed it out allowed the indifference in and I fed my leo queens pride with the flowers, and pampering I deserve!

it's allllll good.

Ahhhh its perfect. Love the teddy bear.

Posted by aurora
So you basically miss the dream you had with Aqua guy? Do you realize that everything was a dream? But that's the catch with this online chatting, developing real feelings for something that really doesn't exist. It's really pointless to elaborate this because it won't change how you feel.

So, deal with this like it's a regular break up. Cry, eat ice cream (not too much!), and then, after some time, you could meet someone through your circle of friends.

sorry but we dont see eye to eye here, and youll never change my mind. I have been married, had common law relationships and yes, been romanced online. There is -no- difference as far as the start of a relationship goes

The -same- chemicals are released into your body giving you the same high, same attachments, same hopes, dreams, desires and fears.
the chances of this working out (or not) are the same, the chances of this person being a fake liar, are the same irl, or not.

can you -love- someone you havent met? no I will not go that far, but infatuation is not love, and infatuation is the same across the board no matter who you feel it for or where.

this was not a dream and to say so belittles me and my feelings and what I had with this guy.

It is no more a dream, than the beginning of ANY relationship...which yeh granted i guess they are all dreams arent they.. You dont create any kind of reality without first dreaming up the reality you want.. we did that -together- and that means something to me even though it didnt pan out.

You can actually become much much closer via online means than you ever would going out for coffee once a week irl with some dude, which is what constitutes -dating- these days. I find irl dating to be far more shallow, and fake.

Not interested in my circle of friends, not interested in dating.

I am interested in spending 6 months minimum up to a year getting to know someone very intimately in a mental way before -any- kind of physical touch is even an option and that does not exist in the dating world. It's not fair to date men I know want to get laid sometime in the next few weeks..not fair to either of us.

I will treat this like a breakup because that is what this is. Every single bit as real as any breakup I ever had with guys I touched and smelled.

It's all just chemical this early in and the chemical high we felt... the loss of it will be

mourned.

Posted by Jynja
Post your chart. I'm interested

oh uhh i dunno when i found this forum last week I just googled astro chart and plopped in my birthday/time/location and it told me I was a cancer leo cusp with aquarius rising, which really, all makes sense..I dunno about anything else?

Im really all over the place but fairly in tune with how, and what to do with it.

Zodiac in degrees 0.00 Placidus Orb:0
Sun Cancer 28.55 Ascendant Aquarius 2.01
Moon Leo 16.21 II Pisces 21.25
Mercury Cancer 25.04 III Taurus 0.03
Venus Cancer 1.39 IV Taurus 26.34
Mars Libra 23.10 V Gemini 17.31
Jupiter Scorpio 1.18 VI Cancer 7.38
Saturn Libra 16.26 VII Leo 2.01
Uranus Sagittarius 0.43 R VIII Virgo 21.25
Neptune Sagittarius 24.48 R IX Scorpio 0.03
Pluto Libra 24.13 Midheaven Scorpio 26.34
Lilith Capricorn 3.26 XI Sagittarius 17.31
Asc node Cancer 13.20 XII Capricorn 7.38


is this whatcha meant?

Posted by xxnightbynight
perhaps it goes deeper than what's on the surface. it's not always about what you see infront of you but what you feel inside of you. - that includes a computer screen. 😉

-nod-

This is how I feel on the subject.

then again I am the sort of person who can feel deeply for a complete stranger I read about in the paper. Logically I know enough not to invest a lot into something like that but the feelings are there.

Posted by Jynja
Moon Leo - explains it all. 😄

hahah yeh I knew enough to tell you that one..oh boy is it ever 😄

gooddd theres so much cancer in there... I dont want any!! -stomps foot-

Nah I have to appreciate it, I work with children and I know that cancer side to me is what makes me a wonderful caring and sweet person, but thats all the crap that annoys me about myself as well, and causes me emotional pain that quite frankly, the leo in me scorns, and rolls her eyes at.

I wouldnt be me without it though and I should appreciate it more I GUESS :p

😄

Everything is fine and then suddenly I am just overwhelmed with sadness over this loss.
Such a disappointment.
Such a blow to my ego.

or maybe I just shouldn't have skipped thismornings jog

I know that you feel sad about things , but look at it like this....... Its good that you feel sad because at least you know it was real for you....you were there...you are not barren in feelings. Your past experiences have not crippled you. You still can love and want to be loved. I say embrace this sadness and be thankful for it.....

Imagine if you felt nothing.....which is worse?

Posted by coldwater
I know that you feel sad about things , but look at it like this....... Its good that you feel sad because at least you know it was real for you....you were there...you are not barren in feelings. Your past experiences have not crippled you. You still can love and want to be loved. I say embrace this sadness and be thankful for it.....

