GemGem's Question

Gem, I hope you don't mind my putting your question out here.

Enigma your so awesome. Thank you for your words. These last couple nights have been so heart wretching for me. I realized my feelings ran so deep for him and I wanted to tell him, but then all of his friends were telling me that he just had a couple girls over the last couple nights. I was disgusted and I felt really used. He said that I shouldn't be mad because it was the only girl he's been with sexually since me. Then he got mad because he said we had agreed that we didn't want relationships because of the emotional state that he's in. I didn't realize how jealous I was getting. His last girlfriend was really controlling, protective, a drama queen, wouldn't let him so much as breath next to a girl let alone say anything, and then she cheated on him with his friend. So he's going through this I don't need anyone thing and now that I've figured out how much I liked him finding out that he has a "f!@* buddy" is making me so sick to my stomach. We talked a little about it and other people kept getting involved. Well he got really mad and started crying. I've never seen a guy cry like that before. I was so sad for him. He's also had a lot of other life changing things happen to him recently to make him feel horrible about himself. His dad came back into his life after seventeen years and then he got a dui so he has to pay all of this money to the state and yadayadayada. Even though it felt really good that the only people he told about it was his mom and me. It made me feel special. He said that there was no way he could possibly have a relationship with anyone right now because he can't even take her out to dinner. I felt aweful for him. So I just told him that I care for him so much and that I don't want to upset him. But when there's alcohol involved it's difficult to get feelings across so everything was miscommunicated. The other thing is that we've both said that it would be unhealthy to jump into anything, but yet we have so much in common and he told me he cares about me very much even though he doesn't say it. He said that he could definetely see having a relationship with me, but we just need time. I'm just so love sick over all of this. The last thing I want to think about is him with someone else sexually....I mean I know that's all it is is sex, but still. My friend who is a capricorn said, "hey...he's been hurt; that's something I would do if I really liked someone. I would find someone who I knew I wasn't going to get attached to to have sex with and push the person that I cared about most away." I don't know what to do. I'm so not patient. And then today we were supposed to talk, but of course I get back from the lake and call him and he's like..."oh I was just about to go to the pool. I think it would be better if we talked another day when we're sober. And then we'll sort all of these pent up frustrations out." I mean earlier he acted like I had hurt him somehow even though I was the one that was hurt last night. I said, "how are you doing?" He said, "oh I'll live." What is that? Am I to think that he's hurting? I don't get it.

Gem,

How old is this guy?

I love how there's one LARGE paragraph and then this little question at the bottom. haha. He's 23...yes I know...maturity is an issue here. 😉 I just don't like older guys unfortunatly, but I don't like them in high school either. haha.

And no I don't mind that you posted my question...it's lengthy.

Gem,

Ok, I see that he is 23. Yeah, that changes Ev-e-ry-thing.

Where do I begin?

23 is young. I don't mean that disrespectfully or anything, but at 23 my gauges were all off. In short, I was a mess.

From the time my hormones started kicking in (around 16) until maybe mid to upper 20's, I was a man hore. It's funny because when people read my journals (http://labyrinth.enigma-ent.com) from years ago, they see a different Enigmanupe than what's standing in front of them. I'm sure we ALL have grown over the years, so this may not only apply to us Cappies, but let me tell you how it all started.

From sixteen until eighteen, I was seriously dating this one girl (my first love). I would have done ANYTHING for her and often times did. Believing that we would live forever in love, she cheated on me. She was away at college and I was just a high school boyfriend (of course, I didn't find any of this out until later). Upon her return, we picked it up where we left off. Sometime during that year, I found out that she was currently cheating on me. Needless to say, I was CRUSHED. My whole world and all the innocent trust I gave her was flushed down the drain. That was the first HUGE crushing blow to my heart and that's when the walls Alcatraz type walls got put up. I was in my late twenties when I actually felt safe enough to, INCH them down. During many of those early years, I turned my lack of trust in women against them. I used them like the toys they were (not really, but that was my mind frame). I tortured them with charm and used them for pleasure. Eventually, I grew tired and scared (AIDS is a scary thing) and decided I had better cool off a bit. My junior year in college, I bore a son and from that time on I had to buckle down and fly right.

It was that same year that I stopped playing around, stopped sleeping around, started focusing on my grades, and chose to build a life for the growing family. So, I'd say my son was a pivotal catalyst for change. Secretly, I wanted love, devotion, and a family of 6 (smile), but nobody was able to prove to me that they could be trusted. Even at 30 (12 years after my initial heartbreak), I'm extremely cautious.

My advice to you is to let him get his life together. Without the security of money (a biggy), career, home, clothes (for career purposes), and the like, he's not gonna be ready to be the man you really need. We have to feel secure in our own skin (and for many of those early years, I was confused) and find our place in this world. I'd say, be a friend, but don't get too close. It sounds like he's lashing out in pain, but soon he'll find (on his own) that alcohol, drugs, women, and being irresponsible will only bring him down. Allow him to go into his deep dark cave of depression. If he's strong (and most of us are, assuming we haven't been babied all our lives) he find his own way out. Allow him to ask you questions and use you as a sounding board for potential ideas, but his salvation MUST come from within him.

