Part 1: the background story with a Cancer man

I am an Aries woman who has fallen hard for a Cancer man! Our situation is pretty complicated but I'll do my best to explain. Sorry this is long!

We met online about 9 months ago and both of us just had flirting and kinda harmless fun in mind. We live far apart and just started talking. We hit it off right away and before long our conversations started feeling like we were a couple even though we both knew it wasn't possible at the time (due to distance, etc). He told me that if we were closer he would be my boyfriend. And I found out later had even asked about the possibility of transferring to where I live.

He had just gotten out of a long relationship & had his heart broken and was really lonely and wanting to find someone to have in his life. About 3 months after we met he started dating someone he had recently met where he lives. We talked about it and agreed that we really shouldn't talk anymore because of the new girlfriend. We said goodbye on good terms but I was really sad and missing him.

About a month went by and out of the blue he texted me. He told me everything was going good with the new girlfriend but he also went on and on to me about how much he had missed me, how special I am to him, and how he couldn't stay away forever. I was so excited to hear from him but kinda overwhelmed by it all too. I told him I didn't think all this more than friendly talk was a good idea but he was really persistent and I gave in. We talked constantly for a couple weeks then all of a sudden nothing. He stopped talking to me completely and wouldn't respond to any of my messages, etc. I know he was feeling guilty about what he had done and so was I, but this time no nice goodbye just cold hard silence. I was heartbroken! 2 months went by and I missed him every day.

One day I emailed and just asked how he was. He answered and was really happy to hear from me. I was going to let that be it and told him maybe I would say hi again some day but he said he really liked talking and it was ok anytime. So we started talking again but this time kept it really "friendly". Still he kept it a secret from his girlfriend that we talk. Several times he tried to turn the conversations more romantic but I resisted for probably a couple months but he wore me down again telling me that if he were here he would be mine, etc. So now we are back to talking like a couple again.

Keep reading. Questions in part 2. Thanks!

I know he cares about me but he must care about his girlfriend too. I'm pretty certain he says he loves her and he's never directly said that to me. He's signed emails with "love" and he tells me I'm very special to him. Aside from the obvious fact that he's being dishonest to his girlfriend by talking to me (and I know that should probably tell me to stay away) I'm trying to figure out his motivation for coming back to me again and again and trying to keep me around.

To me, if I was happy with the person I was with, I would never be talking to someone else like that (and I know he never has in past relationships) but maybe he looks at it differently? Does he not care for his girlfriend that much or is he with her more because she is there and I am not? Are his feelings for me that strong that even though he is happy with her he is willing to risk it to stay with me too? Or is he just having fun having the best of both worlds and getting away with it right now? I know I won't get a straight answer out of him!

Also trying to understand the shifting moods. We will go for weeks where we talk everyday and he initiates the conversations then all of a sudden he goes quiet for weeks where the only time we talk is if I contact him. It's hard not to worry that maybe he's decided not to talk again or is feeling guilty and trying to push away but I'm starting to think that it's just his personality to go through these cycles. So when he's being distant, is it bad to keep sending little "I'm thinking of you" or "have a good day" messages? Honestly it's just my personality to do little things like that because to me it's thoughtful, but maybe he's wanting to be left alone? I could ask but I know he would be too polite to tell me to go away! Any advice? Am I crazy? Should I give up?

if he is being moody and two timing... what the shit are you doing?? he wants to have it and eat it too... as they say.

yes. you are crazy. but you can fix it!

why would you want to even talk like a couple with a man that has a gf? and the caveat of "if you were here he would be yours". well... are you there? will you ever be?

then you will see what his true intent is. but never before that.

I mean... have you met yet? this, so far, is a pseudo fantasy relationship... the claims he has made have no guarantee, and even you may feel differently upon being around him physically.

so... if that is cool in your head.. by all means. but don't set yourself for colossal disappointment by getting so wrapped up in an at the moment fairy tale...

case in point...

a two timer that pays attention to you while in a relationship: it isn't because you are that special to him. it is because he has perfected his game.

if you were that special to him... mountains would move. but then... only real men can create such things.

nevermind

Thank you all! I know that the lying to his girlfriend should be all I need to know but it's like this. If he had been dating her when we met, I never would have talked to him, but he wasn't he didn't even know her then. Our "relationship" started first and had I been where he is, he would be dating me right now and not her. Also I know he has had other very serious long relationships before where he did not cheat. I don't really think its in his nature to do this, but I also know that I'm trying to justify it. It is still wrong.

From my side, I have dated plenty of guys before and there are only 2 others that I have ever fallen so hard and fast for. They were the first person I ever loved and the man I was married to for 13 years. It's hard to ignore and hard to forget these feelings but I suppose that's the right thing to do.

He may be pulling away anyhow. We had a really intense conversation about a week ago and has barely said a word since.

Posted by deezie
case in point...

a two timer that pays attention to you while in a relationship: it isn't because you are that special to him. it is because he has perfected his game.

if you were that special to him... mountains would move. but then... only real men can create such things.

Yeah, Deezie. All the points you're making here and above are "on point." 100% agree. When a man loves you, you can't not know it. They will move heaven and earth to be with you.

Aires Woman,

Deezie pretty much has all the bases covered here but I'm going to add my 2 cents. Online relationships aren't real. I know. I had one way back in the day. Add to that, he's got a woman in his life and that should be end game. This man has nothing to offer you but a fantasy. A fantasy doesn't cuddle up with you at night. He's doing that with his girl. Stop communicating with him. This is only messing with your heart. I feel ya but you've hanged your hat on the wrong cowboy. Wait for the real deal.

And Aires Woman, some men have no problem stepping out on their women. Don't fall for that bull, "if he were happy, he wouldn't be checking me out." What you should be saying to yourself is how worthy is a man of my affection whose willing to treat his GF this way? What he's doing to her, he'll do to you. And don't assume you're the only woman he's sweet talking online. I know it hurts but it's not gonna get any better in that department the longer you hang on. It's better when the woman walks in this circumstance. You get to keep your honor in tact and know you did the right thing. Better luck next time. And there will be a next time. You're just lonely and "looking for love in all the wrong places."

este is much more eloquent than I... but the message is there... whichever speaks to you... take your pick.

also... don't be fooled that because he started dating her after starting to talk to you... he still isn't choosing you. (not that anyone could expect that choice being that you aren't in the same locale). but that is his choice. not you unless you are nearby.

passion and lust aren't the only ingredients that should buy your heart. yes it is hard to ignore, but only if you like making poor choices.... best of luck ram! you girls rock, go find worthy men!

Move on, those are good red flags, he does that with her he will do it with you, that easily a man can change his mind. I've been in a similar situation, and I've learned in the hard way these kind of people are ignorant to the feelings of others, they just go and play nice and tell you nice words, and then they go and do the same to god only knows how many people. Follow your guts, that more than guts is just your perception of things, don't hesitate, move on, i'm sure that you will find another and surely a better man.

You seem like a nice person, please don't risk yourself to become a worse and insecure person,this happen to all women who are cheated on.