Imagine if you felt nothing.....which is worse?

so true coldwater, thats a really good perspective on things.
thank you for your as always, positive spin!

Posted by aurora
CancerLeoDynamite

My point is that it is impossible to get to know someone through online chatting — that is important to you, and that's why I'm saying it, also the mind has this tendencies to extrapolate when it doesn't have enough information. You just can't compare 6 months of dating — real life situations, thousands of them, and 6 months of chatting — only one situation. Also my definition of love is not only about what I feel, it's just a small part of it.
But I get it that you feel love by your own definition and that you lost it. So I probably won't participate this thread anymore, because I can't relate to this. Good luck 🙂.

theres no way anyone has thousands of experiences with someone in 6 months of rl dating. Things move so much quicker online,..irl dating over a period of six months? hah
it would feel creepy to me, to be sharing really personal stories into the wee hours of the morning cause who has time to go on a REAL DATE more than twice a week at most? So 2 dates a week, maybe 3 hours each cause sorry but I gotta get home to finish doing..whatever it is I didnt finish in the morning, and be in bed by 11 to get up at 7 and do it all over again yaknow? weekends? Youre still not gonna spend more than a few hours together..

Ive done both ways, from my experience, I can become closer, quicker, online without all my weirdo hangups about physical intimacy getting in the way (which is a whole nother issue and we dont need to get into it, but suffice it to say, my situation is not normal and i don't pretend it is, I'm working on it as best I can -shrug-)

That being said, I differentiate between infatuation and love..
I never loved this guy..

I do not believe you can love someone you never met because I too, have a definition of love which encompasses much more than a feeling. In fact to me love isn't a feeling at all, but an action that represents respect.. many actions, over many years..

However
I did -know- the parts of him he wanted me to know (which would be the same irl - who can u really know in six months? hell, who can you really know in 6 years? I was married to a man who, in hindsight I probably didnt know at all and he sure as hell didnt know me)

I agree that it -is- all about shared experiences, and i just cant explain it without sounding like a massive dork (which is probably not far from the truth 😄 )

but we shared TONS of experiences together in an environment we both felt comfortable in. So they aren't experiences you've had, or would want to.. Doesn't change the fact that we had them.. together.

If you haven't experienced that particular form of getting to know someone intimately you simply can not ever understand it.

I bonded with someone.

Whether that someone was real or not is of little consequence to my heart which now feels the sting of loss.

-shrug-

And well...its hard to get to know anyone anyways because people are constantly changing. I am not the same woman I was in my twenties. And what was important for a mate in my twenties is not the same as in my thirties. I think the phrase..."people grow apart.." is so very true. Its like you never know how fast this evolution will happen however. Never know if the man you meet today will be the same as the man tomorrow.

P.S.

none of this is really as big as I'm making it out to be either, I just tend to get really OCD about.. well,
everything.

It's a fresh wound, one which hurts not even a fraction as badly as past wounds I've gotten over.

I'll be fine sooner than later.

Ranting to strangers online is part of my personal healing routine, I know what works for me and I'm utilizing it.

Thanks to all for participating, in whatever way that happened to be.
It has not gone unappreciated.

Posted by coldwater
And well...its hard to get to know anyone anyways because people are constantly changing. I am not the same woman I was in my twenties. And what was important for a mate in my twenties is not the same as in my thirties. I think the phrase..."people grow apart.." is so very true. Its like you never know how fast this evolution will happen however. Never know if the man you meet today will be the same as the man tomorrow.

holy shit youre in your thirties?? Judging by your photos I thought you were 23 at most.

haha anyway i could not agree with you more, I am NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT the same person I was, just 5 years ago.

unfortunately this same principle is what has my aqua on the run.. He fears the growing apart, becoming different people and having to suffer the loss of that person and the relationship. (which is what happened with his x of 9 years) We've discussed it many times, I know his fears about it and I understand them but...

at this point im just like

boo hoo dude, get the fuck over it, and Im gonna pie you in the face.

Posted by aurora
Ok, I didn't want to offend you or to belittle you because I have some strong opinions about many things, but they are important to me, not to explain someone how to live their life.

I actually remembered one story. When I was 25 I was in a relationship with a Pisces. And his mother is a Pisces too. So, one time she told me a story how she and her husband met. She lived in a small village and he lived near, but in a different village. Both of them moved in a capital city for education. Their parents knew each other, but I'm not really sure that they ever met (I can't remember). Maybe just once, when they were kids. Somehow, they exchanged their addresses (both of them were alone, confused in a big city), and they never met during the school, they just wrote to each other. That lasted for years. They were very much occupied with schooling (both of them were very successful later, phds, postdocs...). Just by writing letters they decided to get married as soon as they finish their education (all that happened in sixties). And they did. And they stayed together until he died.