I hope that he finds it out sooner than later because DUI's on the record make being a stable citizen in the futre more difficult.

Does that help?

That helps more than you know and it's pretty much how I was starting to feel. I love him too much to see him get hurt from his own problems so I'll just be the girl who is there for him and let him go through his emotions. I'd rather be a friend to him and have him love me for that than nothing at all. Plus it may make him wake up sooner than later. Never know. Everything you said completely describes him. In retrospect I do have to say that it would be better for him to get all of this out of his system than for him to have regrets and issues while he was with me. Thanks Enigma. 🙂

Anytime, Gem!

This is gemgem's section, but could I ask you a question, Enigmanupe? (hope you are ok gemgem). My cappy tells me to keep dating which is contrary to what you said :

"I'd say I become increasingly possessive around a woman I really like."

I don't know how to take that. He is out of a serious (he said dysfunctional) relationship about 6 months, and we met 2 months ago. I myself got divorced last year so I am still relatively new to the dating scene. The chemistry between us is incredible but I can sense he is deeply wounded from the last relationship. He says he won't be ready to have a relationship again another year, but wants to keep dating me. My guy friends say he is not that into me?.

I am mid 30 and he is almost 40. I'd appreciate your advice.

I'm good peachcow...thanks for caring. I'm coming to a balance with all of this. I can be very down to earth sometimes especially when I understand where someone is at. I have to remind myself that I was once there too. It just happened to him a little late. 🙂 Hey Enigma...you're going to have a ton of ladies after you if you keep giving out all of this good advice. hahaha. We're ALL CRAZY!

Gem,

I love it. Keep it coming. (Big smile)

🙂 I love to give out the love. Big hugs.

Gemgem~~

Just a note about what E said "From the time my hormones started kicking in (around 16) until maybe mid to upper 20's, I was a man hore!" I specifically remember the very first conversation I had with the cappy I'm crazy about. He said the "exact" same words to me but he said he was a man whore until he was in this early 30's (keep in mind he was married). Also when talking to cappy about why my ex and I of 10 years broke up I told him it was b/c I grew tired of many things but mainly the cheating just made me dislike him to which cappy replied "why did he cheat...oh! nevermind that question 90% of men cheat!" To which I replied "so you make it sound as though you would be a cheater now if you were in a relationship!" Cappy replies "I'm 40 now so I've finally outgrown that [I hope he says w/a laught] but I have done alot of cheating and whoring in my time which probably is why I have been married twice and neither worked out!" I guess what I'm saying Gemgem is that I believe any man (not just capps) have to sow their wild oats (some women too) so if you love this man be his friend, stand by him as a "friend" and let nature take it course all the while living your life. I know, I know it difficult as hell right - lol! The ex I was referring to above that I spent ten years with is four years younger than me. Now to most of us that is no big deal right (the age difference that is)! Well, I meet him when I was 26 and he was 22. I had already been married, had a kid, lived across the world for six years, etc. I cannot tell you the pain I went through waiting for this man to grow up and mature. I knew in my mind I was in for the long haul b/c of his age since I was smart enough to know that some of the things I had already experienced in life were things that would probably take a lifetime for this man to experience as he was also a slooooooow mover but I felt he was honestly my soul mate. This man cheated, lied, came home with hickeys in places that I'll just let you imagination wonder, you name it he did it. I stayed b/c not only did I love him (and yes there was good b/t us) but I loved his family very much (and they really needed me) and my daughter loved him very much and I did not want her hurt by me leaving him (which is a whole other story). A year ago I left him. Just like that out of the blue b/c I had grown tired, weary and most importantly bored. The cheating/lying had basically stopped about a year prior to me leaving but when I was honest w/myself even though this was my best friend (keep in mind I was not his best friend) I just didn't like him anymore - I loved him but didn't like him. After all the "whoring around, cheating, f# $ king me over" he has actually grown up to be a decent man. When I first left him I felt so much resentment and hatred b/c I stood by this man through thick and thin (and believe me when I say the thick outweighed the thin). I couldn't understand why I had to leave. I finally came to my senses and realized I didn't "have" to leave but wanted to leave b/c in all actuality I outgrew him maturity wise. He calls constantly but I refuse to give him the time of day relationship wise. I still take care of things for both he and his family and probably will for along time if not forever but I don't want him as my man. I guess what I'm trying to tell you is I don't know how old you are but don't let time pass you by waiting for someone that may or may not be the one for you. He has alot of growing to do (and I say that w/respect) and it takes men a hell of alot longer to grow up mentally than it does women (the majority of the time). I say do your own thing, become who you want to be in life, if you haven't already and basically just be true to yourself b/c nobody else is going to take care of us the way we take care of ourselves. Did that make sense -lol? I'm sure after this long paragraph you get what I'm saying. Believe me when I say I know it

B~
wow what an eye opener!