thoughts

i have a lot of negativity swirling around my head. i dont find this life exciting anymore. i know this is a state of mind, but i cant change it. the things that i want the most are the things that elude me. am i asking too much? of myself and others? i need to reach out to people but i dont. i dont trust very easily, but everyone trusts me. why cant i start over. i try not to let past experiences ruin future ones, but they creep in anyway. i feel like an oddity. is shyness curable? its funny how with me, my shyness is interpeted as arrogance. i should have been born a mute, then i would have an excuse at least. sometimes my focus is so clear a nd locked on, other times i cant focus on anything. i push everyone away, then i feel lonely. i hate being sensitve. i hate being a cancer.

i never said they were happy thoughts.lol

cj7 you sweet man! Please dont ever hate being a cancer as they are complex yes, but wonderful people. It is hard for you because you function from such an emotional base in everything you do.

I function from an analytical base, but what no one understands is that just because I dont always show the entire emotional side of what I am dealing with. It is inside me smoldering, anc churning away.

Cancers are so sensitive and when they get hurt it runs deep, how could you not put your shell up for protection. I have had things happen that have hurt in my life like everyone. But there are a couple of hurts that will always stand out in my mind as the worst ones. For you every time you get hurt it is like my worst ones.

We all push people away out of fear that it will happen again. That is just a basic survival response, our brain tells us to do that just in case. We remember that we trusted the person that hurt us so badly at one time, so how can we not approach anything new without alot of caution.

In todays world it is so hard to find a true heart. Someone who you can be real with and trust. I understand that everyone trusts you. I feel that same thing with my cancer! Its just something you seem to evoke in others, them trusting you I mean.

Cancers have an air of honesty and moral structure about them that none of the other signs do. Plus a nurturing side that is so special.

What they dont seem to understand is that they need to be nurtured just as much as they do it for others. But the delima is that they just cant seem to figure out how to make it happen. They dont even realize that they need this to be happy and secure in a relationship.

Are you asking to much, I dont think so. In my experience a cancer will always give much more than they expect to get back. Ask yourself this question, am I expecting anything from someone in a friendship, or serious relationship that I am not willing to give myself. I think you will find the answer will be no you are not. And if that is the case then you are not asking for to much at all.

As far as shyness, I dont think it is curable in itself completely. A shy cancer is truly an enigma, because of your sensitivity being shy just complicates matters. And I have found that people that are shy dont seem to have as much confidence as those of us who arent.

Thats not a put down, its just that taking that first step is even harder for you to take. And if you do and it does not go well, it just makes the next time even harder for you to even try.

Thats where the pushing people away comes into play for you. You dont want to do this, but cant seem to help it.
You say people see you as arrogant? I have never met you in person this is true, but the things I have read that you post here dont have anything arrogant about them what so ever. If I were asked to tell someone about my friend cj7, I would say he is a kind, sensitive, giving person. Who would be a great catch for any girl, and that he is what we girls like to call a keeper.

Dont lose hope or faith in finding your destiny cj7, it will come to you this much I do know. We just get impatient sometimes waiting for it to happen, and we put ourselves in situations that are not the right ones because of that. And that only makes us feel more lost, try to sit back and wait for it to come to you. I believe you will be suprised at what the outcome will be.

When we sit back and wait, then we are not actively looking for what we want. When we are not looking we can suddenly see so much more that is going on around us that we were missing before. You know that saying: everytime I dont want to be involved thats when it happens, someone finds me and wants to pursue something.

Well there is a reason for that! Let them do the looking for you for awhile, then just sit back and observe the person. Approaching it from thi

See even when your life is filled with negativity, you still keep your sence of humor!!!

CJ7 This is were I posted the message for you ok.

thank u tw2 and sweet-p, sorry i havent posted sooner. im doing ok.

i was sick last weekend, sinus , headache, congestion, stuff like that. i get real crabby when im sick and alone.

Thats because you need some TLC, thats all! I agree it's no fun being alone when your sick. My cancer takes very good care of me when I am not feeling the best. I am happy to hear that you are doing ok. Like I said cj7 you will find the right person for you. It's bound to happen because you are such a great guy. Take care hope you feel better soon. Bye TW2

Never discount suicide it is a very usefull tool. But how ? how do you do it, slashing the wrist has always puzzeled me if one is realy wants to do it I would think they would cut up the vain long ways hard to stitch that back together. Jumping how come they have to jump from the top, if its a 34 storie building next to the top is high enough. also why wate for a crowed they always just talk you out of it. Oh well have a nice day.

Little Sweet-P.

This is my opinion on the subject of taking one's own life. It takes a great deal of pain inside a person to drive them to concider such an act. It saddens me to think that in your life someone or something has caused such anguish that you even attempted it. You are so young and there is so much of life for you to experience still.

One thing I know for sure is that the things that happen to us in our twinties just dont hit us the same when we are older and more life educated.

I was raised in a religious home and when I entered the world at eighteen I was so unprepared for the realities I did encounter. I thought for the most part that people were basically good. Well was I in for some hard lessons let me tell you.

Another thing is that for most of us we dont develop an inner sense of who we are. Not until our thirties for the most part.

I for one am so glad that you are still here among us. I would not have had the pleasure of getting to know you, and I am go glad that I did.

I have to agree Parallax is very wise indeed. Cj7 is most likely feeling a little off center right now. Cancers are such nurturers and when they have no one to do that for, it leaves an empty place in their life. Like something is missing or missed but they cant quite put their finger on just what.

And you are also right that they always will project a very strong exterior. Not letting any vulnerability show even though there is turmoil inside them at the time.

They always feel like they need to be everyone elses strenght, but cant show or ask for what they need.

Anyway I have grown very fond of quite a few people here on the duncan board. And I will always be glad that I found it.

Yes I am worried a little about cj7 also, he has had a hard time of it lately in the relationship department. He is such a sweetheart, pluss he is a cancer on top of that.

And I am thinking of you often as well, I can remember what I felt like when I did not like being alone when younger.
Come to think about it I did not stop minding being alone until after I had my son. Then I guess I didnt have enough time to worry about being alone. (I have raised him alone since he was 2, and he is now 14).

That fact alone has made me a much stronger, more self reliant person. My mom tells me I have always had strong mothering traits. Maybe thats why I feel so much for some of my fav. people here when they hurt.

I know I cant fix things for anyone, but I hope my friends here understand that I dont think I know anything really. I just want to let them know they are not alone. And that I am here for them, and want to just help give them some support. (so they know someone cares about what their going through)

On a happier note-dont you think Parallax is so funny, god he is a riot! And when phoenix rising and Parallax get a conversation going its just so great. I love reading their posts. And I took a instant liking to candle girl, she is a such a great person. We have had alot of the same experiences in life, so we are kind of kindred spirits. When things went south with my moms health, she was there for me! So was Parallax! Oh yes and lets not forget our special Freebird! Then of course there is James Tate— He is an odd bird sometimes, and I still dont know what to make of Old Jake! Allan is a very funny man as well!

And you are one of the other people I go hunting for on the boards, so I can stay in touch. It is a difficult time you are in the middle of, and I am here if you need me ok.

Well I better close this before I write a book again, as I am known to.

See you later sweet-p

Bye TW2