I can't tell (also from her stories) that she was happy in that marriage. I actually thought that she wasn't happy at all. But I think she is just that kind of a person, never happy about anything. But that's not important. The thing is that they formed a relationship from letters. That is even more restricted than chatting. She told me that those letters kept here going with the school. She woke up every morning hoping that there is a letter for her, from him.

So if something is working for you, you should do it. Like venting here 🙂.

You are a doll aurora, i called it when you first posted here and Im saying it again!

"Thanks to all for participating, in whatever way that happened to be.
It has not gone unappreciated."

That included you as well!

I appreciate all input whether It jives with my own beliefs or not!

That story about the couple writing one another is really romantic! I could not marry anyone who hadn't proven himself to be amazing in bed lol.

So I went to His bar to Pie him in the face...

Posted by CancerLeoDynamite
So I went to His bar to Pie him in the face...

I am curious, what did you do?

Posted by incandescentcancer

Posted by CancerLeoDynamite
So I went to His bar to Pie him in the face...

I am curious, what did you do?

click to expand

-smh-
I don't even wanna say...

😄

Posted by CancerLeoDynamite

Posted by incandescentcancer

Posted by CancerLeoDynamite
So I went to His bar to Pie him in the face...

I am curious, what did you do?

-smh-
I don't even wanna say...

😄

click to expand

Oh come onnnn....you already opened the pandora's box. you can't put it back in 😛

Posted by incandescentcancer

Posted by CancerLeoDynamite

Posted by incandescentcancer

Posted by CancerLeoDynamite
So I went to His bar to Pie him in the face...

I am curious, what did you do?

-smh-
I don't even wanna say...

😄

Oh come onnnn....you already opened the pandora's box. you can't put it back in 😛

click to expand

hahaha
oh man

.. Maybe after a few drinks..

4 months TO THE DAY (the tenth) my Aqua has returned, and started asking friends about my whereabouts, Unbeknownst to me. On a whim I decided to buy some internet time Last night and I logged in and there he was.. I had a feeling he would be but then...I have had that feeling MANY MANY times over the last four months.

We spent about 6 hours just laughing and joking and he played music for me. Like old times.

I didn't ask where he had been,
and he didn't offer to tell me.

the entire evening felt as though I were merely dreaming.
throughout the day I had alternating bouts of giddiness and anxiety.

I had stopped logging into DXP, stopped trying to find that excuse to hang on.. stopped trying to hope.. not that I had really moved on but I was making a concerted effort..

Throwing myself into work
throwing myself into exercise
throwing myself into family

Still, I had these gut wrenching moments of deep sadness.
Missing his voice, His laugh
Every day.
still every day.

I don't know, I just don't know.
He could be gone again already I have no way of knowing.
I feel

I feel so funny right now.. all day really. Like I am under water and moving very slowly.

On the verge of tears but of happiness or sadness or something else I don't even know


He's back, my aqua is back.

I dunno if this is a Cancer thing or not, but every single one of my exes has come back to me. I do not get back with them ever even if I want to because it is not worth it, especially if they were the ones who ended the relationship or pulled a disappearing act. It's not worth it. He will hurt you again. Where has he been these past four months? If he cared about you at all, he wouldn't have been gone all this time without checking up on you. But now he decides to? I think when men do this it's either cuz they're feeling lonely and horny or just need an ego boost after getting rejected in some sort of way. I am sorry but just tread carefully. You don't want to be hurt again by this guy.

Never mind. I just read the earlier posts. You never even met the guy in person— He's prolly married or taken. Who knows? I agree with Clueless Cancer. Do be careful.

Did you talk to him via Skype, have you seen his face on webcam or just pics? Be careful 'cause he might not be who he says he is, have you heard of that show called Catfish? That or he's taken or married like someone else mentioned.

Posted by Jynja
Moon Leo - explains it all. 😄

explain. because my moon is leo too

Posted by cancerboo

Posted by Jynja
Moon Leo - explains it all. 😄

explain. because my friend's moon is leo too

click to expand

^edited

Posted by seraph
Irrespective of who came around the bend to see you, it's good to see you back. Hope things work out.

Thanks Seraph!
Can't say it's good to be back after seeing the slaps to the face in this thread.

I didn't mean to post on this thread anyway I found the other one on aqua board (how soon we forget stuff)
Cancer board has always been a useless mess of "and by the way since you never met him im going to belittle you and your feelings"

to the haters;
Fuck off thanks 😄
Just cause men use YOU for an ego boost, Dont project, ladies.
You need to stop watching catfish and living vicariously through my dramas and get some perspective.